Scapegrace

Professor,

I've always knitted sweaters for the children, but this year I've included this lovely black cardigan with twisting snakes motif for your enjoyment. No, please, don't thank me. It's just my way of saying, "Won't you please treat my children fairly in the coming year at Hogwarts?".

Sincerely,

Molly W

Snape fan

Molly,

Enclosed you will find the sweater you sent me. When have you ever seen me in a sweater?? Your powers of observation are obviously minimal and I fear for the future of the Order if this continues. As for your children, of whom there seems to be a continuous stream (Miss Weasley is your last child I hope?), I will continue to treat them as fairly *smirk* as I always have. No, please don't thank me, it's just my way of asking you not to procreate anymore as I have seen enough Weasleys in my classes to last a lifetime.

Severus

I suppose you two think you are funny? Oh yes, very humorous to be seen walking in the Great Hall with all the castle cats amorously sniffing around me...(do you know how long it took me to get the catnip out of my robes?) My first thought was that the Weasley twins were back for a visit, but then I remembered seeing you two snickering in the corner during the progressive dinner. Really, two grown men acting like children...well let me give you a bit of advice: if I find out for sure it was you two, I will transfigure you both into bugs and take great pleasure in crushing you beneath my shoes!

Minerva (Deputy Headmistress)

Scapegrace

My dear Minerva,

I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. *snicker* Filius and I had merely been discussing Lucius Malfoy's latest escapades in the bath. *snort* You would do well to reconsider the Weasley twins as the possible culprits; either they were personally involved, or they persuaded one of their many infantile joke shop clients to pull off that particular stunt. *giggle* Don't you have some papers to grade? A detention to issue? A Quiddich loss to mourn?

Yours in Slytherin,

Severus Snape

Snape Fan

Professor Snape,

Enclosed, please find a picture of Alan Rickman who so kindly autographed it personally for you. We thought it might make a nice addition to the Potions classroom. He thought the line "Cancel Christmas too" was appropriate after we described you to him.

He expressed a desire to come meet you in person at Hogwarts, but we told him we would check with the Headmaster. Could you put in a good word for that please? We'd love to get a picture of the two of you.

Sincerely,

H. Granger & G. Weasley

Co-Presidents, Alan Rickman Hogwarts Fan Club

Scapegrace

"Incendio!" *green flashes of light*mutters to self...

There, that should take care of that photograph.

Rickman, indeed.....

Ahem, scribble, scribble,

"Ladies",

if you cannot think of better ways to waste your time, I have leaches that need peeling and rats brains that need pickling. I'd be happy to find you a task.

Always the Potions Master, Never the DADA teacher,

Snape

Snape Fan

Dear Professor Snape Sir,

I hope you can help us. Have you heard of S.P.E.W.? Harry Potter's friend Hermione Granger keeps trying to hand us clothes...she knits these little hats, then tries to hide them...most elves won't even go into Gryffindor House anymore to clean and I am having to do it all myself.

We tried talking to Professor Dumbledore but he just smiled and told us to ignore it.

In desperation, we have formed the Protection of Enslaved Elves or P.E.E. and are requesting your help. Could you please talk to Miss Granger and tell her to stop?

Thank you Sir,

Dobby

P.S. The position of Treasurer is open if you would like it and we have enclosed a badge for you to wear.

Aahlyia

Dobby,

Of course as you may well be aware of when dealing with this mule headed, know it all, muggle born, irritating, impertinant prat, we must use reverse psychology.

Why don't you cut two hole out on each side of the hats and start using them as diapers. Leave them at the foot of her bed with a box of detergent and a note of thanks for alleviating you from laundry duty. She'll get the hint and stop this utter nonesense of knitting hats in the future.

Now please don't bother me in the future with your silly troubles, as I have many correspondences with dire need for resolutions.

Respectfully yours,

Severus Snape

The Acclaimed and Respected Winner of Top Columnist Award, Order Of Merlin:

Severus Snape

Snape Fan

Dear Professor Snape,

Can we have a muggle movie night and make it an Alan Rickman Film Festival? We'll bring the popcorn and movies, if you'll just make your classroom available. Professors McGonagall, Sprout, Hooch and Madame Pomfrey seemed excited about the idea.

Thanks in advance,

H. Granger and G. Weasley

Co-Presidents, Alan Rickman Hogwarts Fan Club

Aahlyia

Idiots,

GOOD for them...let them host it in their own BLOODY classroom! (Makes a disgusted face and rolls his eyes.)

Next crises!!!

Snape

Scapegrace

Dear Snape,

Please return your copy of "Bewitching Babes of the Witching World." It is now 3 weeks past due. The fine is more than your months salary and Dumbledore said he will garnish your wages until it is returned! Madam P.

Aahlyia

Now listen here! I never checked that book out from the library...Do you hear me?! Never! I have more important things to do than look through the pages of that very obscene book and drool over half naked women in bikinis made of whisps of smoke or hiding theirr nakedness behind bottles half filled with potions and test tubes...oh wait...that is Nerdy Girls Gone Wild..um I mean....Don't bother me anymore with your nonesense! I have work to do woman!

(Wipes forehead with the back of his sleeve and clears his throat)

Snape!

And

Suite Madam Blue

I'm going to kill Minerva for checking that out in my name...

Madame Librarian,

Kindly direct your request to Professor McGonagall, as she seems to have missed her due date. Obviously this is her revenge for the "feline incident" she believes I perpetrated. Merlin knows I don't need such "entertainment". And I do believe Dumbledore meant "garnishee", but by all means, he may garnish my wages; they need all the enhancement they can get.

Professor Snape

Snape Fan

Severus,

As you know, I have the Great Hall reserved for another of my wonderful dueling lessons? Perhaps you read my book, Dueling with DeathEaters? I'd be more than happy to give you an autographed copy!

I need an assistant to help me again, and since I did such a wonderful job with the children in the first dueling club (I did make you look good, didn't I?) I was wondering, no, I know you will be thrilled to be a part of the second one.

Tuesday night, 7 p.m.!

Gildroy Lockhart

Witch Weekly's favorite Cover Man

Scapegrace

Lockhart,

umm...*absentmindedly thumbing through stolen library copy of "Bewitching Babes of the Witching World." *....hmm, it is so tempting...

Yes, I will enjoy blasting you to smithereens. Be sure and wear one of your easily visible, might-as-well-be-a-target-for-target-practice, loud, obnoxious outfits.

Snape

I hate to bother you, sir. But Dobby's friend Winky has got hold of some wicked-powerful love potion, sir. It must have been in that butterbeer you left outside for us house elves to clean up.

Please, sir. You must help.

Winky is now running around naked in the kitchens, sir. She chases Professor Flitwick, sir.

He has sworn to Dobby, sir, that he will seek vengence on Professor Snape if he does not help.

Please, sir. You must come, sir.

Why did sir wish for Winky to fall in love with him, sir?

Winky does not like you, sir. She is afraid of you sir.

Anyway, sir, are you comming now, sir?

Humble Dobby

Snape Fan

Dobby,

Only because you did that "favor" (I did have a good laugh at Lucius's expense because of it) for me at the Malfoys will I brew you a potion to counter that love potion sent to me.

Dobby, how can Winky not like me?? Am I not a member in good standing of P.E.E.? (Protection of the Enslavement of Elves) - even though you paid my dues...anyway...I'm sure that while this is the most excitement Flitwick has seen in a long time, the potion will be ready tonight.

I'll take care of Flitwick.

Professor Snape

Member, P.E.E.

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

Colin is very interested in taking photographs of all the teachers for the Hogwart's Yearbook.

He says he has tried and tried to get a photo of you without your making rude gestures and shouting at him in the photos.

Could you please pose nicely for him?

Remember,

this is the last impression the leaving students will have to remember you by.

M.McGonnagal

Snape Fan

Minerva,

I really don't care about any lasting impressions the students might have of me. Therefore, I will continue to make rude gestures to Mr. Creevy whenever he tries to take my picture. Please ask him to desist in trying or he could have an "unfortunate" accident in potions.

Severus

I had another one of my brilliant ideas last night after Dueling Club. (Thanks for your help by the way, but was it necessary to hex me with boils? It doesn't do anything for the complexion). Next week I think I will do a lecture, then a lab where the children can show what they learned. As I'm sure you are aware (since I sent you complimentary copies) my two newest books are Dueling with DeathEaters and Walking with Werewolves. I have also invited Professor Lupin to attend, as I'm sure you would both like to hear how an expert deals with these two issues. My idea is you two can act out the part of a DE and werewolf and duel for the children. I, of course, will be on the sidelines directing the action.

Need I say how excited the Headmaster was about this? Professor Lupin didn't seem to express that but said he would be in contact with you about this.

Thanks Severus!

Gildroy

Witch Weekly's Favorite Cover Man

Scapegrace

Lockhart, your prancing fool,

No, I will not duel Lupin for your amusement!

I spoke to him and he agrees with me that YOU should be the one dueling US! After all, you are the instructor and you do claim to be able to beat us both so now's your chance!

You shall duel Lupin first and, IF you survive that *snicker,snicker* I'll be there to finish off whatever tattered remains of you that he has left behind. Since you must wait until the next full moon when Lupin will be at his best, I suggest you bone-up on your dueling skills!

(Ah, this is going to be quite enjoyable!)

Snape;

Dueling Master and *ahem,cough*former*cough* Death Eater

How can I tell my wife that her home-made knitted sweaters are disliked by the entire family and that we would like her to stop making them?

Daddy W.

Snape fan

Arthur,

Do what I did and send it right back to her. She has never sent me another. My other advice to you is to let her know that Lockhart wants one everytime he makes the cover of Witch Weekly - that will keep her busy for a bit.

Snape

As you know, I work in the MOM now, in a VERY important position - Fudge himself hired me *puffs out chest*.

I need you to measure, and as quickly as possible if you please, all your cauldrons. I'm sure you are aware that we here at the MOM are trying to standerize cauldron thickness and we need to make sure your cauldrons are in compliance.

I expect your answer by tomorrow morning.

P. Weasley

Former Head Boy, Gryffindor House

Scapegrace

*shred,shred, rip, tear,shred*

"Whoops"

Takes wand out. "Inflamare!"

Takes out whisk broom and opens up an envelope. Brushes ashes into envelope.

Addresses envelope:

P.Weatherby

Ministry of Magic

Below the desk of Fudge, licking his boots

Snape Fan

Severus,

I have a list and I'm checking it twice to see if you've been naughty or nice! I've had many letters from the girls at your school requesting you under their Christmas Tree this year when they wake up...

I have yet to receive your letter this year with what YOU would like...

Write soon,

Santa

Scapegrace

Father Christmas,

You have yet to deliver the thing I want most. (Need I remind you, it's the DADA job!)

Having said that, here's a short list of other options:

Can thestrals see each other?

Can they see themselves?

I'm trying to get a photo of one for the yearbook.

Colin Creevey

Snape fan

Mr. Creevy,

Do I care?

Do they have mirrors?

Who cares?

Professor Snape

The stars are bright tonight.

Firenze

Scapegrace

Mr.(or is it Professor now) Firenze,

Enclosed are the lyrics to Rainbow Connection.

I think you'll find the answers you've been searching for hidden in it's lyrics.

Now forget about those centaur friends of yours and get back to work!

Professor Snape,

Ever-wishing upon a bright star.

I really hate to bother you again sir, but I had this great idea for photographing one of the Thestrals.

If you could lure one of them from the Forbidden Forest (as I'm sure you have seen death (or possibly even participated in someone's death) and can obviously spot a thestral.

Then my brother Dennis could throw a can of paint on it. (Ummmm, how about green? That would look smashing!)

Then I could snap it's picture! I'll bet I'd be the first person to ever have captured a thestral on film!!!!

Oh please sir. Won't you do this for me?

I'll personally clean all out all your cauldrons for the rest of the school year AND scrub down your office suppy room. (It's pretty nasty in there, sir).

So, will you do it?!!!!!!

Colin C.

Snape Fan

Mr. Creevey,

Oh, you will be cleaning cauldrons for the rest of the year all right...consider yourself in detention as of now. But you will never touch my supply closet again.

And stop bothering me with those damn thestrals. I don't care if you ever photograph one, but feel free to venture into the Forbidden Forest yourself...you never know what you will find there

Professor Snape

Severine Javert

Dear professor Snape,

My name is Seabiscuit. I am a thestral and I have a problem; I cannot see myself. Nor can I see my friends. As you can imagine this can be rather inconvenient, especially when trying to move gracefully in a crowd or fix my mane. If you could kindly arrange for someone to die infront of me i would be most apprreciative

yours sincerley, Seabiscuit

Snape Fan

*mumbles, how did I come to this? Replying to a horse..*

Dear Seabiscuit,

If only you had come to me with this problem back when I had my last "occupation" I could supply you with many victims.

The only advice I can give you is to attend Professor Lockhart's next dueling class, as he is sure to kill someone. *smirks*

Professor Snape

Scapegrace

Severus,

Is there some kind of potion that will remove these nasty unicorn blood stains from my robes?

V

Snape Fan

Dear V,

No

Severus

I have been in contact with two students of yours; a H. Granger and G. Weasley, who are co-presidents of my fan club at your school. They mention we have some similarities? (I'm not sure what they mean).

I am a movie actor and will shortly be filming a movie in which I have been cast as a wizard. Your students suggested I write you to get some hints. They mentioned something about you not liking foolish wand waving, so I'm hoping we can meet and you can give me some direction. Perhaps you can guide me in my outfit?

Sincerely,

Alan Rickman

Scapegrace

Mr. Rickman,

No I will not direct you or guide you or any other thing! I am a teacher not your personal assistant! Yes, I do dislike foolish wand-waving. However, an intellegent wand-wave can save your life someday. Miss Granger and Miss Weasley are two babbling idiots. Please do not take them seriously and never spend any amount of time alone with them in a room. Now, I have important work to do so if you don't mind....um, you're an actor, you say? You wouldn't, by any chance, have done a musical now, have you? Because if you have, well, I might find a bit of time after my last class on Friday in order to show you around the castle. Have you ever met Shirley Jones? Could you get me her autograph?

Professor Snape

Snape fan

Dear Professor Snape,

As a matter of fact, I do know Shirley Jones. I visit her quite frequently when I am in California. I'll be happy to get you her autograph. I look forward to meeting you.

Alan Rickman

Scapegrace

"Oh dear, what have I done? That muggle actor is now coming here after my last class today!" *Runs over to cabinet and stuffs several porn magazines inside* "Can't let him find me with these!" *Dashes off to find Filch to have him clean up the dungeons*

Mr. Rickman,

I welcome your visit but must warn you, there are many things here which might shock or disturb you so, please, come with an open mind.

*shoves a nudey calendar in top desk drawer**locks drawer*

I hope you bring some sort of bodyguard as I'm sure Misses Granger and Weasley will be stalking your every move.

*removes 2 love potion bottles from cabinet and stows them below a floorboard in study**throws rug over top*

Headmaster Dumbledore will see to it you find platform 9 and 3 quarters where you will board the Hogwarts Express.

*grabs half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's from nightstand and stores back in a hidden bar under the wash basin in potion lab area*

I will have our groundskeeper Hagrid meet your train as you will need assistance in locationg our school.

See you soon,

Professor Snape, exhausted yet, excited.

Snape fan

*checklist for Mr. Rickman:

1. teach how to sneer and smirk

2. teach how to move gracefully and quietly in billowing cloak (black of course)

3. teach no foolish wand waving, wandless magic is sooo handy sometimes *smirk*

4. teach bottle fame speech

5. keep him away from stalking students and foolish professors

6. definitely keep him away from that idiot Lockhart

7. depending on my mood, might let Flitwick show him "swish and flick method

8. Warn him not to accept any sweets from Dumbledore

9. teach him to speak in low tones to scare students

10. Get autographed picture of Shirley Jones

hmmmm, maybe he should stay overnight and view my first year

Gryffindor/Slytherin potions class

Miss Weasley,

Not writing this in conjunction with your cohort Miss Granger? Going behind her back perhaps? What a very Slytherin thing to do *smirks*

Why ever would you think Mr. Rickman is coming to visit? *dashes off quick note to Hagrid to tell him to keep Mr. Rickman's visit secret* Even if he was, do you honestly think he would want to be stalked by you two? You would probably scare him away and put professional stalkers to shame!

That being said, I think you and Miss Granger need to report to "Professor" Trelawney this afternoon for some detention - I will see to it she keeps you busy.

Now don't bother me again with questions of Mr. Rickman! *takes one last look around at his clean rooms and nods*

Professor Snape

Rumor has it that that suave and oh so handsome muggle actor, Mr. Rickman is coming to visit you today..is there a reason that I, as Deputy Headmistress (a fact I have to keep remind you) was not informed of this little fact? Did it slip your mind per chance? Trying to keep him away from the rest of the faculty?? How rude! I will expect the two of you in my office for tea later today! *runs off to get herself ready, mumbling how much she loved him in Galaxy Quest*

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Oh Minerva, you sex-starved Scotswoman!

Do you really think he wants to stop by your office and have Tartan Toffies shoved under his nose?!

I have enough problems trying to sort out the logistics for dinner to keep Lockhart from brushing up against his leg under the table!

*heavy sigh* *(wonders whether this is all worth it)*

Oh, all right, you silly witch, we'll make it a point to stop in and say hello. But please NO Toffies!!!

*begins humming Marion, Madam Librarian*

Severus

Professor Trelawney says she will not accept me in her class for detention since I am not one of her students and I have no "gift" of an "inner eye", or some such rubbish.

Does this mean I can come down and see Alan when he gets here?

I want to show him some literature I have printed out for S.P.E.W. and ask if he will appear at a charity dinner to raise money for our cause.

You can also sign up for S.P.E.W. in front of him. That would make you look really good! Don't you want him to think you're really a nice guy?

Hermione Granger

Snape fan

*sighs heavily* Miss Granger,

Please don't worry your bushy little head about detention with Sybil Trelawney and her moronic "inner eye" and "gift" rubbish. I have arranged for you to have detention with Filch instead inside the Forbidden Forest. *smirks*.

No, you will not show Mr. Rickman (don't you dare call him Alan) your S.P.E.W. junk - if anything, he will be joining P.E.E. and I certainly won't be joining anything in front of you or him! I don't need that to look good *preens* He is already aware I am a "nice" guy.

Now, after you read this, report to detention! Mr. Filch is waiting

Professor Snape,

Member, P.E.E.

Is it true Alan Rickman is coming to Hogwarts? He will certainly want to see me so he can get some acting advice from an expert. I bet he hasn't been on as many magazine covers as me! And it just so happens I have a copy of one of my older books, Prancing with Pixies, which I'm sure he'll find extremely interesting. Just tell me what time he's coming and I'll be in your office. Perhaps you, Lupin and I should put on a dueling competition for him? That way he can see an expert at work with two able assistants! I'll contact Lupin immediately! I'm so excited.

See you later,

Gildroy

Scapegrace

Dear Mr. Rickman,

I'm writing this in hopes that you have been able to put aside the sad turn of events that transpired not a few short hours ago.

It was inevitable really.

I should have expected it.

I never realized just how popular you are with these Hogwarts students and I can only say "I'm sorry" so many times.

*takes a swig from nearly empty Jack Daniels bottle*

It's really that hag McGonnagal's fault.

If she hadden't blabbed her mouth off to everyone in the teachers lounge how she was having "Mr. Rickman for tea in her office," there would have been no problems.

But after that moment, every female (and some certain "males") within the walls of Hogwarts were all giddy with excitement at your arrival.

Apparently that Granger and Weasley were also to blame.

I can't believe they arranged for all of the Hogwarts elves to go on strike and cause a disturbance upon your entering the school. (I, sir, for one certainly do not believe you are a scab in any way!)

I really don't blame you for wanting to leave immediately, (who needs that type of negative publicity).

*takes another swig, draining the bottle completely*

Who would have expected McGonnagal to run forward and hurl her plaid-clad body upon your back and shout, "Oh,no you don't you beautiful hunk of,...", what was it? I couldn't make out her banshee-like shreiking."You're coming into my office if I have to drag you in myself! Aaaayyyeeee!!"

(Rest assured Granger, Weasley, AND McGonnagal had a good talking-to from Dumbledore afterwards and all three are now serving detentions supervised by him personally.) (I believe he's making them sponge-bathe several mountain trolls). hehe,heh.

