scapegrace  I can explain, Professor... |
This is sort of like the ridiculous questions and answers game. It goes like this. What if Snape ran an advice column in the Quibbler? The first person must answer the previous writer's question to Snape (I know there are a lot of Would-be Snapes out there that could give great answers!) Remember, you're answering as if you were Snape. Next, you must ask a question for Snape, (for the next person to answer). Got it? I hope this works! :) I'll start. Dear Prof. Snape, How can I get Harry Potter to ask me out? He barely even notices me! Lost in love, Silly Red-Head |
Oh Silly girl:
Drink a polyjuice potion and transform you in a bug (take a bug's wing for that). If you fly around his head, he maybe notice at you. And hopefuly, smash you at the window!
Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I'm afraid of ghosts. What can I do? I'm lost in love with the Bloody Baron.
Frightenly,
Sue Boo
Kat Delacour
I'd suggest you stop sending me stupid letters for starters. Go away.
Dear Sevi,
How should one properly discipline a Ninja?
Godfather
Aye...its week spot is in the left side of the face
Severus
----------
Snivellus
I am sending this anonymous letter to let you know that i am still in fact alive
Sirius
Dark Mystic
Sirius,
I would suggest that you look up the word anonymous. Telling me that you are alive indicates that you think you have a life. Get a life, and get a clue!
Prof. Snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Prof. Snape,
What exactly IS boomslang skin?
Kat Delacour
First i blow you up - thus the boom. then i say "whassup, bro?" - thus the slang. then i peel the skin off your burnt body.
boomslangskin.
now buggar off.
Severus Snape
Godfather
*clears throat*
question Kat? never mind, ill do it!
Harry
Oh my dear I lovce you so much...I hope no one sees our private love letters especially when Prof. Snape finds out I dumped him because I was two timing him..
Anyway..love you (more than Prof. Snape)
Hermione
Scapegrace
Miss Granger you silly girl, I'm here to give advice to my adoring public, now go away and scribble "I will not waste the Professors' precious time any longer." with one of Prof. Umbridges' "special" pens!!
Dear Snape,
Why don't you get a nose job you silly git!
signed, a Weasley twin.take your pick
Nabiki
Dear Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb,
Why don't you allow me to pull your brains from yours and see if it makes a difference in your I.Q. level? I highly doubt it.
Stop wasting my time,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Have you found my snipers I have tailing you, yet?
Nabs
Scapegrace
As a matter of fact Ms. Nabiki, I have spotted your tenacious snipers and have disabled them all with an impedimentia curse followed by a quick mad dash by myself.(I DO have nice legs you know!) ;)
Thank you for the flattering devotion.
Sevvie-Baby
Dear Snape,
Will you please get out of the teachers bathroom!! Some of us really have to go now!
Anxiously Crossed ,Plaid-covered Legs.
Celertina
P*ss off.
~Snape
===
Dearest Sevvie,
There's this devilishly handsome man whom I've been simply dying to ask out on a date. The problem is that he's a co-worker (plus his solitary nature isn't helping much). What advice can you give me, oh guru of knowledge?
An Adoring Colleague of Yours
Noriko
I suggest you start taking your work more seriously, colleague, and work on your classes a bit harder instead of sinking in silly romantic fantasies. No wonder there's hardly a student worth noticing (that isn't a Slytherin, of course).
Oh, and some make-up won't hurt...
Prof. Snape.
Dear Snape. Er... I mean, Prof. Snape. Sir.
I sometimes get up in the middle of the night after having weird dreams. Plus, I have headaches that cause me severe pain. I also feel as if people are staring at me, and I have a strange suspicion some of them can read my mind. I don't know what to do, I feel so confused, and frustrated, and angry!
Please help.
Yours, H. P.
Iluvoliver
I think that you are faking it, for publicity's sake. You are just an attention seeking child, who probably has a scar on his forehead.
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
In your letter to Silly Red Head, you told her to take Polyjuice Potion to turn into a bug, by using a bug's wing. In the book, Moste Potente Poitons it is said to be highly dangerous for one to use this potion for animal transformations. I also happen to know a girl who ended up in the hospital wing for weeks, due to the simple fact that she accidentally added a cat hair to her potion. Now, what kind of Potions teacher do you think you are if you didn't even know that?
Sincerely,
A FIRST YEAR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY SMARTER THAN YOU
Escreguto
FIRST YEAR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY DUMBER THAN ANYONE
That was the goal.
Severus
Can you give some advice to have an advice column like yours?
Kat
Iorek
It'll take a whole lot more than "advice" to get YOU a column
----------
Dear Sevi
Should I dye my fur blue for halloween?
ITO376
You'd better dye your face, so people don't get scared seeing you silly bear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor,
Could you teach me how to make the love potion?I want to make you fall in love with me....
With tons of love,
your beloved student!
Scapegrace
White polar bear Iorek,
Don't change a thing! Many people have suggested That I , your handsome and seductive Potions Professor, change my own appearance, (stupid Idiot Twits!). But we Snapes are PROUD of our unusual and twistedly handsome looks.
Prof. Snape
Dear Snape,
Uh, I ...er... this is Hagrid......I mean........John Doe. And I was wondering if you could give me some tips on impressing a certain French lady.
Hag....uh.....John
Beloved Student,
Good God! why does a student of mine look like McGonnagal?! I'm not giving you any love potion ingrediants until you change your avatar you sassy girl!
Someone please answer Hag....John.
Sexy Sadie
Dear 'John'
I would suggest flowers or candy. Unless of course you're a ten-foot tall half-giant who hasn't gotten a haircut since the sixties, in which case I would reccomend sending her teddybears, leaving over-emotional messages on her answering machine and stand outside her castle singing Elton John (badly).
Get a life you overgrown twit.
Professor Snape.
Dear Sevvie,
What are you doing tonight?
Love,
(Someone who's heart was broken by someone with the same initials as me.)
Dreamingfifi
Dear "Broken Hearted",
Nothing that should consern you.
Dear Loyal Surporter:
WHY WEREN'T YOU AT THE LAST MEETING? ARE YOU NUMB? DO YOU HAVE NO FEELING IN YOUR ARMS AT ALL? I WANT A FULL EXPLANATION IN TEN MINUTES!
Sincerely,Your Master
Redjewelzs
My god, master! I was... um... under the inflenuce of that mudblood lover Albus Dumbledore and he told me he would tie up me and do horrible things to me if I wrote to you again, but I am always faithful, my lord, and I - oh, no, he's back... I'll shall inform you of what's more to come my lord.
Professor Severus Snape
-humble servant of the dark lord
Dear Prof. Snape,
Please sir, can you tell me if I've done my essay on the thirty uses of unicorn hair correctly? I'm afraid I might have left out a few things, such as it being used to make a Dehydrating Draught and how every few weeks it should be added to Paranoia Potion so that the drinker would not become paranoid all the time. Oh but I wrote ten inches more than was assigned! Was my assignment adaquate enough?
Sincerely,
NOT A KNOW-IT-ALL SILLY GIRL!
Sexy Sadie
Oh, I'm sorry, was that your essay? I used to start a fire for my cauldron the other night...
Oops.
Detention anyway.
Signed, Professor Snape.
Dear Snape,
Will you go out with my Mom? She really needs a date.
Bad.Love,
Sadie
Jami
No.
P. Severus Snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor
Back when I was an American exchange student in Hogwarts I found myself falling for my new potions master. Potions being my best subject and my favorite thing in the world along with music. The problem was that I was 13 at the time and a Gryffindor. Now I'm 27 but still dream of him. Do you think he'll still treat me like trash after all these years? Even though I'm a respected potions mistress and second only to him?
If it makes any difference he use to give me dentention for my hair coming unbraided because he couldn't find a single thing wrong with my potions.
Sincerely,
J. J. R.
Sexy Sadie
Mom, please stop writing me. I can tell it's you.
Your loving (but beleagued) son,
Severus
Dear Professor Snape,
Wait-Never mind.
Sadie.
Redjewelsz
stop pestering me you silly little girl! i WILL NOT date your mother! but may i suggest a... um... friend of mine... he used to work here as a professor of defense against the dark arts (lord knows HOW he got that job) and is quite the gentleman... and he ESPECIALLY loves goin strolling around at night, especially during the full moons, he finds they quite romantic, if you're interesting please owl Remus J. Lupin... he is a spledid man.
HI PROFESSOR SNAPE!
Do you think I can take a photo of you!? I love taking pictures of everyone, and I thought to start an album of all my professors, and I seem to only be missing your picture, sir! When can we set up an appointment for a picture taking sir? THANK YOU!
- C. CREEVEY! (SMILE, SIR!)
siriuslysad
Pest,Didn't ur camera break when u took all those pictures of the potter boy?? Go away.....the light in my dungeon isn't right anyways! -SeverusHey Sexy Snivvy,I was wondering if ur mom loved u or was she a child abuser?? I'm here for ya! Is that why ur so mean I am ur shoulder to cry on, baby!!!! With Love...............
Dreamingfifi
Creevy,
Picture? Why would I want a picture taken of me? Save that camera for your Potter fan-club.
Professor Snape
P.S. You failed your Potions's Exam.
Dear Snape,
Why are you always locked up in your office answering mail? Is that the only way to reach the head of my house through mail? Wait 'til I tell Father.
My problem is that strange girls have a nasty habbit of appearing out of nowhere and screaming "I'm yours Tom!" Then they procide to jump on me! How can I reple these attackers? What are they? Are they assassins sent by the Ministry to drive me crazy-or has the mudblood lover Dumbeldore finally gone crazy?
D.M.
Jami
Dear DM
May I suggest that you let them get a whiff of your breath? That would repell anyone. Just ask your mother.
~Snape~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor Snape,
I am NOT your mother! I'm Jami you dolt! Remember? Annoying teenager who was always showing your precious Slytherins up and who got caught writing "Jami JoAnne Snape" on Moaning Myrtle's stall during my 7th year?!
Anyway I have another problem. I've tried this muggle thing called "The Internet" and I keep getting something called SPAM about women doing nasty things with barnyard animals and enlarging organs I don't have. How might I mass-curse these muggles without getting into trouble with the MOM?
~Jami~
Scapegrace
D.M.
Now, now, now, there's no reason to bother your father.....he's got enought to worry about with that cell mate of his in Azkaban!
Prof,Snape
Jami, forgive me I type so slow on this muggle thing!
Dear Snape,
My wife keeps knitting us these horribly ugly sweaters for Christmas.Is there any way I can Get her to stop? She's frightening the children!
Papa W.
Jami
((No problem, QS, but I wish someone would reply!))
dreamingfifi
Dear "Papa W."
I think a good curse on her knitting needle would help. I of course would sugest divorce. She cooks to much Arthur. And those sweaters scare me too.
Professor Severus Snape
Dear Snape,
HELP! They're stuffing their noses with cotton now!
DM
Padfoot
To Jami,
Try getting Girafa...It is a search engine that previews the sites before you actually go to read them. I use it all the time, when I look for..um..potions ingredients...*shifty gaze*
...The very peeved potions master....
Dear Severus,
I am having a little trouble with a um...certain illness that causes me to do rather violent things during the full moon...Do you think you could make me some of the Wolfsbane Potion?...I was never much of a potions student...
Thank you kindly,
ex-professor of the DADA R. J. L.
P.S. No offense, but were you the one that redirected a certain lady onto myself? I didn't know you were running a blind date sevice! Please,... keep your ex-girlfriends to yourself! Cheerio...
Jami
Dear Wolfpin - I mean Lupin,
No. Go lock yourself in a silver cage. And I was doing you a favor. You spend way too much time holding hands with Kretcher since Sirius died!
~Snape~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snapy-poo-kins my one true love,
I'm a little drunk now which is why I'm writing you again. I love you. I have always loved you. I always will love you.
BTW - Love that picture of you on Naughty Professors!
Adoringly,
Jami - The Future Mrs. Severus Snape!
Padfoot
Dear, Dear, Snivellus...I was trying to be nice! I don't really care for your "silver cage" comment at all...and as for Kreacher, and...and Sirius...Well, I do not care for Kreacher a bit!I beg you...Please! I just need the potion...Remember, I can tell the world about certain goings on that you had with James....Am I not a firsthand witness?
R. J. L.P.S. Do learn to read...My name is not Wolfpin....
* * * * * * * * * * * * ** *
Jami...buzz off and leave me alone!!! You seriously need a life....
Severus, the extremely mad and fan-tortured Prof.
Jami
Dear Loony -
You're just still jealous because Florance kissed me and not you. Bloody Berta Jorkins spying on us.
~Snape~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snape,
Jerk. Yet when you blow me off I love you more.
And why won't my dog stop staring at me?! YARG! She's been pottied, she's had treats, why can't she just go to bed?!
Lovingly Your's,
Jami
Nabiki
Dear Spineless,
Push her infront of the Hogwarts Express.
Never talk to me again,
Snape
Dear Snape,
I do think you have nice legs. What do you think of mine?
Nabs
Redjewelzs
well i would think you had nice legs had it not been for the fact that they remind me of those of a hippogriff... perhaps you should learn to shave them once in a while!
Please don't ever show them to me or for that matter anyone else on this planet... well except that dolt lupin... he deserves everything he gets...
professor Severus Snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Prof. Snape,
First of all, how did a greasy git like you get to be the advice columnist? Judging by the condition of your hair, I would think you haven't taken a piece of advice your whole life. Oh, and since someone who obviously lost their mind (I wouldn't be surprised if it was professor Dumbledore) gave you this post, I figure I can use your 'advice' to help me. Well you see... there's um this girl... she's one of my best friends and I care for her very much. I would die if anything happened to her and I think I finally want her to know how I feel about her... do you think you could give me suggestions, although I highly doubt you know anything about the troubles of love. Slimy git.
Chudley Cannon's #1 fan!
Nabiki
Give her a blossomless flower covered in Cyanaide...or any slime, pull her hair and trip her constantly. And then take a flying jump out of a 10th story window.
Get lost,
Snape
Snape,
Guess what's waiting in your top left desk drawer right now.
Nabs
Redjewelzs
GOOD HEAVENS! why did minerva leave me ANOTHER one of her erotic pictures in here! that blasted woman won't take a hint that i JUST DONT LIKE HER! i must inform the headmaster of this foul play... unless it was a student... but which student would be stupid enough to have a picture of mcgonagall in such a position!?....potter....
-the former professor severus snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Severus,
Can you do me a favor and stop warding unsuspecting women in my direction? i've asked you this a few times before already, please do not endanger these poor women, what have they done to deserve meeting me during the full moon? i'm beginning to agree with what sirius used to say about you needing some serious help with your uh... problems... please help yourself.
Remus J. Lupin
Godfather
May i ask one question?! Why am I getting all these stupid questions? Either way...umm....make a love potion and eat it, and your problem will be solved *gets shifty eyes from side to side*
Prof. Snape
-----------------------------------
Hello Sevvie baby
Me and your father are here in school, we keep comin to find you but your knowhere to be seen! We can only stay for a bit longer, and we promise we wont embarrass you in front of everyone about the time you wet your pants or anything like that.
Your mother
Iorek
I'm nowhere to be seen? Now that's a shame.See you next year!
-----------------------------
Dear Prof Snape
Is you hair ACTUALLY that greasy, or do you style it with lard?
Lady Henbane
It's not any of YOUR business what magic I use to get my astounding look EVEN though you would be willing to die to get one yourself.
Good-day to you.
Snape
******************
Dear sweet Snivelly,
How would you suggest me to get rid of my usual nightmares with an ugly professor in them?
Lady
Cindel
I would appreciate if you did not speak of Professor McGonnagal that way, she is a fine looking woman.
S.S
Dear Professor Snape
I do be the best charms professor ever...I do be that...
*prof. cindel
Kat Delacour
Dear Prof. Cindel,
Allow me to answer that through some Ninjas i borrowed from a friend of mine.
*Ninjas kick you in the bottom, then run away giggling*
Sincerely, Snape
----
Dear Prof. Snape,
What would you like for dinner?
- Kat Delacour
ITO376
I suppose you are not going to cook anything silly girl. You can't even make the simplest potion!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor,
Could you tell me please whitch shampoo do you use? I want my hair perfectly clean, as yours!
Noriko
If you are really that interested, I'm using a compound layered potion I concoct myself. Only the best in my NEWT class might have a chance at it, and I'm afraid it's been years since anyone was accepted.
Although... I have a feeling a certain young Malfoy may just have what it takes. Ask him in 10 years.
Professor Snape.
Dear sir,
I really want to go on a diet, but I just love food so much! What can I do?
Sincerely yours,
the fat lady
Scapegrace
Dear Large Woman,
Since you are obviously only a portrait,it's too late for you now. Eat all you want. Who cares about the guardian to certain other commonrooms anyway?
Get stuffed,
S.S.
Hey Greaseball,
Because of you I nearly didn't make it into the college of my choice. You're an evil, twisted prat.
O. Wood
Jami
Dear Wood,
You nearly didn't get accepted because the dean's wife flirted with you and you flirted back. It was only when the dean found out you really prefered HIM that you were accepted.
Don't invite me to the wedding.
Snape The Straight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snape,
Well, I keep declaring my devotion and you keep thwarting me. I guess it's true what my mom always said, men prefer to do the chasing. So I give up. However I want you to know how you influenced my potion making abilities. Here's a book of my press clippings. As you can see I've won first place in every contest since graduating from Hogwarts. Here's several reviews that say I'm 2nd only to you. And the recipes for several potions I've invented that no one has been able to correctly duplicate including my vampire feeding formula which will fill a vampire up and give them the nutrition they need so he or she never need drink blood again.
But I give up on winning your heart. I guess I'll just remain a spinster - or give in and marry that idiot Lockhart. I hate him. He's so stupid and such a liar. But he's persistant.
Or maybe I could just poison him instead.
Goodbye,
Jami
Scapegrace
Adoring Fans, (and those other idiots as well), this is an ADVICE column. I give advice. Ask me your questions. I will answer as truthfully (and brutally) as I am known to. Please stop sending me love letters as I will direct them to my fellow Slytherin alumnus Filch who will be more than glad to correspond with you.(That is IF he can manage a quill).
Prof. Snape.
Dear Professor Snape,
I am lost in love with a certain Nevilleeepooh. Please, how can I get him to notice me instead of his ridiculous plants?
L.L.
Nabiki
If you do get married, promise not to have any kids....and also promise to toss him down a pit...With asps....and Skrewts.
Thank you for wasting yet more of my time,
Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
What is with muggles and their silly inventions, like the...I think it's called the "inner-net" and the compiler? Are they all just mad or what?
Nabs
Lady Henbane
Those inventions are for mad people with feeble brains - that, as I see, includes you.
S.Snape.
...................................................................
Dear Professor,
Why is the sky outside dark as my thoughts?
Lady
Scapegrace
Ah Ms. Nabs, I see it is once again you. I'm afraid I am not familiar with this "compiler" thingie of which you speak. Alas, those muggles believe they will one day rule the world,I'm afraid. Next thing the'll tell me they've outdone the owl system of mail delivery.Ha!Thank you once again for your constant, all-be-it persistant devotion.S. S.Dear Snape, My children tell me they do not enjoy my knitted sweaters for Christmas any longer. My heart is broken. What shall I do now?!
Mama W.
Jami
Mama W.
Switch to gift certificates.
S. S.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor Snape,
My dog won't stop licking herself no matter what I do. She often does this until she's bloody & raw. What do you suggest?
Dog Lover
Tonkness
dog lover- go fall off a short bridge... and then take the dog w/you
snape
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
My dearesst,
meet me in the closet tonight. i want it to be like last night.
~hermione
Nabiki
I'll do nothing to make your childish dreams a reality.Please disappear off the face of the planet,SnapeHey You!How many days until our next Hogsmeade weekend?Curious Student
FleurDelacour
Dear "Curious Student" (who I am quite sure owns a flying motorcycle, is an animagus, can turn into a grim-like dog, lives with a stupid old house-elf, not really a student, willing to see harry potter, and who's name is Sirius Black),
You are a nincompoop! Look at the announcements board! You're thicker than that blasted mudblood Hermione's hair!
Severus Snape
*Finest potion concoctor in the land*
~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snivelo,
You are a bum and you live in a bum shack. Why does your mother love you? you are a dirty, smelly, and greasy bum! I'm surprised Florence actually kissed you! Ha!
-A red head girl (who is no longer going out with michael corner, but Neville Longbottom)
Tonkness
dear red haired girl
my mum doesnt luv me *tears*
snape
dear snape
what is your shoe size and how long is your hand
mcgonagal
swimchamp
mcgonagal
why would you want to know? do you think i'd use them against you? never in a million years *crosses fingers behind his back*
snape
snivelo,
I am falling in love with my sock what should I do? It is so stinky nobody likes me.
Luny Lovegood
Nabiki
...Sincerely, Snape
Dear Snape,
Have you washed your drawers yet?
A certain someone.
Tonkness
acs-
no and i never will just smell their stench!
snape
snape-
will you marry me
dumbledore
p.s. u no u want to
Nabiki
Do you honestly think that's funny, Mr. Weasley? I have seen enough of your horrible Potions essays to recognize your writing.
Snape.
P.S. You have detention tonight at midnight for being a mindless prat.
Snape,
Can I do some extra homework, please, please, please?
Hermione
Scapegrace
Miss Granger,
I tire of your continual annoyances. Go drown your head in Moaning Myrtle's toilet.
The Master
Dear Snape,
I need a quick repelling potion to keep away all these ninja bunny things. HELP!........
Katdecalour
BUGGAR OFF YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL!!
Snape
-----
Dear Snape,
Do you know the muffin man?
Swimchamp
You mean the one on... Who are you to butt into my love life you Weasley twins?
-Snape
I have a love poem stuck in my head what should I do?
Ron
Scapegrace
Red-Head Twit
Go squirt a draft of forgetfulness into each ear. It will remove the poem as well as all learned knowledge you've ever managed to acquire. No one will tell the difference!
S.S.
Dear P. Snape,
I've gotten a few of the love letters directed to me from your admiring fans. Thanks for putting in the good word for me! If there's anything I can do (as long as it doesn't involve magic) just ask.
Filch
Lady Henbane
Mister Filch will kindly clean all the toilets in the castle. As you asked - without magic, of course. Don't thank me, I know I'm good.
Severely Snape
Stupid Snape,
WHY do you keep writing those indecent small notes and leave them in my bed every evening?
P.P.
Swimchamp
Oh you mean the notes telling you where the cookie monster is?
-Snape
Snape
Do you know where any good places are to wash? I am running out of places in the castle.
-Dobby
Scapegrace
Former House elf,I highly reccommend you see the above suggestion for one Miss Granger. Moaning Myrtle surely won't mind the extra company.
Potions Master
Snape
I am an extremely large-boned French woman. Can you suggest a place to purchase new clothes?
Kiss kiss
Madame O.
Jami
Dear Future Mrs. Hagrid,
Learn to sew. No one makes decent clothing for fat women. All fat women clothing looks like it's made for fat men!
S. S.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Professor Snape,
I play NeoPets and need 2 more pieces of the Secret Lab map. Both the left side, the middle and bottom piece of the left side. Do you have them? My NeoID is snapesamour.
Sexy sadie
I would suggest looking for them for yourself. That way you're not wasting mine or any other person on the planet's time.
Bugger off you twit.
Snape
Dear Snape,
I did as you said in your letter and hooked Remus Lupin up with my Mom. They were a little apprehensive about a Blind Date, but when they met Talk about love at first sight! They’re going out every night now, dancing, movies, dinner, parties, comedy clubs, Petsmart, the works! I’ve never seen my mother so happy. He has to go away every month for a few days (job thing) but when he comes back he always makes up for it. They haven’t mentioned anything yet, but I think they might move in together! Another thing, he is so cool! He showed me a bunch of Defense Against the Dark Arts stuff and I’m even getting full marks in Potions! Thank you so much Snape! I can never tell you how much you did for this Californian blonde!
Love,Sadie
P.S. Remus says “Thanks”
Dreamingfifi
Sadie,
I believe that you have made a mistake. A few days ago he owled me requesting that I take that woman off his hands. He mentioned something about silver butter knives that seamed rather suspicious. But by all means, I incourage this happy (There is an ink blot here, looking as if the writer went into an uncontrolable fit of giggles.) union.
Professor Snape
Dear Loyal Servant,
IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR GREASY HEAD DOWN TO MY MEETING IN TEN SECONDS I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU!!
Sincerely,Your Master
Sexy sadie
Stop writing me Mother.
Love,
Severus.
Dear Severus G. Snape,
You may have won ten thousand dollars!Falce Publishing Sweepstakes! Scapegrace
Curse this ruddy muggle-mail! (Sends off a huge blast from his wand totally obliterating Ed McMahon's face).
Professor Snape,
May I pop in for a quick visit in your "little boys room"? The room of requirement is currently being used by Harry and his DADA class and I've really got to go.
Your Humble boss AD
Dear Snape,
How do I remove unicorn blood from my robes?
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Clarisenott
I suggest that you stick your head in a boiling cauldron of the potion that cures boils, only add the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire.
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Dad told me your master is getting pretty fed up with you not turning up. He says he's about to have someone track you down and preform the Crutatius curse on you, so you better show up next time.
Draco
Scapegrace
Now,now,young Mr. Malfoy,
As I have said before, there is no need to annoy your father with trivial matters of my own personal business. As he is locked up and cannot possibly care about meetings and such. In fact, I don't even know what you're talking about you rapscallion you.
Prof. Snape
Snape,
Where is the best place to purchase a good quality cauldron?
Lee J.
Kimberlykay
Lee J,
You can get the cauldrons from me of course as I need the money, Plus I will then know where you are at all times and able to check if you are up to anything. Then take off house points off you.
Dear Prof Snape
I have very bad acne can you tell me how to get rid of it?
P Pavitti
Sexy sadie
Why don't you do what Ms. Midgen did? She looks ever so much more interesting.
Dear Snape,
I give up.
Signed,
Given up.
Scapegrace
Given up,
It's about time! You should have given up a long time ago. You never showed any potential anyways.
Prof. Snape,
I have a huge crush on this Slytherin guy with blond hair. He and I know each other but I'm afraid he hates my guts. What should I do?
~G.W.
Snapeluva
Dear G.W.
Take the hint and leave the poor guy alone!
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape
Do you like Italian food with lots and lots of garlic?
N.L.
Scapegrace
I'm sorry, I seem to have a major problem with garlic,( it causes this horrible reaction I really cannot get into at this time.) (See book seven and you'll know all the answers).
Prof. Snape
Dear Snape,
Can you please change my grade? I don't think I deserve the Troll rating you gave me on this report.H.P.
Tonkness
hp-
yes i'll change your grade... to the lowest possible ... you'll have to stay back a year !
snape
my loveley snape
should i kill my self?
tonk
snapeluva
Certainly not! And it's questions like that that make me give you Ts! 50 points from Gryffindor!
Snape
(This was in response to the post prior to the one above, they ended up getting in before me)
Dear Professor
Why do you always wear black? It is so unbecoming you know?
Signed
G.L.
P.S. I can do joined up writing now! Would you like my autograph?
Azul
I'm sorry, lockhart, i didn't catch that. YOUR ROBES ARE TOO LOUD!!!
- snape
Dear Severus,
what do you hear when you get close to a dementor?
- Me
Tonkness
u-
what's a dementor?
snape
snape
why cant i kill my self?
tonk
Scapegrace
I don't believe I'm on a first name basis with a someone called "me" Nor am I referred to as ''u" ! That's Professor to you!
Potions Master Snape
Dear Snape,
My boyfriend works for the ministry and we'll be getting married some day soon (I hope). Can you recommend a place to hold the ceremony?
Penelope C.
Tonkness
ms penelope-
yes get married in He*l!
snape
snape
i love you! marry me
ron
Scapegrace
Mr. Weasley, That's ten points from Griffindore. Now go soak your head in the squid's lake!
P.Snape
Snape,
Why haven't you been working to get me released from here? These Azkaban guards are driving me nuts! Hurry up and save me!
Lucius
Erinye
Take it up with Voldy, Malfoy.
Dear Snape,
Just reminding you that you're still on probation. Where's that veritaserum?
Umbridge
Azul
Umbridge,
Your out of Hogwarts.... go make your own veritaserum!
-Snape
-----
Dear Severus,
Why aren't you mowing your lawn? Me and the other neighbors have agreed to ban you from all future neighborhood watch meetings until you get it done. after all, you make the neighborhood look bad!
- Mr. Johnson
Escreguto
Dear Mr. Jonhnson:
Avada Kedavra!!!!! *green lights sparks in the air*
oh, Prof. Snape:
Can you return my grease, Sir? We need it to polish the tables in the Grat Hall. Do you use it again in your hair? Sorry Sir.
Dobby the free house elf *hitting his head with a stick*
Imtyla
Dear repulsive house-elf,
I didn't take your disgusting grease. I have you know I use a very complicated and refined potion on my hair.
p.s. It is to my knowledge a certain young Malfoy is looking quite greasy these days
The Master of Hogwarts, Mr. Sir, The Honourable, King, Professor Severus S. Snape
(please continue hitting yourself w/ the stick)
Dear Snivellus,
I have been hearing whispering voices, and all I can see is black. Can you help a dog out?-
From Beyond
Sexy sadie
Frankly Black,
I don't know where you are and I don't really care. I'm sure that wherever you are, you certainly of more use to the Order. (Evil snicker)
Dear Snape,
Do you canoe?
Signed Sadie
Scapegrace
Dearest Sadie,
If you're asking, do I use that repulsive muggle-scent, I most certainly do not! I have concocted this deliciously devilish scent of my own down here in my dungeons. Perhaps one day, if things go really bad here at work, I'll just quit and market my own product. I know an out of work fool at St. Mungos who would be the perfect model for my advertising campaign. Thank you for the idea,
Severus Snape
Snape
Have you seen my pet snake Nagini? She's gone missing again. Please check all the underground tunnels there at Hogwarts and let me know if you've spotted her.
Voldi Baby
2siriusBlack
Dear Voldi Baby,
Yes, she stopped by about an hour ago. I told Luicius to tell you. He must have gotten detained.
Death Eater Forever,Severus Snape
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Severus,
I, Gilderoy Lockhart, am protesting against your new hair care products. If you do not cease imediately, I will send the people from Witch Weekly over with an order to re-enact a salem witch trial, just for you, old man!
Yours Truly,
Gilderoy Lockhart
P.s.-Does your hair product work on blondes?
Scapegrace
Blond Twit,
My hair potion is specifically made for myself alone! However, if you're interested, I have this idea of my own cologne product called "Sexy Sevvy.Ensnare your senses."
S.S.
Professor Snape,
Hate to bother you but have you seen Seamus? He's blown up again in class and we are in need of some salve for his burns.
Prof. Flitwick
Tonkness
Havent seen him.
s.s.
snape
have you seen where your dark mark tatoo went i cant find it !
-tonk
Scapegrace
Pink-haired strange person,
How would you know wheather or not I have any tattoos about my person?! Now off with you, freakish woman!
Snape
Prof. Snape
How do I remove chocolate stains from library books?
Madam P.
Sexy sadie
Dear Madam P,
I would advise a cleaning potion found in most household spell books. I would also suggest placing curses on the books to make sure the students didn't go around destroying them, but I have noticed you have already done so. Congratulations on your curse on Creevy, too bad his hair will grow back.
Dear Snape,
What?
Sadie
Scapegrace
Please ask me for ADVICE. This is an ADVICE column!
S.S.
Snape,
I've got my eye on you! Don't try anything,you hear?! Constant vigilance,that's what it's all about!Now, where did I place that faux-eye glass cleaner?
Moody
Azul
Moody, there's a dark wizard behind you! quick, jinx him!
Dear Professor Snape,
Why are you always so malevolent? You remind me of that strange witch off of sleeping beauty.-
You Know Who... i am
Swimchamp
You know who
Why would you want to know?
Snape
Snape,
I think someone named Severus is in love with me! What should I do? Some blonde
SlytherinGirl
Try dying your hair brown. It's called artifical intelligence.
Prof. S.S.
Dear Prof. Snape,
Would you take points away from me if I cursed Harry into a million pieces?
Sincerely,
A slytherin
Sammie
I would not blast you into a million pieces.. However if you did it face to face i would have given you detention but seeing as you most likely did it to his back congratualations,
Prof. S. Snape
----------------------
Dear Snape-e,
I have a mad crush on Ronald Weasley. What would be the best ways to go about this?
Redjewelzs
Dear student,
Unless you are that annoying know-it-all mudblood Granger, I suggest you leave him alone, or at least watch him squirm as Granger ignores him constantly as she is rather fond of Viktor Krum (us professors tend to keep track of what is going on in our students' lives, I will never let you know how, just know we know what you're doing and thinking...), so I say you have less than no chance of obtaining one Mr. Weasley (and why would you, honestly, go find yourself a good Slytherin student, unless of course you're a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff, in that case stick to your idiotic house). If this IS Ms. Granger, I suggest you leave Mr. Weasley alone, for although he may fancy you, I've heard a rumor about him and a certain Ravenclaw student.
Professor Severus Snape,
Master of Love
p.s. - if half of you students spend as much time with hormones as you did with school work, I wouldn't be as bitter as I usually am... complete dunderheads every year... honestly!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yo Snape, my dawg!
aight check it, i been tryin to get this hot ass honey to go out wit me but she just ain't feelin me, you know what i'm sayin? this chick is in the same house as me but i think shes been playin me with one of my dawgs... what kind of s**t is that!? so check it, you think you could gimme a pointer so i can get my wifey to me, and what curse should i use to cap this punk who thought he could rob my girl? should i 'avada kedevra' that lil bi**h who took my girl or what? aight peace out snape man, and lemme know how i did on my last potions test (no doubt i got a O baby)... one love dawgs!
-gryff thug
Snapeluva
Dear Gryff thug
And this is why I keep campaigning for Dumbledore to introduce English lessons to the Hogwarts curriculum. Honestly! If you people do not stop wasting my time I will be forced to hunt you all down and curse you all.
Professor Snape
PS. 100 points from Gryffindor!
Dear Prof
Why is your name an anagram of Perseus Evans? Are you related to Harry's mum?
signed
Just Wondering
Azul
Just wondering eh? Well wouldn't you like to know?
Dear Professor snape,
If one plus one is two, then why are you so ugly?-
Its me again
RedjewelZS
whoever 'YOU' are,
i'm amazed you can add that high, personally, and last time i checked, you weren't exactly the prettiest thing in this castle, now are you? people like you STRIVE to be as beautiful as me, now leave me alone before i find out what house you're in so that i can take off 50 points from it.
the grand genius himself,
MASTER severus snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Severus,
I do hope you are actually HELPING the students with this ADVICE column, and that they are benefitting from your vast knowledge of the world and wizard kind. If not.... well you know how harsh my wrath can be, Severus, and I shall make sure that you will end up in a situation that will not be so compromising... such as making SURE that Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger, and yes Severus, Mr. Longbottom too, will be enrolled in your N.E.W.T. level potions class. Do not fail me, I trust you completely, as well as you judgement.
I am always watching you, Severus.
Albus Dumbledore
P.S.: Ms. Midgen has come to me with a horrible dilemma pertaining to her acne problem, and I have been so gracious as to inform her that you would be making a potion to help her with her demotological problems.
Make sure she gets that potion, Severus.... Oh, and did you see the last Quidditch match with the Tornados vs. the Wasps!? Very admirable work by the Tornados chasers against the Wasps' keeper if I don't say so myself.
Ta-ta for now.