At any rate, I do hope you try again to visit us here. We really are a good lot. There's just a few of us that make it all look bad, (that man was Lockhart, by the way. The Ministry of Magic have taken him into their custody where he will be spending a short stay until transferred to St. Mungos for "treatments". I really hoped he had had clothes on underneath that raincoat. Alas, I was wrong.) *heavy sigh*

I suppose that my chance for a Shirley Jones autograph is now just a pipe dream. Well, I'll always have this Carousel poster Dumbledore bought me (as a condolence offering upon your departure) to gaze upon her beauty.

Sincerest Regrets

Severus Snape

*more heavy sighing*

*goes to under-the-sink-stash and pulls out another full bottle of Jack Daniels...*

"Poor Judd is dead. Poor Judd Frye is dead...."

Please can you come to the MoM with some bail money and a reccomendation of my good character so that these trolls will release me? I'll be good. I swear.

I'll never do it again.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Please help.

Please!

Gilderoy

Snape fan

Professor Snape,

Or may I be so bold to call you Severus? Certainly, I don't blame you for the events that happened today. I am somewhat used to being mobbed, just not thrown to the floor and pounced upon by older women...ah well, thank you for pulling her off me.

I would like to try my visit again and will look forward to hearing when I may come visit. Can I come during a time you are teaching so I may observe?

I have already had a sincere apology from Misses Granger and Weasley, and from some creature called Dobby I believe? Of course, maybe the apology was so they could meet me again when I visit? You know them better than I.

I will bring your autographed picture next time I visit.

Please make sure that Gildroy creature is NOT there!

Sincerely,

Alan

We sent our apologies to Mr. Rickman like you asked. We're so sorry for what happened, but really, it was more Professor McGonagall's fault than ours - she did push us out of the way in her hurry to get to Mr. Rickman.

Do you think we could possible meet him next time he comes? We promise to be good.

Thank you,

Hermione and Ginny

Aahylia

Gilderoy,

My, my, my, are we in a tight pickle! A man of your.....intelligence should see jail term as an advantage, my dear sir.

Think...with your glorified looks and...ahem...charms, you will be quite popular in your new enviornment....you will have gentlemen literally fighting over you for a "private" appointment (winks at his assistant whom is now furiously signing autographed pictures of Snape for all of his newfound fans). Fame is a fickle friend, Lockhart, you said it yourself.

Just think of all the books you can write about the experience....let's see: Midnight "Love" Express, "The Lavendar Mile: Home Decor in Confined Spaces," Tight Cheeks of ...ooh wait, somebody's at my door.

"Ah ladies, ladies, come in...I'll be right with you.

"Colin...GET OUT!!!"

Sorry mate, but I have company, good luck and remember, bend your legs to pick up your soap.

Yours truly,

Profesor Snape

Snape fan

*scrolling back through all letters...why is that name familiar?*

ahhhh yes..

Dear Miss Aahlyia72,

Weren't you the one who wanted to go to the Yule Ball with me? I thought so...and I believe I told you NO...therefore, while everything you said is true, your letter sounds more like something Gildroy Lockhart would receive...I'm almost tempted to send this one to him, but I don't think he could handle the competition. *smirks*

As you you girl, I hope this will be the last letter like this I receive from you...I'm tired of them...go away...

Professor Snape

Witch Weekly's new Cover Man

You have a lot of nerve! Just wait until I get my hands on you! First of all, I did not sound like a banshee; the very idea that you could associate that name with me...

For your information Sir, I tripped, I did NOT throw myself at Mr. Rickman. As if I would ever do something like that? Is it my fault Sprout and Hooch are in love with Alan Rickman and practically forced the information out of me?

And as for that detention....don't think I didn't see that smirk all over your face as Albus announced Granger and Weasley's punishment...this is all your fault.

By the way, is he going to come back?

Minerva

We sent our apologies to Mr. Rickman like you asked. We're so sorry for what happened, but really, it was more Professor McGonagall's fault than ours - she did push us out of the way in her hurry to get to Mr. Rickman.

Do you think we could possible meet him next time he comes? We promise to be good.

Thank you,

Hermione and Ginny

Scapegrace

Miss Granger, Miss Weasley,

I hope the two of you learned a valuable lesson today about NOT stalking and wasting the time of important people who actually have a life (unlike you two.)

I also know the only reason that you both are even bothering to write me is that you believe I will somehow get you in to see Mr. Rickman.

Well, I'm writing to tell you I have heard from him and he does plan to return, but I will not give out the time nor the date.

He will be polyjuiced into someone else and you will never know who it is.

Also, he says he will give me two signed autographs of himself for me to pass on to you after he leaves. So you can stop pestering me about this whole matter!

However, in order to receive these two signed photos from me you will be passing out this P.E.E. literature that Dobby has kindly provided. (While he does enjoy his newfound freedoms, his heart goes out to his fellow elves who just want to keep things the way they are).

I shall leave these leaflets outside my office in a box for you to distibute in the town of Hogsmeade this weekend.

Professor Snape,

Protection of Enslaved Elves President ( P.E.E.P.)

Is it true that our son was exposed to full frontal nudity by one of the faculty at Hogwarts?

We understand this occured during a visit by a muggle moving pictures star which was arranged by YOU!

Draco tells us the experience has caused him permanent mental stress and we are now contacting our lawyer.

See you in court!

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy

Snape fan

Dear Pot (as in the pot calling the kettle black!)

Considering that the two of you are reknown for walking around your own house naked, I don't know why Draco is now suffering "permanent mental stress" as you put it. Can you say penis envy Lucius? *smirks* Although I will agree that seeing Lockhart naked is a troubling sight for anyone, I did notice that Draco practically pushed everyone out of the way to get to the front of the crowd...I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions *laughs loudly*

Yes, there was a muggle movie actor here and he will be returning. Draco however will not be invited to be anywhere near him so as to recover from his "stress."

Feel free to contact your lawyer if you like...I'm sure he will be more than happy to take some veritaserum and share the joys of some of your parties to the court. *smirks*

Severus

Is there a reason you ignored my note to you? Perhaps it got lost among all your "fan letters?" I'll remind you again that I am Deputy Headmistress of this school! I noticed you managed to respond to Misses Granger and Weasley, but not me...are they part of your fan club? Anyway, I will resend my letter to you...please respond this time!

You have a lot of nerve! Just wait until I get my hands on you! First of all, I did not sound like a banshee; the very idea that you could associate that name with me...

For your information Sir, I tripped, I did NOT throw myself at Mr. Rickman. As if I would ever do something like that? Is it my fault Sprout and Hooch are in love with Alan Rickman and practically forced the information out of me?

And as for that detention....don't think I didn't see that smirk all over your face as Albus announced Granger and Weasley's punishment...this is all your fault.

By the way, is he going to come back?

Minerva

Scapegrace

(SF, so Lucius and Narcy are nudists now, eh? That was good for some coffee going up my nose this morning- thank you very much!)

Minerva,

I was ignoring your letter due to the fact that it's filled with inaccurasies and denial.

It most definately was you who very willingly accosted poor Mr. Rickman.

And you did indeed receive punishment along with Weasley and Granger to atone for your misbehavior. (Have you written to apologize to Mr Rickman yet?)

I don't believe the urging-on by Professor Sprout and Madam Hootch can be an excuse for your unbridled behavior. "They made me do it" is really beneath you, isn't it Minerva?

To answer your question; yes, Mr. Rickman will be returning to observe me in my classroom to gain an insight into a Master at work. However, he will be disguised so as not to draw attention to himself this time. (And don't be looking for new transfer students or anything! I could just as easily change him into a cat like yourself and no one would be the wiser!)

Severus

(Oh, by the way. What's it like washing a trolls genitalia?) *snicker snicker*

We are having some difficulty with a recently incarcerated inmate. He insists that you and he are lovers and that you will be coming for him shortly to have him released into your custody.

Is this true?

He does seem to have several photos of himself and another man he claims is you in compromising positions.

We've checked out these photos in our lab, and it is difficult to decide, but we believe it is some sort of white-masked Death-Eater. (That or possibly The Phantom of the Opera Guy.)

At any rate, will you be coming for him or not?

(He's quite popular among our inmates as they all seem to want him as their "mate". Yet, he screams out your name and calls for you even now. I don't believe he enjoys all the attention.)

Seargent Smythe

Scapegrace

Dear Professor Snape,

Does Alan Rickman smell as dreamy as he looks? What cologne does he wear? Did you get to shake his hand? If you did, can I touch your hand? When will he be back? How can I get to see him? Can I help you tidy up your office? Will you tell Mr Rickman I asked about him? Can you try to get a lock of his hair for me? Do you think he likes brunettes? Will you tell him I said hello?

Professor Sinestra

Snape fan

Sinestra,

1. I don't know, I didn't smell him.

2. I have no idea what, if any cologne he wears, nor do I have any intention of asking *rolls eyes*

3. Yes he shook my hand.

4. NO you cannot touch my hand or any part of me

5. None of your business

6. Go to the movies if you want to see him

7. Are you a house elf? If not, then I don't need help cleaning my office.

8. No I won't tell him.

9. No, I will not get a lock of his hair.

10. I don't know if he likes brunettes.

11. No I won't tell him you said hello

Any other lame-brained stupid questions?

Severus

Just let me know a good time for me try another visit - my schedule is free right now.

Is there something wrong with those house elves? One of them, Dobby, I think his name is, keeps coming to visit me, then bangs his head against a wall. I'm quite worried about him. I even joined P.E.E. in hopes he would stop, but no luck so far. He just said Miss Granger would be extremely upset...

Sincerely,

Alan

P.E.E. Member

Scapegrace

Mr. Rickman,

I have been preparing a polyjuice potion for you to use on your next visit.

Fortunately, I had already begun this potion weeks ago as I was planning to use it for spyin.....well, it's best you not know about that.

This potion will enable you to be in my classroom disguised as another living being in order to watch me as I work. I'm nearing the completion and need to know what or who you would like to be transformed into so that I might obtain a part of that person or creature to include in the potion.

What do you think would work best?

Any new person would be noticable, and any double of someone else wouldn't work either.

Any creature you change into must be at least intelligent enough to understand humans, ie. a cat, dog, rat, etc. Something lower on the food chain wouldn't do you much good as that would also decrease your intelligence. How could you understnad my brilliant cut-downs of the students in that case?

Well, what, or who, will it be?

Professor Dumbledore suggested himself.

He said he would remain hidden in his office while you posed as him observing me as part of a teacher review.

But then you'd have to be transformed into a 300+ year old man. *shutters* I'll leave the decision up to you.

Professor Snape.

(Oh, and I'm glad to hear you are now an active P.E.E. member! Long Live P.E.E.!)

What do you think of these great shots I took of Mr. Rickman during his short visit with us here?

This one has him stepping out of the carriage just as my brother Dennis hurled that green paint towards the thestral. (He's really sorry about the bad aim and we hope Mr. Rickman got all of the paint out of his hair, eyes, ears, nose and mouth.)

Here's one where Professor Dumbledore came out to help Mr. Rickman and slipped in the paint falling onto the thestral which bit Mr Rickman in the foot.

Here's Professor Mcgonnagal shoving people out of the way and lurching forward towards Mr Rickman who is hopping on one foot in pain.

Here are the angry house elves running forward and shouting "Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab!" at poor Mr Rickman who's seeing Prof. McGonnagal coming and starts to turn back toward the carriage.

Here was when, just after Prof McG. pounced and I dropped my camera in all the excitement but then picked it up just in time, Professor Lockhart entered into the picture and tried to get Mr Rickman's attention.

Here you are helping Mr Rickman up just as Professor Lockhart exposes himself to everyone. I really like this one!

Here Mr Rickman is taking off on a green-splashed thestral back to London just after it broke loose from the coach.

Smashing aren't they?!

I submitted them to the Quibbler and they are putting them on the front page in tomorrow's edition!!!!!!!!

They even paid me! My first paid photo job!

They said I'm sure to win a lot of awards for capturing a thestral on film AND including a famous celebrity in the shots as well!

My mum and dad are so proud.

Oh, and, can you give me Mr. Rickman's address as my parents have said I need to write to him and apologize about the paint.

Thanks!

Colin

Snape fan

Mr. Creevey,

As usual, you failed to follow my orders, and as such, you will be spending the rest of the year in detention with Mr. Filch. As a matter of fact, both you and your brother will be doing that! *smirks* Your camera has also been confiscated until the school year ends.

Professor Dumbledore and I have been in touch with the Quibbler, and they have agreed not to run any of those pictures you took.

*smirks to self - how unfortunate for Minerva that the Quibbler will be running the picture of her shoving people out of the way* *snickers loudly and sends note to Filius to read tomorrow's edition of the Quibbler*

Professor Snape

My first thought was I should impersonate the Headmaster, but if the children saw him in the classroom, they might be on their best behavior, and I really would like to observe your class as they interact on any given day.

Since you suggested an animal, how about an owl and I sit way up on the rafters? I was going to suggest a cat, but didn't you tell me once that that crazy woman McGonagall could turn into a cat sometimes? She might be able to sniff me out as an imposter!

Looking forward to my next visit,

Alan

P.E.E. member

Scapegrace

Mr Rickman,

Well then. The Great Horned Owl it is.

I have one named Screech from which I can take a feather from for the potion. Now, about your arrival time. How about next Monday during lunch as all the students will be in the Great hall eating.

I understand that you now have a green thestral named Seabiscuit with which you can return here with. (A good thing you are a most excellent rider!)

You may wish to wash it clean so as not to draw any more muggles' attentions. *wonders if Alan has seen death.* Make sure you have a good hold of it before cleaning off the paint as this may render it invisible.

Looking forward to visiting with you.

Plan to stay overnight. We'll watch a couple of good flicks while you're here. (I now have a modest selection to choose from. Or bring one of your favorites).

Professor Snape

It has come to our attention that you are now the president of a new group known as P.E.E. and have filed for tax-exemption status for your group. Please fill out the enclosed forms and include a detailed report on just exactly what sort of group this is and why you feel it qualifies for tax-exempt status.

sincerely,

the Ministry of Magic

Snape fan

To: The Dunderheads at the MOM

From: Professor Snape

RE: Tax-exempt status

Enclosed you will find your forms, filled out as you request. Please note that both Albus Dumbledore and myself are Co-Presidents of this most esteemed organization.

Have you ever had a P.E.E.? Had the urge to P.E.E.? Been to meeting to P.E.E.? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you know that P.E.E. is a group interested in the protection of enslaved elves.

If you have anymore questions, send them to the P.E.E. secretary, Dobby.

Professor Snape

P.E.E.P.

You are my favorite teacher you know. So why do I have to attend D.A.M. (Defense against Mudbloods) class?? I am above that sort of thing as a pureblood! And why is Professor Lockhart teaching them? Please get me out of this class immediately or I will tell my father.

Draco

Scapegrace

Mr. Malfoy,

I have already informed your father that you are taking this D.A.M. class. And you shall continue taking the D.A.M. class until you have demonstrated to me that you can protect yourself against a little girl!!!

And fear not. For Lockhart is now incarcerated and will not be teaching any D.A.M. class now or ,hopefully, ever.

Now be a good student and fetch me my owl Screech from the owlry. I have important business to take care of.

Prof. Snape

Hem hem.

We at the Ministry do not think it is a good idea for one such as yourself to be associating with muggles. Especially on school grounds.

Please rethink this, hem hem, newfound friendship as it has already besmirched your previously unblemished record.

Mr. Lucius Malfoy has made us aware that his son has had a severe reaction to being visually assaulted my a staffmember while a Muggle actor made an appearance at the school.

And now Mr. Malfoy tells us his son was so traumatized that he is taking an extra class on self-defence against these muggles.

Professor Snape. I urge you to consider the circumstances and the situation that you are now in (and please remember that I control which groups make tax-exempt status and which do not) and do the responsible thing in this, hem hem, matter.

Doloris Umbridge

Tax-Exempt Status Towards Independant Citizens League Expert

(T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E.)

Snape fan

Ms. Umbridge,

I will decide whom I associate with, if you please. When I want your opinion on that, or any other facet of my life I will let you know. Please hold your breath until that day happens.

As for associating with muggles on school grounds, well all I can say about that is I associate with them when muggle parents come to visit their children. Enough said on that fact.

Mr. Malfoy's son couldn't wait to get a glimpse of that staff member, so I don't know what his father is complaining about. His son is a wimp, and got punched by a girl and so must take an extra class. And why you listen to a man who is sitting in cell #23 in Azakban, I don't know.

As for the tax-exempt status...I frankly don't care if you grant it or not; Professor Dumbledore and myself can probably handle all expenses ourselves, so just keep your nose out of our business.

I daresay your T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E. organization is the closest way you will get to the real thing so you must take what you can get. *smirk*

Professor Snape,

P.E.E.P. and proud of it

I can't remember the last time I have been so humilated in my life! The shame of having to be in detention with two students, and students of my own house is something I will never forgive you for!

As for troll genitalia, I cannot believe Albus made me do something like that. *shudders* It's a conspiracy between you two..or you two and Filius and Remus. I will get to the bottom of this and when I do, the four of you will wish you had never been born. This is war!!

I can only hope Mr. Rickman is not going to model his character on you...I need to speak with him to let him know the truth about how petty you are, how you treat the students, etc. I really think he should sit in on one of my classes (I am Deputy Headmistress you know) to see how a "fair" teacher interacts with the class.

So when is he coming again?

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Oh bloody hell.

Minerva,

Alright! Enough!

If I tell you when Mr. Rickman is coming again you must promise me you will not disturb the poor man.

He needed twenty stitches in his left foot thanks to Seabiscuit and had to wear a back brace for a week thanks to your feline, cat-pouncing antic.

He is arriving on Friday of next week. Again, that's Friday. Now do leave me be as I have so many things to get ready.

Severus

*heh heh heh*

Snape fan

Severus,

Did you see the look on Minerva's face this morning when the Quibbler came out? The look on her face was priceless! *laughs loudly*

You know, she had the nerve to tell me Mr. Rickman would have no interest in my "swish and flick" method the day she mentioned him coming here (shouted to the rooftops more like) so I stayed away from the Great Hall...and I missed watching her act like a giddy teenager. This picture more than makes up for that, and I thank you!

It now holds center stage in my classroom, as I have decided to not use the feather anymore to my first years. They will now swish and flick Minerva's picture! *snickers*

Better watch out for her though - she was giving you some nasty looks, even though Albus told her you both went to the Quibbler offices and made them promise not to run any of the pictures Mr. Creevey took. Albus did wink at me though, and I notice he was trying very hard not to laugh. You, of course, managed to keep quite the poker face!

Thanks again,

Filius

Scapegrace

Filius,

You are more than welcome.

The old prune had it coming.

I don't know how many times she has nagged me about Mr Rickman's next visit (don't worry, I've taken care of that one), and her constant remindings of "Deputy Headmistress" status were intolerable.

I did so enjoy her twisted agonizing faces as she looked over her copy this morning.

Did you see her try to rip Pamona's copy out of her hands as she pretended to reach for the creamer? Ha! I must congratulate Pamona on her quick reflexes and well placed bite mark across Minerva's wrist!

Severus

Snape fan

Severus,

Just a short note to let you know that Lockhart has been released and will be here Tuesday night for his weekly dueling club meeting.

I expect you and Remus to "assist" *chuckles* him. I think the students will be very interested in seeing how one defends oneself against two "enemies."

I am owling Remus to let him know.

Lemon Drop?

Albus

P.E.E. member

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

They're letting him out so soon?!

Fortunately, Mr. Rickman will be gone by then.

Yes, I too look forward to dueling with Mr Fancy Pants.

Remus and I will teach him a thing or two. Heh, heh.

Prof. Snape

Here's the liquor you ordered. The G.Q. and Playboy mags too. More muggle movies and muggle snacks. Are you starting to like muggles or are you expecting a muggle, as these are all muggle items?

Filch

Snape fan

Filch,

Expecting a muggle? Whatever do you mean man? *smirk* They are for the Muggles Studies class - I was asked to pick them up as their professor has NO clue about the muggle world. The magazines are for the professor I hope as the students should not be seeing those. Although I'm sure Mr. Potter is very comfortable with them. *sneer*

I've never hated muggles - some things in their world can be useful, such as their liquor. *smirk*

Did we do something wrong in another world? Does Lockhart have a death wish? *chuckles* That man has more lives than a cat and he keeps coming back to Hogwarts.