Scapegrace
Oh dear me, not another acne potion. Is this what I am reduced to? I tell you it's really almost too much to take. Was it not bad enough that I had to make the werewolf potion? Can't Madam Pomfrey handle ANYTHING?!
Those brats in my ADVANCED potions class?! What will my fellow Slytherines think? Please can you just make me the DADA teacher next year? I promise I'll behave! No, really!
Severus
Snape
This is Hootch. Get up here if you still want to join us in our poker game.
NOW!!!
Redjewel Z S
oh crap! did that start already? bloody dumbledore keepin me up till late hours answerin these bloody pleas from the snivelling students... i'll be there in a few minutes! DON'T START WITHOUT ME, AND DONT LET FLITWICK NEAR THE RUM DAMNIT!!-
the remains of severus snape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Professor Snape,
Can I call you Severus? Anyway, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to escort me to the next yule ball... I wanted to go with this ravishing 6th year Slytherin but he turned me down because he chose to go with that hideous cow instead. I will not mention any names here, but I'm sure you know which HAG I'm referring to. I have bought some new concoctions to fix up certain physical problems I may have (nothing contagious sir so don't be frightened). So would you go with me, my beautiful Severus?
Forever yours,
a lovestruck Gryffindor
Scapegrace
My dear
I really have no idea who you are but I'm afraid I will be busy all evening zapping lovers hiding in bushes.(It's the most fun I ever have at Hogwarts.) How I love the Yule Ball!!!!!!
Prof. Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Could you tell our bratty nephew we don't want him to come home for the holidays? He's such an embarrassment to us. In fact, if you could, will you give us some tips on how you keep him under control there at that magic school of yours? We really admire your fair and balanced ways.
sincerely,
Vernon and Petunia
ImTyla
Dear Disgusting muggles,
It is not of my concern, nor my problem what your bratty little fame infested nephew does. I personally would prefer him to return to your house, as it is your fault he is the way he is. So deal with it.
p.s. Do not write me anymore. I do not associate with muggles.
The All-Mighty Master,
Professor Severus S. Snape
Dearest Snape,
There's a hole in the world tonight. How do we stop there from being one tomorrow?
Love,
Would'nt you like to know
Azul
To the unwise... if there is a hole, then fill it up! What kind of idiot cannot comprehend the simple physics of such an action?! Oh, wait... you must be a muggle.
- Snape
Dear Severus,
I know where you live... and if you don't give me a straight and proper answer to this very important, and life changing question... i will see to your demise!
Why is the sky blue?
-Mr. Hitman
Lisa Turpin
Mr. Hitman,
I don't have time to answer such questions. I am way too busy answering fan mail. Find some dunderhead to answer your idiotic question.
Prof. Snape
Prof. Snape, sir,
I wanted to inform you that Potter has been sneaking out of his dormitory to steal from your office. Dumbledore overlooked these instances, but I'm sure you will stop Potter from disobeying the rules again.
~Draco
Scapegrace
Ah Draco,
You do spend quite a bit of time writing to me now, don't you? Perhaps you should run off like a good lad and teach your two best friends how to write. And as for Potter, consider that matter taken care of.
All the Best,
Prof. Snape
Dear Snape,
Why are you failing my Neville? He's a good boy. He's had tough times. He can do the work (though certainly not as good as his father). You leave him alone or I'm getting Dumbledore involved!
Granny L.
Sexy Sadie
Dear Mrs. Longbottom,
If you are in need of an example of Neville's abysmal Potion skills, please order him to cook dinner tonight and five minutes (and three fires) later you will realize the reason why Neville Longbottom should not be allowed within ten feet of a cauldron.
And as for your threat, not even the headmaster can ignore the twenty five melted, blasted, dissenterated and bloodied cauldrons. Yes, one of the cauldrons started to bleed while he was working on it.
Longbottom's Potions abilities can be described with one example: I ordered the students to boil water and three minutes later there was an explosion from his cauldron. The only use Neville would be in a Potions career would be as test subject. And only if he worked very, very, hard.
Signed,
Professor S. Snape
Dear Snape,
Er...I think I had an accident with my Rememberence Potion. Should my cauldron be running down the hallway shooting at people? If not, how would I stop it?
Signed,
P. F.
Jenellzy
Dear R.F.
I believe the best thing theat you can do is chase down your cauldron and don't stop until you are at the bottom of the lake! Hope you can't swim,
Prof. Snape
Dearest Professor Snape,
I was hoping that I could come to the dungeon later on for help with my potions. Maybe you could meet me there at the stroke of midnight?!
Your most obedient student,
JenEllzy
Erinye
Dear Jen,
Sorry, I'll be...er...busy then...very important work. Top secret.
*coughKatcough*
Snape
Dear Snape,
My dad was better than you, so ner.
H.P.
Im Tyla
Dear fame-infested, full of himself, scar-headed, prodigy of Gilderoy Lockhart,
Just to clear it up:
I am your father, so technically I can't be better than myself, can I.
p.s. If you tell anyone about this, you will regret it for all eternity.
Love,
daddy...I mean.....
Professor Severus S. Snape
Snapekins,
Why did you stand me up last night (and don't even say you forgot, b/c I know that little burning on your arm reminded you)? I thought we were really beginning to connect. I am extremely dissapointed, but I am willing to give you another chance. What do ya say?
p.s. I would say "yes" if I were you.
Sincere regards,
The Dark Lord
Sexy Sadie
I think that remark bought you 300 points from Gryffindor, three detentions and a two foot essay on the benefits of silence, Mr. Potter.
Dear Professor Snape,
I am happily married with two children. My husband "Matthew" and I are deeply in love and are planning to buy our first house. Here is my problem: before I was married to Matthew, I was married to my husband "Vincent" and though he never abused me, it was not a happy marriage and we divorced. I have never told Matthew about my first marriage and he is very against the idea of divorce in general. Should I tell him about Vincent and risk our happiness, or should I continue and pretend that my first marriage never existed and lie to the man I love?
Signed,Once Divorced, Twice married.(OOC: Thanks to Examun for suggesting a "Dear Abby" letter to me.)
Scapegrace
Dear Divorce',
I suggest you come clean and tell all. There's no good that can come from a marriage based on lies. (This is why I have retained my bacherlorhood these many years. I would hate to have to confide to anyone all of my, shall I say, shenanigans?). If your husband leaves you, perhaps he'll find a troll for his intellectually stimulating companionship!
Good day to you,
Prof. Snape
Dear Human Snape,
I have recently been banned from my people. Can you suggest another group that I might join now? Even the unicorns won't talk to me.
A Lonely Centaur
DracosGirl77
Dear Lonely Centaur,
I heard Umbridge has a thing for Centuars ever since a certain incident in the forbiddon forest which to my great annoyance she will not discuss, instead she justs smiles secretively. Short of this you could try following the spiders into the cave in the forbiddon forest, I know that they'd certainly enjoy a bit of fresh mea.... err company in there.
S. Snape
Dear Snapey,
I was wondering if you could give me suggestions on a potion that would induce dreams about a certain oily haired, ex-slytherin and help them come to reality..... Also I have a bit of a stray animal problem outside my office, any suggestions? Perhaps you'd like to come up for a closer look? and while I am at it I have a terrible purple rash, any ideas about this?
With Love,
The irresistable Dumblelydore.
Stschoey
The irresistable Dumblelydore,
You're the headmaster,
I believe you could handle these issues without...further taking my time away from the students. If you intend to pursue this matter, please be warned that the Order won't have my services much longer.
SS
Dear Snape,
I am going to be jumping off a bridge tomorrow afternoon to end my pathetic life. I get rideculed at school, plus being hit with socks is really degrading. Do you have any suggestions as to which bridge I should jump, so I could join the Hogwart's ghosts in the afterlife?
DOWN and DOwn and down and out.
Scapegrace
Stop wearing socks. Avoid bridges. Hire a troll bodyguard. Don't let others dictate to you the value of your own life!
( You didn't hear this from me!)
S.S.
Dear Snape,
Those leeches you ordered have come in. You may pick them up anytime along with that de-greasing compound. I don't know what you're going to do with such a huge amount.
Slimey Shopkeeper,
Knockturn Alley
redjewelzs
What I do with my purchases is very much NONE of your business so keep your nose out of it!
Ah excellent, my leeches have arrived, and just in time for the next potion to be concocted by those buffoons in my class. I figure a new way of torturing the students would be interesting... oh, did you think the leeches were FOR the potion? ::smiles evilly::-
the great master
Prof. Severus Snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello Prof. Snape,
I'm really lonely in my bathroom stall, and my friends said they would come visit me, but they never do! I'm sick of everyone lying to me and making fun of me... I wish I was dea- oh, nevermind. Could you come by and give me some company, I'm lots of fun to talk to plus I do have a knack of haunting those that annoy me.-
forever gloomy (and I DON'T MOAN!)
Dracosgirl77
Dear Slimey Shopkeeper
Not that it is any of your business but I find it relaxes me to attach leeches to certain parts of my body, perhaps you can try it sometime and as for the de-greasing, well I have just tried everything else there is I am on the verge of giving up, I hate the ridicule I receive just because I can't concoct a proper anti-apparation potion like all the other potion masters, the de-greasing formula may help me out! I hope you are hit by the knight bus.
S. Snape
Dear Snape
I was recently bitten by a certain ex-professor in a jealous rage and now I seem to be sprouting hair down my back, my arms, I have claws, this is all happening so rapidly, suddenly I have the desire to eat you! I am coming snape! Arrghh RAAAA, *panting, races towards Snapes office, minutes after the letter arrives*
Filch
Scapegrace
Melancholy Mertle,
Go out of your stall and meet others of your kind-isn't there some sort of death-party event held each year? But please, a word to the wise, stay away from that nasty pirate!
Prof. Snape
Filch,
That back of neck hair. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you've always had it. We've just always looked the other way as you were a fellow Slytherin. I understand Madam Pince has some excellent balding curses. I suggest you visit her for treatments. Don't worry about the side-effects. Trolls are actually ATTRACTED to bald men.
Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
Come up here and get rid of these leeches someone delivered to me by mistake! They are most disgusting!
Prof. McGonnagal
DaCheat
Dear lazy,
beep beep beep beeep beeeeeeeeeeep beep beeeeep beep.
sincerly
your stupid dumb face
StsChoey
Professor,
If you need my help, please submit a request in writing. It will then have to go through processing. I should be back to you in a little over a month.
Have a nice day.
SS
Dear Snape,
Why did you want to be a professor anyway? I mean, school wasn't exactly a pleasent experience for you, was it?
Regards,
Regardless
Scapegrace
Regardless,
I enjoy the power it gives me. What's it to you anyway?
Prof.Snape
Dear Snape,
Everybody keeps hiding my things. What should I do?
L.L.
ImTyla
Dear L. L.,
I would see this as a sign that nobody likes you. If it were me I would leave this school and never come back again......not that anyone would notice.
The Master,
Professor Severus S. Snape
Dear Snape (buddy o' pal),
I am in need of the wolfsbane potion for a ....friend. I would be much obliged if you could help me, I mean him out.
Lup...I mean Dumbledore
Azul
Sorry lupin,
but u no longer work for hogwarts, and as such, i am no longer obligated to make u such a potion. Go terrorize a town or something.
- Snape
Dear Professor,
I tried to curse my acne off, and now my face is all puffy... can you supply me w/ a potion to cure this?
- Eloise Migden
Swimchamp
No but what about a forgetfulness potion you will forget everything but you look in the mirror and remember only that and nothing else.
-Snape
Snape
Do you ever admire your nose?
-Draco Ron
Undecidedlion
What a stupid question!
As if your nose were worth anything. Maybe if you spent even an eighth of the time you worry about people's noses on your potions homework, you might be worth something!
Dear Professor Snape,
Is it possible to transform yourself into a single strand of hair. It's been my life-long dream to be a hair on your greasy head.
~Utterly In Love With Greasy Hair~
Stschoey
Utterly In Love With Greasy Hair,
Please go see Regardless, and let him push you off the bridge.
SS
Dear Mr. Snape,
I am writing to inform you that you have won Witch Weekly best smile contest for the thrid time in a row. We were wondering if we could get an autographed picture to put on the front cover of our next issue. Please remember to show us those pearly whites.
Witch Weekly Winners Corp.
Swimchamp
UM... I have yellow teeth not white...
Snape
can you tell me how to get you to fall in love with me?
SOS
Padfoot
To SOS,
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR SO CALLED MIND ?? *mutters* Will my "fans" ever leave me in peace?
If you "love" me so much, do me this little favor....
Take all your pathetic love letters and burn!!!!!
Sincerely loathing you,
Severus
Padfoot
To my poor muddled "friend",If you don't mind explaining...Who is Florance?
R. J. L.
Swimchamp
Only if you want to die!
ss
How many fans do you have Severus?
Scapegrace
I don't need fans, my dungeons are cold enough.
Prof. Snape
Severus,
Would you like to meet me at the Three Broomsticks for some fire whiskey and a bit of conversation?
P.Sinistra
Sexy sadie
Hold on, I think I've heard that song..
. Why not. I'll be there at seven.
Severus
Dear Prof,
Dude!
Like? Wuzzzup?
Signed
90's Surfer D
Amy Malfoy
Professor Snape,
Are you really as slimy as they all say you are?
Chrisellesy
Amy Lupin,
Hey, you git,
stop asking questions which do mostly not concern you. You should try being slimy yourself, and see if it compares to what I look like. That way, we could both see how idiotic you are to send me this cursed letter. May you be struck by lightning and may the Leaning Tower of Pisa fall on you. May you fall on your fat arse.
The utterly irritated Potions Master,
Professor Severus Snape
Dearest Professor Snape,
What is an advice column? What is advice? Who are the people who are sending you letters? Do you know them? We are so confused! Wait - how does it feel to be stupid and uh - what's the word again? *scratches head*
Horribly Confused,
Crabbe and Goyle
Scapegrace
C. and G.
Apparently between the two of you there seems to be only one brain. "*scratches head*". Go find Draco and maybe he can explain things to you.
Master of Potions
Prof. Snape,
My friend Lucius (who is temporarily detained) and I were wondering if you've been able to find out any more on that matter we discussed earlier on your present boss at Hogwarts. Please, we really need to nail this guy. Get us something we can use.
Corny F.
Gryffindorechaser
Dear Corny F.
To answer your question I found out from a very relaiable source that Dumboldore talks in his sleep about purple bunnies and pink goats. Also for his summer vacation he goes to Hagrid's Hut to watch the trees. Now I suggest that you never write to me again you filthy scumbag!
Dear Prof. Snape
I was just wondering if you ever heard of shampoo?
From, Draco Gred &Forge W.
Zetty
Of course I have heard of shampoo...that is exactly why I don't use it. Stupid question...when am I going to get promoted...
Dear Snape,
You have always been so kind. Thank you for all that you have done for the student body.
Harry
AJ
Dear Harry,
I suggest you bone up on resisting the Imperius Curse. Or did you pen this letter on a dare? Perhaps you have finally come to see the Portions Master for what he is and appreciate his service to the school. I suggest in that case you take it to the headmaster and put in a good word for me. As you are his pampered protege, surely he will pay attention.Then again, that would be far too mature for a Potter. Five points from Gryffindor. Now leave me alone.
Dear Professor Snape,
I suspect that one of my teachers may be a vampire or half vampire. Our whole House has placed bets to this effect, but some of us are worried. Do you think we should report our suspicions to the Headmaster?
Scapegrace
Nosy student,
Stop this infernal rumor mongering immediately or I shall take points off your house!(Since you failed to mention WHICH house you belong to, it shall be left up to me to decide).
Heh. Heh. Heh.
Prof, Snape
Professor Big- Nose,
Why do you feel you know all the answers? I don't think you've helped me out with any of your advice yet.
R.W.
Sita128
To Mr. R.W.
I do know all the answers, if you haven't gotten any help it's your own fault not mine.
From Snape.
To Greasey Hair,
Do you belive in Trestals?
L. Lovegood.
Scapegrace
L.L.,
Yes. I also believe in the toothfairy, santa clause, and vampires.
Prof. SnapeSeverus,
Please report to the faculty lounge.There's two nasty looking goblins here to see you about some sort of money matter. (I hope you can still make good on the money you owe me from that poker game the other night.)
Hootch
Celestina
Oh for Merlin's sake,
this is an advice column, not a bloody contact service. (Tell them I'll be right there.)
===
Dear Prof. Snape,
Why do you want the DADA position so badly, anyway?
Curious (Raven)Claw
Lisa Turpin
Ravenclaw student,
That matter is not any of your buisiness. 50 points from Ravenclaw.
Prof. Snape
Professor Snape,
Sir, I was wondering if you knew that Harry is related to you. In fact, I think that he is close enough to be your son. I ran some tests and am sure my results are accurate.
~H.G.
Scapegrace
Miss Granger, you silly girl,
Muggle tests don't work on wizards.The very thought that Potter could even be remotely be related to this Master of Potions is completely and utterly preposterous!!! No, really. I mean it. Stop spreading these rumors. I'll sue!! Slander I tell you! I'll have none of it! 50 points from Griffindore!!!
Prof. Snape
Dear Professor,
Do you know how to extract a child from the jaws of a man-eating plant? I'm afraid Draco is having a tough time of it.
Prof. Sprout
Sexy sadie
Good God woman,
Aren't you the Herbology expert? If you're really that desperate why don't you try pouring pepper on it's nose. If that doesn't work- GET ANOTHER JOB.
Dear Prof,
Dude! Like? Wuzzzup?
Signed
90's Surfer Dud
Kat Decalour
90's Surfer Dude,
Assuming that I have understood you correctly, "what is up" is my wand. Against your throat. And if you don't depart this area by the time I count to three, something else will be up - Your body, rocketing towards the MOON!!
As if I don't deal with enough dunderheads in classes ... Why on earth did I agree to answer the dratted letters?!
Severus Snape
----
Dearest "Snape",
What are you getting me for my birthday, sugar plum?
Love, Kat Delacour
Sexy Sadie
A new gardner. Try to let this one live at least a few weeks.Now leave me alone.
Dear Snape,
I'm at your door. With an axe.
With love,
Wanda Wildabeezer.
Scapegrace
Opens door and shouts,"Avada Kedavra!"
Flashes of green light shoot out of Snape's wand.
W.W. is no more.
Well, some people can't take "no" for an answer.
Dear Snape,
You must help! Durmstrang is being taken over by dementors, escaped Deatheaters from Azkaban, and the Dark Lord!!! Please tell Dumbledore! We need HELP!!!!!
Desperate and Discouraged,
Victor K.
P.S.
Tell Her- My- Own -Ninny I love her!
Escreguto
Gosh, I forget it. *apparate fast to arrive at Durmstrang* Sorry my Dark Lord, I'm late. Don't hurt me. That silly advice column cause me to forget the invasion!
Dear Prof. Severus Snape:
We, at the IRS, want to visit you in some time this month. Can you wait for us? We need to talk to you for some invoice matters.
The IRS.
Kitwood
Dear Professor Snape
how do I get a date for the Yule Ball?
from,
sad without a bf
Stacy
Dear sad without a bf,
You don't have any dates because you are a stupid child with no talent at potion making and have an appalling set of triple chins. Kindly do not write me in the future unless you have questions on the following topics:
*Why I am better than you
* Why potions is the most important thing you will learn in this school
* How I got to be this smart
* How you can become more like me
* Why Slytherin is the best house in Hogwarts.
* Why I am better than you
Sincerely,
Professor S. Snape
PS If you do get a date by some miracle, I'll be watching for you in the shrubbery.
Dear Professor Snape,
Help!
I need some career advice.
Should I be an Auror or a Death Eater?
Confused
Chrisellesy
Dear Confused,
How about you try to become an auror? But a deatheater is certainly more promising! Not! You are too much undertalented to be able to go and accomplish any of your undertakings. Please do be advised that you are qualified to be the next gamekeeper in Hogwarts, or maybe you could work alongside Filch! Wouldn't he be just happy?
Severus Snape,
Potions Professor and Head of Slytherin House
Dearest Professor Snape,
How can I be more like you? Why are you better than me? Why is potions the best thing to learn in Hogwarts? Why is Slytherin the best house? How can I be more like you?
Sad without a BF
Kat Delacour
Dear "sad without a bf",
You can't be more like me because you are too idiotic. I am better than you because it's not hard to best a microbe of sludge. Potions is the best things to learn at Hogwarts because I teach it. Slytherin is the best house because I say so. Also, if you repeat youself you will never come close to being more like me.
Severus Snape
--------
Dearest Snape,
What's that behind you?!! YEEAAARGGHHH!!!
Sincerely, Kat
Tonkness
Kat-there wasnt anything behind me... er wait AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
snape
snapedo
you have a monkey?
tonk
Scapegrace
Pink-haired girl,
I have no monkey. However, Professor McGonnagal has several caged in her classroom. Perhaps if you wander over there she will transfigure you in to a baboon and you can join your friends. We'll all be the better for it.
Professor Snape
P.Snape,
My pet rat turned out to be a man in disguise. Now I can't seem to get over the trauma. I slept with it for gosh sake!! Every pet I see reminds me of the event. I freak out when I see my friends cat! Could he be a man too? And what about my other friends owl? I just can't get over it all!! What should I do?
Please help!
Red-Head Prefect
Chrisellesy
Dearest Red-Head Prefect,
You know, I had that problem once. My advice for you is to bash your head a million times on the floor when you see an animal. Try that, it feels really good and empties your mind! It's good for occlumency.
Severus Snape
Snape,
Why in hell have you not been attending the past few DE meetings? You will be faced with Cruciatus. Come early tonight, Riddle Manor. I hope to see you there! *grins devilishly*
Voldemort
Kat Decalour
Dear "Voldemort"
An admirable attempt to force me into showing my true alliance, but a failed attempt nonetheless. You gave yourself away with your poor penmanship and the small scribble on the bottom that looks vaguely like a snitch with the initials "CC" inscribed upon it. Perhaps you should get back to your homework, Mr Potter, instead of sending me ridiculous owls.
Severus Snape
--------
Dear Snapey-Wapey
I wish that I had a better personal ad to find men just like you! Snapey Wapey,Snapey Wapey,Oh, my love is true!
Signed Love-Lorne
Dear Love-Lorn,
My advice is to STOP STALKING ME. You think I'm so dumb why? You've failed my class 16 years just so you could be at Hogwarts near me. Filthy 16th year! GO AWAY!
Snape
Dear Snape,
What is the best way to wash your greasy slime-filled hair?
Girl-with-perfect-hair
Sexy sadie
Dear Stupid Girl,
Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have greasy hair, now would I? Twenty points from whatever house you're in. Probably Gryffindor.
Dear Professor Snape,
I think I insulted Kat and now there are Ninjas after me! What do you suggest I do?
Signed,J. Gardner
Scapegrace
J.G.
I suggest as I have done earlier in this advice column. A carefully aimed curse followed by a quick dash into the faculty bathroom.(Just be sure McGonnagal doesn't have to "go" first.)
Prof. Snape
And a quick reply to love-lorne,
Oh, you made me blush.(I know it's difficult to tell with my pale-greenish complexion.)
S.S.
Dear Prof. Snape,
The crystal ball never lies. You have 5 hours to live. (Just thought you'd like to know.)
Prof. T.
Fleur Delacour
Dear "Professor T.",
the crystal ball, I am afraid, lies all the time. You so kindly put the time you wrote this and it was four hours and fifty-eight minutes ago. Anyway, you are probably just a fraud fired by Umbridge and rehired by Dumbledore the year after. You are a divination teacher who is a dimwit. You should know by now that you are the teacher of the most hated subject in the school. It is now 5 hours after -- *suddenly, snape faints (not dies). he wakes up a minute later* -- You dimwit! You predicted the wrong thing! I would PASS OUT in five hours time, not die. No wonder that idiot Potter hasn't died yet...
Professor S.
~~~
Dear Professor Snape,
I think I am fat. People call me the "jolly fat man" sometimes. I eat all the sweets left out by kind young kids who believe in me once a year. I don't understand. What do you reckon I should do?
Santa C.
Kheledriel
Dear Professor Snape,
Hi. I like one of my best friends. I know he doesn't like me. But, I like him a lot...Should I do anything about it or just let it go?
Sincerely,
Confoozled
Azul
on 11/02/2003 at 20:33:27, FleurDelacour wrote:
Dear Professor Snape,
I think I am fat. People call me the "jolly fat man" sometimes. I eat all the sweets left out by kind young kids who believe in me once a year. I don't understand. What do you reckon I should do?
Santa C.
Santa C.
I would suggest that you get over this humiliation. Unless you plan to diet every day for the rest of eternity, you will remain a blubberous bag of jelly. Take all offense to it. By the way, many people in the world don't belive you exist. Take it as a hint, why don't you?
The Master of All
Severus Snape
on 11/02/2003 at 22:38:02, Kheledriel wrote:
Dear Professor Snape,
Hi. I like one of my best friends. I know he doesn't like me. But, I like him a lot...Should I do anything about it or just let it go?
Sincerely,Confoozled
Confoozled,
What do i look like, a matchmaker? Take it up with someone who cares. Try Trelawney.
- Severus Snape
~~~~
Dear Sir,
I thought i just saw Potter and his friends run across the lawn, but that is impossible, because they passed behind me only seconds ago. I think Potter might be up to something, and i wanted to alert you so you could catch him in the act.
- Draco
Scapegrace
I see Kheledriel has chosen to ignore the question from the jolly fat man. A wise decision. He never brought me anything my whole life!
S.S.
Draco, my lad,
Are you certain that the two people behind you aren't you best friends? They do seem to be always at your heels.
Prof. Snape
Professor Snape,
I am failing occlumency because of you! Dumbledore says you still gotta help me!
H.P.
Sita128
To H.P.
You yet again remind me of your father. He too was a whinying little git, who didn't know what was good for him. Grow up.
From PROFESSOR Snape.
Dear snapey
What do you use to trim your nose hairs?
From Hairy.
Sexy sadie
Why did I have to get caught? Why did I even have to become a Death Eater? Why couldn't have I gotten into politics like father wanted? Or a dancer, I always wanted to become a dancer. But no, I had to join the Dark Lord and try to take over the world, didn't I? I had to get caught and confess everything to Dumbledore, didn't I? So now I'm trapped here in this dratted school teaching teenage dimwits Potions! And now I'm answering pathetically written letters about my own nosehair! ARGH!!!
Damn the world! Damn it all! (takes out his wand and puts it to his heart) AVADA KEDAVRA!!!
BOOM!!!
(Dead faint, not dead, just fainted)
Dear Albus,
I think Severus has finally lost it. Maybe you should excuse him of the advice column.
Sincerly,
Minerva
Chrisellesy
Minerva,
That can, unfortunately, NOT be arranged. The Quibbler would not let Severus go. Besides, he told me he enjoyed writing the pathetic students and that he liked making them quiver in fright when they've read his letters.
AlbusDearest
Professor Snape,
What is your favorite subject when you were studying at Hogwarts? Could you consider an apprenticeship in Potions from me?
Yours,
Very studious and your top student in potions
Scapegrace
Studious,
My fav. subject has ever been the Dark Arts. Unfortionately, Dumbledore doesn't trust me enough to allow me to teach it. As it is, I am forced to slog through dangerous potions concocted by dunderheads such as Mr. Longbottom. That being the case, my advanced potions are highly in demand and I cannot accept just ANYONE into these classes.(Although I have a feeling Dumbledore's "pet" will somehow be placed in my class.(He'll regret it I assure you.) Only the BEST will survive my gruelling tasks. If you feel up to it, by all means, apply. Just don't go crying to mummy when I berrate you in front of the others.(Oh, how I enjoy that so!)
Professor Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
I am new here. Can you tell me my password to get into Griffindore? I forgot it. Thanks ever so much!
Creevey
Stacy
Dearest Creevey:
I believe I heard the Fat Lady say it was, "I'm too stupid to live." Good luck.
Professor S. Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I tried to shrink my nose but I only managed to turn it into an eel. Please help. My eel thinks he belongs in Slytherin and keeps trying to pull me in their common room (and he's a strong little bugger. he managed to drag me all the way across the the fifth floor corridor) but I'm a Hufflepuff.
Sincerely,
Kelli and her eel
Scapegrace
Kelli,
Try "scourgify" on your eely nose. Don't be discouraged if Madam Pomfrey needs to replace your face. It most certainly will be an improvement!Bother me no more!
THE Potions master
Dear Professor Snape,
My parents embarrass me. I've left home and plan to marry soon. Should I invite them to the wedding?
P.Weasley
Kat Delacour
P. Weasley,A wedding?!! Weddings make me cry so ... Excuse me ... I have to go
S. Snape
*runs away bawling*
--------
Dearest Darling Snuggie-poo,
Whose a good boy!? Serevus is a good boy! Yes he is! Yes he is!!
Love Mummy
2siriusBlack
Mummy,
hush you old witch. (I am in a nasty mood or what. lol)
From,
A person you do not know and does not know you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snape,
I secretly want to Ministy of Magic when I grow up. Do you have any suggesions?
From,Lucius Malfoy
Sexy sadie
Minstry of Magic? What is it you want to Minstry of Magic?
If you weren't married Lucius, I would tell you to get a woman. Since you are however, all that's left is to advise you to get medical help.
Dear Snape,
Thanks for the wonderful time last week. I never knew you could dance so well.
Signed,
Professor Sinistra
Azul
Snape,
I know, you were just a fantastic dancer yourself. And you look so handsom with the way the light catches your hair. And do tell me where you get that nose of yours, its just magnificant.
Professor Snape.
===============
Dear Master,
I think i'm addicted to *hic* butterbeer. i drink over 40 ounces *hic* a day, and people are *hic* telling me that is *hic* way to much. What would *hic* suggest?
Winky The House Elf
Dusty
Winky,
I suggest you stop drinking butterbeer you know your not allowed that much. actually im surprised you came to me to ask for advice.
Dear Professor Snape,
I am one of these people that tend to have a hard time with the relationship side of things. I was wondering when are we going to learn to do love potions?
From,
Needs a guy cause she has no life.
Tonkness
Ms. Granger-
stop asking me or i'll never make you drink er i mean make a love poiton
snape
hunny-
who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
tonk
Swimchamp
The cookie monster! (hopefully not an insult to Zardi)
-hunny
What is Christopher Robin's favorite tigger, eeyore, piglet, pooh, owl, gopher, kanga, or rabbit?
LJ
Azul
Dear LJ
Who ever told you he liked that rubbish? Christopher Robin just used the stuffing for bonfires he held in his backyard where he sat with a bunch of other ratty children to tell ghost stories.
Not to mention this is an ADVICE column. there is another forum for riduculous questions. Please stick to advice questions!
Master of All
- Severus Snape
---------
Dear Snape,
Where is a good place to buy dungbombs? Zonkos is out of stock, and they said that Filch has sued them, so they are not restocking. Any ideas?
- Gred and Forge Weasley
Swimchamp
Make your own so I can get you even more in trouble.
Um great idea
snape
What should I do I can't stop dancing?
LL
AJ
You can either have someone try Finite Incantatem on your legs or enter a disco boogie marathon and send half your winnings to me.
Dear Snape,
It seems there are times that I wake up and can't remember what I've been doing for the past number of hours. Then I see everyone running around freaking about weird stuff that's been going on around the school. What do you think is happening?
GW
Scapegrace
L.L.
Try the leg-locking curse. It does wonders.Go ask Longbottom.
Prof. Snape
G.W.
Please go seek help. Your problems are too vast (and strange) for me to deal with.
P. Snape
Dear Snape,
I can't seem to locate my new robes. Have you seen them?
Prof. Dumbledore
Sita128
Dear Dumbledore,
You left your new robes in my office the last time you visited. I proceeded to burn them as they were so ugly (green with bright pink polka dots).
from Snape
To whom it may concern
We at the minstry have been informed that you are running an illegal advice colum. Please stop at once or be prepared to pay a large fine.
the minstry of magic
Stacy
Dear "Ministry of Magic" (aka Ron Weasley),
My advice is quite legal, thank you. I have never advised anyone to perform illegal curses nor have I ever told anyone how to steal Fudge's position (I'm saving that advice for someone who really deserves it: me).
By the way, I didn't know the Ministry sent letters by creatures that are half mouse, half owl and answer to the name of "Pig". See you in detention tomorrow.
With love,
Your Favorite Potions Master
Examun
To whom it may concern:
If all goes well, I might be writing my own advice column, one where I will be insulting and making fun of people as yours does. Do you have any advice?
(Really)Signed,"Dear Kit"
Scapegrace
Dear Kit,
By all means, start your own advice column.I think everyone who reads the Quibbler should have their own advice column. Then we'd all be doing our own things with no one left to send in their inane letters. (Good luck!) and get stuffed.
Prof. Snape
The only advice column you need turn to.
Dear Professor,
My husband is currently being held (mistakenly so) by the azkaban prison staff. Would you like to come over and have a delicious home-cooked meal? (By our new house-elf staff, of course). I could sure use the company.
Sincerely,
Mrs. M.
Nymph
hmm err 'Mrs M' will you just leave me alone....I'm not interested......what are the house elves making?......no i can't eat with you........well maybe if its colliflower cheese........see you in 5 mins
Dear Severus
I wanted to know whether you think the long bleached hair look is still 'in'. i value your style tips greatly
L.M.
swimchamp
No greasy long black hair is in
-Snape
How do you write jokes? I can't so help me!
RW
Scapegrace
Mr. Weasley,
You have no sense of good taste and therefore cannot have a good sense of humor either. I suggest you go and study for your double potions class coming up tomorrow. You'll find your outlook on life will become that much more miserable if you do not! Now, be gone with you!
Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
You left your black scarf over at my house tonight, you silly. Are you looking for an excuse to come back and retrieve it? (You really don't need one, you know).
By the way, why is your scarf all black and not a slytherin scarf?
Mrs. M
Stacy
Dear Mrs. M.,
My scarf is all black rather than Slytherin colors because I am no longer a schoolboy in a little uniform. Of course, I can be if that is what turns you on. See you at nine.
Severus
Dear Professor Snape
I go to a wizarding school that is not Hogwarts and I am taught by a Potions master who is not you. I was wondering what would be the best way to break into the supplies of this Potions master who is definitely not you. Any tips?
C.C. PS Where will you be at nine tonight?
SlytherinGirl
It dosen't matter how you break in just make sure you bring Potter with you. And I'll be catching a couple of thieves at 9:00.
PS. I'll see you both in detention.
Dear Prof. Snape,
I would like to join the Order of the Phoenix. Where do I go?
Sincerely,
L. D.
Sexy Sadie
To join the Order of the Phoenix, please head to the village of Little Hangington and look for the "Riddle House" there you will meet several people who will only be glad to help you in your goal.
Good Luck
Dear Professor Snape,
What do you do when you have a crush on someone who will never be able to return your affections?
Signed,
Someone
Kat Delacour
Dear Someone,
You stop leaving insipid little love notes under their door, asking them for advice, and turning up in their dungeon naked. See you in detention
Severus Snape
------
Dearest Snuggie-Poo,
It's mother again!
Since you're coming over to visit this Sunday I've prepared your room. I've put on your favourite "Martin Miggs" doona cover, and your darling little "Thomas the Tank Engine" jammies are all warmed up over the heater. Be a good boy, and remember Mummy loves you and all those little boys who call you "Greasey Slimey Pants" are just jealous.
Love, Mummy
Sexy sadie
What!
Who are you strange-woman-who-I've-never-seen-before-in-my-life-and-it's-only-a-coincidence-that-we-look-alike? Leave me alone and stop writing me!
P.S. Can we have marshmallows in the cocoa?
Dear Severus,
Hi. It's Henrias. Bad news. Erinque died. Thought you ought to know.