I was going to suggest getting together to strategize, but then I remembered whom we are dueling...two on one should be most interesting for the students and fun for us.

The only question is should we both hit him with a spell at the same time or go easy on him so he lasts longer? *laughs loudly*

Filius asked to attend also, since he is a dueling master. Perhaps Lockhart can give him some coaching too?!

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

I don't think having Flitwick there will be of much help. The two of them swishing and flicking together might make the students a bit too...giddy. I do like the idea of taking our time to eliminate him as this will make him come to realize, between the thrashings, just how pathetic and ill-prepared he is.

I'm perfecting my "boils-on-the-bum" curse on one of McGonnagal's caged baboons she keeps in her class. I haven't used this curse since we were kids. Remember? *heh, heh*

Well, I must be off.

I have a special guest arriving at lunchtime.

Snape

I couldn't help but notice the strange items Filch has been bringing in for you. Whiskey. Gentlemen's magazines. Muggle films. What are Doritos anyway? I do believe you are preparing for Mr. Rickman's arrival again and I have alerted the other members of our group.

You remember.

The Hogwarts Alan Rickman Pals International Enthusiasts Society.

(H.A.R.P.I.E.S.)

We are on the watch! We are ever-alert! We will not be denied this time!

Prof. McGonnagal,

H.A.R.P.I.E.S. President

Snape fan

Minerva,

Please let me be the spy here at Hogwarts - you have no clue what you are talking about - as usual *smirks*

While I'm sure Filch would be honored to know that a bunch of harpies are watching his every move, I'll have you know that the Muggles Studies Professor asked me if I could obtain those items for you. She's scared of Filch you see and asked me to be the go between.

As I'm sure you remember, you and Lockhart managed between the two of you to scare Mr. Rickman away and he was adamant about never stepping foot in this place again (*smirks because that statement is technically true - Mr. Rickman will be an owl by the time he returns here*)

By the way Minerva, just who are the other members of your H.A.R.P.I.E.S group? Sprout was so embarassed by what you did, she's barely speaking to you - and we all know Hooch bats for the other team.

I have alerted Albus to your intentions. I think you'll be getting a message soon to see him. *grins widely*

Now, if you don't mind, Lupin and I have to plan our dueling strategy against the "almighty" Lockhart.

Severus

F.A.R.M. (friend of Alan Rickman)

We wish you and Professor Lupin would cease and desist you little antics in our store everytime you see a customer pick up one of Gildroy Lockhart's books.

Is it really necessary to read passages aloud then make snide comments?

And really, don't you think you two should be above trying to act out some of his more daring escapades? We had to send that customer to St. Mungos to get rid of that boils-on-the-bum hex (we don't approve of duels in our store, thank you), then try and point out where he made a mistake (in your opinion).

Gildroy Lockhart is a very brave man who has done a lot for our community and you two are making fun of him.

Please take your "business" to Flourish & Blotts.

We are looking into legal action.

Sincerely,

N. Fudge

Manager, Barnes & Noble Wizarding Bookstore

Scapegrace

*mutters to self, Ah, it's nearly noon and all the children are filing into the Great Hall for lunch.*

N. Fudge

The very fact that you can still sell those laughable publications of Lockharts is really a mystery to me.

Who's buying them anyway?

Little old ladies with no means of discovering current events?

I can't for the life of me understand why Dumbledore has agreed to hire Lockhart back. Not after exposing himself in front of the children.

He really must be losing it.

At any rate, you'd do well to put those books for sale in the comedy section. I think they'd sell out over there.

Prof. Snape

Dear Professor,

I noticed you were absent from lunch and I thought I'd stop by and see if you were feeling alright.

However, I see that you are not in your office as well.

This must mean only one thing.......I'm off to inform Minerva immediately after I dash off this note!

She's sure to promote me to vicechair-harpy for this!!!

Poppy

H.A.R.P.I.E.S. member since last Friday

Snape fan

Poppy,

No, I wasn't in my offices when you came, I was in the storeroom checking supplies for the Slytherin/Gryffindor class - you know how inept they are.

Feel free to come to my classroom this afternoon if you like, but you will not find Mr. Rickman here. Your "President" managed to irritate him beyond belief if you remember.

Severus

I have not received your report on cauldron widths yet. I specifically remember telling you that there was a due date on this.

If you like, I can find time in my busy schedule and do this for you, but it is your job.

Could we close this matter by the end of the day tomorrow?

Thank you,

P. Weasley

Assistant to C. Fudge

Scapegrace

"Mr. Rickman, uh, I mean Screech, how are you feeling?

Good. You know I've never tried being an owl. I imagine it would be quite pleasent. Now remember, you must take a drink of the potion once every hour to maintain the transformation. Here, have a bit of a chip while I finish my morning mail before the afternoon class begins."

Weasley ,

If you set foot into my classroom I will personally see to it you never hold a tapemeasure again!

Get stuffed!

Professor Snape

"Ah, here it is."

*removes wand from pocket, points at the Weasley letter, and chants in a low indistinguisable whisper;*

"There. All done. Now ahem, Screech, I really wish you could see the result of that "boils-on-the-bum" curse I've just attached to Mr. Weasley's letter. It really is quite spectacular. But unfortunately, only Mr. Weasley will be viewing (and experiancing) the tragic consequences."

*taps his wand to the letter which rolls itself up and seals with a very fancy script S.S. in wax*

Please don't bother coming as I am entertaining two guests this evening, followed by a duel to the death tomorrow afternoon.

Perhaps you would enjoy working with our care of Magical Creatures professor instead?

Hagrid is his name.

He'll introduce you to some very fascinating creatures residing in our nearby Forest .

I'll inform him to expect you.

All the Best

Snape

Dear Professor,

I decided to take up your offer on a night of muggle movies and mayhem toninght. It could very well be our last night alive since our duel is with Lockhart tomorrow.(I'm shaking in my boots! *snicker, snicker*)

I'm also looking forward to meeting this old friend of yours. You seem so secretive about it, I wonder who it could be.

I hope you remembered to brew my wolfsbane potion. (Don't want any accidents while I'm out there like last time.*nervous laughter*

See you soon.

Lupin

Snape Fan

Severus,

Rumor has it you have a "guest" in your quarters tonight...is it Mr. Rickman by any chance? Albus mentioned he was going to meet with you tonight and I know how sneaky you two are. AND, I understand Remus is there too???? Now that does sound suspicious! I will be down immediately!

Minerva

H.A.R.P.I.E.S President

Cle Anne

Minerva,

Don't be absurd! How many times do I have to explain that Mr. Fancy-Pants Rickman will never set foot in this school again thanks to you!

But since you simply must know what is going on in every one else's private life and have the COMPLETE inability to exercise self control and restraint, I will cut you in on the action.

It seems, dear Deputy Headmistress, that a love affair has been blooming right here at Hogwarts, right under your nose. You see, our own Professor Lupin and Professor Umbridge are having a mindless, passionate affair.

I would have invited you down into the Dungeons to observe their tryst, but I felt they would be a bit too demonstrative for your taste. I know what a delicate stomach you have, and trust me, the sight of the two of them going at it is enough to make the heartiest Wizard lose his dinner.

In short, the sight (and sounds) of Delores letting her hair down, is I fear, more than you could bear. So you best stay far, far away.

I myself plan to run interference for the lovebirds by watching some old Muppet Show episodes in the room of requirement with Albus. The house elves are serving up chicken pot pies on our "Happy Days" T.V. trays.

Now that you are clued in, will you please go back to your Headmistressing duties....whatever they may be???

~~Severus

**walks off humming "It's Not Easy Being Green".

Passion Industries was pleased to receive your order for our "Dungeon Booty Fun Time" Activity Set.

In going over our paperwork, we noticed that though your credit card number was presented and used at delivery, the package was signed for by a "Cleo the N. N. N."

We are concerned and would like to confirm that you recieved your order and that all is well.

~~Richard Longhardstiffandfat

Snape Fan

Dear Mr. Richard,

I'm sure I have no idea who signed for that package, and why did you not have the person who ordered it sign for it? Does your company do business this way all the time???

Since there is no package here in my office, or in my rooms, I am assuming this Cleo person is a thief and I shall report him/her to the appropriate

authorities. Please credit my card!

Prof. Snape

Cle Anne

Mr. Snape,

The name is Mr. Longhardstiffandfat, not "Mr. Richard". However, since you are a loyal customer, I am prepared to make an exception and allow you to call me "Dick".

I found your letter very interesting in light of a little news story from a few years ago that one of my employees brought to my attention.

It seems you had a bit of a run in with the Student Council at Hogwarts. In fact they were calling for your Impeachment due to some alleged misbehavior with a young Intern. Her name, in fact, was Cleo. Isn't that odd?

My employee would not even have remembered it if he wasn't such a fan of knee pad jokes. Apparently quite a few were circulating at that time.

In light of this, I regret to inform you that I will NOT be crediting your card. In fact I am forwarding the bill for a second order placed just today.

In case you are interested, the items delivered were:

A Gary Oldham poster

A set of Pom-Poms and a recording of the background music for Tony Basil's "Oh Mickey"

Pumpkin Flavored Edible Underwear

"Hobbiton Harlot: A Guide to the Most Incredible Sex on Middle Earth" Illustrated Version

2 Cases of Whipped Cream

and bright pink fur covered hand cuffs.

We thank you again for your business. Hope this clears up our little misunderstanding.

Yours Truly,

Dick

Snape Fan

Richard,

Again, I tell you I have no clue as to what you are speaking about.

Hogwarts doesn't have interns, therefore I did not have a run in with one, especially one named Cleo.

As for those items, why in Merlin's name would I want a Gary Oldham poster? Who is that anyway? And as for pink fur covered handcuffs, well there is no way I would ever order an item like that! *shudders*

I have contacted Gringotts and have had my card cancelled as it is obvious that my card has been stolen. Do not write me again!

Prof. Snape

Scapegrace

Cleo darling,

I'm afraid it was a mistake to have you pick up those fun items for our little tryst the other night.

Ah well. At any rate, please return the unused case of Whipped Cream (who knew we'd never get around to the second one?)

*picks up a dart and tosses it at Gary Oldham poster.*

Mr Rickman quite enjoyed the illustrated Version of "Hobbiton Harlot" you left behind.

And he begged to take back with him as a souvenir, the bright pink fur covered hand cuffs. I told him you wouldn't mind and please yes, by all means.

He really was such a delight to have here.

*tosses another dart at Gary*

Oh, and Cleo, next time,I must pick up any items we decide to "share and enjoy" so as not to draw such scrutiny.

You do understand now don't you, dear?

Sevvy-baby

"Yes! Right between the eyes!"

*begins singing, Oh, Sevvy, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blow my mind. Hey Sevvy. Hey Sevvy*

Thank you for the wonderful time I had at your place.

The films were fun, the company was fine and the food was fabulous!

I think I really learned a great deal from observing you as you work and hope to use a lot of it in my new movie.

Tell Lupin I look forward to another chance to visit Hogwarts and hope he will be able to be there then as well.

Here's wishing you two the best of luck in your duel with that nasty Lockhart maniac.

(Zap him once for me, would you?)

Tell your friend Cleo I now have her pink fuzzy handcuffs hanging from my rear view mirror and they look fantastic!

Sincerely,

Your friend.

Alan

Snape Fan

Dear Alan,

Did you enjoy watching a bunch of dunderheads trying to do potions? They were wondering why I did my first year speech all over again, but I felt you needed to hear it. I notice it still put fear into Weasly and Longbottom. *chuckles*

I will pass on your regards to Lupin, as we are meeting soon to go over our dueling strategy. I will make sure we both preserve our memories in a pensieve and we can all look them over later and have a good laugh.

*tosses knife at Gary poster*

Of course, the best part was getting one over on Minerva. *smirks* That woman thinks she is a spy, but as usual, she came up short. I will take great pleasure in letting her know you were here. Better yet, perhaps you should write her and let her know. That will really get her knickers in a twist!

*tosses another knife at Gary poster*

Kind Regards,

Severus

They are having an Alan Rickman film festival in muggle London this Saturday. Will you take us please? We will scrub cauldrons for you and clean your dungeons? Please, sir, the Headmaster said we needed a Professor to go with us. There is even a possibility that Mr. Rickman himself will be there!!!

Thank you,

H. Granger & G. Weasley

Co-Presidents, Alan Rickman Hogwarts Fan Club

Scapegrace

Misses Granger and Weasley,

NO, I will not accompany you two harpies to an Alan Rickman festival!

If ever I wish to see him all I need do is "owl" him.

(He's put me on his "best buddies list!")

Why don't you go ask the Head Harpy herself?

I'm sure she'd be delighted to escort the two of you to this festival.

Though, I don't see how the lot of you will hear any of the movie as you'll all be shrieking so loudly.

I pity the poor movie theater owner.

Professor Snape

Snape Fan

Severus my friend,

Please don't forget your "date with death" tonight in the Great Hall for the dueling club. Do you have your will written? *chuckles*

I hope you are prepared as I think the students need to see an accomplished duelist at work. I hope you and Remus are up to a few hexes and can withstand my power.

See you tonight Assistant!

Gildroy

P.S. Please pass this on to Remus too!

Scapegrace

Lockhart, you Prancing Pony,

I look forward to our meeting tonight.

Yet I'm afraid it is youwho needs to make out a will.

(What will you leave behind anyway? Photos of yourself? Who would want them? Your mummy?

Clothes so outlandish that even Liberachi, were he still alive, would reject them?)

Don't worry about Lupin.

He will be there tonight as well.

Prepare to die!

Snape,

Assistant to no one!

Snape Fan

Severus,

That idiot Lockhart keeps bombarding me with owls asking if I'm ready to "back you up" as he so very eloquently puts it. Are you sure we can't accidently use Avada Kedavra on him? I am almost tempted to let him take me down to watch his stupid grin as he gets ready to "finish you off." Then we can both ambush him.

Honestly, isn't there a law against such stupidty as him? Do you know he is going to be signing books before the dueling club starts? Can we set the table on fire? *snickers*

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Let's just see how big he talks once we've had a go at him.

Snape

Can you please give me some advice on how to become more assertive.

People don't respect me like they do you.

I'm afraid all I can ever do is take orders from others.

But I'm tired of this and want to change.

Please help me.

I'm really fed up with having to milk Nagini.

Wormtail

Snape Fan

Wormtail you idiot,

Why don't you go ask your idiot friends on how to be more assertive? Oh, that's right, you can't, two of them are dead and one isn't speaking to you anymore! *smirks*

Why don't I just pass on this note to the Dark Lord and see what he thinks about you milking Nagini? *laughs loud*

Snape

Severus,

I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed watching your Potions class and to see a real Master at work!

Being an owl is certainly an experience I won't soon forget - and a good disguise for the next time I come to visit. If you will be so kind to ask me again that is!

I would like to invite you, Remus and Albus to dinner with me in London. Let me know a day good for you.

The next time you have the dueling club with Mr. Lockhart, could I watch? I think I owe him one for that pathetic display he showed me! *chuckles*

Alan

Aahlyia

Dear Alan,

Of course we would be honoured to join you. How about htis Saturday. We'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks..you know, Minverva's been sleeping with one eye open just waiting to pounce you!

The shameless wench!

Severus

Snape Fan

Severus,

I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed watching your Potions class and to see a real Master at work!

Being an owl is certainly an experience I won't soon forget - and a good disguise for the next time I come to visit. If you will be so kind to ask me again that is!

I would like to invite you, Remus and Albus to dinner with me in London. Let me know a day good for you.

The next time you have the dueling club with Mr. Lockhart, could I watch? I think I owe him one for that pathetic display he showed me! *chuckles*

Alan

Cle Anne

Alan,

Yes, I am quite the master, aren't I?

Certainly you are welcome here anytime. However, I would warn you to watch out for H.A.R.P.I.E.S. Members. They can be a bit pesky, and I don't want them to put you off visiting.

Unfortunately Remus and Albus never eat dinner out. Might I come alone??

Yours Truly,

Severus

Something terrible has happened!! I was on my way to take back that extra case of whipped cream as you instructed when I was kidnapped by a rabid House Elf.

He took me against my will to that villan Black's house where I was tied up by Sirius himself (quite the pleasurable...I mean TERRIFYING experience) and forced to watch old Lassie episodes and sing "Bingo" repeatedly.

Finally the mutt started trying to hunch my leg and I gained the upper hand. I had him flat on his back moaning.....I mean HOWLING with ummm....pain.

Of course I am not the great Wizard that you are and it took me hours and hours of hot panting action....I mean STRENUOUS HARD WORK to bring the dog to heel so to speak.

Thank goodness it was I your loyal servant who was in this fix and not one of those weak, foolish Snape Sisters that harbor secret fantasies for Black.

I finally got away and plan to return as soon as possible.....to the Dungeon.

Mysteriously, all the whipped cream is gone. Damn House Elf must have ate it.

Yours Always,

Cle

P.S. Thank you for understanding about the mix up with the Gary Oldham poster. Of course I would never order that item. I ordered item #456 (black silk scarves) not item #465 (Gary Oldham poster) those employees simply can't get anything right!! By the way, perhaps I could throw it away for you? The dust bin is on the way to my private quarters........

Snape Fan

Severus,

Yes you may come alone. Just let me know a good time. I will watch out for the H.A.R.P.I.E.S next time I visit.

Severus

I suppose you think you're something special now? Just because you beat Lockhart (which anyone could do) you probably have an inflated opinion of yourself.

I noticed you and to have Moony help you out. Couldn't do it on your own? Had to have him come to your rescue? So typical of you Snivellus - always have to have someone looking out for you.

Black

Scapegrace

(Cle Anne "hunch" my leg?!

I've always said hump.

Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump.

Black,

Aren't you dead?

Dead as in, "I'm a pathetic loser who tried heroics and failed miserably so now I'm dead."

That kind of dead. What does it take to shut you up?

Lupin and I have been getting along for the moment. It's easy when you share common enemies.

Lockhart, that limp-wristed swish-and-flicker never did know what hit him.

They're still trying to pull out all the ferrets from his ass. (Heh, heh. I'd forgotton that one. Good of Lupin to bring back an old favorite).

Go haunt someone else! (I understand Moaning Myrtle is desparately looking for some company.)

Professor Still Among The Living Snape

Is it true you once posed for a Calvin Klein ad in your tighty whities? R.W.

Aahlyia

Mr. Weasley,

No, but not for lack of invitations and money offers.

Tell me, boy. Are you digging me or something? Why don't you go and hit on Hermione, or perhaps, Potter...he seems more your type.

Maybe you can pose for each other in your whitie tighties!

Moron!

Professor Snape

Snape fan

Severus,

I can't tell you how proud I am of you and Lupin! What a masterful display the two of you put on. The students can talk of nothing else this morning, and begged me to show the wand movements you both used. Needless to say, I have not!

I don't know which was funnier - the ferret-out-of-ass spell or the H.A.R.P.I.E.S written on the forehead hex. Did you hear Lockhart? He was more concerned about if it would disappear by his photo shoot tomorrow. *laughs*

I did notice Minerva wasn't too amused by that, but everyone else throughly enjoyed it!

Good Show!

Filius

Cle Anne

Might I interupt with a quick observation?

Quote:

Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump

Becky, this sounds like you have a lot of personal experience with humping. Perhaps you could be called our resident humping expert??

Hunch:

VERB: 1. To get it on. Have sex.

ex. Alan was hot so we hunched.

Scapegrace

Filius,

Thank you for your kind words.

It was a delightful demonstration if I do say so myself.

You know, my dear friend Alan Rickman has said he was interested in watching the dueling club in action.

Perhaps when Lockhart becomes ferret-free and feels up to the challenge, you, he, Lupin, and I can arrange some sort of demonstration for Alan's benefit.

Oh, fear not, you would be on our side too, we'll just let Lockhart fight his battle alone as he once claimed to take on and beat 40 mountain trolls (with only a broken stub of a wand, mind you) in the mountains of Tibet. Remember?

We should pose no problem for him.

Why, after Tuesday's duel he was heard by the crowd as saying, "That was merely a lucky shot", just as a nasty ferret flew from his bunghole and proceeded to bite him in the giblets. (I wince in pain even at the mention of it.) Heh heh.