Sorry.
Kit-wood
Dear Henrias,
Do you think I care, how sad that you do, not!
Dear Professor Snape,
How do you make a love potion? Because I am quite pretty but no one will ask me out what do I do?
From,
very Puzzled
Sexy sadie
Dear 'puzzled'
You cannot always rely on Love Potions to make someone love you. That's what the Imperius Curse is for.
Get caught,
Snape
Dear Snape,
Why won't he call?
Signed,
Sarah
Scapegrace
Sarah,
The reason he won't call is neither my business nor my concern. Instead of waiting for HIM to call on you, perhaps YOU should make the first move.(This IS the 21st century, I believe.
Women are no longer considered "brazen" to ask the fellow for a date.) Just ask Mrs. M. from above. Why, we had a delightful dinner of cheesed cauliflower followed by a rousing game of Monopoly.(I ultimately won by controlling all four railroads and utilities AND including Boardwalk and Park Place!)
Now go out and make a call on that troll you pine for!
Professor Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
Could you please suggest a potion to remove a kind of fungus I seem to be growing between my toes.(Non-magic potion,that is).
Filch
2siriusBlack
Dear Flich,
Since you need to realize how useless you are old man! It is called elbow grease. Don't come alone to my office again. Or I will show no mercy on you stupid git!
Sincerly, Severus Snape
Ps.-Can you the bloody celing in my office stop leaking?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snape,
I am in love with some famous guy. How do I get his attention?
From,G. Weasley
Scapegrace
Miss Weasley,
I believe you asked a very similar question as my very first question in this Quibbler rag. Apparently, my advice did not work for you. Very well then. I suggest you give up and go join a troll colony. You should fit right in.
P. Snape
(fear me. hate me. I don't give a rat's giblet)
Snape,
Terribly sorry to bother you, old chap. I seem to have some goblins after me. Claim I owe them some money or something. Mind if I duck into your potions storage room for a bit? Tell you what, I'll even tidy up the place for you while I hide out!
Bagman
Examun
Of course I'll let you stay there. By all means, when have I ever let a fellow human being down when he needs my help?
Just one question: How much of a reward are the goblins offereing for you anyway?
Dear Professor Snape,
My brother and I are having arguements over car payments. It's his car but because I suggested he buy it and occasionally borrow it with his permission (and pay to refill his gas after I use it) he expects me to help him with the payments. How should I deal with this?
Signed,
Luchia
Swimchamp
How about you and him take a forgetfulness potion so you will stop bothering me and you will forget about the bills.
Snape
People call me a geek what should I do?
LL
Kimberleykay
I won't help you as you are a geek, you remind me of Hermione Granger the know it all, do not bother me again. Unless you have a real problem.
My other teacher in school don't like me can you help me to be more popular around school and of course the teachers
Stacy
Dear nobody-likes-you,
I would give you some helpful advice if it weren't for one small problem. I don't like you.
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape
I am considering applying for the Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Any tips on how to get the job? Does Dumbledore have a favorite brand of firewhiskey?
MF
Swimchamp
No but he really likes... hey I am applying for that job! Why would I tell you?
-Snape
I have to make a potion for one of my classes what do you put in Love potions?
NL
Stschoey
Garlic, loads of it.
-Snape
Hi,
You are getting this mail to remind you to get out and show your support for the various muggles trying to get political positions. Please vote for Wanabe Jercos.
Thank you.
Sita128
Dear Wanabe Jercos
I most definatly will not be voting for you or any Muggle for that matter. Everyone knows that Muggles are stupid and not fit for politics.
from Snape.
Dear snapy-poo,
I have been admiring you for quite sometime. I think you are sooo HOT. Please marry me.
from you sceret admirer
Azul
Dear Lady w/ sideburns,
I know who you are, and you are NOT a very secret admirer. Your eyes when you look at me make it compeletly obvoius. However, i think it best for you to know that you are severely under me, and i would appreciate if you never bothered me again. Go find a bratty boy with long hair named Draco Malfoy, i'm sure you will take a nice liking to him. Now begone before i deduct points from your house!
- Severus Snape
Dear Snape,
What is the best jinx you would suggest for someone you wanted to knock out of action for a quidditch game? I want to stop the Gryffindors from playing, but i don't know what jinx to hex them with. Any ideas what could put them out of action?
- Bletchley, Your Slytherin Keeper
Scapegrace
Why Bletchley,
You know very well that I cannot give suggestions to one of my own house in how to better an opponent on the quiddich playing field.That would be cheating,now,wouldn't it? Now, hadn't you come to see me about those extra credit points you wished to earn for Potions? I do believe I have some extra work for you. Come see me in my office and bring that quiddich broom of yours. I know a particular spell for it that should do the trick. Ahem, I mean my office could use some sweeping up while your potion is heating.
Potions Prof. Snape
Dear Severus,
Why haven't you come to visit me in Azkaban yet? I thought you were one of my dearest friends. How's my wife and son? I understand you paid a visit to my dear Narcissa. Is she looking well? Are you making sure Draco passes his tests? Please drop me a line. I'm so lonely here.
Your Best Bud,
Lucius
Stacy
Dear Lucius,
As I am planning your escape, I can hardly afford to be seen at Azkaban, can I? Very suspicious, it would be. You will be glad to hear that I am making sure that your family is safe and contented. In fact, Narcissa is getting everything she asks for.
Your oldest and most loyal friend,
Severus Snape
Deer Profesoar Snappe,
Is der a poshion dat will teech me to reed and rite?
Goyle
Kat Delacour
Goyle,
Any bottle labeled "arsenic", "aconite", "ammonium nitrate" and "phenaclor" will cure your problem (and mine) immediately.
Severus Snape
---
Dear Snape
I have a slight problem ... I just spilled a bottle of ink over Prof. Snaaa---Sinistra's robes while erm, borrowing some Slytherin robes from the laundry. What should I use to remove the stain?
HG
Stacy
Dear HG,
That's an easy problem to solve. Just spill ink over all of your robes. Order will be restored to the world and all will become clean.
Professor Snape
PS Those better not be my sexy new robes from Narciss.. er, my mother.
Dear Professor Snape,
Is it possible for a Gryffindor to break into the Slytherin common room?
KB
StsChoey
KB,
No. I don't think any are smart enough to figure it out.
-Snape
Hi,
I am ... um ... a first year....And I was...you know...um...wondering....if you could....help me out...um...after class...or something...so...um....I could...catch up ...um...with all of the other...um...kids...in the class...um...I have had to go to the hospital... um...wing multiple times this year.... Please?
-Schoey
Scapegrace
Oh, you don't fool me, Mr. Potter! Why I can't even count the number of times you've faked illness and injury in order to get out of classes! I assure you, you're not going to get extra time to do any of MY assignments while you lolly-gag your days away in the sick ward!!!
You'd better start studying!
Prof. Snape.
Prof. Snape
Sorry to bother you, sir. B-b-but, I can't finish my Charms lessons without a wand.(Mine is broken now). What do you suggest I do?
Nev. L.
Godfather
Oh honey...dont worry..just borrrow mine
-Snape
Snape Darling...Run away with me! I love your heart so much..please run away with me now!
Scapegrace
Oh, dear God, not that side-burned woman again. I'm warning you. I'll forward your letters to Filch! Now away with your hairy face!
S.S.
Dear Prof. Snape,
My boyfriend has been bitten by a werewolf. He denies it but the signs are all there. He's begun eating Purina dog-chow, he carries dog biscuits in his robes for a "quick snack" and he howls whenever we....enjoy the moonlight. what should I do?!
Allergic to canines
Blondedragon07
your boyfriend has not only been bitten by a werewolf, but has also apperently been bitten by a rabid dog of some sort, as werewolves dont eat purina dog chow (they eat iams! hehe! jk!)! so, firstly, get him a rabies shot, then dump him. sorry toots, love hurts.
yours truly,
slimy snape
im a dementor, but unlike my fellow azkaban guards, i enjoy sunlight, teddy bears, and i long to be in a more friendly place. however, to put it simply, im not exactly 'socially exceptable.' how can i get people to look past the cold, terrible feeling that comes over them whenever im near, my grotesque smell, clammy hands, and soul sucking mouth, and have them accept me for who i am on the inside?
i have an idea! you can be my friend! yay! i have friends!
sincerely,
the socially unacceptable
Nymph
hmmm a tricky one this......
maybe you could cast a spell on your teddy to make it talk to you?! ahem. Or why not just take off that hideous cloak and hood thing and put something a bit more 'normal' on. Then maybe you could see a stylist about your skin and face. Just make sure you do it in winter so that the stylist doesnt notice the cold. Now, one last thing. I will not be your friend EVER. I do not have friends nor do i wish for people to see me as their friend. Right. Thank you.
Severus
You have you robes tucked into your undies
Eyes Averted
Azul
Eyes Averted,
What are you doing looking in that direction? 10 points from whatever house u may be in and detention *takes his robes out of his undies* Now begone before i make it a week of detentions!
- The Ungrateful Snape
Dear Severus,
I heard about your bad quidditch accident last week while trying out for Ireland's team. I do hope you're all right. Please let me know if you need anything, I'm here to help.
- You O. Kay
Swimchamp
You mean you heard about that! That is confidential info!
-Snape
Snape would you know how to get rid of flobberworms? They are in my garden and are biting me!
Someone in need!
Blondedradon07
well first of all, you complete ignorant fool, GET OUT OF YOUR GARDEN! and then feed mr. potter to them *laughs evil laugh*!
stupidly,
snivullus
dear someone,
i am to attend hogwarts this upcoming term for the first time. my parents are non-magic people, see? and im very scared! tell me, professor, what will it be like there? i do believe il be ok if there arent any ugly professors with greasy black hair, sallow skin, and an ugly, greasy, hooked nose. that sort of thing gives me nightmares.
signed,
the scaredy cat
swimchamp
Of corse there aren't any but there are headmasters with grey hair.
I have a problem. I can't draw and i have to for a extra credit project!
Scapegrace
Once again Potter, or is it Weasley this time?, I am not fooled by your "bogus" letter. Fifty points from Griffindore! Now both of you, go give yourselves "swirlies" in Moaning Myrtles toilet!
S.S.
Dear Prof. Snape,
I am a substitute teacher looking for full-time employment. Dumbledore has promised me time and again that I am next on his list for a full-time position as soon as one opens up. Do you see yourself as leaving this school sometime soon? Perhaps some old friends have resurfaced and need your constant attention, devotion, and grovelling.
I could sure use the work! The kids just love me. I could replace you in a second. Here's the address to the unemployment line. They know me very well there. I'll put in a good word for you.
Sincerely,
Prof. Grubbly-Plank
Owlmuse
dear ..........
my advice is take to aspirin and call a psychologist in the morning.
Dear snape,
i have a tooth ache. no matter how many chocolate frogs i stick up my nose it doesn't seem to go away. what should i do?
- Befuddled with frogs
Scapegrace
Strange Frogman,
Clearly the chocolate frogs have damaged your brain (what little there is of it). I suggest you take a quick run off a very short pier into the lake out back. The merpeople will know what to do with you.
P.Snape
Prof. Snape
He's coming back! I told you! I warned you! *Ouch, my arm, it hurts!* I've had to abandon my position at Durmstrang. *Ow!* Could you please stop over there and pick up my things? I did have to leave in such a hurry. *OUCH!* Drop off the things in the post at this address...
Former Headmaster of Durmstrang
Romanian Hidden Forest
Third rotton log on the left
I do appreciate it.
Remember, us buddies always help each other out!
Kark-in-Hiding
Stacy
Dear old friend,
I've moved your belongings to a safer location. Here's a map that will tell you how to reach the Riddle house. Safe journeys.
Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Are you having an affair with my mum? When my father hears about this, you'll wish you'd never been born, you nasty Dumbledore fan! Just wait until he gets out of Azkaban!
Draco Malfoy
StsChoey
Mr. Potter,
I don't like the tone that you are using. 50 points from Gryfendor (sp?).Is this actually Draco? There is no truth to it. 50 points to Slytherin for being inventive.
-Snape.
Professor,
Um...I am not Mr. Potter...but I am a first year....I am a ravenclaw... and a raven...is um...black....Like a black snake...Not Black...as in a dog..yeh...um...Anyways...I really do...um...need the help...with all the class...um...time I am missing....I was recently blown to a billion bits...and...I um....am still recovering....Could I get some help?...Please?....-Schoey
Scapegrace
Young Mr. Malfoy,
Rumors,rumors,rumors. Don't you believe any of it! I merely stop by now and then to check on your mother as she is all alone there in your mansion with no male around to protect and ...provide for her. Why, just last week we enjoyed an exciting game of Risk! (There's a new version out now with the Lord of the Rings theme, didn't you know?). By the way, I conquered all!
Prof. Snape (but you may call me daddy)
(Sorry,Schoey, I posted after you. Oops!
Dear Professor,
I need an anti-dote to a love potion. My husband thinks he's in love with our owl Errol. Please, send me the ingredients quick!
Frantic,
Mrs. W.
Dusty
Dear schoey
you will not recieve any help from the Head OF Slytherin, go to the head of your own house and ask.
Dear Mrs. W
Here is the ingredients.
1 eye of a newt
23 skins of a gecko
15 ounces of your own essance
20 scales of a dragon (your son should send them to you.)
1 feather of your owl.
blend for about three days and add more of your own essance on the second day to make it more potent and if that dont work dont come to me for help. since you are obivously more stupid than your son
Dear Snape
I have a friend that hasn't e-mailed me nor as he been home to e-mail me. every time I try to call he is either not home or the phone is busy. Is he ignoring me for the time being? if so then why?
In Love with Close Friend
Owlmuse
Lovey friend,
obviously you need to get it though your thick skull that you are not friends with this person. you are stalking this person and they don't like you. so right now i would like you to pick up the closest object to you and strick yourself firmly on your forhead. did that hurt? no? then you didn't hit yourself hard enough. try the more pointed side of the object and strick your head until you realize that i don't care that you can't stalk this person.-
P.S.
Dear P.S.
i have this intty bitty obession with collecting bertie blotts every flavor beans. there is no longer any room in my cupboard or my bed room. i don't know what to do with them. i can't through them out or give them away. i don't want to leave them. i love my beans.-
bean lover
Dusty
Dear Bean lover
Have you thought that you might want to make sure that each one is a different flavor? that might clear up your obsession.
Dear Snape
I really love this guy yet I cant tell him cause of how close we are. I don't want to ruin the relationship I have but right now we cant even talk about relationship issues because of a uncomfortable silence that happens
sincerely
silent friend
Swimchamp
I wouldn't answer you questions if you made me! I would rather eat ants.
-Snape
I am married yet have affections for another person what should I do?-
Romeo
Scapegrace
Romeo,
You know, I've had problems like this myself. Oh, I know it's safe for the time being, (as long as those Azkaban guards stick around), however, I'm thinking about the future lately and where will it all end. I must admit, I DO feel a bit guilty, but we Snape's never really care too much about others, and so that feeling passes quickly. But I digress. I suggest you ask yourself,do I really love this other person or is it merely a passing fancy that is doomed to fail. I'm sorry I can't be more of a help but as you can see, I seem to be in the same boat.
S.S.(I hope she serves that cheese cauliflower again).
Snape,
Come out of your office, grab your "mad-money" and let's go shopping!
Hootch
Chrisellesy
Hootch,
Yay! Let's go! We'll have soooo much fun! NOT.
Go away and pesk Hagrid to go with you on a date.
Snape
Professor,
What is it about Pixie dust that makes it magical?
Stupid
Swimchamp
It tastes like pixie sticks.
-Snape
I need help because my brain is collapsing at the moment what should I do?
-Somebody in need
Scapegrace
Needy Someone,
I suggest you allow your brain to implode. Let nature take it's course. Survival of the fittest and all that. It's really the only thing you can do now. Surrender to the void.
Prof. Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Why haven't they put your beautiful, handsome face on any Chocolate Frog cards? I would buy them by the dozen just to get a glimpse of you sneering back at me.
Love and Kisses,
Bellatrix B.
Swimchamp
I'm on the waiting list to have a photo shooting for it
Loves,
Snape
I am writing a book and don't know what to write about what do you suggest? I'd do anything you say!
-Writer
Scapegrace
Writer,
I suggest you write about something you know nothing about. Then you'll never know just how terribly awful your story is.
Prof. Snape
Dear Professor,
How do I safely remove centaur hoof-marks imprinted on my, um,backside? It's difficult to use my own wand on myself ,as you can imagine. I was thinking of trying some sort of potion. I immediately thought of you. (What is it now, dear, 15 long years?) Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Anyway, I'll be waiting to hear from you. And you will certainly be hearing from ME if I don't hear from you.
D.U.
Calvinandhobbes
dear D.U.,
why don't you go ask cornelius for help? I know how close you two are.
~snape~
snape,
what do i do about this boy that makes me cry every time i see him. he is an insensitive jerk but he loves me and i might love him but i don't know because i might betray what me and cedric had but i feel happy when i am around him also! what do i do?
~cho~
dusty
dear Cho.
You should try to go out with him. you will always remember Cedric. I went through the same thing. many times. People tried to make me forget a good friend of mine who died but no one ever could. but i got on with my life and I suggest you do the same. Dustin im so sorry i dont know if i will visit your crash site soon or not.
Snape
Dear Snape.
I like this boy and he just called and we are getting together soon and i am not sure what to wear could you please help.
clothes bother
Sexy Sadie
No.
Now go away.
Dear Snape,
You're rude!
Signed,
Politeness
Chrisellesy
Dear Writer,
You're polite.
Signed,
Rude
Dearest Professor,
Why did they ask you to take the advice column?
Anonymous
MiztrezPadfoot
Anonymous,
10 points from whatever house you are in. Isn't it obvious why I have this collumn? Is it my charm? My intellect? My Embrace? My kiss? I am wise beyond my years and I am the most experienced Potions Master around. I want a full apology and I want you to stop asking me pointless questions.