Severus Snape

Please come to my office. I need to show you some particularly amusing shots Mr. Creevey captured on film of your duel with Lockhart.

You might want to relieve yourself before you view these ,as I have already laughed so hard I seem to have peed in my robes. (Thank God for Depend undergarments!)

Headmaster Dumbledore

Snape Fan

Headmaster,

This should be good - I will be up in a bit. Have you asked Lupin and Filius? I think they would enjoy the pictures also.

I really don't need to know about your undergarments Headmaster and I'll thank you not to mention them again.

Severus

Have you heard anything from Mr. Rickman about his next visit? Have you?? Will you let us know when he is coming back? We still need a chaperone for the film festival this weekend and would love for you to accompany us. You're the best professor here at Hogwarts!

H. Granger

Co-President, Alan Rickman Hogwarts Fan Club

Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

Quote:

You're the best professor here at Hogwarts!

Ha!

I don't think I've ever heard a more hypocritical statement considering it came from you!!!

Why, didn't I tell you, "I could see no difference", when your teeth grew to an enourmous size during class last year?

Didn't you run out of the dungeons bawling like a baby?

Didn't I chastise your best friend, that Potter brat, for bringing a library book outdoors?!

*worries that he might be losing his touch*

I'm deducting 10 points from Griffindor simply because you're being false to yourself.

Now go write me a ten page essay on the importance of being earnest! (ie. sincere).

Professor Snape

Babysitter to no one!

I overheard in The Three Broomsticks, a conversation between Professor McGonnagal and Professor Sinestra about how they plan to crash your party the next time Alan Rickman comes to visit.

They said this time they will be ready and it sounded like they meant it! It was almost like listening to a military strategy meeting. They appear to be much better organized.

Two students, Granger and Weasly, are joining their forces with that of the H.A.R.P.I.E.S. to create some sort of "uber-army."

It sounds as though you're in real trouble now!

Madam Rosemerta

P.S. (Since I gave you this information, do you think you could get me Alan's autograph? Please?)

Snape fan

Rosemerta,

Thank you for passing on this information to me. Professor McGonagall is indeed deluding herself if she thinks she can outwit me, Lupin, Filius and the Headmaster.

She and her H.A.R.P.I.E.S wouldn't know how to create an "uber-army" if their lives depended on it!

I will be happy to get you an autograph since you provided me with this information.

Snape

Scapegrace

Dear Mrs. Shirley Jones,

I'm writing to wish you a very happy 70th birthday and hope you have a wonderful day!

kindest regards,

Severus Snape

Severine Javert

Dear Severus,

I seem to have developed a face on the back of my head. I cackles manicaly at the most inappropriate times and makes sleeping rather difficult. What should I do?

Slatero Quirrell

Scapegrace

Quirrell,

Might I suggest dipping your head into a vat of acid?

Of course, it might not do your regular face much good. However, it should take care of that nasty cackling.

Professor Snape

Snape fan

Professor Snape,

Thank you so much for your kind birthday wishes. I had no idea you were such a fan of mine. I happened to see Alan the other day and he was telling me about his visit with you.

Enclosed, please find an original autographed poster of The Music Man and the DVD. I hope you enjoy this movie as much as you did Carousel.

Sincerely,

Shirley Jones

Try putting the back of your head in a basin of water until the other face drowns. If that doesn't work, go see Percy Weasley at the MoM and talk to him until your extra face dies from bordem.

Snape

Aahlyia

Dearest Severus,

As a present for my 17th birthday my friends gave me X ray vision contacts and I used them yesterday during potions. Not only did I see harry Potter, Draco, Neville in their originals skins, I also got a good and long glimpse of you sir, in YOUR original skin...hm, hm, hm. Mama Likes!!!!!!!!

Sir, are you a muslim? I couldn't help but notice you are NOT circumcised. No matter, it was all good!

Sincerely,

A

Scapegrace

"Miss A,

I've come to you instead or writing to you in order to stress to you the importance of this statement.

There are no such things as x-ray vision contacts!

Otherwise the whole world would be wearing them and no one would be able to concentrate on what they were doing or hearing or reading.

Miss A.... I say, Miss A.... Are you paying attention to me?"

"Are you concentrating on what I have to say?

Why do you look so stunned and glassy-eyed?

And I see you're drooling too.

Take those contacts off immediately!

There is no such thing as x-ray specs! Now stop pestering me!"

*Snape stalks off as aahlyia drops to the floor in a feint*.

Aahlyia,

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Scapegrace...you didn't just do that to me! I ran over to my comuter as my kids were coming back from music and I opened it and screamed!

Needless to say they flocked and i had to hit off button.

So they settled down ":mumbling I am a weirdo".

That is so funny! I couldn't take my eyes off of it long enough to read what he was saying...I 'm on lunch now. GOD that was good!

Scapegrace

Dear Severus,

I was opening my copy of Gentlemen's Quarterly when I spotted this advertisement for Calvin Klein undies with you as their model/spokesman!

Is it true they make you feel like you're wearing next-to-nothing?

Alan R.

Snape fan

Dear Alan,

Yes, it's true. I have requested that they only issue me black ones from now on though. Try them.

Lupin and I will probably have to duel that idiot Lockhart again in a couple of weeks, please consider yourself invited to watch.

Severus

We saw your picture in Esquire magazine!!!!!! Could we please come down to the dungeons and get it personally autographed by you?!!!!

We are on our way!!

H. Granger & G. Weasley

Co-Presidents, Alan Rickman Hogwarts Fan Club

P.S. can we start a Professor Snape fan club?

Scapegrace

*heavy sigh*

Granger and Weasley yet again?

Dear Bane,

I'm sending this note along with two very troublesome female students here at Hogwarts in hopes that you will scare them to their senses.

Use whatever means you feel necessary for them to "see the light"

If any trace of either of them remains after you are through, please send them, or it (entrails and so forth) back to this address as I'm sure their parents will want proof of their demise.

sincerely,

Prof. Snape

(Make sure you spare no hoof!)

*shouts for Filch to go and head off Hermione and Ginny as they begin to descend into the dungeons. Filch hands them the note and points in the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

Dejectedly, the girls start out towards Bane*

My cosmopolitan magazine has an amazing likeness of you in his skivvies. Can this really be you?! And if it is, would you like to have dinner tonight now that my Lucius is ,um, learning a more subserviant role?

Narcissa Malfoy

(I'm especially fond of red).

Aahlyia,

Mrs. Malfoy,

You filandering wench! Narcissa,..I...I..would have thought you more...er..loyal! No matter, I SHALL stop by for a visit, BUT only to "console" you as it must be hard being a young, beautiful, lonely, desperate, frustrated, woman of high esteem with her husband locked away in the "system".

I shall wear the red undies, but that is all I will say of the mattera s their is no need to see them *smirk*.

I'll be there tonight 7:00pm.

Most sincerely yours,

Severus

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

I was wondering what your favorite meal is so that I might have the house elves prepare this dish for you tonight.

And don't worry about dessert. I've got everything you could ever want right here.

(I also understand, from my grocer, you are quite fond of whipped cream. I've got that taken care of as well).

love,

Narcissa

Snape fan

Narcissa,

I've changed my mind. I don't think I want sloppy seconds from Lucius. Or thirds, from what I've heard from others.

As such, I will be having dinner at Hogwarts tonight, then supervising detention.

Severus

As you can tell by my note, I am back on form! You and Lupin were very sneaky with your hexes!

But no worries my friend, I am ready for a rematch. How about a double duel? You and Lupin, and me and a wizard of my choice! What a great way to teach the students to watch their backs.

Lockhart

Witch Weekly's Favorite Cover Man

Aahlyia

Lockhart,

I look forward to it my pal...really, I do! *smirks*

grunt under his breath....

"Always looking for a reason to kick your pansey ass, Lockhart".

Severus

Snape fan

Severus,

Lockhart owled me again...I look forward to another duel with him. I wonder who on earth would be stupid enough to take him on as a partner. This should be fun and educational!

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

I doubt he'll find anybody.

But if he does manage to scare up someone, would you mind my inviting Mr. Rickman up to watch the duel this time? He'd really like to see us in action.

What say you?

Snape

Snape fan

Severus,

I would love to come and observe the next duel you are having with Lockhart. Thank you for inviting me.

Will I have the same disguise I had last time? Or do you think people might get suspicious? I keep getting owles from that H.A.R.P.I.E.S group and from Misses Granger and Weasley asking when I am coming back.

I also think Dobby has been here - my apartment is clean every morning I wake up and breakfast is waiting on the table. Please thank him for me.

See you soon,

Alan

P.E.E. member

Scapegrace

Dear Mr Rickman,

Yes, please come.

I understand Lockhart will be teaming up with a prisoner.

A Mr. Lucius Malfoy.

They are allowing him to fight this duel as a good-will gesture and community service.

He's a tricky one so this ought to be a good match.

I believe your owl disguise will do just fine. No one was the wiser before and I'm certain no one will suspect a thing now.

Dobby shouldn't be sneaking over and cleaning your place. Perhaps he feels this is his way of making up for the elf-strike incident when they shouted at you and drove you away from Hogwarts that first time.

If he bothers you and you wish for him to stop, just say the word and he will never call on you again.

Severus Snape

I can't wait to duel you and that wolf Lupin! You'll pay for trying to steal my wife from me!

True I will have a handicap with that idiot Lockhart on my side. But I will still wipe the floor with you!

The DEs are all counting on me to put you in your place.

Seems like they will be looking for a new Potions Master as well as a DADA teacher this year! Heh heh.

Lucius

Snape fan

Lucius,

Do you honestly think you are a match for either Lupin or myself? I think you are only one step above Lockhart's abilities, and as he has none, that doesn't say much about you does it? Aren't you the one who never dirties his hands and always has someone else do his dirty work for him? Have you ever dueled before? A real one I mean, not the little "duels" you have with Crabbe and Goyle Sr.

*smirk*

As for your wife, as I stated to you both, I don't do sloppy seconds, so your wife is safe from me. Perhaps you should be having this chat with Fudge instead.

I don't think the Headmaster has any intention of searching for a new Potions Master or DADA Professor in the near future - he is confident in our abilities.

Severus

Dueling Master

I can tell by the tone of your letter, you are scared. Never fear, Lockhart can hold his own in a duel with you and the werewolf.

Watch your back!

Lucius

Cell #23, Azakban Prison

Please let me know the time and day of your duel. I am so looking forward to an expert at work. I have been reading up on duels.

Dobby has mentioned to me that he is trying to hide from Miss Granger as she is trying to enlist his help in S.P.E.W.

Perhaps once the duel is over, you, me and Lupin can go out to dinner? My treat!

Alan

Aahlyia

Alan,

The duel willl be this Wednesday evening at 8:00. We are anticipating a private duel with maybe a dozen or so onlookers (Dumbledore and such company).

There will be security trolls patrolling the premises for that old hag, Minerva, and her little warts.

Don't worry about Dobby, he can take care of himself.

I think dinner will be lovely...just make sure you Polyjuice yourself into Umbridge when you come for me! I don't think anybody would dare try to fondle Umbridge even if they think there was a "remote chance it was really you.

I'll send an owl with the potion Wednesday at 7:00pm and a bag of floo powder.

Sincerely,

Snape

Please read the following claim by my client and respond as accordingly.

Patricia Pageturner and Madam Pince(Claimant) VS Severus Snape (Defendent)

The law offices of Strudel and Strudel, ESQ. hereby announce the lawsuit filed against said defendant, Severus Snape (Snape), by Hogwarts Mistress Librarian, Madame Pince, for the following items property of Hogwarts library which have remained in the in the possession of defendant Snape for 3 months to date. The items are as follows:

January 2004 issue :Bewitching Babes of the 21st Century

February 2002 issue :Bewitching Babes of the....

March 2004 issue :Bewitching Babes of the....

April 2004 issue :Bewitching Babes of the....

December 2003 issue: Sexy Witches Gone Wild, Trouble Brewing in the Dungeons.

January 2004 issue: Sexy Witches gone Wild, ....

February 2004 issue: Sexy Witches gone Wild, ....

March 2004 issue: Sexy Witches gone Wild, ....

April 2004 issue: Sexy Witches gone Wild, ....

January -April 2004 issues : Raven Haired Vixens...For Men Who Love to Be Spanked.

January -April 2004 issues : Bouncy Blondes...At Your Service.

January -April 2004 issues : Voluptuous Red Heads...Hot, Hot, Hot!

Book: Sex For Dummies: Bewitch Women To Be Your Love Slaves!

Book: I'm Okay, You're Okay.

Book: Orgasms Made Easy: Releive Yourself On Command.

Book: Men Who Love Their Penisis Too Much.

Book: Swallow Jane Swallow!

Book: How To Sustain An Erection: Early Signs of Impotency.

Book: Anal Retentive? How To Let Loose and Enjoy Anal Stimulation.

Book: The Testacular Book of Oral Production.

Please note that the value of these books is estimated at over 2,367 Galleons and though Madame Pince has sent various letters requesting the return of said items, you, Professor Snape, has refused to cooperate.

Therefore, the courts have no other choice than to bring this case to light on the Eve of April 6th, 2004 at 7:00 pm, at the Department of Mysteries, Dungeon 302.

This is a Subpeona for you to attend your own trial. There will be 12 jurors listening to the prosecution and your defense. Jurors will include a panel of your peers and testimony from Hogwarts students (Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter) as character witnesses.

Presiding the case: Honorable Judge Ultima Manhaitor.

Respectfully Yours,

Able Strudel, ESQ, Attorney for Claiment

C/O

Mister Cornelius Fudge

Minister of magic

Scapegrace

*Snape wakes up from an awful nightmare*

"Oh, thank God!"

*dashes over to his wardrobe and pulls out Orgasms Made Easy: Releive Yourself On Command.*

"I'm so glad I remembered I had this!"

*begins reading...and...stuff...*

Sorry to trouble you, friend, but I'd really rather not be polyjuiced into a toad-like woman as you have described her to me on my last visit.

Would it be too much of a bother to just become an owl again?

I really did enjoy being Screech.

Alan R.

Snape fan

Dear Alan,

Of course you may come as Screech again. Please find enclosed items you will need with this owl. He will stay and accompany you back to Hogwarts.

Severus

As President of H.A.R.P.I.E.S., I am pleased in inform you that we have decided to let bygones be bygones!

Please join us for tea this afternoon, so we may discuss our "differences" regarding Mr. Rickman (Alan).

See you at 4!

Minerva,

H.A.R.P.I.E.S President & Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Minerva, Head Harpie,

Ah, I see, it is nice that you wish to extend the olive branch towards Mr. Rickman. Well, that's entirely between you "gaggle" and he.

I shall write to him and tell him of your wishes. However, he is a very busy man and I'm sure will not be able to attend the tea.

I can attend as his agent/spokesman guarding his interest only on this matter. I will see you at 4:00 for tea.

Severus

Just a reminder to make sure you have your will up to date! *laughs loudly* I have my bag of tricks ready and Lucius and I are ready for whatever you and Remus bring on.

Lucius and I will not go easy on either of you! Remember in my book, Dueling with DeathEaters, how I took out 3 of them at once, and didn't even mess my hair up!

No, my friend, I fear you and Remus are in for a few surprises, but you won't be embarassed too too much!

I have also enclosed my book, Dueling Tips, for you to peruse and maybe give you a few hints.

Gildroy

Aahlyia

Gilderoy,

My friend, now that I have wiped my buttocks with your books, I shall get back to my business. It is you that needs to fear us. Lucius is incarcerated you nincompoop! So you are dueling solo. In that case I shall behold the pleasure of turning you into a pansey myself.

Severus.

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

You left your scarf over here the other night we played...Risk!

I'm enclosing it here along with another piece of rhubarb pie because you loved it so. (Just the right amount of sweet and sour taste that is so you!)

I look forward to another visit and "update" on how my little Draco is doing.

Love, Narcy

Snape fan

Narcissa,

I don't know what you are implying, but we will only be playing the board game Risk, and there will be no "updates" on Draco.

As for the scarf, I only wear a scarf to quidditch games, so that must belong to one of your many other visitors. Your bedroom door does have a revolving door so I hear. *smirk.*

Does Lucius know? *chuckles*

Severus

Looking forward to tomorrow. Do I just fly right to your classroom, or somewhere else?

Those H.A.R.P.I.E.S. won't be around will they? I'm not afraid to say that they scare me!

Alan

Scapegrace

Mr. Rickman,

Yes, do just fly in. The duel will be held in the Great Hall to accomodate the most people.

I hope you enjoy watching others writhe in pain.

It's not for the feint of heart.

Professor Snape

We the H.A.R.P.I.E.S., and friends of Alan Rickman, have spent all day creating these banners and signs for your duel tomorrow.

We want to show our support for you and Prof. Lupin in your upcoming battle against that dreadful Mr. Malfoy and Prof. Lockhart.

We hope that this show of support will win you over in gaining our trust back.

Though our goals are still the same as before, (constant pursuit, idolizing, and adoring Mr. Alan Rickman), we'd also like you to know we're behind you 100% in kicking Malfoy's butt.

We've also got a few cheers organized that will really rock the house tomorrow. See you then!

Minerva

Head H.A.R.P.I.E.

Snape fan

Dear Head H.A.R.P.I.E.

Friends of Alan's? Since when? The man is terrified of you! He has withstood hordes of fans asking for his autograph, but I remember him saying you were the first one he recalled throwing herself at him. The man is scarred for life because of you!

As for the duel, I thank you for your support. I'm sure it will crush Lockhart not to see any fans in the audience. He probably won't even be able to concentrate - of course, he has problems in that area 24/7! *smirks*

Regaining my trust you say? My dear Minerva, we both know you have an ulterior motive in this show of support for me and Remus. You want to get to Alan. Admit it!

See you at the duel!

Severus

S.T.U.D (Sexy, Tall, and Utterly Devestating)

Snape fan

Dear Professor Snape,

I think I might be gay. How can I tell for sure?

D. Malfoy

Scapegrace

Mr. Malfoy,

What does it matter if you are or not?

Just know that you are a Slytherin and, therefore, your ambition and self-preservation will guide you in all matters in life.

Professor Snape

*typing from inside his closet*

I'll be there shortly to begin warming-up with you for "the Mother of all Duels"

Make sure you have your wand in perfect working order!

Mine's ready to go!

Lupin

Snapefan

Remus,

My wand is ready! The question we need to ask ourselves as we warm up, is can we keep from laughing at the "hexes" Lockhart will try and throw at us?

As for Lucius, he has always been under the impression he is a powerful wizard, but it's all in that little mind of his. He never was good at duels. *smirks*

Minerva and her H.A.R.P.I.E. society will be there to cheer us on - isn't that a scary thought? We can only hope they don't wear muggle cheerleading outfits!

Dinner is my treat tonight after the "Mother of all Duels"

Severus

Scapegrace

Dear St. Mungos staff,

I am sending this letter to show my deepest sympathy involving the missing of Easter dinner which, surely, many of you will have to forego now with the admittance of your two newest patients, (Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Lockhart).

I had no idea my dueling partner planned on performing the ferret-out-of-the-ass spell (only this time changing it to rabbit-out-of-the-ass spell in honour of Easter). It took me completely by surprise, and while it was amusing watching them pull the rabbits out of each other,respectively, I cannot imagine what a nightmare it must be for all of you now that they cannot seem to stop the rabbits from "appearing". Heh. Heh.

Ahem. I really expected it to stop by now.

At least you can wash off the cute little bunnies and leave them in your families homes as lovely Easter gifts for all your troubles. (I hope the rabbits aren't too traumatized).

I must admit changing Mr. Lockhart's and Mr. Malfoy's, ahem, manly appendages into carrots was one of my own doings. I don't know what came over me. I really must have a mean streak in me that even I am unaware of until the moment strikes. I only hope not too much was nibbled off by the hungry little rascals. Who would have thought such harmless, adorable-looking creatures could be so vicious and persistant.

*I really must tell Lupin what a genius he is*

At any rate, do try and have a happy holiday. If you do not celibrate Easter, you can always eat the little buggers.

Professor Snape

Dueling Master

Snape fan

Professors Snape and Lupin,

We cannot begin to tell you how much our patients are enjoying the "rabbit show." It is such a hit, we are delaying taking the spell off!

This show has done wonders for some of our more...shall we say...comatose patients? Many have woken up and seem to be aware of their surroundings and calling for "the two clowns" (as Lockhart and Malfoy are so lovingly called) encores!