I'm just doing this for the extra cash,
Bored To Death
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Professor,
I have a huge crush on a certain sexy greasy hair professor how do I get him under my spell? If you know what I mean.....
Signed,
Dazed and Confused
Bellatrix Lestrange
Dazed and Confused,
If you're saying what I think you're saying, you'll be pleased to know that that's an arrestable offense. Putting poor men under the influence of the Imperius Curse will send you straight to Azkaban!Until next time, keep sending me questions and I will continue to insult you
---ACK I mean answer them.
Severus Snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Severus,
How do you get your hair to look like you swam in a tank of gasoline? I think it is very hideous and it would scare everyone for Halloween.
Bellatrix
(imperius curse...riiiiight)
Scapegrace
Bellatrix, my dear,
Just a few letters ago you thought I was a handsome poster- boy for the chocolate frog company. Therefore, I know this letter is a fake. Most likely produced by those idiot twins (good riddence,I say to THEM). I hope you two fail at your new business and thus learn the value of a good education! I certainly won't be stopping at your new shop!(Unless, of course, you have those delicious blood-pops I seem to crave.) Ahem, go spend your time filling out forms at the unemployment office. Drop-Outs!
Prof. Snape
Dear Severus,
The time is soon at hand. I've taken over Durmstrang as was planned. There's a room waiting for you here too. Just as soon as you finish off that doddering twit. You may proceed with things. I'm getting Lucious out tonight.See You Soon,
All the best,
Supreme Darklord V.
calvinandhobbes
dearest darklord v.,
Is my room in the dungeons? If not, I prefer to stay HERE with that doddering twit. I really don't like the dark so you may need to put in a nite-lite.
Regards,
S. Snape
Dear Sssssssanpe,
Why musssst you leave my masssssssster. He really wants you to rejoin him on the dark ssssssside. Plussss, I can't sssstand the way Wormtail milksssssss me. You are ssssso much gentler.
Nagini --~~~~~:-
Lexy
Dear Nagani
I wish to kiss you like wormtail. but dumbeldore's got his guard on me.
Queen of Magic
Dear Snvevelly
I am in love with Draco Malfoy, how do i get him to notice me?
Owlmuse
Dear Draco lover,
why don't you try dressing like hermione and jumping into one of those fan fic's that beleive they belong together. or you can simply go to his house, jump on one foot, swing a cat over you head cover your face in purple paint and cluck like a chicken.
Dear p.s.
my eyes have become glued to my computer. they won't come off!! i need to go to the store to buy a new remebrall so i can remeber how to become unglued. i'm locked in a room with no windows and the door is lock and i have the only key. (oops) what do i do?
Scapegrace
What is a comp-you-tore? I haven't a clue?
S.S.
Dear Prof. Snape,
Will you please stop stealing the toffies off my desk? Peeves tells me you're using them in potions class for poisoning practice.
Prof. McGonnagal
Sexy Sadie
Professor McGonagal! You would trust Peeves over me! I would never put the students in direct danger and certainly not steal your toffees.
Would you care for a caramel?
Dear Prof Snape,
My boyfriend, Yukio, is acting very weird. He continues to jump behind objects and scream "My Mistress will find and kill me!" On top of that, he nearly broke my friend's arm with a weird ninja move. He does love me and says he left his job for me, but now he gets worried about everything. I also found a piece of paper in his laundry reading "O great Kat, have mercy!"What should i do?
Signed,Sadie
Kimberleykay
It seems to me Sadie, that you have no control over your boyfriend. Someone has put a curse on him. If you are any good at curses, something I very much doubt. Put a curse on him to get him back, a potion would be better but you are bottom of my class for that.
Don't bother me again with your pathetic life I have better things to do. ( now where is Potter I have a nice toffee for him)
Dear Snape
I have found this toffee and I gave it to a friend HP he is now foaming at the mouth and having a fit.
yours HG
Scapegrace
Dear Professor Snape,
Why is it that outwardly you seem to hate Harry P., yet you always seem to appear out of nowhere to help him when he needs it? Are you some kind of double-agent or something? My father would be VERY interested in knowing that!
The Drakester
Redjewelzs
Miss Granger
, Oh I wouldn't worry about that behavior coming from your friend. I'm sure he's acted just as odd on other occasions as well. Just ignore him and let the potion....ah, I mean, let the brat finish out his attention-getting scheme. If we all pretend he isn't there, perhaps he really WILL go away.....FOREVER!Heh.Heh..Heh.....
Master of Potions(and proud of it!)
H.Potter and R. Weasley
Stacy
My dear idiots,
You both seem very confident that you won't have Potions with me in your sixth year so you can taunt me as you wish. I do make some exceptions and do allow the occasional inferior student into my NEWT classes. See you in class.
Professor Snape
Wiser than all at Hogwarts
Dear Professor Snape,
Will you buy some Girl Scout cookies from me?
An unsuspecting 10-year-old
Scapegrace
Hmmm,girl scout cookies, eh? Why those are much more tempting than those hideous toffee sweets McGonnagal has (or HAD,heh heh) on her desk. Why yes, I'd be glad to buy some.I'll take a case of those delicious-to-unsuspecting-first-years-cookies. Now, where did I put my poison-potion ingredients?.....
P. Snape
Dear Prof. Snape
It has been reported to me that you might be plotting a take-over of Hogwarts. I hope this is all part of your undercover work and had no validity to it. sincerely,
Albus D.
Calvinandhobbes
Me? Take over HOGWARTS Who or what gave you that idea? By the way, do you like toffies?
Severus Snape
My Truest Love,
Roses are Red,Violets are Blue,Will you kiss me?I want you to!
Professer Gilderoy Lockhart xoxoxo
Sexy Sadie
What the hell kind of Healing Potions are they giving you? Go look into a mirror, man. That should keep you entertained for hours.
Dear Snape,
I see dead people.
...How can I profit from this?
Signed,
Cole.
Swimchamp
You should see if they are caught on film if they are beg people to buy the pictures and say it's a good luck charm.
-Snape
I have grey hair and I want a sexy color. What color should I dye it? -Your Blonde Admiror
Sexy Sadie
Professor McGonagall,
you can do this without my help. Good luck professor.
Dear Snape,
I can't find Yukio! He's missing and I've searched everywhere! I CAN'T FIND HIM!!!
Sadie
Swimchamp
Um... You think I know who Yukio is well that is just a test on your part.
I can't ever seem to have a quill with me I don't know where mine is now! What do you suggest?
-Neville
Sexy Sadie
Use a pencil. Or a pen. Or ANYTHING else!
I think Umbridge left some of her quills here...
Dear Snape,
Huh? Write properly man!
Sadie
Bellatrix LeStrange
Oh, don't worry! I have a bottle of Professor Baldy's---ACK I mean Professor Waldy's Hair Solution. It will read your mind and dye your hair the opposite ofcolor you want it if it doesn't sizzle it off first! Good luck being bald---I mean, um, colorful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snapey-Poo,
Here's a complimentary box of toffees for you, out of appreciation for your column! Please, try them and tell us what you think!
Fred and George
Handy Andy's Candies
Swimchamp
I wouldn't try them if you dared me. I would rather have one of Zardi's cookies.
Snape
I am in trouble for letting my dog pee on the ground. Should I sneak out of my room?
-DT
Scapegrace
(Hey guys,I'll fix it up.You're all so funny!)
DT,
Don't worry about the pee-stain.Just cover it up by pouring a mixture of acid and bleach. Come see me in my office. I was just mixing up a batch for these delicious mint scout cookies!
P.Snape
Dear Snape,
I'm half human and half leprechaun. I teach here at hogwarts. I'm interested in finding true love. Can you suggest someplace to meet chicks of my kind?
P.F.
calvinhobbes
Professer Filtwick,
I suggest you meet with umbridge. I know how much she loves half humans.
Snape
Hey Sexy,
Why don't you meet me at the end of the Hogsmede road tonight. I need company. Bring lots of food. I will be in the shape of a BIG,BLACK,DOG!!!! Hahahaha i fooled ya! I bet you thought this was an actual love letter. Since I have alot of free time at number 12, i have time to do lots of prank letters!
Siriusly yours,
Sirius
p.s. I love you Snivily
Sita128
To Sirius
Dumbledore is right to keep you locked away in that house, if writing me stupid letters is your idea of fun.Say hello to Kreacher for me.
From Snape.
Dear Professor Snape,
I have problems with my memory and I can't remeber why I wrote you. Can you help?
Confussed
Sexy sadie
You're name is Mildred McGillicuttie and you are the daughter/son of Giants. Go find them Mildred! They're in the mountains and they're calling for you! Go find them!!!
There, now he's gone, the annoying little prat.
Dear Professor Snape,
Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?
Signed,
Molly the Daisy Girl Scout
QueenoftheJungle
Dear Molly the Daisy Girl Scout,
NO!!
I do NOT want your Girl Scput Cookies, their mere presence- no, existence- offends me. Now leave, and never return.
Signed,
Snape.
Dear Prof. Snape,
I'm in love with a certain greasy, black haired proffessor, but he doesn't even know I exist. what do you suggest I do??
signed,
Love Lorn and Forlorn.
Scapegrace
L. L. & F.,
I am forwarding you letter to my fellow slytherin Filch. You will find he is just as greasy-haired as I am. (Though certainly not my intellectual equal!) At any rate, I'm sure you and he will get along famously.(You may name your first born in my honor.)
Professor Snape.
Dear Professor Snape,
There's a French girl here at Gringotts that I kinda like only it's hard to communicate with her sometimes. How do I get across to her how much I like her and want to go out with her?
Bill
Swimchamp
Walk up to her and start pulling her towards you while kissing her neck then scream as loud as you can in her ear "I LOVE YOU!"
-Snape
I have a paper due in transfiguration and I don't know what I should make it on.
-Forgetful fiend
Scapegrace
F.F.,
Instead of WRITING a paper, why don't you transfigure the paper INTO something such as a swarm of locusts? McGonnagal will be thrilled. She's always been so easy to impress.(Besides the fact that I'd love to see her dodging all those locusts). Heh, heh.
S.S.
Professor Snape,
My father wants you to start giving out fair grades to me and all the other Ravenclaws or else he's not going to let you continue writing this advice column for our Quibbler newspaper. I can't wait to finally get a good grade in Potions!
L.L.
Bellatrix LeStrange
My dear Loony,
My grades are perfectly fair! If you are good in potions, you ace it. It just *happens* that my favorite students *happen* to always ace potions! How is that not fair?
Would you and your father like a Thin Mint cookie?
Yours always never,
Severus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snapey-Poo,
My best friend is a Muggle, and she keeps talking about 'kom-pew-ters' and the 'winter-net'. I think that she may have found a way to use spiders to control the colder months! What do I do!?
-Rasberri Dursley
Scapegrace
R.D.,
1). I am NOT "Snapey Poo"!
2). I suggest you dump your friend. She sounds a bit "Weaslyish" to me. Why are they so fascinated with the Muggle world I'll never know.
Master of Potions and Advice
Dear Snape,
Does the grease from your hair stain the backs of all the chairs, sofas, and pillows in you home?
F.W.
JenEllzy
Dear Fred,
Your mother would know!
Your Potions Master,
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
My grandmother says you should be nicer to me.
N. Longbottom
Sexy sadie
And you're grandmother says you're special too.Dear Snape,I think I may be living on a Hellmouth. What do you suggest?
Signed,Johnathan L.
Themushygod
Dear sexy sadie
I suggest you throw yourself in and spare us your rediculous questions.
Prof S.Snape
Dear Snapey poo
I think you have the most Precious nose
Love looney with a wand
Sexy Sadie
Thank you. Now stop writing me you useless little quack.
Dear Snape,
Do you like Buffy?
Signed, Sadie
Scapegrace
Sexy Sadie,
Like her? Yes, but we're just good friends.
P. Snape
Dear Snape,
I think something from the Forbidden Forest is coming out and attacking my cats at night. What should I do?
P. McG
Sexy Sadie
Have your cats tell Remus that they should just be 'friends.'
Dear Snape,
I am so utterly bored it's not even funny.
Redjewelzs
Go dip your head in some acid, that should liven your social life up. Then I suggest you meet up with a friend of mine, his name is Remus Lupin, and he's waiting at the edge of the Forbidden Forest for you. Oh, have you noticed how beautiful the full moon is tonight? Have fun on your date, you snivelling idiot.
Severus Snape, Master of Disaster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey Greasy Git,
I hope you're joking about that being in your Potions class sixth year, because we will FIGHT just to make sure we don't have to spend another two years staring aimlessly at your snarky nose. Go get lost in the Forbidden Forest or something, and maybe Professor Lupin might just be there waiting for you. You remember Professor Lupin, the BEST Defense against the Dark Arts teacher we've EVER had. Maybe if you weren't a complete ass you could one day get the job, you hideous monstrosity. Get a life, or at least get a woman, and get off our bloody cases!
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger
P.S.: I had nothing to do with this, Professor Snape, it was only Harry and Ron. You're a good teacher, sir, and I hope to be in your potions class my sixth year.
H. Granger
Mandyfsce
Yes Longbottom, I think that I have. Yes, now I remember I fed him to the Giant Squid a few moments ago. Oh, and 50 points from Gryffindor for crying so loudly.
Dear Snivellis
Why are you so mean to Harry Potter?
Sincerely,
Harry Potter wait.....Yo' mama*he he he*
Lisa Turpin
Potter,
If Gryffindor had any more points to take away, I would do so. Quit wasting my time. This is your last warning.
Potions Master Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
Have you ever washed your hair in your life?
Harry
Scapegrace
My hair again?
(sigh) Why is it always that people are obsessed with my hair? I'm a genius! What matters is my great intellect! Not my outer, false-front-to-fool-the-little-kiddies-that-I'm-a-baddie appearance. Wake up, and read the books over again if you have to!
Prof. Snape
Dear Prof.Snape,
Please make Crabbe and Goyle stop following me. I want to take Pansy on a walk to....study plants for Herbology but we can never get alone. Do something!
Draco
Redjewel Z S
MISTER Malfoy,
I would advise you to tell your two cronies to find a mate of their own, hopefully NOT each other, god knows I would never heat the end of it from their fathers. As for Ms. Parkinson, shall I suggest a place a bit secluded, like the Shrieking Shack? Oh, don't worry about the rumors, it's hardly haunted, and I can assure you has been uninhabited for years. Now leave your angst-ridden problems away from me and ask Professor Trelawney, she seems rather fond of helping the students in the matter of crushes and so forth.
Now Scandalized Professor Severus Snape, Master of the Universe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Look here Snivellus!
We are NOT going to die in the series, NONE OF US! Me, Ron, and Hermione are going to be fine, and we'll go off and become Aurors and fall in love (although I think Ron and Hermione already have~~ Sorry, Professor Snape, but Harry's is a bit disposed right now, as Ron his holding him tightly in a head-lock, good dear he's turning red now... but I do think Harry's right, and we won't die because we are strong and have the protection of so many Order members, like yourself and Professor Dumbledore. So please help us become the best Aurors we can be and`~~~ ah, much better, Harry should be conscious sooner or later and Hermione's watching him anyway, and SHUT UP, YOU GREASY GIT! Go wash your hair, Snivellus! I'm glad Sirius made you look like the idiot you truly are!
GET A BLOODY LIFE ALREADY, YOU SNARKY~~~
I think we're done now, thank you for your time, sir. I speak for Ron and Harry as well as myself when I say you are a great teacher and hope can help us in our Advanced Potions class.
Sincerely,
Hermione Granger
Harry Potter
Ron Weasley
Stacy
Dear Mr. Weasley,
Mr Potter and Miss Granger were kissing in the courtyard, earlier.
Dear Mr. Potter,
Mr. Weasley told Mr. Malfoy that you wear Spiderman undies.
Dear Miss Granger,
Mr Potter and Mr Weasley don't really like you, you silly little know-it-all. Befriending you is just easier than doing their own homework.
Professor Snape
Now go kill each other. . .er, I mean apologize to each other, children.
Dear Professor Snape,
Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Pansy Parkinson
Swimchamp
Of course! I'm not some poor person like you!-
Snape
Snape
I'm kinda in love with my best friend and I'm afraid they don't like me.
Ron
Scapegrace
Yes, yes, Mr. Weasley,
We know all about you and Mr. Potter. It's best to have these things out in the open anyhow. Now, don't you feel better? (Really! As if this were "news" to us. It's all the Slitherins talk of in our commonroom. Duh!).
Professor of Potions and Dreams
Professor Snape,
Where do babies come from?
C. C.
Calvinandhobbes
Go ask dumbledore. HE would know. one word : MEOW
s.
~Snape~
Yesterday afternoon my child came home for the holidays crying. Why couldn't you have just bought some of the girl scout cookies? I will have to tell the Dark Lord about this.
L. Malfoy
Scapegrace
Mr. Malfoy,
Just what kind of prison food are they giving you?! As a matter of fact, I DID purchase a case of mint cookies to test some of my potions.....that is, to hand out to new 1st years. Please do visit some of my earlier post when you have time. Oh, that's right. You seem to have all the time in the world now. (Heh, heh).
(Oh, by the way, Narcissa says, "Hi!").
All the Best,
Severus
P.S. I'll send off a couple of mint cookies to you straight away!
Dear Professor Snape,
I can't seem to rid my garden of these pesky gnomes. What do you suggest?
M.W.
Mandyface
Quit wasting my time! 50 points from whatever house you're in and detention for a month!
Dear Sevvy Poo-
Why don't you love me?
Sincerely,
Minerva McGon...
Yo' mama
*he he he*
Redjewel z s
Sigh, Minerva,
Just for that I'm taking off 50 points from Gryffindor, just because you bothered me, and blame it on Potter or Weasley. Dumbledore won't know the difference, assuming your house has ANY points left.
Severus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEVERUS!