Mr. Malfoy has been heard to be cursing you and Prof. Lupin to hell and back, but we aren't taking that seriously.

We hope you both have a very happy easter, and keep us in mind the next holiday you two duel them again!

St. Mungo's Staff

That was wicked cool what you and Professor Lupin did!!! Draco didn't think it was too funny, but who cares? (written by Ron Weasley)

Was Mr. Rickman there? I looked for him but didn't see him? Can you please please get me his autograph???? I wouldn't even mind one of the two of you together! (written by Hermione Granger)

That was an awesome display by you and Professor Lupin, Professor Snape. Even Dobby was there and laughing at the rabbits! He suggested you might want to hex Mr. Malfoy with dirty socks next time! (written by H. Potter)

R. Weasley, H. Granger, H. Potter

Gryffindor House

Scapegrace

Granger, Weasley, and Potter,

Stop sending me fan mail! It's beneath me!

*secretly blushing to himself*

And ,NO, Miss Granger, I will not be getting you Mr. Rickman's autograph!

(Although I understand he's prepared a letter and photograph for the Dynamic Dueling Duo now infirmed at St, Mungos).

Professor Snape

P.S.

Lockhart was a Hufflepuff. Was there any doubt?!

Enclosed is a get-well card I had one of my secretaries prepare for me. Will you kindly sign it as well and then have it delivered to Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Lockhart?

I hope they have a sense of humor.

I'll be over later tonight for the after-duelling party you mentioned. Hope to see everyone there!

Sincerely,

Alan

*Snape opens the get-well card*

Dear former Professor Lockhart and Mr. Malfoy,

HOPPY EASTER!!!

Hope this card brings you great cheer and speeds up your recovery. We enjoyed the duel very much.

Best wishes,

Alan Rickman.

*Snape scrawls out "Severus Snape"*

*Laughs himself silly as he addresses the card for St. Mungos*

Snape fan

Alan,

The card was hilarious - I will let you know the response from the "Dynamic Duelers."

The party should be fun - I don't think the H.A.R.P.I.E.S know anything about it. Albus has been very Slytherin in distracting Minerva and company from knowing anything of tonight.

Albus has a giant pensieve that we can all look into and replay the duel! Remus and I are looking forward to seeing it.

See you tonight at 8!

Severus

I suppose you two think you are big heroes now, huh? Everyone is talking about the "big duel." Well, who cares? You were up against two idiots, instead of a real dueler like myself!

And Remus, how could you? We hate Snape, remember? He was always running after us, trying to get us in trouble. What spell did he put on you to suddenly make him your best friend? You really have sunk low.

Don't worry Snivellus, all this adoration won't last long. People will go back to hating you. Remus won't be your friend! Next time, take on a real wizard who does know how to duel!

Black

Scapegrace

Dog-breath,

Why don't you just stay dead?

How is it that you are managing to send me these owls?

Lupin and I are not the best of friends. However, when a chance like this finds its way to us, you can hardly expect us to not go for it!

You sound a bit jealous. Afraid of losing your best buddy? Oh, poor little doggy.

Well, I'm off to prepare a huge victory bash. (You are not invited.) (Not that you could actually come if you were).

What's it like existing behind a veil in another dimention unable to return and forevemore banished from the living?

I should think it was ghastly.

You can't even kill yourself to end it all.

*shudders*

I'm very happy to be here among the living and enjoying life to it's fullest.

Snape,

Alive and well

*throws another dart at the now horribly disfigured poster of Gary Oldman*

Dear Professor,

Did you enjoy the cheers we H.A.R.P.I.E.S had shouted for you? Which was your favorite?

I personally liked the one that went;

Minerva,

p.s. (can we come to the party too?)

Snape fan

Minerva,

I'm sure just the sight of the H.A.R.P.I.E.S with pom poms and cheering like teenages was enough to put the "Dueling Diva's" off their stride (not that they had much to begin with). Lockhart was shocked to find you were actually NOT cheering for him! *laughs loudly*

Yes, I must say, that was one of your better cheers. Next time, please do NOT attempt to try the splits. It was extremely off putting to say the least.

Minerva, isn't begging beneath you? I think the only reason you cheered for us is so you could come to the party. I feel I must invite you for a little while at least, otherwise you will just "storm the fort" so to speak. But you will not stay the entire night!

Severus

Dueling Master and all around SexGod

Do you know how popular you are now? Every student in Hogwarts is talking about you and Prof. Lupin!

I have formed a fan club for you two - S.T.A.R.S. (Syndicate to Adore Remus and Severus)

I can set up duels for you two all over the country. I might even be able to get Mr. Rickman to speak before one of your duels (can I come to the party tonight?)

This is SO exciting! Can we meet tomorrow to set up all the details for this club?

Sincerely,

H. Granger

President, S.T.A.R.S.

Cle Anne

Miss Granger:

Are you not aware that there are laws against stalking? Since merely looking at you gives me a tummy ache, and it is a life ambition to see you expelled, I am going to start my own club--E.G.G.--"Expelling Gastric Granger".

Perhaps you would like to meet to discuss the details?

Darling....I mean Supreme Master,

I have once again been Black's unwilling prisoner for two full weeks. The man is hung like a horse and insatiable.....I mean that gross, disgusting mutt....always trying to hunch and hump away at me.....I barely managed to pull myself away....I mean escape.

While there in his embrace....I mean clutches....I chanced upon some correspondence that would be of much interest to you.

It seems that some of the Snape Sisters have contrived a way into your office and have been corresponding quite frequently with a variety of people.....including a muggle actor named "Alan Rickman". They have held duels with Lockhart and Malfoy and even visited Ms. Malfoy (I'm assuming by utilizing various spells and poly juice.)

All this was done in your name by these shameless vixens!! I know it is shocking, but you must remember....no one is as loyal to you as I am. They even sullied my name by posting fake correspondence between us--me turning you down for a date with Viktor Krum to the Yule Ball! Can you imagine??!!

(I know you are thinking of those nasty rumors about me, Krum and a live chicken, but I swear, Master, those are not true!!) These ladies seem to think I am some kind of shameless hussy!

And Master, they also publicly printed your books on loan from the library list and made several jokes about the length of your *oc*, ruined a Gary Oldman poster I accidently ordered, & posted pictures of you in your undies, in a bunny suit, and a flashing avatar of you prancing around like a hip hop thug!!

Now that you are aware of the gravity of the situation with these forgeries, I am sure you will act swiftly and punish them severely.

As for me I am headed back to London.....I mean Hogwarts.

Your adoring servant,

Cleopatra

Scapegrace

Miss Cleopatra,

You must be a resident of St. Mungo's...perhaps in the same ward as Lucius Malfoy and Gildroy Lockhart are currently residing?

Black is dead Miss Cleopatra, *pauses to throw poison dart at Gary Oldman poster* therefore it would be very hard to have any kind of relations with him, unless you are into necrophilia, hmm???? *reminds self to have St. Mungo's due a lengthy check of her sanity*

These "Snape Sisters" you speak of...probably just another group of my fans *smirks*

For your information, I am a friend of Mr. Rickman's, and he has visited me twice here at Hogwarts, much to the fury of Professor McGonagall and Miss Granger, who insist on stalking the poor man. The bunny card was sent to those "dueling disasters" by Alan himself.

As for that idiot Krum, well, that just goes to show that your taste in men is disgusting, if he and Black are your types!

I sincerely hope that St. Mungo's can cure you of your very obvious afflictions.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

FOA (Friend of Alan's)

Thank you for the inclusion of myself in your big bash last night. Did you see I behaved?

I only asked Mr. Rickman to dance that one time. And when he politely refused, I backed off immediately.

I never leapt upon him as I did the time before.

(I thought Professor Sinistra was shameless in her constant badgering of Alan for his autograph.) (Do you know if she ever succeeded?)

I wonder if she would be willing to sell it to me in exchange for substituting for her in Astronomy class.

I'd better go bone up on those ruddy planets and things. Anyway, thank you once again.

Enjoy these Scottish toffees I have made especially for you.

Minerva

Snape fan

Minerva,

I am indeed pleased that you could restrain yourself for once in the presence of Mr. Rickman.

*pops toffee in mouth*

No, Sinestra did not succeed in her quest for an autograph - the poor man's hand was shaking so much from the badgering he took, he could barely hold a drink in his hand.

Stick with your foolish wand waving class Minerva. Leave the hard classes for professors who have a clue about what they are doing. *smirks*

Severus

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

Please stop soliciting young women with "Looking-For-Love" ads you've placed in the Quibbler.

Parents are beginning to complain and they believe you are not fit to teach here at Hogwarts.

(Something about impropriety).

thank you for respecting my authority on this matter,

Headmaster Dumbledore

Snape fan

Headmaster,

As if I would need to resort to the Quibbler and a "Looking for Love" ad!

That is something only a person of Lockhart's caliber would have to do!

I am looking into this matter now, and I think Minerva and her H.A.R.P.I.E.S are behind it all! She is extremely jealous of my friendship with Alan and has been out to undermine me at every turn!

I ask your indulgence in this matter Headmaster, and to ask Minerva just what she knows!

Severus

Master of my own Domain

We need a teacher next semester to teach sex ed to the students, will you be able to fit this in your schedule?

The only other option is Sybil and I'm not too sure how that would go over!

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Minerva,

Why can't the school nurse Madam Pomfrey handle the sex-ed class? She's clearly the one to handle the job. It has ever been this way before at Hogwarts. Go and tell her she must do it.

I have no time nor patience to handle giggling schoolgirls and boys!

Professor Snape

*Looks through the new responses he's received on potential lovers through the Quibbler...*

"Ah, here's a good one. Kim ServentofSeverus. I'll have to check this out"

Snape fan

Good news!!

Hogwarts is going to put on a muggle play: Grease...isn't that exciting? Miss Granger suggested it, and I have appointed you and Remus faculty advisors to this project!

Now, tryouts will be held next week, and I expect you to give everyone a fair chance!

I can't wait to see this. Perhaps Mr. Rickman will want to come see the play?

Lemon Drop?

Albus

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

Oh bloody hell, must I?

You know I have no patience with children.

(But I do love a good musical!)

Well, alright then. But only if I can have complete control of the production.

(They'll be no H.A.R.P.I.E.S. trying to direct from the sidelines!) And I think we all know of whom I'm referring).

Snape

*mumbles to self, "let's see, we'll need to find that old Weasley car in the Forbidden Forrest to put in the background as they sing 'Go Greased Lightening'"...

I shall make Lupin a set designer... Sinestra can do make-up... So much to do, so much to do..*

*posts up a bulletin on all 4 House notice-boards*

----------------------

-------------------------

I just saw your notice and wanted to volunteer my mum for costume design. I figure, if she's busy with this, maybe she won't have the time to make my awful maroon sweater this year for Christmas.

Ron Weasley

Snape fan

Weasley,

As much as I hate to admit it, you have come up with a good idea...your mother will be able to do two things: make costumes, and hopefully keep you and the other two halves of the "Terrible Trio" out of trouble!

I will be in touch with her.

Professor Snape

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

It has come to my attention that you are planning a production of Grease.

It must have been an oversite that you forgot to include myself as your musical arranger. (I believe you have heard me sing, "My Hearts In The Highlands" at each and every Christmas Party, lo, these many years we have attended).

I should think you would have been more organized to have researched into the hidden talents of the Hogwart's staff.

No matter. I'm on board now and looking forward to an exciting and enriching time. (Dumbledore has already approved my new Musical Arranger position.)

See you at try-outs!

Minerva,

Headmistress, H.A.R.P.I.E., and H.A.G.

(Did I mention Headmistress? Ah, yes, I see I have).

Snape fan

*contemplates ways to kill Dumbledore and McGonagall*

Head H.A.R.P.I.E.

Is that what you call that caterwauling that comes out of your mouth every year? Singing? I think not Minerva. Screeching is more like it and even the ghosts flee when you take the stage.

As I have been forced to accept you as musical arranger, at least try and find some students who actually have a singing voice. And I expect you to be fair to ALL the Houses, not just your pretty little Gryffindors. *sneers*

Severus

I know you'll be glad to hear St. Mungo's released me and gave me a clean bill of health!

I hear you are in charge of a musical soon to be performed at Hogwarts. I have written to offer my expertise in this endeavor.

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones old chap, and impart to you my considerable knowledge of the arts! I'm sure the Madame Pince can direct you to my book, Directing with Flair and Finesse!

I look forward to working with you and Remus

Gilderoy

Scapegrace

Lockhart you lackluster lunatic,

over your hare-raising experiance? *chuckles*

You are forbidden to even come near myself, the stage, or even the orchestra pit!

I warn you, they'll be more wild-hares-up-the-ass-curses if you do!

Professor Snape

I am the one that I want

Snape fan

Professor Snape,

I can't wait to try out for the part of Sandy!! I have memorized her entire part - of course, I've memorized the entire script already!

I've got my poodle skirt, my oxford shoes, and I've been practicing my singing!!!

I'm so excited!

Hermione Granger

Hopelessly Devoted

to You Scapegrace

*opens new bottle of extra-strength Tylenol*

Miss Granger,

Please remember there are no favorites here and all must pass auditions in order to earn a role in the play.

Professor Snape

*note to self, make sure Pansy Parkinson practices her audition material*

So what's this owl I received this morning?

Hogwarts is putting on a production of Grease and you want me to help with the set designs?

Sure, I'll help out.

That Head H.A.R.P.I.E. won't be involved, will she?

God! Do you remember last Christmas how she sang the entire musical numbers for "Annie, Get Your Gun"?

I still can hear her shrieking "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" sometimes in my sleep. I always wake up weeping.

Remus

Snape fan

Remus my friend,

Unfortunately, the head H.A.R.P.I.E. herself will be part of the production. Albus made her musical arranger, if you can believe that!! Sometimes I doubt the man's sanity.

I still have nightmares of her singing. Sometimes I wonder if she is the secret weapon against the Dark Lord. *snickers*

Meet me for dinner in Hogsmeade and we'll go over our jobs and see what we can keep Minerva from doing.

Severus

I hear you and Remus are working together again! Is he that desperate for friends that he must continue to see you??

And what's the rumor I hear about you directing a musical?? If only I were there, I would be playing the part of Danny. I'm perfect for it...good looks, great smile, all the girls love me...

Still trading in on your dueling popularity Snivellus??

Black

*fussing because he's not getting any of the girls now*

Scapegrace

Black,

You are now a bodiless spirit. You don't even have an image to view of your former self like Moaning Myrtle has.

Think of that.

You are now less than Moaning Myrtle.

I'd pity you if I really cared for you at all.

Which I never did.

(I'd still like to know how the hell you're sending me letters.)

At any rate,

get stuffed,

Snape

Oh how I'm looking forward to this production of Grease!

How are things progressing?

Have you chosen some students for certain parts yet?

I just wanted to drop you a note to remind you that Hagrid plays a mean recorder.

I wonder if there might be a spot for him in the band performing the musical arrangements for the play? (You know he's too shy to ask you himself).

See what you can do, won't you?

Headmaster

Snape fan

Albus,

Yes, I have managed to choose some of the parts, in spite of that H.A.R.P.I.E. Minerva's "help." She is only the musical arranger (and a worse one I could not imagine), not the director, yet she keeps trying to put her two knuts in.

*Posts cast list at all four Houses*

Danny Zuko: Blaise Zabini

Sandy Olsen: Susan Bones

Rizzo: Cho Chang

Frenchy: Hermione Granger *snickers and hums Beauty School Dropout*

Marty: Ginny Weasley

Jan: Millicent Bulstrode

Patty Simcox: Pansy Parkinson

Knecki: Harry Potter

Doody: Ron Weasley

Putzie: Gregory Goyle

Doody: Crabbe

Eugene: Draco Malfoy *snickers, thinking how upset Malfoy will be*

That's all I have so far Headmaster. We are still looking for some parts, such as Cha Cha DeGregorio. As for Hagrid, only because he is about the only one who has not tried to bribe me for a part will I let him in the play.

Severus

You are avoiding me!! We must get together to plan the musical arrangement!

Now, my idea is we should listen to ALL the songs from the movie. You, me and Lupin can get together and will sing each of the songs for you, then we can decide if we need to keep all of them in! (I also think I should be in the band...now I understand it was an all male band, but that's just a minor detail we can overlook)

We will meet for tea at 4 pm sharp! I will owl Remus.

Minerva

Scapegrace

*note from Snape's Doctor, (Healer),*

Professor McGonnagal,

My patient, (Professor Snape), is currently unable to attend any social functions, teas, or sing-song sessions due to his current condition which I cannot disclose at this time (patient/Healer confidentiality restrictions).

signed,

Healer M. Burns

Special Patients Under Never-ending Kiaugh (that's worry or trouble in Gaelic)

(S.P.U.N.K.)

Did Draco happen to mention his part of Eugene in our up-coming Hogwarts musical Grease!?

I'm sure you are a proud Papa! *snicker, snicker*

Be sure and tell the rest of the Malfoy clan, (and the Blacks as well), so that they might all come out to enjoy this spectacle, um, oh, I mean special presentation.

Severus,

P.S. How is your lovely wife? And have you recovered fully at St. Mungos or do you still have to return for occasional rabbit relapses which sometimes occur spontaneously, (sometimes I hear five or six months after the curse has been cast).

Snape fan

Severus you sly dog you!

Because of your "note", I had to endure tea with Minerva. Even worse, she insisted on going over the entire musical arrangement with me.

I swear I can howl better as a werewolf than she can sing! *laughs*

I think she almost caught me snickering at her once, since she threatened to transfigure me into a water goblet!

You owe me one my friend!

Remus, whose ears will never be the same again!

My father is so proud to know I got one of the key parts in that mudblood musical. I don't understand though why Finnegan, Granger and Creevey break out in laughter everytime they see me though...must be jealousy! Stupid mudbloods. They should be honored that I am lowering myself to even appear in this thing.

My entire family is coming to see me, except Lucius of course - but I will make a pensieve for him.

Draco

Scapegrace

Young Mr. Malfoy,

Hmmm.

Calling your father Lucius instead of Father?

That shows a lack of respect on your part, lad. Did the embarrassing events of the "Mother of all Duels" lower your esteem for your father and thus now you feel comfortable calling him by his first name?

If this is the case, I regret that I have contributed to your new-found lack of honor for your father.

It is sad when one realizes that their parents are just ordinary people after all. But to have to witness a shamelessly embarrassing moment of merciless repeated rodent appearances must have truly been traumatizing for you.

I hope you will get over this event as I'm sure your folks will never discuss this with you.

Please remember that my door is always open to a fellow Slytherin who may need counciling.

I'm glad to see the support your family seems to be showing you by committing themselves to attending the musical.

You will do a nice job I'm sure!

Professor Snape

*thinks he must have a soft-spot for Draco as he might one day become his step-son*

Er, Um,... Professor Dumbledore said you would let me, um, er, play my wooden whistle in your musical, and I er, wanted to say , uh, thanks for the opportunity.

Hagrid

Snape fan

Hagrid,

Please, no thanks are necessary. I will have a special place for you in this musical, right next to Professor McGonagall. She insists on singing background to some songs, and you will accompany her. Please play as loud as you can.

Professor Snape

*who really doesn't think he could ever tolerate Draco as a stepson, nevermind a wife like Narcissa, who will sleep with anything*

I would like to watch one of the upcoming rehearsals. Minerva is trying to keep them top secret, but I had to gently remind her that you and not she are the director.

Lemon Drop?

Albus

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

It was kind of you to remind Minerva about that however, I'm afraid it does no good.

That insufferable H.A.R.P.I.E. insists on singing along with everybody during their numbers. (She claims to be helping them so that they might sing in the proper key, when in all truth, she throws everone off with her heated caterwauling.)

I truly wish you had never let her in on the project.

However, I have concocted a plan involving Hagrid and his musical whistle which may, indeed, do the trick!

Come to the set anytime as we will be rehearsing all day.

Prof. Snape

I have several of the costumes done and several more are in the process of completion.

I'm so happy to have this chance to design the costumes, (Ginny doesn't let me make her the pretty clothes I used to do when she was in grammer school).

But she does want one of these scruffy Pink Lady jackets. I told her she would look like some sort of hood and she only wanted it all the more.

I suggested a frilly poodle skirt and she said she would have to kill me then. (You know, Professor, I do believe she meant it. That girl frightens me sometimes).

How have I lost touch with my only daughter, and how can I get her back? Molly W.

Snape fan

Molly,

Sometimes I think Miss Weasley should have been sorted into Slytherin.

She is right in this instance though. The "Pink Ladies" did not wear poodle skirts, they wore tight clothing. I am enclosing a picture of what you should make her (taken from the muggle movie Grease).

Molly, you see what comes from letting your brood hang out with the Boy Wonder?

Trouble...nothing but trouble...Miss Granger must take some of the blame too I fear. What with S.P.E.W. and FAR (Friends of Alan Rickman, although again, she deludes herself), Miss Weasley is indeed in bad company.

Severus

I'm still waiting to hear where you need me in this musical! I am willing to be your assistant in this. Quite the role reversal yes? Usually it is you who are assisting me!

Waiting anxiously,

Gildroy

Scapegrace

Ex-Professor Lockhart,

You are hereby presented with this restraining order. You are not to set foot within the Hogwarts grounds nor are you allowed to come within 20 miles surrounding the school.

Failure to take heed of this notice will result in immediate incarceration. It has been found by the members of this council that you are a menace to society and a public nusiance.

The children must be protected from perverted flashers and exhibitionists such as yourself.

sincerely,

C. Fudge

Hello. How are you doing?

I received your letter and I would be thrilled to attend your production of Grease!

I know how difficult it is to direct and I'm eager to see The Master at work! Next Saturday, is it?

We'll work out the details for my visit a bit later on in the week. Alright? Perhaps I could invite Ms. Shirley Jones as well. (If you don't mind Severus).

I know how you admire her and she IS one of the reigning queens of American musicals.

I'll keep in touch about things.

Enjoy this time with your students. They will be cherished memories for years to come.

Alan Rickman

Snape fan

Alan,

I thank you for your kind wishes and any advice you have will be duly noted and taken into consideration.

If Shirley Jones would like to attend, we would love to have her. Just let me know and I'll arrange for her travel here.

As for enjoying this time with my students...well you have had a taste of a few of them (the stalking Miss Granger comes to mind) and the only thing I will cherish is when they are out of my hair and graduated! Each and every one of them is a dunderhead!

Looking forward to seeing you,

Severus

Is it true Mr. Rickman will be coming to the Grease production? I will be happy to escort him to his seat and to the party afterwards!

This is so exciting! Maybe he'll give me a small part in his next film!

H. Granger

Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

How do you find out such things?

Are you having my owls intercepted for your own personal enjoyment?! (I warn you, that is a federal offense!)

No, you may not seat Mr. Rickman. Nor may you speak to him unless he personally begins the conversation!

Professor Snape

I'm beginning to get cold feet about this whole acting thing.

I don't want people to laugh at me. They're all idiots anyway.

So, I'm dropping out.

You'll have to use my understudy that creepy Colin Creevey, for my part. Draco M.

Snape fan

Draco,

People have been laughing at you since you started here at Hogwarts, so this will be no different.

You will NOT drop out of the play! You will play your part with pride, or I will see to it that you are resorted into Hufflepuff.

Professor Snape

Why do I get the feeling you and Remus and holding some rehearsals without me????

May I remind you that I am the Deputy Headmistress as well as musical arranger of this production, and as such, I am needed at every rehearsal to ensure everyone knows their singing parts!

You are Remus are worse than the students sometimes with all your behind the scenes antics.

Minerva

Head H.A.R.P.I.E

Scapegrace

Minerva,

Why, I have no idea what you're talking about you paranoid old crone.

By the way, you missed the last five rehearsals. (Didn't you receive my memos about the time changes due to the extra Occlumency lessons I must give the Potter brat?)

One might get the impression that you had lost interest in this play.

Professor Snape H.A.G. controller

I've got all the sets finished thanks to the help of the Griffindors. (I know you hate hearing that but still, they did volunteer and we're all ready.)

I'm so glad you found a way to avoid that wailing banshee McGonnagal for rehearsals.

My hearing is just now coming back to normal.

See you at noon.

Lupin

Snape fan

Remus,

Thank you for getting the sets ready. I'm surprised anything is getting done with Minerva running around singing.

BTW, watch out for her - she's on the warpath again. I told her she must have missed the memos about the schedule change. *smirk*

Do you think we can hide the actual show from her too??? *chuckles*

Severus

Can we sell popcorn (a muggle snack) and drinks for the production? All proceeds with go towards S.P.E.W.

Thanks,

H. Granger Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

I don't care what you sell for food and beverages as long as it's done outside the theater and that nothing is thrown at the H.A.G.s as they perform!

Snape

My son will NOT be portraying a loser, zit-faced, geek in your ruddy play! And I have instructed him as much.

So help me, if you try and force him to perform, I will call out all the "favours" that our masked friends owe to me and your life will become a living hell!

L.Malfoy

Snapefan

Lucius,

How is Azkaban these days?

You must be fully recovered from the rabbits by now.

As for Draco, too late. I have already instructed him he must play his part.

You know the saying, "the play must go on."

Just think Lucius, you had zits when you were that age, so Draco will be in good company.

Severus

Did Molly knit you a sweater too? Mine says "Scene Director" and has little stages moving about it. I heard Minerva got one that has little pixies singing.

*shudders*

Do we have to wear them? I hear Albus is conspiring with Molly to make sure we do.

*cringes*

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Mine has cauldrons and potions boiling away with vials of green liquid and smoke billowing up.

The front right pocket says "H.A.G. production of Grease!"

and "Director Snape" Flashing with stars all around.

I am currently using it as a cauldron cleaning rag.

It is extremely tough and durable.

The stars are extra-abrasive.

It should last a good many years.

Professor Snape.

Er, Ah, Um. I been de-gnoming my garden patch and I seen a few sneak off and, er, ah, head fer the school.

Wouldya mind keepin' an eye out fer them cuz they was headed fer the theater room by the stage section?

I don' need ta tell ya what pests they is, an' what damage they can do when they, er , got a mind to.

Sorry 'bou' all this. I'll rustle 'em up in no time. Promise ya that!

Hagrid

Snape fan

Hagrid,

I thank you for the warning and have already posted some students in the theater to be on the lookout for them.

*Filch!*

*Sir*

Make sure Potter and Weasley don't leave the theater until ALL the gnomes are caught and accounted for!*

*Sir!* *runs off to theater*

Snape

I am a writer for the muggle magazine The Enquire. Perhaps you have heard of us? "Enquiring minds want to know" is our motto!

You have come to our attention through one of our sources (anonymous of course) and we would like to do an interview with you. We have heard that Alan Rickman and Shirley Jones are assiting you in your directorial debut and any insights you can offer regarding their help would enthrall our readers.

I would love Mr. Rickman's autograph if possible! Waiting to hear from you,

Becky "Scoop" Scapegrace

Scapegrace

Miss Scapegrace,

Well, well, well. You embarrass me with all this attention.

The rumours of Mr. Rickman and Ms. Jones are all unfounded. They will merely be attending the performance.

However, I have been asking Alan's (he said I could call him that) advice on certain problems that we directors have to deal with that crop up unexpectedly from time to time. (Backstage gnomes and what-have-you). But I assure you, come opening night, we will be ready to present a wonderful show!

Oh, and as for your question on an autograph, I'm sorry but I cannot get it for you.

Perhaps, if you attend the performance, Alan might oblige you, (if you can get to him through all the H.A.R.P.I.E.S. that will be surrounding him that is.)

Professor Snape

I'm getting really nervous about singing onstage in front of an audience full of people!

I don't know if I can do it!

Especially with Alan watching and all!

I think I'm losing my voice.

What should I do???!!

H. Granger

Snape fan

Miss Granger,

For one thing, stop waving your bloody hand in class trying to answer each question asked! That alone could save your voice.

Contrary to your opinion, Mr. Rickman will not be focusing all his attention on you. Just act like he isn't there, as he will probably be doing the same to you. *smirk*

Besides, he will probably be too busy trying to avoid the H.A.R.P.I.E.S.

(reminds self to enable protection shield around Alan)

Professor Snape

Minerva is threatening to take Miss Granger's place in the musical if her voice goes. We must make sure this does not happen!

Maybe we should put a silencing spell on Miss Granger until the play?

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

The silencing spell seems to be working well.

However, I have some doubts as to whether this will help or hurt our production. I have hear some terrible accounts of this spell actually rendering the victim inaudible for a month or even, in some cases, two months!

We're really taking a chance with this. The play is only 3 days away now. What if Granger cannot find her voice again?!

*Opens up a new bottle of Tylenol and takes a swig of Jack Daniel's to wash it down*

I hope you know what you're doing, Lupin.

McGonnagal must never be allowed to replace Granger should the need arise!

Why, I'd sing before I'd let that H.A.R.P.I.E. warble!!! Snape

Can I take photos of the H.A.G. cast for our yearbook?

I'd really like to get you in some as well as the other teachers involved in the production.

Oh, this is so exciting!

Is Alan Rickman really coming to see it as well?

Do you think he would mind if I took some shots of him too?

Colin Creevey

Snape fan

Mr. Creevey,

You will NOT bother Mr. Rickman! I will ask him if he is willing to have ONE picture taken. Otherwise, you will keep your distance from him.

Professor Snape

Arthur and I can't wait to see the play and I have asked Mr. Creevey to take pictures of you and Remus in those sweaters I knitted for you! I hope you are wearing it down in the dungeons. It is so cold down there dear, and we don't want you getting sick.

Molly

Scapegrace

Mrs Weasley,

Do not concern yourself with the temperature of my dungeons! I'm quite happy the way they are!

And I will NOT be having my picture taken by a Griffindor, with a Griffindor, for a griffindor!!!!!

Now, go busy yourslf with the finishing touches on the poodle skirts or something just as exciting and leave me to get on with the direction of this play!

Prof. Snape

"Longbottom! You missed scrubbing a spot of floor over by the door! And be sure to use the nice scratchy, abrasive rag I have supplied for you!"

Why haven't you cast my dear Neville in your production of Grease!?

True, his father would have done a much better job of it if he were still a schoolboy, but Neville does try at least.

Can't he help with the lighting or props or something?

He does like to be a part of the group, even if he can't sing.

Granny L.

Snape fan

Dear Mrs. Longbottom,

Neville is helping with this play as I write this. I cannot begin to tell you how important he is to the musical.

*Longbottom! make sure those chairs are all set out, and remember to save the soft, cushiony chair for the Headmaster!

Your grandson has been spending many an evening helping everyone to get ready for this great event.

Professor Snape

Dobby wishes to please Sir; you are such a good friend of elves (P.E.E. President) and would like to know he can do anything for that great actor Mr. Rickman while he is at Hogwarts.

Make dinner? Bring him drinks? Dobby only wishes to make Professor Snape and his friend happy.

Dobby

Scapegrace

Dobby,

Why, yes, you can be most helpful in offering Alan and my other good friend Ms Shirley Jones drinks and snacks. That would be quite nice, as long as you don't bow and scrape and make a fool of yourself!

Alan would not like to see you looking all servent-like.

It would embarrass them too much.

Professor Snape

Why do I have to clean up after they play and the cast party afterwards?

I didn't even volunteer to be IN you stupid H.A.G. production!

I don't think it's fair!

H.P.

Snape fan

Mr. Potter,

Life isn't always fair now, is it? Sometimes we have to do things we don't like - like I must constantly teach dunderheads like yourself the fine art of potions brewing.

You will not be alone in the cleaning though, never fear. Your friend Mr. Longbottom will be helping you. *smirk*

Professor Snape

Just thought I would let you know I was watching the final rehearsal and Minerva was "standing in" for Miss Parkinson as she hadn't shown up. Later, when walking by an empty classroom I heard a noise. I opened the closet door and found Miss Parkinson tied and gagged!

She has no notion how that happened, but I do think it's quite the coincidence that Minerva is singing and dancing like it was her part (and believe me, I will have nightmares for weeks about that) and Miss Parkinson is found tied up!

Should we let Albus know?

Remus

P.S. Does Longbottom need another "rag" to help him clean up tonight? *snickers*

Scapegrace

Lupin,

I have informed Dumbledore of this peculiar happening with Miss Parkinson and also the strange behavior of McGonnagal and her new-found love for the spot light.

He assured ma he would have a chat with the Head H.A.R.P.I.E. and that all will be ready for tomorrow nights performance.

I must admit, I am getting a bit jumpy about matters and I do hope everything proceeds without a hitch. *opens cap of Mylanta and takes a good long swig*

I will see you tonight for the last-minute plans we discussed earlier about "Operation Alan".

I don't think that old witch has caught on to my little switching plan. I am looking forward to being Alan for the evening and chatting it up with Ms Jones.

He has also informed me that he is likewise looking forward to being me and directing this ruddy play. I must say, he has my traits and mannerisms down to a "T" and no one will be the wiser! The children may actually learn a thing or two under his professional guidance.

Snape

Well, I've spoken to Minerva for you and she claims total innocence in the whole Parkinson matter. However, as you know all to well, I can see right through her lies and have now placed her on suspension from all play activity.

She is not to be present for the final run-through and I will personally be seating myself next to her for opening night.

Good luck and break a leg!

Prof.Dumbledor

Snape fan

Albus,

I thank you for all your help in this matter. I fear Minerva has been bitten by the "acting bug" and I can only wonder what her classes will be like for the next few weeks!

Remus and I are ready for tonight's performance rest assured that Mr. Rickman and Ms. Jones will be treated with all due respect - especially now that the Head H.A.R.P.I.E will be out of action!

Severus

I plan on being at tonight's performance, so just make sure you watch youself!

I hope you are treating my godson with respect. If not, you will answer to me!

Black

P.S. Do you think I could get Ms. Jones's autograph? I loved her in the Partridge Family

Scapegrace

Black,

Ha! As if disembodied nonentities could conjur themselves to theater performances! Or even hold an autograph of a beloved star like Ms Jones in their nonhands!

I laugh at your suggestion and your affrontery, (as well as your denial of no longer existing on our plain!)

Oh, and, your godson will be perforing much later after the show. He will be mopping the stage, folding up chairs, putting props away, and sending costumes to the cleaners.

That should be quite a show!

Snape

*begins quietly singing "I think I love you" while gazing at his framed Carousel poster

I am extremely displeased with your spreading of rumours about me to the Headmaster!

And now I am to be banned from any further contact with the cast or crew?!!!

I assure you, Severus, you have NOT heard the last of me on this matter!!!

I will have my time with Mr. Rickman and my day in the sun. Just you wait!

You'll see!

I have plans.

Great plans!!

Good luck tonight severus!

You're going to need it!!!

Deputy Heamistress

Minerva McGonnagal

Snape fan

Minerva, my dear friend,

I did not spread any rumors about you to the Headmaster. Remus mentioned you were acting very strangely during rehearsal - which as it seems I have to remind you - is for a student production, yet there you were, prancing around like you owned the part!

Then, Remus finds Miss Parkinson bound and gagged in a closet of all things! I think even that muggle detective Sherlock Holmes would see your guilt in this matter.

Maybe we will make a pensieve for you so you can see the play. And stay away from Mr. Rickman - honestly, the man is already scared of you.

Severus

(smirking, wondering if Hogwarts should put on a Sherlock Holmes play with himself in the lead)

I am waiting in the wings in case my services are needed at the last minute! I do have a little acting experience you know! *chuckles*

Gilderoy

Scapegrace

Blockhead Lockhart,

Pity. There IS the matter of the restraining order you have been served. Remember? Aparently your feeble brain is still a bit addled from Weasley's malfunctioning wand.

Go away and never write me again!!!

Snape

I am looking forward to being you and directing the children in your production of Gerase!.

I hope I do your musical justice.

I'll be there in an hour with Ms. Jones.

See you,

(and then BE you!) Ha! A muggle joke.

Alan Rickman

Snape fan

Alan,

I confess I don't always understand muggle humor, then again, I think wizard humor is somewhat lacking also.

I look forward to seeing both you and Ms. Jones and I know you will do well directing the students, even if they are dunderheads!

Severus

Scapegrace

*Welcomes Alan and Shirley into the dungeons. Performs a switching spell thus, becomming Alan and Alan becomming Snape. All proceed to the theater where the "Snape", (Alan), now begins directing as :Alan, (Snape), and Shirley Jones sit in the front row and discuss the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar*

Dear Professor Snape,

I'm still not seein' the large, nasty-looking, one-eyed gnome that I chased outta my garden the other day. He hasn't been seen by any of the other gnomes either who have accused me of eatin' him. I hope he's not still in the theater and hell-bent on ruining yer play.

Hagrid

Snape fan

Hagrid,

I have alerted the Headmaster about this problem. He is sending Filch out to handle the problem. If he can't find the gnome, perhaps we'll send Professor McGonagall. *snickers*

Snape

*Tries to hold back snickers as Eugene (Draco) appears on stage. Everyone in audience laughs. "Alan leans over to Ms. Jones to explain joke.*

Scapegrace

Hagrid you great oaf!!,

Why did you flush the gnomes from your bloody garden in the first place!!!! None of this would have ever happened if you hadn't released them in the first place.

That mad, crazed one-eyed vermin streaked across the stage naked as the day it was born and frightened everyone!

I, (disguised as Mr Rickman), raced towards the stage as fast as I could and blasted the damn thing with the first spell that popped into my head! I now believe the flaming foot spell was probably NOT the best spell to have used in this circumstance, however, I was certainly not prepared and was taken well off-guard.

Ms. Jones screamed and bolted out the side entrance and straight through The Bloody Baron who shouted obscenities at her!

Snape, (Alan at the time), could only stand by (being merely a muggle himself) and gave the impression to everyone that I, Snape, had no intention of helping out!

Did you hear Dumbledore shouting at me to do something as poor Alan could only stare with a bemused expression as the gnome streaked up the aisle and proceeded to chew on McGonnagal's ankles with glee?

Everyone thought I was smiling and cracking up at the sight when it was actually Alan! I would never have laughed out loud for the whole school to hear! Never!

Naturally, Dumbledore had to release McGonnagal from her spells so that she could defend herself from the frenzied gnome.

Sure enough, she vaulted over 4 rows of seats and began chasing me as she thought I was Mr. Rickman!! I've never run so fast in all my life!

And once she had excited the other H.A.R.P.I.E.S. there was no stopping them as they all began to chase me!

By this time, Alan (as ME) was rolling on the floor in hysterical fits of uncontrollable laughter at my predicament! (I must remember to inform him of my displeasure at seeing this from him).

Well, when Minerva caught up with me and locked us in the faculty lounge I cannot tell you what anguish I went through before I could overpower her with my wand. I can't recall fighting a female before and such a powerful one at that!

I kept telling her I was Severus and that I was using my wand to proove it. But it was not registering with her at first. She kept screaming, "Yes! Yes! Use your wand on me Alan-baby!", and trying to grope me in places I cannot divulge.

Hagrid, I blame you for all this and I don't think I can forgive you for quite some time!

Professor Snape

Are you talking to me yet?

I swear, I tried to help you out, but when that Lockhart appeared from behind the curtain singing "Go Greased Lightning" during all the commotion, I had to take care of him first. You understand, don't you?

I really thought you could handle that scrawny old hen yourself.

Did you see Lucius jump up and run for it when you blasted that gnome? It scared the crap out of him!

I hope Creevey caught it all on film.

Including my pizza-face spell on Lockhart. I don't think he'll ever have quite the same pretty-boy complexion again. Heh, heh.

Oh, I hope you're not still mad.

The cast party is postponed until tomorrow when Potter and Longbottom finish cleaning up all the mess from that gnome and all it's ancestors that rushed the theater when they heard it shrieking in pain from the flaming-foot spell.

See you tomorrow!!!

Remus

P.S. (You have to tell me what went on in the faculty lounge! I want all the details!!)

Snape fan

Remus,

As much as I would like to be mad at you, I am not. I realize that this is all Hagrid's fault.

Are we cursed to have that idiot Lockhart and Lucius plaguing us always just because we beat them in a duel? The pizza-faced spell was a work of art!

Believe me, you do NOT want details of what Minerva tried to do with me! I swear the woman is crazed. She practically tore my clothes of me while singing (I'm being kind here in calling it that) Hopelessly Devoted to You.

I will have nightmares for weeks! And the Headmaster has no sympathy at all - I think he was jealous! He can have her!