Just for that I'm adding 500 points to Gryffindor! How dare you take advantage of my house, you complete idiot! I should have you maimed for your tomfoolery. Oh yes, and I did need some advice. Longbottom wants to ask how he could get an escort to the Ball for Valentine's and I just haven't got a clue what to tell the boy. What do you suggest, Severus?
Minerva McGonagall
Stacy
Dear Minerva,
I hear that Muggles have invented something they call plastic surgery. It would do wonders for Longbottom.
Professor Snape
The smartest professor at Hogwarts
Dear Professor Snape,
How can I get Draco under mistletoe? Every time I hang some in the common room, Crabbe and Goyle stand under it and I have to pretend I don't notice. Help! Your favorite student,
Pansy Parkinson
Scapegrace
Ah yes, mistletoe... Well Miss P., I suggest you get used to C. and G. being around D. as I believe they are all secretly inter-dependent upon each other and could not possibly function if seperated.
Enjoy your Mysterious Threesome,
Prof. Snape
Dear Snape,
I'm wondering if you might be able to whip up one of your anti-werewolf potions for me. I have a date tonight and I just want to be sure.You know.
Lupin
(I'll give you an IOU).
Sexy Sadie
I would only be too glad to! Here's some, I'll send it by owl. Now, it may not be the same color, or the same texture, and it may not look like its regular potion at ALL, but then, you'd just have to take the chance, won't you?
Heh, heh, heh...
Dear Professor Snape,
Could you put a curse on Lupin for me? Jerk stood me up for our date.
Bianca Rafferty
Scapegrace
My Dear Bianca,
I'm sorry to hear about your being stood up. Did I tell you what a lovely name Bianca is? Have you ever been to the Three Broomsticks? It's a nice respectable establishment and I was just on my way there myself. Perhaps, since you're no longer busy, you'd like to meet me there? I'll save a table in the corner, far away from prying eyes. I hope you like wine. I do enjoy it myself. The redder, the better! Hope to see you there!
Sevvy- Baby
Snape,
Are you going into town tonight? Would you mind picking up my laundry before the shop closes? If not, I'll have nothing to wear for tomorrows Quiddich match.
A. Dumbledore
Swimchamp
Too bad borrow Hermione's coat.
-Snape
Dear Snape,
I don't know how to describe love.
Stacy
Do I look like Lord Byron to you? He was almost as handsome as me but his hair was very overwashed.
If you want someone to philosophize about love with you, find someone who is A. idiotic B. deluded enough to believe someone might actually love them and C. very troubled. Potter ought to do nicely.
5 points from your house for bothering me with stupid questions!
Professor Snape
Secretly in love with Madam Hooch
Dear Professor Snape,
What works better: Herbal Essences or Pantene shampoo? Oh, wait, why am I asking you? You don't wash your hair.
Cho Chang
Swimchamp
Oh I do know though it's Pantene (but if you are a boy) to get your wife to go "Oh ahhh!" It's works and all that junk make them use Herbal Essences.
I need a site that has Harry on it for a report!
-Dean
Stacy
Idiot boy,
What site doesn't have Potter on it, the deluded attention seeking fool? You are hardly stretching my intellectual skills with these moronic questions!
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Want to go to the Hog's Head tonight? There is a great happy hour special on firewhiskey.
Hagrid
Sita128
Dear Hagrid,
Unfortunatly I am unable to attend. Seeing as last time you went to a Happy Hour they had to rebuild the Pub because you destroyed it. Acceidently I'm sure.
From Snape.
To Professor Snape.
How would one go about improving their grades in you class?
From a student
Scapegrace
Student,
Oh, I don't know. How about STUDYING for a change. Think that might help?!
Disgusted as Always,
S. Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
The pictures I took of you for the school paper all seem to be frowning and making rude gestures. Do you think you could let me do some retakes? I promise I'll try to capture you good side. You do have a good side, don't you sir?
Colin Creevey
Sexy Sadie
ACCIO CAMERA!!!(Grabs flying camera) SMASH! SMASH!! And a few STOMP!I'm sorry Creevy, what were you saying?
Dear Snape,
Did you just ask my mother to meet you in the Three Broomsticks for a date?
Sadie(Bianca's daughter)
Scapegrace
Sadie,
Oh my goodness, did I now? Well you know, she was all weepy because that rat Lupin stood her up. I just thought she might need some......comforting.You understand.I'm a very good listener. I see things others might not(or CHOOSE not)to see.Have her meet me over there. We'll have a few laughs(well, all right. I don't really LAUGH at all but you know what I mean)at Lupin's expense.
Prof. Snape
Professor Snape sir,
Please return your unused bacon grease. We need to fry up the potatoes.I think your hair is the proper consistancy now.
Humble Dobby,sir
Sexy Sadie
ARGH! Why must you all make fun of my hair! It is perfect I tell you! PERFECT!!!
Just ask Narcissa. Or Bianca.
Dear Snape,
Thank you for a wonderful time. However it turns out that Remus has a perfectly good reason for being absent. Something about becoming a wolf once a month. You know the speil.
So...how's Tuesday for you?
Signed,
Bianca
Scapegrace
Tuesday?
Well, I suppose. I'll mark it on my calendar. Mind you, if one of these brats causes me to impose a detention, I might have to break the date! Well now. I seem to have nothing to do. I guess I'll head over and get the doddering old boobs robes from the cleaners. It might earn me some brownie points. I can always ask a favor of him later.
Eternal Potions Perfectionist,
Severus Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I'm having difficulty getting rid of a particular nasty boggart who enjoys dressing up as you with a ridiculously large hat and vulture perched on the top. I try to curse it away but I always seem to burst out laughing and cannot fininsh the spell.
Teehee please help! Teehee it's back again!
Prof. Flitwick
Swimchamp
Try pretending it's Harry Potter and that should give you a laugh.
Dear Severus,
I am sorry about your recent break-up with Madam Pompfry. But I am curious to know would you go on a date with me?
Your Lover,
MM
Scapegrace
Dear Madam Maxime,
I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be your lover. Please do not write me letters to that effect any longer.
And as far as madam Pomfrey and I no longer being an item, I believe we explained it all to the staff well enough the first time. I don't need to rehash it all here.
We still remain on friendly terms and it was just unfortunate that that centaur and leprechaun had to get involved.
Please don't bring this subject up any longer as it still is too soon to talk about.(Legal reasons and all).
P.Snape
Hey Snape,
Have you applied for next years Dark Arts class yet? Why do you even bother? Dumbledore's never gonna let you have it. Give up you twisted maniac!
F. and G.
Swimchamp
F&G Yes I have and I will get it because I'll make a potion and he will take it then he will make me!!!!
-Snape
Have you gone on a diet?
-F&G
Sexy Sadie
Why?...Do I look fat?
Dear Sevvie,
Have you been dating another woman? I didn't see it, but I heard that Lucy Parkinton said that Allyssa Goyle overhead Jane Crabbe who heard it from Lucille Notte who said that Helena Zabini said that she saw you with a...a...another woman in the Three Broomsticks?
Have I done something wrong? I thought you cared about me! (begins crying) Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to us?
Narcissa
Swimchamp
Um I didn't know you liked me. Oh well I also thought you were married and you thought we'd get caught.
Have you ever been paintballing?
Scapegrace
Fool, and Geek,
I don't need to go on a diet. These black clothes I wear are so slimming!
Potions Professor
Paintball? What is that, a dance?
Dear Professor,
My child will be starting Hogwarts next fall. What exciting things do you have planned for him? (He's very nervous and I wanted to help alleviate his fears by contacting you now.)
Mrs. Stickywicket
swimchamp
Dear Professor,
My child will be starting Hogwarts next fall. What exciting things do you have planned for him? (He's very nervous and I wanted to help alleviate his fears by contacting you now.)
Mrs. Stickywicket
I have a scaring session so that all his fears will be known to me. Ha ha!
-Snape
I have been wetting the bed since I got out of wearing pull-ups what should stop me from doing it again?
-NL
Sexy sadie
You can alieve your child's fears by informing him that we wait until at least three weeks into his first year before giving him his O.W.L.S.
Tell him to study!
Sincerly,
Professor S. Snape.
Dear Whoever,
No, I do not paintball. Instead, I like to fling hexes at people who send me extremely stupid questions about myself instead of actually begging for my advice. For example: AVADA KEDAVRA!!! (Whoever lies dead)
There! I feel better already!
Dear Snape,
I think I might be an apple. What do you suggest?
An Apple.
Scapegrace
Apple,
Very well. To test your theory, I suggest you go to the Forbidden Forest and try to feed yourself to a unicorn. If you ARE an apple our problems are all solved. However, if you are NOT, I'm sure it's nothing a centaur, large spider, or even (rumour has it) ugly giant can't solve.
Snape the Great!
Dear Professor,
Why does your skin glow-in-the-dark?
H.P.
Sexy sadie
Err...Why were you looking at me in the dark?
Dear Snape,
I think You're better than Pelgar, that columninst at the Star Trek site!
Signed
A Star Trek AND a Harry Potter fan!
Scapegrace
Hmmmmm. Is star trek a long journey by broomstick?
Dear Snape,
Come out of your cold dungeons! There's a visitor to see you. Someone with a silver hand.
McGonnagal
Swimchamp
Oh I would love to see them but I bet I would kill them.
-Snape
I'm going to die next month I know it.
-CC
Scapegrace
C.C.,
We can all hope now, can't we?
Prof. Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
You've won the pool yet AGAIN in the staff weekly lottery on who will get the most students in trouble. (McGonnagal ran a close second.) Come pick up your winnings in my office before Dumbledore shows up.
Filch
Calvinandhobbes
YEEHAW!!
How many weeks is that now? I Believe it is close to 56. Sweetness! I shall be there shortly.
Smartest of them All,
S. Snape
Snape,
You are cheating in the drawings. Potter came to me and told me you gave him detentions for nothing! I will get you!!
Deputy Headmistriss ( you are just a professer!!!!!!! ) M. McGonagall
Swimchamp
I will get you sacked when I become ruler of the world!
Who will be the next on you detention list?
-HP
Bellatrix LeStrange
For asking such a silly question, you can determine exactly who it will be. So, because all silly-question asking students recieve detentions, and YOU are a silly-question asking student, I think it is only fair to put Granger, Potter, and Weasley on the list.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Snapey-Poo,
I know what you did last summer.
Scapegrace
Yes well, as I've stated before, it was all just a HUGE misunderstanding and it was just unfortunate that those barmaids took it so seriously.
And really, who would have believed all that rot?
I wish you wouldn't bring it up again.
My lawyer has advised me that I remain silent on the matter.
Prof. Snape
Dear Prof. Snape
What will our next Potions test be on? Only chapters 1-7 or the whole book, because I've read the whole thing you know. Really. Go ahead. Ask me anything!
Lil' Miss Know-It-All
Swimchamp
I will test on things that even I don't know much about and you little miss muffet will get a 0 like everyone else!
-Snape
I have a friend who has seen the grim! What should he do?
HG
Bellatrix LaStrange
He should run around and scream, and then die. If he doesn't, then he should come to me for a calming potion...it will, erm, HELP him...that's right...
SS
Snapey-Poo,
I have to report on myleastfavorite teacher, and I picked you. I need a list of facts by... midnight.
Thanx!
Some guy
Swimchamp
I would gladly give you some except that was assigned by me and you have to do another teacher.
-Snape
I accidently ate a penny. What do you suggest doing?
-GW
Stacy
Miss Weasley,A penny?
Where do you even find American muggle coins in Hogwarts? I suspect black magic! 50 points from Gryffindor and detention. . . with me!
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
I'm kind of depressed. Can we have a boys-night-out tonight?
Filch
PS Say no and you'll be cleaning the dungeons yourself for a month!
Swimchamp
What about the girls?
I love plugs but my wife doesn't.
-AW
Stacy
Arthur,
I'm just amazed that your wife loves you.
Severus
PS I am supposed to be on duty for the Order tonight but I have a hot date. Can you cover for me?
Dear Professor Snape
Meet me in my office later tonight. I have a very sexy surprise for you.
Professor Vector
Blondedragon07
didnt know filch was going to be in your office tonight! dont worry, il be there as soon as possible! tell filchy-poo im on my way!
not so sexy snape
snape,
mother and father are going out tonight, can you come over around 8? or will you be with that filch again? because the time has come to choose, its me or him! take your pick you sexy beast!
Big D
Scapegrace
Oh, now clearly we have some nasty Griffindors playing their little baby-games involving clogging up my mail slots and busying my owls with bogus,rancid,innsidious letters that have no merit. 50 points from Griffindor! And while I cannot be certain, just to be on the safe side, 50 points from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw as well! Now, why don't you all go interest yourselves in the current Potions textbook as we will be having a massive pop-test tomorrow for all your cheek!
Ever The Gentleman,
Professor Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
Why aren't Muggles allowed to find out about the magic world? Can't we all just get along?
J. F.-F.
Nurika
J. F.-F.:
Of course we can't get along. Who wants to get along anyway? Muggles suck.
~Snape
===========
Dear Snape, I mean, Professor Snape
How come you take away more points from Gryffindor than any other house? Is it a *plot twist*?
Love,
R.W
Ion Ambrionic
R.W.
I know how. Try to plant a bomb on your head and make someone light it up for you. After you will be blown to pieces, that guy who lighted the bomb will be penalized.
Professor Snape:
Can you send me more recipes for explosive potion? Please?
Ion Ambrinoc
Leader of the Ice Guard
The Mammoth in Hogwarts
Romania
Scapegrace
Ion,
I believe only one recipe is necessary. Since you already have that, just make more. Or are you incapeable of reading your own instructions? Perhaps you need to repeat the 7th year. That can be arranged.
Professor Snapes ADVICE column.
Dear Professor Snape,
How can I teach my brother to be more civilized? He has a long way to go.
Rubeus
Bellatrix LeStrange
I highly suggest letting him drink oil. It works very well! Later, we can all go and sit around the campfire(heh heh heh...)
SS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snapey-Poo,I know what else you did last summer.
Blondedragon07
who told you about the sex change?! OMG!!! il kill that argus, he PROMISED he wouldnt say anything!!!
severus
the women faculty have found your excessive use of the womens bathroom quite atrocious. we send you this letter in hopes that you will begin using the males facilities from now on....unless, you have something to tell us about why you insist on using the females restrooms...anyway, please send back response as soon as possible.
minerva
Bellatrix LeStrange
Erm...well, you see... Peeves was doing terrible things to the other lavatory...yes, that's it. Quite. Would you like a toffee?
SSSnapey-Poo
No, I already knew about that. I meant that other other thing you did last summer.
Sita128
I did that many things last summer you'll have to be more specific. And DON'T call me snapey-poo.
From Prof. Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
I had a dream last night in which I for saw you death. I would tell you how to avoid it, but I rather not.
From Hp
Calvinandhobbes
o.k. I'll just ask trelawney.
snape,
I need you to come back to me. I tried making a death potion, but i added the venom before the porcupine quills and it exploded on me. HELP OR YOU GET CRUCIO'D.
Kisses and Hugs,
Lord VoldemortDark Lord
No Order of Merlin
Ion Ambrionic
To Voldemort
If you are messing with illegal things, the Ice Guard will be on you. Your message was tracked.
Professor Severus Snape
Hogwarts Potions Master
Professor Snape,
Don't you want to join the Ice Guard?
Ion Ambrinoc
Stacy
Dear Ion Ambrinoc,
Of course not, you fool! Now, the Ice Capades, that's a different story.
Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
Remus seemed to think that you wanted to poison him at the meeting of the Order. Did you?
Minerva
Ion Ambrionic
No way, Minerva.
But I think you transfigured Lupin into a mouse.
Snape
Professor Snape,
Can you owl me a new supply of bezoar, carbonate, styrographite, smogasoline, boomslang skin ,sneeze powder and Stinksap?
Ion Ambrinoc
Stacy
Dear Ion Ambrinoc,
Of course not! These ingredients are used in the dark arts! Do you think me ignorant of your intents? Under no circumstance will you get these from me.
(Unless you use the potions on Potter. I could make a for-the-general-good-of-humanity excuse in that case. Shhh!)
Professor Snape
Dark Arts Free and Proud of It
Dear Professor Snape,
Are you as sexy as you seem or am I under the influence of a love potion that you have so cunningly brewed?
Myrtle
Kimberleykay
As you still at school, even if you are dead meet me in my office at 9 o'clock tommorow night, (pant pant) I need to go over the potion work that you had not given in before you died. Having died is not an excuse in my book. (wear your uniform cough! cough!)
Dear Snape
I can't seem to find Myrtle in her bathroom
HP
Blondedragon07
well perhaps myrtle has decided to take a night time swim in the lake. i do happen to know that she chooses to do so every once in a while (looks inocently around). and 50 points from gryffindor for going into there you fool.
the-soon-to-be-defense-against-the-dark-arts-professor
your column is very popular, even in the muggle world (im a muggle). and i would like to start a column of my own *and take yours over* (cough, cough). can you give me some tips as to how to make my advice column be every bit as good as yours?
muggle
Bellatrix Lestrange
Muggle?
What are you talking about? I think that we're all the same! What's a Muggle? And why are you reading my column, anyway!
SHOO!!
SSSnapey-Poo,
You know. That thing you did last summer.
Swimchamp
Well how would you know?
I am wondering are you married?
-Your lover
Bellatrix LeStrange
A few things: I'm not, and when I am, it certainly won't be to you. If I was, I wouldn't be married to you. If I was married to someone else, that someone else wouldn't be you, and lastly, if I got divorced, I would've NEVER divorced you; I wouldn't have been married to you in the first place.
SSSnapey-Poo.
You know what I mean. That thing you did on the beach by McGonagall. I DO know what you did last summer... poor McGonagall...
Scapegrace
Oh, THAT thing.
Well why couldn't you have been more specific the first time? Minerva was sun- bathing behind this huge boulder (she likes to hide from the public,poor dear) and I had to relieve myself quite badly. I dashed over to the rock and- before you know it- I'm afraid I splashed her a bit.
Yes, she was quite disgusted. And I was extremely embarrassed by the whole thing. That, of course, made her feel not so angry. In fact, after all the excitement was over, we dashed into the ocean for a quick skinny dip, and then shared some margaritas with a couple of mermaids whose numbers I've written down somewhere......Owl address numbers, that is.
We laugh about that incident to this day. Since you say you saw the whole incident, you must be that cackling hag by shore looking for shells to grind up into some sort of mer-love- potion I believe.
(Sorry, I ran out of room.) Anyway, hope that clears things up a bit. I'm not ashamed about it any longer. These things happen. Get over it and get a life!
Professor Snape
Dear Severus,
Why haven't you written to me yet? I'm still waiting to hear from you. I'll be waiting by that boulder.
Misty
calvinandhobbes
im sorry dear but mrs. norris has been taking up my time.
snape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snape,
I have been wanting to get into your NEWT potion classes underwear drawer but i need to know if i passed your owls your lock combination. can you tell me?
H.G.
NO professer i didn't write this. It was harry. Honest.
Jesyca
Honestly, my underwear drawer. How do you know I even wear underwear?? 80 points from Gryffindor for lack of knowledge.
Dear Snape,
I am writing to you today to find out whether or not you are available for Friday night.
Sincerly M. M.
Calvinandhobbes
dear Minister of Magic,
yes, i am. We do have important business to discuss don't we?
Severus,
If you take any more points off of gryfindor using your advice column you will not be able to have the brownies in the teachers lounge. you must give advice, not hurtful words.
Dumbledore
Scapegrace
Oh, Puhlease! Cry me a river! It's my column and I'll do what I want!......Are those the brownies with tiny sprinkles that I like? Well, maybe I'll tone it down just a tad. Mind you, they've got to stop sending in those bogus advice letters! I have my limits! (But a brownie is a brownie...)
Dear Professor Snape,
Can you give me advice on how to ask a certain Slytherin girl to the Yule Ball. She hardly even notices me. I keep trying to take her picture, but she's always hiding her face or running into the girls bathroom or making a "face" at me.
Gosh I just love her.
C.C.
Stacy
Dear Colin,
Give her a weapon, ask "Will you go to the ball with me?" then let the fun begin.
Professor Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Just how many points would you take off Gryffindor if I broke into your office?
Sneaky One
SlytherinGirl
As many as I can.
Snivellus,
You had better be nice to Harry. If I hear that you're picking on him again, I'll come down to the school myself and blast you into a million pieces.
Sirius
Calvinandhobbes
I wil pick on harry at the same time I invite the Minister over for afternoon tea. Can't wait to see you!
Snape.
p.s. if you call me snivilus again, I will tell dumbledore!
Snape,
Can you brew me up a love potion? The girls in St. Mungo's don't seem to like me. Odd, huh? What am I writing ths for? Where am I ?
Gilderoy Lockhart
Jesyca
Oh please!!! Am I to believe that YOU are capable of such skill?? Not to mention if you ster foot out of Grimmauld, you'll be sent straight back to Azkaban.
Snape
I was wondering whenare you going to wash that greasy hair of yours... It's revolting
Squeaky Clean
Scapegrace
Squeaky Clean,
I don't need to wash my hair, it's beautiful just the way it is!!(That's what the ladies tell me anyway.
Sensuous Sevvy
Dear Prof Snape,
How can I tell a certain giant that I love him? He's pretty shy and ,well, kind of slow(if you know what I mean).I am French and we are used to much more aggressive types. Please help.
Madam M.
(kiss kiss)
Tahnee
Just mention that you like brainless oafs, He'll get the hint. Dont waste my time, you horrible ogre.
Snape.
Dear Snape,
I have a huuuuge crush on one of my best friends, but I dont know what to do because i think my other best friend likes her also. I want to be with her, but I'm afraid of losing my friendship with my other friend... Please help!
Signed H.P. (P.s. Its.. uh, not who you think it is...)
Scapegrace
Dear H.-Not-Who-I-Think-It-Is- P.,
You're right.I don't just think, I know who it is. My advice to you is to stab your friend in the back. Ask her out. If she says "yes" then 'yay' for you, if not; then you'll lose the only two friends you have here at school. An army, once divided, is soon conquered. You'll be at my mercy. Heh, heh. Oh, sorry. I meant you'll be free of them. Yes, that's right. That's what I meant.
Professor Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
While I'm clearly the most popular boy in Slytherin,and I already have a girlfriend, I can't help but think about this one particular Griffindore girl.While she bugs the heck out of me,I keep thinking how I'd like to ask her out. I know it's crazy.I think it's those brown eyes. Can you help me. Father would kill me if he knew.
Muggle-Crazed D.
Sexy sadie
Go for it. That way when she completely rejects you, you will have learned a valuable lesson and we will all would have had a good laugh at your expense.
Dear Severus,
Thank you for a wonderful time last night. I never knew you could move so well.
Love,
Bianca R
Scapegrace
Bianca Dear,
Are you referring to the dance floor or afterward?
Sweet Snape (That IS what you called me, isn't it?)
Dear Prof. Snape,
Is this an advice column or a love-seekers column?! Keep your focus on your task or I'll have to send Prof. Dumbledore after you.
Straight-Laced (and proud of it),
P. Mcgonnagal
Stacy
Minerva,
Can I help it if I have been blessed with all this sex appeal? The students naturally see me as a role model in such areas. Just because they would never ask you for advice in such matters, don't get on my case!
Severus
PS Show some ankle; it'll do wonders for your love life.
Dear Professor Snape,
Lavender and I were talking and we think you should incorporate more blue into your wardrobe. It would really bring out the sparkle in your eyes. What do you think?
Parvati Patil
Cheekymonkey
Dear Parvati,
If i need fashion advice from Gryfindors I would set it for homework, but that is never going to happen. 10 points will be taken for your rudeness. I happen to like black it hides the potion stains and students blood
Dear Snape,
OOPS! someone in my charms class (Neville) dropped their wand just as you were talking to Prof Flitwick and in case you haven't noticed the back of your robes are now pink with baby blue flowers on it.
Seamus
Bellatrix LeStrange
As is your brain. For notifying me of this, you Gryffidors will encounter the following increases in house points:
+ (-20) for the stupid letter
+ (-100) for making me pretty
+ (50) for talking to me
+ (-10) for not being in Slytherin.
I think this is fair! Next time, however, I would prefer to have a blue robe and purple flowers---ACK I mean...
SS
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Snapey-Poo.
I have you bugged. I DO know what you did last summer, you know, when you got that nail polish and relish and did that...THING...
Kat Delacalour
Dear Anonymous,
Yes but you don't have the pictures do you!! I have every copy AND the negatives sitting in my bottom drawer right now so HA HA HA!!I don't know what you're talking about.
--------
Dearest Snape,
I have recently been promoted to a position of authority and I'm a little curious as to how I will maintain respect among the students other people. How do you keep your students in-line??
Swimchamp
use the whip. I cannot make potions but I can make good cookies! How do you make a love potion?
-Cookie maker
Redjewelzs
cookie monster,
tear your heart out of your chest and burn in into a fire, and then you shall have your 'love potion'... good luck!
severus snape,
master of the dark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
snivelly,
why not consider using one of your bloody shrinking potions on your damn nose? its disgusting! the best keeper and seeker in the history of gryffindor
Scapegrace
Not you two fools again! As I've stated before, we Snapes are proud of our profiles. We certainly stand out in a crowd. You wouldn't have any respect for a tiny- nosed, pale-faced, high-talker, now would you? I'm here to intimidate, teach you. But of course, I won't be teaching you two drop-outs, now will I? Waste no more of my time!
Losers
Hook-Nosed and Fancy-Free
Prof. Snape
Dear Prof. Snape,
My sister only just started reading your column today. Can I say 'HI!' to her?;
" Hey Birdee61, how ya doin'? Look at me, I'm in Snape's column!"
Thank you Professor! Hope I didn't bother you too much. I know how you hate being bothered !
Wild About You,
Me
Sexy sadie
God I hate my life.
Dear Snape,
I've come back from the dead. And I'm still outside your door. With an axe.
Wanda Wildabeezer
Scapegrace
W.W.
Dear me.
We really can't have this going on continuously.Can't we make peace? Here. I'm pushing out of this convienient door slot recently installed in my office, one delicious box of mint scout cookies AND a generous supply of Minervas scotch toffies. You really can't beat that peace offering!
Not only that, I'll give you these two stolen borrowed cyanide laced yummy sprinkled brownies from the teachers lounge. They are my favorite. Now let's just call off this whole feud. Sit down, have a snack. We'll all feel better. Aren't you feeling a bit drowsy? Hmmm?.....
P.Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
Will you accompany me into town to purchase some exotic plants from the floral shop? Last time I went alone I wound up almost being strangled by a devil's snare disguised as a lovely bouquet gift basket. Honestly, the help you get now-a-days! Well, how about it?
Prof. Sprout
Redjewelzs
dear god woman!
its your own bloody field! go ask mcgonagall or something, im sure she's bound to come back with a few bruises and then i can have something to fun of her for for at least a few weeks... yes take mcgonagall, she's better with devil's snare anyway...
severus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
oi, snape!
its us again. we were wondering if you could tell us 'ten uses of the bowtruckle claws in potions', cuz we're not quite sure and your stupid bloody essay is ridiculous. we tried asking hermione but she wont give is the damn answer! cmon at least give us a couple of hints, i found something about it being used for a sneezing solution and harry found something about a puncturing potion, could you give us some other ideas, i think hermione took out all the books so we cant even check at the library, this is an advice column, so give us some bloody answers you greasy git!
ron weasley and harry potter
(much better than your slimy butt)
Ion Ambrionic
Just for being so rude you don't get anything.
Professor Severus Snape
Professor Snape,
Can you give me the following ingredients:nytrogen, polycarbonatov, monoxydum, solid O3 and flakopodum? I need them for my Ice Guard potions. Against You-Know who.
Ion Ambrinoc, your student
Scapegrace
Oh dear,
Not this Ion-pyro-tenich-megalo-maniacal-military-take-over-the-world-type person again! Enclosed you will find the name and the address of my personal apothecary needs specialist. Tell him I sent you. We are best buds. He is a fellow Slytherin.;
Slimey Shopkeeper
Knockturn Alley
Behind The Dumpster
Next To Sleeping Bum
He should be able to fulfill your strange needs. Now, go away and leave me alone!
Professor Snape
Advice Columnist Extraordinaire
Dear Professor Snape,
Ah, Sir, somethin's eatin' the roosters 'n chickens again. Could you check the lower dungeons for any, um, snake-like creatures?
Much obliged.
Hagrid
Calvinandhobbes
Hagrid! You brainless oaf! Go ask harry! he is the parsletounge, not me!! Plus the Basalisk was in the girl's bathroom, not the dungeons.
S. Snape
Snape sir,
I, and members of the Hogwarts staff, sir, would like it if you washed your hair. When your hair even accidentally touches your dish, it gives me a full extra hour of scrubbing,sir.
Good Day,Sir,
Dobby,
sir Dumbledore
Sita128
Dear Dobby and others,
There is an old saying, "Any work is good work" so be greatful for what you have. Although I dare say that the state of you clothes is enough to make any dish sufficently dirty.
From Prof. Snape
Dear Snape
I have a rather embrassing protrusion on my, hem hem, behind. What potion would you recommend to get rid of it.
From D.U.
Leena
Dumbledore Huh?
You clumbsy little elf! You really thought I would fall for that? Because of your pethetic atempt to make me surender to shampooing my hair, I will rub my head on every plate you have to wash!
S. Snape
Dear Severus,
I have reicived your letter with the answer to my request I have hereby put you on probation for unsanitary practices.
- Dumbledore (The real one)
*Oh man Dobby that was a good idea, this will get the old slime ball for sure! I can't wait to see his face he'll really think it's Dumbledore because we recorded his voice! -Harry* (to bad this was sent in a howler.
FYI: Snape hears the last part to) Cog
Dear Dolores Umbridge,
I believe you have mistaken your face for your behind (Quite an easy error to make.) This "protrusion" you speak of is, in fact, your nose.
While noses aren't generally considered abnormal, I would recommend, in your case, a paper bag.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
* * *
*notes the latter part of the howler*
Dear Harry Dumbledore (the real one,)
Forgive me, sir.
I suppose being on probation means I have no need to handle my class duties. Pity. Harry's last report on Common Misconceptions of Aconite would have been especially ameliorating towards his grade.
I guess I needn't feel so bad about burning it now.
Yours truly,
Severus Snape
(P.S. Does "dancing on the desk in sadistic glee" count as "feeling bad," anyway?)
* * *
Dear Professor Snape,
In Charms today we were supposed to levitate a glass of water without spilling it.
I was doing pretty great until a current crush distracted me and I accidently spilled the water over his new robes. I tried to fix the problem with a simple drying spell but instead of drying his robes I turned them invisible!
How will I ever live this one down?
Graceless
Scapegrace
Oh, Graceless,
How amusing.I wish I'd have been there to see it. Tell me. Was it by any chance that smart-mouthed red-head or that attention-seeking brat? Oh, that would have been so good....but no matter. You will never live this down so I suggest you give up on Griffindore and make new friends elsewhere. There's always room in Hufflepuff. They take ANYBODY. (the losers).
Snape the Supreme
Dear Professor Snape,
You are currently 2 payments late on the loan you took out 6 months previous. If you do not make full payment by the end of this week, we will be forced to reposess the muggle Jaguar you purchased. Please note, we are serious on this matter. We are aware of where you've hidden it (Forbidden Forest). And we will make good on collecting either your money or the car.
Good day to you, sir.
Griphook
Gringotts Bank
Diagon Alley
Anne Clayr
Dear griphook
(if that really is your real name) you are absolutely right..i did hide my automobile in the forbidden forest. unfortunately, it is not a jaguar, but in fact a ferrari. If you try to re-posess it, i will send the thestrals to eat you alive. Thank you, write again.
-snape the great-
************
Dear professor snape,
I am a student in one of your classes and i have forseen our future together, and I must say, you cannot escape fate. I would certainly hope that you return my affections
Prof. Trelawney smitten student
Cog
Dear Insufferably Silly Person,
Smitten Students? No escape? Why, such phrases are music to my ears!
I do have quite an affection for the smiting of imprisoned students and look forward to our violent future together.
Ready when you are,
Severus Snape
P.S. Actually, I've changed my mind. You are obviously a masochist and would enjoy the offered situation. My real advice to you: Quit fortune-telling.
________________________________________
Dear Professor Snape,
My best friend and I are both in Ravenclaw. However, she seems to have developed a crush on a certain potions master . .
Considering the fact that he is a slimy, greasy, large-nosed idiot I can't help but question whether or not she belongs in a house known for its intelligence. What do you think?
Yours truly,
Harryietta.
Blondedragon07
i dont see the problem, your friend sounds quite intelligent to me...then, perhaps...ah, yes. she should switch into slytherin, and you into hufflepuff...yes, that will work. i will inform albus imediatly.
im drastically overweight. they have to use a crane (some sort of muggle contraption) to lift from my common room. is there a potion that you could make me that would help me lose the excess 400 pounds?
sincerely,atkins-didnt-work-for-me
Birdee
Dear Atkins drop out.
I see no real problem here, after all, you too can some day can be an oversized portrait gaurding a common room door.
PSS
Prof. Snape,
About this Muggle car parked in the forest, are we to assume that the bank collector can come and get it? Or should we fight/bite them off?
Spider Army
Jesyca
Dear Spiders,
Yes
Dear Snape,
I am quite smitten with you, would you fancy a roll in the hay?
Sincerly,
Tifny Nichole Maiyce Stevenson
Cog
Dear Tifny Nichole Maiyce Stevenson,
. . . Are you some sort of barn animal?
No.
Don't write me again*,
Severus Snape
(*unless you are actually three sisters by the names of Tifny, Nichole, Maiyce Stevenson)
_________________________________
Dear Professor Snape,
What's the best potion for shrinking oneself?
Love,
Your nose
Scapegrace
Oh really now! I will not tolerate these childish Griffindor letters! I'm sicking Filch on all of you. You'll never have a peaceful moment. He'll hound you night and day....(Oh, bloody hell, who am I kidding?)
P.Snape
Dear Professor Snape,
We've moved the poker game to Hagrid's hut this evening. There seems to be a lot of goblins in the Forest looking for something. Best to stay near in case we are needed. Be on time this night, right?!
Hootch
Jesyca
Dear nose,
I cut you off to spite my face
Dear Snape
we are three sisters (triplets). We are madly in love with you and would love to meet you.
Love,
Tifny, Nichole, and Maiyce Stevenson
Cog
Madame Hootch:
Due to . . . prior engagements, I need to remain at the school and won't be able to make it tonight.
Regretfully,
Severus Snape
(P.S. I will be using the Ferrari tonight, so no worries)
____________________________________________
Dear Professor Snape,
GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTERS!!!
Love,
Mr. Stevenson
Jesyca
Dear Mr. Stevenson,
No, I can not, shall not, and will not stay away from these gorgeous ladies *cough whores* I would like to marry the most beautiful
Tifany
Dear Snape
I have a chance to go out with 3 of the most FOXXY women, but may be murdered by their troll-like father, whatever willll I do.
Love,
SS
Cog
Do as you will, and crucio their father, you sexy thing.
Eternally yours,
Severus Snape
_______________________________________________
Dear Professor Snape,
Dealing so patiently with that Harry Potter brat has obviously caused you to develop Dissociative Identity Disorder. Fifty points from Gryffindor.
Enjoy your date,
Severus Snape
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Mugglenet Interactive has since been taken down. I'm glad this first column was saved here for all to enjoy! I have since participated in another Ask Snape Column from another site. I have collected the "Best Of" here if you would still like to enjoy more advice from our Potions Professor!
Another Ask Snape Column And below this page i am including a link to the Snape Escape which has a new Ask Snape column just beginning. Please feel free to join this site and give your Snapey responses with us!