The only good thing to come out of this fisaco is Potter and Longbottom having a big mess to clean up. And seeing Draco dressed as that nerd Eugene of course! *snickers* Did you see the look on Lucius's face? HA!

Severus

I hope there are no hard feelings for what happened last night. Being a muggle there was nothing I could do, although laughing certainly didn't help your position and I apologize.

I have spoken to the Headmaster and he now knows the situation and is very sympathic to you, as he saw the crazy cow McGonagall trying to attack "me."

He invited both Ms. Jones and myself to the cast party tonight and she has agreed. Shirley is over her fright from the Bloody Baron now and is anxious to get her own back at him. You might want to warn him to never mess with an angry actress!

See you tonight!

Alan

Scapegrace

Mr Rickman,

No, I am certainly not mad at you. It is just unfortunate that the students were there to see what appeared to be me "losing it" in public with uncontrollable laughter.

*shutters*

I hope this is never brought up again and that the children will still fear, ahem, that is to say respect me as their potions instructor.

See you at tonight's cast party!

I do hope Ms Jones will dance with me, (I can do a mean tango, you know.)

Professor Snape

I will be coming to the cast party tonight as I did help with most of the musical arrangements before I was so rudely removed from the H.A.G.

I was wondering if you would be so kind as to never mention what happened between you and I in the teacher's lounge last night.

We can just let that be between us only and I shall never speak a word to the others about your enormous "wand" and how you held it against me as your heated breath upon my body made me lose control.

Minerva.

P.S.

That Calvin Klein underwear ad you did certainly was showing the whole truth about you, wasn't it? *wink, wink*

Snape fan

Minerva,

I will NOT be telling anyone about the way you acted tonight, don't worry about that! Unless, of course, there is a need for me to do so. *snickers*

I'm sure everyone would be shocked to know that their Deputy Headmistress could act in such a way!

One correction though, you NEVER managed to see my wand, as you so eloquently put it, so I have no idea what you are talking about - another one of your Severus Snape fantasies I'm sure. *snickers*

Rest assured Minerva, if you do not stay in the corner tonight and only talk to Hogwarts staff and away from Mr. Rickman, I will be forced to tell some of your secrets. *smirks*

Severus

Why can't I get any girls to like me?

R. Weasley

Scapegrace

Mr Weasley,

I believe it is because you have spattergroit.

Go dip your head in a vat of bats piss. If this does not help, well, what do you know. I have failed for the first time in my life. Pity.

Professor Snape

Can you please have my mail forwarded discretely to this address:

Igor Karky(my new name)

Hogsmead

Shreiking Shack

Under the broken Floorboards

(I miss my DE, "Mask of the Month Club" magazine.)

"Karky" *wink, wink*

Snape fan

"Karky"

Do you honestly think no one will be able to find you there? Especially the Headmaster? You are even more of an idiot than Krum, and that's saying something!

And stop winking at me!

Snape

You have been chosen as Witch Weekly's Feature Story of the Month! Aren't you excited?

Please submit answers to the following questions:

1. Where were you born?

2. How many languages do you speak?

3. Bad habits

4. Best part of your body

5. Worst part of your body

6. Favorite candy

7. Favorite board game

8. Would you ever bungee jump?

9. Would you ever swim with dolphins?

10. Favorite student not in your House?

11. House you think you would have been sorted into if not Slytherin

12. Favorite after school activity

13. Are you shy?

14. Ever kicked someone's ass?

15. Ever been beaten in a fight?

16. Best friend in school?

17. Best friend now

18. Will you be married in 5 years?

19. Whom do you admire most now?

20. Will you pose nude for our centerfold?

Thank you!

Staff of Witch Weekly

Scapegrace

Witch Weekly staff,

While I do belive this is merely a prank, (no doubt purpotraited by that rogue Black), I will answer the questions to my satisfaction. Whether truthful or not, is really of no concern to myself.

1. Where were you born? I was born on a pirate ship in the Carribean.

2. How many languages do you speak? More than one and less than 100.

3. Bad habits. I do have a habit of zapping (suspended animation) flies and transporting them into the rooms and offices of certain Hogwarts staff members who displeased me during that particular day. An old habit I've had since I was a child).

4. Best part of your body. My wand. (Ask Minerva McGonnagal about it.)

5. Worst part of your body. My right leg has a wound that won't heal (thanks to a certain game-keepers 3-headed beast).

6. Favorite candy. Blood pops. (Ask Scapegrace about it. She still believes).

7. Favorite board game. Oh how I love a good game of Risk! Mrs. Malfoy knows my skill at dividing and conquering!!!

8. Would you ever bungee jump? No. I am no fool.

9. Would you ever swim with dolphins? No, they bore me.

10. Favorite student not in your House? Hmmm. I have no favorites! No, really.

11. House you think you would have been sorted into if not Slytherin. This is an absurd question since there is clearly no other choice but Slytherin. However, my logic tells me it would have been Ravenclaw.

12. Favorite after school activity. Watching the Griffendors in detention as they pickle rat's brains.

13. Are you shy? Why, no, not at all.

14. Ever kicked someone's ass? Every day of my life. 24/7/365!!!!!

15. Ever been beaten in a fight? No comment.

16. Best friend in school? I always was a bit of a loner, I must confess. I am the only one I can trust after all.

17. Best friend now. Hmm, I would have to say Mr. Alan Rickman as we have shared many wild times together now, and had a few laughs along the way.

18. Will you be married in 5 years? Go ask JKR.

19. Whom do you admire most now? Myself. For I am the true hero of these stories and soon you will all know the truth!!! But for now I must remain silent on the matter.

20. Will you pose nude for our centerfold? No.Been there, done that.

Professor

Severus Snape

Snape fan

Severus,

Did you receive an owl from Witch Weekly? They asked me some very odd questions. Asked me to be on the cover in two months.

Question #14 - ever kicked someone's ass...well I had to respond to that one! With Lockhart of course! *laughs*

They asked me about coming in and signing autographs one day soon, and mentioned they were going to ask you also.

Lockart is losing his hold on that magazine!

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Yes, I responded to that Witch Weekly rag but I feel it is really some sort of joke that one of my many enemies was planning to use against me somehow.

However, I responded on my own terms and I feel there should be no repercussions on this matter.

Lockhart is such a weenie.

I'll bet he's crying in front of a mirror right now over his ravaged face. See you at the cast party tonight.

Professor Snape

I hope to see you tonight at the party. Alan was telling me what a fan you are of my musicals and we barely got to speak at the Grease! production.

Love,

Shirley Jones

Snape fan

Dear Ms Jones,

I thank you for your understanding at the events the other night. You must learn to expect the unexpected in a magical world.

I have been a fan of yours for years. I've seen everything you've been in! You are indeed a great actress and a genuine lady!

I will meet you at the gates tonight and personally escort you around.

See you and Alan tonight!

Severus

*Professor Snape walks to the teacher's lounge and notices a slip of paper on the door, which has little stars twinkling and flying around*

Due to the success of our little musical, I have decided to further promote professor/student relations!

We will be having a bowling tournament! And to keep things fair, I have decided to divide the teams (5th-7th years only)fairly:

Professors Sprout and Hagrid will head the team for Ravenclaw

Professors Flitwick and myself will head the team for Hufflepuff

Professors McGonagall and Lockhart will head the team for Slytherin

Professors Snape and Lupin will head the team for Gryffindor

Please set up a time to meet with your teams!

Professor Dumbledore

Member, Pefect 300 Game Club

Scapegrace

Professor Dumbledore.

I will not, I repeat NOT, head up a Griffindor bowling team!!!!!!!

Lupin's a bloody Griffindor himself! Why, I should lead the Slytherins (to victory of course!)

Besides, do you remember what happened last year when you tried to organize a league??!!

Hagrid kept lofting his ball over into our lane punching great holes in the polished wooden flooring.

McGonnagal, kept drinking pint after pint and by the end of the night she would be drooping off of your shoulder and asking everybody to guess her age!

Flitwick couldn't even lift his ball. Sprout had to keep running over and help him.

I was the one who was always left with the bar tab as everyone began to dissappear before the end of it all and I was also the one left with the horrendous task of making sure that all the rented shoes were returned!

No thank you! Not again!

Professor Snape

Thought you'd seen the last of me, had you?

Well, I'm glad we will be pitted against each other in this much more civilized sport of bowling!

I understand I'll be heading the Slytherin team (with Prof.McGonnagal assisting me of course!)

I hope you'll be on you toes as we will be very difficult to beat!

(Why, have you seen that Goyle person hurl a ball down the lane? He knocks them all down in one go simply by the sheer force of the throw!)

See you in the alley, (bowling alley, that is!)

Lockhart

Snape fan

Lockhart you fool,

Yes, I remember Goyle throwing that ball down the lane and hitting all the pins - unfortunately the pins were NOT in his lane!

You will need all the luck in the world if you have him on your team.

*Begins to see the benefits of having a Gryffindor team - at least they know which lane is theirs and decides HE can keep the trophy in his office!*

Lockhart, Please let me be around when you tell Minerva she is going to assist you. I can't wait to see the look on her face. *laughs loudly*

Snape

I understand you are going to be our leader in the bowling tournament.

We want to win! And being muggles, some of us are used to bowling quite often. Harry, Seamus and myself have all been on bowling leagues and have won trophies! We don't get many gutter balls!

Harry knows a way to manipulate the scoring too he says. He and Seamus found a way to bypass the scoring machine the last time they went bowling, but I don't think we ought to cheat.

H. Granger

Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

I want you, and all those bratty friends of yours, to understand that Lupin and I are in charge here!

And what we tell you to do, goes!

If we say play fair, play fair!

If we say cheat, you cheat!

Now round up the rest of your goody-goody friends and meet us at the Hogsmead Bowling Alley for some practice!

We need it!

Prof. Snape

King Pin

Looks like we got us another fight with that Caped Wonder! (Yes, like; I WONDER what the hell my name is! or I WONDER what the hell I'm doing here! )

Well, if Minerva's gonna be his partner, (oh, sorry Assistant), we're in for a real treat!

See you at the Bowling Alley!

Lupin

Snape fan

Lupin my friend,

I'm almost tempted to challenge Minerva and the boy blunder to a bowling competition. Have you seen him bowl? Twinkle toes should be his name! He practically dances up to the line before he throws the ball - or should I say lobs the ball? I swear the man has no grace.

Lockhart is going to tell Minerva this afternoon after classes that she is going to ASSIST him. Meet me in the teacher's lounge and we'll enjoy the show together!

Snape

Ron told me about the bowling league. Would you like me to knit the team some sweaters? It would be no problem at all!

Molly

Scapegrace

Mrs Weasley,

I'm sorry, no.

We do not bowl in sweaters!

Only cool bowling shirts with team names on them.

(We'll have to have a discussion about that tonight at the first practice.)

*writes a note to self about it*

At any rate, I appreciate you enthusiasm.

Now go pester Mr. Weasley about possibly getting a vasectamy.

Professor Snape

If you think for a moment that I plan to have 'Can-I-Get-A-Clue Lockhart' as my partner you are sadly mistaken!!

I've written to Dumbledore about it and expect a response back at any time.

Why, I'd partner up with Voldy himself rather than that fool!

(Do you know if Alan Rickman enjoys bowling?)

Minerva

Snape fan

Minerva,

In case you have forgotten, it was the Headmaster himself who chose the team leaders. I think you will fail in your attempt to get rid of him and will have to resign yourself to "assisting" your good friend Lockhart.

As for Mr. Rickman, please drop that subject Minerva. No, I do not know if he enjoys bowling, and even if I did I would not pass on that information to you.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must grab my co-leader and head out to bowling practice!

Severus

Just a word of warning to you and Lupin. I don't think Minerva appreciated the snickers coming from the two of you when Gildroy handed "his assistant" her duties for the bowling league.

Did you get a look at that list? "Polish Gildroy's bowling ball before each and every game was at the top of it!"

I don't think I've ever seen a face get so red before. I really thought she was going to blow a gasket!

Thank Merlin, her attention was focused on you and Lupin, as that covered up my own laughter!

Anyway, keep an eye on her, and if you need a few extra charms to ward her off, let me know and I'll be glad to help!

Filius

Scapegrace

Prosessor Flitwick,

I thank Merlin each and every day that I don't have to work with that old hag on my team!

i really couldn't go on if I had to take orders or "professional guidance" from either one of them!

I'm sure that between your team and ours, we'll be able to humiliate those two quite sufficiently!

Here's hoping for the best seasons we've ever had!

Snape

Don't think I didn't notice you and that hooligan Lupin laughing it up at my expense the other night!

Polish his ball indeed!

As if that garishly fuchsia ball of his needed any more shine and glitter!

I'm going to show him a thing or two, mark my words!

But I certainly won't stand for the two of you yucking it up as he brazenly dares to order me about! (I've already taken steps by hexing his ball to return back up the alley after it reaches the half-way point.)

Let's see him figure that one out!

Minerva

Snapefan

*Snape wonders at the intelligence of Gryffindors sometimes. Does Minerva not realize she is only hurting her team by hexing Gildroy's ball? snicker snicker*

Minerva,

Good for you! What a wonderful idea to hex his ball - Lockhart won't know what is going on. Sometimes I think you are worthy of being a Slytherin *(thinks to self, not this time though - that was such a Hufflepuff thing to do)*

As for Remus and myself having a laugh at your expense - my dear Minerva, would either of us ever do something like that? We weren't "yucking it up" as you so eloquently put it, we were merely reliving memories of the double duel!

Severus

We have been trying to decide on the theme of our bowling shirts - team unity you know!

Harry wanted a lion's body with a snake's head, Seamus wants bright orange shirts with the team name on the back - he thinks our team name should be: Hogwarts Hooligans.

What do you think?

H. Granger

Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

Hogwart's Hooligans sounds fine but may I suggest a snake with a lion's head in it's mouth? As in eating the lion?

You know, it would make us look tough indeed! *wonders if she'll fall for it* I do love the standard bowling shirts. They look so campy we actually look chic. Light pale green with one pale gold short sleeve and one pale red short sleeve. An upper left pocket, (light silver), with "Hogwart's Holligans" on it.

We only need to decide this last bit of our team mascot/s on the backs and we're through.

Let me know what you decide, (pending my- and Lupin's- approval of course), and we'll finish these up in time for the next game.

Professor Snape

Head Hooligan

Oh, I say you're shirts are quite smashing! We Hufflepuffs would like to know where you ordered them so that we might get some of our own.

(Do you think our badger is too threatening? We don't want to frighten all our adversaries! Oh my, no.

Anyway, please let us know so that we, too, can look so swank.

Justin Finch-Fletchley

Snape fan

Dear Mr. Finch-Fletchley,

Yes, I'm sure the badger will throw fear into your opponents - can't you just see them running now? *rolls eyes*

If you want to order your own bowling shirts, please do some research like my team did. I will NOT give you the name outright!

Professor Snape

Hooligans??? Don't you think that is just encouraging your team to act like Slytherins??

Not that I think my Gryffindors would ever act other than honorable in any situation. But I will be watching you and Lupin closely.

Lockhart wants our team name to be the Hogwarts Hunnies - I don't think so! I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a shirt that said that. I like Hogwarts Hornets myself!

Minerva

Head Bee

Scapegrace

Minerva,

Hmmm....well at least you and Lockhart

have the flighty, twittering, buzzing traights of a bee down perfect.

(I'm afraid Gilderoy is merely a drone no matter how hard he tries to become a queen.)

*snicker, snicker*

Yes, do go with "Hunnies"!

I can picture the look on Goyle's face as Lockhart tells them the news.

Prof. Snape

Bee-swatter

The um, eh, ah, the shirt company we ordered ours from ain't got a size big 'nuff fer me an I was wunderin' if, er, if you could um...find out if your people got the big-man's sizes there.

I'm a 17X.

Can ya check fer me?

We got one o' them black birds on ours an' we're callin' ourselves the Ravenclaw Raptors.

It's got o' snake in it's claws and it's rippin' the head clean off. (That was my idea!) I like the blood a-spurtin' out the snake. Kinda cool, huh?

Well, hope ya can help me.

Hagrid

Snape fan

Hagrid,

Normally I would not approve of a Raptor with a snake's head in its mouth, but since it it Minerva heading the Slytherin team, it's her you will have to deal with and not me!

So I will be more than happy to help you get your shirt. Expect it tomorrow sometime.

Severus

I think we will win this tournament! Practice last night was great, and it was certainly a surprise to see Longbottom catch on so quickly to the game. I think he might be our hidden weapon and we need to keep him out of sight if the other teams are practicing at the same time as us.

What do you think?

Did you see that fool Lockhart just hand his ball to Minerva and tell her the polish wasn't bright enough on it? *laughs* Her face was so red I thought she was going to burst a blood vessel.

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Yes, we definately need to keep Longbottom as our ace-up-the-sleeve. His grandmother will be so proud to find that he can actually accomplish something. (although, I'm sure she'll say her son could have done it better).

As for Minerva, I understand she is now hexing his ball and jinxing his shoes. (Did you see him trip for no apparent reason last night?) There's nothing I enjoy more than watching a team self-destruct from within!

We really must watch out for the Ravenclaw team. They are the ones that worry me most. (No one considers the Huff-n-puffs any threat at all!)

See you tonight!

Snape,

Armed and Dangerous

Snape fan

Severus,

I don't think we have to worry too much about the Ravenclaw team. Sometimes that House outthinks itself in my opinion. Did you notice they were trying to figure out why two holes were missing in the ball? I even overheard one student say they should drill more holes so all 5 fingers fit!

Needless to say, I encouraged that - in a subtle, Slytherin way!

Remus

Scapegrace

Why Remus,

You really surprise me! I sometimes think you were mis-sorted from the beginning!

Snape

Snape fan

Snape!

Well, well, you and Lupin together again I see! You two should form your own fan clubs! I hope you realize that you could never have beaten the Marauders?!

Do you even know how to bowl? I bet you look so cute in those muggle bowling shoes too.

Honestly, you are both grown men and one would think you would start acting like it

I will have to owl Lupin about this!

Black

Scapegrace

Padfoot,

Jealousy, thy name is Black!

(You only wish you could be out here with us enjoying life! Too bad you wasted yours) heh, heh.

Prof. Snape

Clown shoes and all!

Snape fan

Severus,

Your students are atrocious! Mr. Malfoy doesn't seem to understand that he CANNOT have one of his house elves bowl for him! Bowling is beneath him he says.

I won't even mention how many times I've had to repair the lanes from Crabbe and Goyle lobbing their balls onto them.

Miss Parkinson seems to think Lockhart's ball is a mirror (but to be fair, that's what he likes to use it for also) and keeps admiring herself in it.

As for "Twinkle Toes" himself, well--I will be having a few words with Albus when this is all over! How dare he put me with that fool. He should have put Lupin with me!

Minerva

Scapegrace

Minerva,

Tut, tut,

remember, these are young, impressionable minds. You must not let them know (or feel) your resentment towards them. It will only make them perform even worse. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.

Now that Lockhart,

that's another story. Tell me, have you put any more hexes on him today?

I especially loved your jelly-legs-jinx on his bowling shoes.

Why,( heh,heh,) he danced his way clear down the length of the bowling lane and made a strike! (too bad it didn't count).

Professor Snape

Ronny has injured his right thumb in Herbology. I'm afraid he won't be able to bowl tonight. (Prof. Sprout insisted that it was an accident. Though, I wonder if she was trying to improve her teams chances of winning against you).

I understand Neville Longbottom is the replacement member.

Good Luck! And we are truly sorry.

Mrs. Weasley

Snape fan

Molly,

Yes, I heard about Mr. Weasley's "accident." Very odd it was too, since all they were doing was having an exam. Professor Sprout has no cunning whatsoever.

I'm sure Longbottom will perform as well as he can.

Severus

We are sure we are going to beat your team tonight! Especially as we have the correct number of holes drilled into each ball (5).

We wish your team good luck!

The Ravenclaw Team

Scapegrace

Dear Alan,

How have you been old friend?

I understand you're being kept busy with the movies and specials that you are in.

I just thought of you today and decided to send off a quick note to inquire about you.

I've been kept busy with this bowling tournament Hogwarts is having this year. You really should have seen us last night!

We played against the Ravenclaw team . (You know, for a bunch of geniuses it's amazing how foolish they can become when they get it into their heads to overthink the situation.

They actually thought it would be better to have 5 holes in their bowling balls! (Which one of their lot came up with that I wonder!)

Well, as a result, their balls all got stuck in their hands and wouldn't release properly. I've never seen so many lofted balls in my life! Hagrid was rather proud, really. (Said he taught them all he knew.)

Needless to say, we trounced their big brains!

The most pleasant surprise was the showing of one of our own team members. A Neville Longbottom.

Why, he nearly bowled a perfect game! (His grandmother insisted it was a fluke, the old hag!)

Well, I am writing to invite you to the final match tonight with Griffindor versus Slytherin.

I understand you are a very busy man. However, you'd be interested to know that the Slythie team is headed by the Prancing dandy Lockhart and the Head H.A.R.P.I.E. McGonnagal. It should be a treat! It would definately help lighten up things if you had a bit of amusement to help you through the bad, hectic moments that must make up your day.

Just say the word and I'll send a Thestral for you.

Severus

I want to thank you for showing faith in Mr. Longbottom.

He really did the Griffindors proud last night. It just shows what a bit of encouragement can do for a child, no?

Now, I'm not one to tell you how to teach your class. I'm merely saying that some students go much farther with praise rather than criticism.

Ahem.

Oh, and good luck tonight with the Slytherin team!

I am SO looking forward to this!

Albus Dumbledore

Snape fan

Albus,

I'm coaching the Gryffindor team, remember? Minerva has the honor of being assistant coach to my Slytherins. *snicker*

Yes, Longbottom did well last night - for a dunderhead. Maybe he will calm down now and show an interest in potions. I did notice though that Miss Granger still insists on helping him, even in bowling. I had to deduct some house points from Gryffindor for that.

Unlike the Slytherin coaches, Lupin and I seem to work together just fine. Perhaps if he hadn't had the influence of Potter and Black when we were in school, we could have been friends!

Severus

I would love to come to the final match tonight. My schedule is free.

Is it safe to show my face around that Professor McGonagall? She won't go chasing me down the lanes will she?

I do admit it would be fun to see that other Professor though - Lockhart. He can provide anyone with a good laugh when needed.

I will be awaiting the Thesteral!

Alan

Scapegrace

Mr Rickman,

The Thestral Seabiscuit will arrive at 5:00 tonight. I've told Hagrid to put a collar around it so you can see it.

*still doesn't know if Alan has seen death or not*

Ber ready for a fun time!

Severus

Just thought I'd send you a quick owl to wish you good luck!

We're playing extremely well and I think you'll find it hard to beat us!!!

We really did a number on those Hufflepuffs! (Did you see Draco had a surprisingly perfect game??! He must have been holding out on us as all through our practices he never bowled over a 75)!

Of course, it didn't help the Hufflepuffs at all to be slipping around the floor as if their feet had grease on them! Or the way they kept rolling their balls down the lane and it would suddenly skip over their lane and into ours!)

See you at the match!!

Gilderoy Lockhart

Snape fan

Lockhart,

Do you think Professor Lupin and I aren't on to your tricks? For your information, Mr. Malfoy's elf will NOT be bowling tonight, it will be Mr. Malfoy himself and his pathetic 75 high score.

As for the Hufflepuff team, anyone should have been able to beat them, even someone who has never bowled before.

As for tonight, good luck - you'll need it!

Professor Snape

If we win tonight, can we have a party in the Great Hall? You can display the trophy at the professor's table.

We have practiced hard and won every game - we deserve some fun!

R. Weasley

Scapegrace

Mr. Weasley,

Yes, yes. I suppose we can have a celebration of some sort if, (I mean WHEN, we win.)

I do like the idea of having the trophy displayed at the head table. I'll be sure and set it in front of Professor McGonnagal's plate. Heh, heh.

Professor Snape

Our Draco has informed us that you are working against him and the Slytherins in winning the first bowling trophy that Hogwarts has ever had.

You DO remember which side you're on now, don't you?

I mean.

You're loyalties are still with us, aren't they?

Lucius

P.S. I'm sure He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will be very interested to find out your answer too.

Snape fan

Lucius,

I was not working against the Slytherins - they managed to do that all on their own - with a little help from Lockhart and McGonagall. He was so busy prancing down the lanes, she was too busy hexing his ball (bowling ball that is) that they ignored the fact that their team was cheating. And you know how Dumbledore hates cheating!

And please Lucius, Draco was so obvious in using the house elf to bowl in his place. Face it, Draco couldn't hit the broad side of a castle and he brings on a servant to try and win. Did he honestly think he wouldn't be caught? I thought you taught him better than that.

Go ahead and tell the Dark Lord whatever you want. And I'll be sure and tell him how his next generation of loyal followers were so busy fighting amongst themselves that they couldn't form a team. I'm sure he'll be very interested in that answer also!

Severus

I know you are coaching the Gryffindor team, and I commend you for putting aside your hatred for them, but I must protest that you did nothing while Miss Granger hexed Mr. Malfoy and gave him an extra testicle the size of a bowling ball!

Do you know how hard it is to undo a hex like that? As you know, there is no known potion to overcome it and Mr. Malfoy will have to wait for the...er...appendage to reduce and disappear naturally-about 3 weeks if I remember. *snicker*

But that's not the bad part...Since he can't walk, I have to have him here in the infirmary, listening to him whine all day and threaten to write his father. And the list of hexes he wishes to do to Miss Granger is getting on my nerves.

Please come and speak with him as soon as you can!

Madame Pomfrey

Scapegrace

*Ces! :o) *

Madam Pomfrey,

I have already spoken to Miss Granger about the "extra-testis" hex and she assures me that she did not do it.

She says that she saw McGonnagal muttering and pointing her wand at Lockhart just as Draco crossed in front of him.

I'm afraid I must believe Miss Granger, as you do realize yourself, that most students could never perform such a complex and dangerous spell. Why, it takes years and years of practice to accomplish this one.

If you doubt me, go ahead and check on McGonnagal's classroom baboons. I'm sure the males will all have Draco's affliction as well. (Some possibly worse-off than he!)

Professor Snape

Hogwart's Champion

Snape fan

Severus,

Well, we did it again! What a team we make!

Did you see Minerva's face when you placed the trophy right between us? Her face was so red I thought she would pass out.

I swear that woman's animagus should have been a snake with all the hissing she was doing to Lockhart, blaming him for the loss.

Lockhart of course, still thinks his team won. He is carrying his little trophy that Dumbledore conjured up for him like it's the quidditch cup trophy!

Honestly, the man has no clue.

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Yes, heh heh heh, it was pathetic to see Lockhart carrying about that mini-trophy! I'd pity the man but, as you know, I never feel pity for anyone. (It's just not an emotion I was ever able to manage.)

Still, did you read the trophy? "Best effort against overwhelming superiority." He actually took this as a compliment! I'm sure he'll be sleeping with the runty little thing tonight. (I don't know what will become of the trophy!) Ha! But I do jest!!!

See you around,

Snape

So! You think you're "all that" now that you have proven you can beat a team of miscreants, (your own Slytherins may I remind you?!) in a silly game?

Well, I want you to know that I'm taking pride in the fact that it was MY Griffindors who actually won and this proves we lion-hearted people are far superior to your sneaky, slimy cold-blooded reptiles!!!

Honestly, how could anyone have won with Lockhart on their team? Did you see this tiny trophy Dumbledore bestowed upon me at the dinner?

"Most Mischieveious in undermining her own team with chicanery" for my hexing antics. (Do you realize I had to apologize to Lucius Malfoy face-to-face for his son's,...um... disfigurement??!!) Thanks a lot! (That was sarcasm, you fool!)

Professor McGonnagal

Snape fan

Lupin,

Yes, heh heh heh, it was pathetic to see Lockhart carrying about that mini-trophy! I'd pity the man but, as you know, I never feel pity for anyone. (It's just not an emotion I was ever able to manage.)

Still, did you read the trophy? "Best effort against overwhelming superiority." He actually took this as a compliment! I'm sure he'll be sleeping with the runty little thing tonight. (I don't know what will become of the trophy!) Ha!

But I do jest!!!

See you around,

Snape

So! You think you're "all that" now that you have proven you can beat a team of miscreants, (your own Slytherins may I remind you?!) in a silly game?

Well, I want you to know that I'm taking pride in the fact that it was MY Griffindors who actually won and this proves we lion-hearted people are far superior to your sneaky, slimy cold-blooded reptiles!!!

Honestly, how could anyone have won with Lockhart on their team? Did you see this tiny trophy Dumbledore bestowed upon me at the dinner?

"Most Mischieveious in undermining her own team with chicanery" for my hexing antics. (Do you realize I had to apologize to Lucius Malfoy face-to-face for his son's,...um... disfigurement??!!) Thanks a lot! (That was sarcasm, you fool!)

Professor McGonnagal

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

Once again I had a wonderful time at the bowling tourney.

Thank you for inviting me!

Sorry I had to leave so soon after your victory, but I didn't want to get caught in a blast from that H.A.R.P.Y. woman's wand. (Did you see what she did to that young man??!)

In a couple weeks time, I am going to a premiere of the movie that I came to your class to study you in the first place. Your habits, teaching methods, etc. were incorporated into this character I played.

I was wondering if you would like to attend the premiere with me? Have you ever been to the cinema? I think you would have a great time. Afterwards, there is a dinner party planned where we can chat and drink ourselves silly.

What do you say?

Alan

Snape fan

Alan,

I would love to attend this event with you. No, I have never been to this cinema you are talking about, but I have heard some of the muggleborn students talk about it. I believe they have things to eat there? I would like to sample popcorn and coca cola.

Yes, Minerva can be dangerous sometimes with her wand. She is known for her foolish wand waving sometimes. Sad, really.

I look forward to seeing you again.

Severus

I understand you are chaperoning the victory party tonight? I will be there also, to keep an eye on your Slytherins!

And don't try any funny stuff tonight - I'm sure you and Lupin are planning something childish and immature.

Be warned, I will inform Albus of any conduct I see unbecoming to a Hogwarts professor.

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Prof. McGonnagal,

I'm insulted that you think I would even dream of taking part in some sort of hooliganism.

I'm leaving that up to those idiot twins.

As they are in your House, I do suggest that you keep a close eye on them.

Don't want the Griffindors to lose anymore, now do you? (How much did that extra-testis-hex cost your people again? Ah, yes, ALL the points you had including the ones you earned by our winning the Hogwarts bowling event!)

See you at the party!

Severus

Snape fan

Severus,

Well done my boy, well done! Your team performed flawlessly and the way you put aside your differences to coach Gryffindors is indeed a wonderful thing!

Beware though Severus, both you and Lupin. Minerva was down here earlier asking me for some wand waving techniques. I think she is planning a little surprise for the both of you. She was muttering under her breath and gave me a truly evil smile when she left!

Filius

Scapegrace

Severus,

Well done my boy, well done! Your team performed flawlessly and the way you put aside your differences to coach Gryffindors is indeed a wonderful thing!

Beware though Severus, both you and Lupin. Minerva was down here earlier asking me for some wand waving techniques. I think she is planning a little surprise for the both of you. She was muttering under her breath and gave me a truly evil smile when she left!

Filius

Snape fan

Severus my boy,

Please make sure you attend the staff meeting tomorrow. I know how much you hate them, but I really must insist on you being there.

I will have an exciting announcement to make! No one else knows what it is, not even Minerva - I will announce it all of you at the same time.

I do come up with some wonderful ideas sometimes, don't I? *chuckles*

Lemon drop?

Albus

Scapegrace

Professor Dumbledore,

About the meeting yesterday.

Do you really think it wise to have a Parent/Job Information Speech Fair at Hogwarts?

I mean, really!

What possible knowledge can Lucius Malfoy pass on to the students? "How to go far in life by bullying and bribing people?"

And Luna Lovegood father??!!

I really don't want to know what the Crumple-Horned Snorcack did on it's summer vacation in Venice with Brittany Spears!

I certainly don't want to hear that Muggle Vernon Dursley drone on about Grunions and how his job is indispensible. (How did you get him to agree to do a speech here anyway?)

Crabbe and Goyle's parents doing a speech on their jobs will be most interesting since I never really understood just what it was they did anyway.

Mark my words. This is going to be a fiasco!

Severus Snape

(disgruntled Employee)

Oh, isn't the news most exciting?!!

I can't wait to hear about Arthur Weasley's Misappropriation of Muggle Artifacts job at the M.O.M.!

And the Grangers will be here to discuss dental proceedures and hygiene . (We'll have to make sure Filch sits in on that one! Lord knows how he has managed to still retain any of his teeth!)

Who are you most looking forward to hearing?

Oh, I'm so thrilled!!

Professor Flitwick

Snape fan

Filius,

It might just be interesting to hear Arthur's take on muggle artifacts, although you might want to place some protective charms around the Great Hall while he is doing so. Never know when that damn car of his will show up!

As for the Granger's, I suggest we put their daughter in the chair as an assistant--that way her mouth will be busy doing something other than asking endless questions!

*makes note to talk with Grangers again regarding his own teeth*

The most interesting should certainly be Miss Parkinson's mother. I hear she has some sort of business in Knockturn Alley - rumor at certain "meetings" I go to has it that she runs a brothel disguised as a massage parlor. I'm sure Miss Parkinson is following in her footsteps! *laughs*

Severus

I understand I must come speak at this job fair thing or whatever the Headmaster is calling it?

Do you know just how beneath me that sort of thing is? And I refuse to associate with mudbloods, so please keep them out of my way. I don't want them touching my robes. *sniffs*

Lucius

Scapegrace

Lucius my unenlightened friend,

I am at a loss as to why Dumbledore would ask you to do a speech at the Career Day event.

Perhaps he would like the children to see what they may become if they mess up their lives.

Sort of what they call "Scared straight" I believe.

I'll be surprised if they let you come in robes.

Striped prison garb and shackles is more likely.

Don't worry about all the muggles that will be attending.

I hear they don't bite.

Severus Snape

Unstriped, unbound, and free

The movie premiere here in London is coming up soon.

Will you be bringing a guest with you?

A ladyfriend perhaps?

Or,....whatever?

What will you be wearing?

The usual black I suppose?

I am torn between wearing a suit or coming casual. The children always seem to get the most attention anyway.

Looking forward to partying with you!

Alan Rickman

Aahlyia

Alan,

Yes, yes, I will be attending the premeire as you know, there is a movie about me, ahem! *Buffs his nails on his robes while smirking sheeplishly...dangerously similar to Lockhart*

As far as taking somebody, a female somebody, *coughs now seriously furrowing his brow* I have not yet decided if I want to be harrassed and bothered during this exciting moment in my life. You know women can be so...chatty (shudders) and childish *says this with a crooked smirk and waving his hand as if swatting a mosquito away from his face*.

I did have one in mind, however, just in case, but I am afraid that the Paparazzi will blow it all out of porportion...I mean, I do have a reputation to uphold now that I am a celebrity in my own right.

She is quite attractive and doesn't possess the irritating need to talk every 5 seconds, nor does she act like a groupie when I am in her presence, which to tell the truth, has been quite a challenge lately. *Laughs heartily, again eerily like Lockhart*.

Well, I will send you notice, Alan, and we can discuss perhaps a double-date? Yours truely,

Severus

Scapegrace

*picks up brochure*

Need to meet some decent people?

Would you really like to "wow" the ladies?

Tired of ending up all alone in the evenings?

Want to show some fancy footwork to impress?

Then enrol at Madam Rosehips's School of Dance!

Learn to tango in a week!

Sassy Salsa steps!

Rumba like there's no tomorrow!

Sign up now!

Aahlyia

Who has been intercepting my owl post????!!!!!!

Moi, need advice on dating and getting ladies???!!!! Perposterous!

Please let me be...I know it is you doing it Minerva! There is nothing you can do to get into my panties you old shriveled prude!

Now back to serious business. *Slide brochure inside robes and looks around to see if anybody has seen*

Severus

Snape fan

Dear Professor Snape,

Are you trying to steal my wife? Do you realize the impact you have had on her?

She eats, sleeps and dreams of you...and some character by the name of Rickman (I don't see the appeal myself, but then who knows what goes on in the minds of women).

My wife - you might have heard of her? Becky (aka Scapegrace) is almost totally ignoring her family.

Ask her to cook a meal or clean house and she yells: "Do I look like a house elf?"

Ask her to give one of our kids a ride somewhere, she says to find the Knight Bus and leave her alone.

Spend a little time with the family? "After I see every new picture of Professor Snape that has come out in the last hour, thank you very much."

"Want to go watch a movie dear?" "Is Alan Rickman in it?" "No." "Then forget it."

She's trying to sign our kids up for a potions class for summer school. We don't have potions class in the muggle world!

If one of the kids bring home a bad paper - she gives them detention!

I won't even discuss her dreams that I've overheard...her mind is in the gutter

When I tried to discuss this with her, she threatened to have you and I duel....

You, sir are a very bad influence on my wife...what do you intend to do about it?

Becky's Husband

Scapegrace

*aaaahhhh!!!!! Ces has been somehow spying on me!!!!*

House Husband,

Clearly your wife suffers from good taste and not wanting to deal with the mundane every-day world that you try to drag her back into each day.

My advice is to just let her be.

This will pass,....eventually, I suppose.

If not, you'd betted get fitted for some decent robes (I highly suggest Madam Malkin's.) And perhaps purchase a black, sleek wig.

Don't forget to keep your wand in working order!

Professor Snape

Becky's Obsession

Snape Fan

Dear Professor Snape,

Did you have a pet when you were a student at Hogwarts?

R. Weasley

Scapegrace

Mr. Weasley,

I have never had time for pets.

They ruin your home and eat you out of it.

Pity about your pet, eh? heh, heh

You'd better go looking for a new one.

Might I suggest a crumple-horned snorecack?

If you go looking for one right now, perhaps we'll see you again sometime....NOT!

Professor Snape

*is reminded by this letter that he must feed that rascally rat he's grown quite fond of here in the dungeons*

Snape fan

Severus my boy!

Good news!

Hogwarts is going to hold a talent show! Isn't that wonderful?

You will be paired with Lupin and Flitwick; Minerva, Sprout and Hooch will team up; Hagrid, Sybil and Filch will be a team.

How exciting!

The students will be the judges, so do your best!

*groans, and curses Headmaster*

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Did you recieve this notice from Dumbledore?

What the hell does he expect us to do??!

Snape

Snape fan

Severus,

Why don't we get together with Flitwick and meet? We certainly can't do anything worse than McGonagall, Hooch and Sprout!

You could always recite poetry - I hear the girls go wild for that voice of yours!

Remus

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

I'm all a-twitter about what to do for the talent noght.

Remus has said we three must meet together and plan out our act.

How about today in the teacher's lounge at 1:00?

Flitwick

Snape fan

Filius,

That sounds like a good idea. Do you have any talent?

I must congratulate you though. I heard you suggested to Minerva, Hooch and Sprout that they act out the witches scene in MacBeth as they wouldn't have to worry about costumes! Priceless! They do have the cackling part down pat, don't they? *snickers*

See you at 1:00.

Severus

If you need my help in the talent category, just let me know! I am the author of Taste for Talent you know (I'm sure you've read it).

I would be more than happy to lend my expertise to you and my good friends Remus and Filius!

Gildroy

Once again Witch Weekly's Favorite CoverMan

Scapegrace

Oh Dear God!

I thought we'd seen the last of you!

I certainly don't need any advice from a fool!

Professor Snape

Talented in so many ways

you can never hope to know.

I need to be groomed and I have no other centaurs to help. I can't reach the back places. Could you give me some names of students who might help assist me? I understand that Lavendar and the Patil twins enjoy unicorns. Perhaps they can help. What do you think?

Fierenze

Snape fan

My Dear Firenze,

I will be more than happy to send you the Patil twins to aid you in your problem.

Just say the word, and any student I have in detention will help you with your grooming!

Brilliant idea!

Professor Snape

Unfortunately my wife intercepted your last response to me and my situation has worsened!

She is now making me carry around a "wand," which, by the way, I am told not to wave around foolishly (not quite sure what that means).

She bought me a black bathrobe to wear around, although she says it doesn't billow enough behind me (I swear I don't understand her sometimes).

She has asked me to speak in a deeper, quiet voice (silky I think she said...how does one speak silkily?)

She refers to our children, and other children by their last names now.

She dresses our sons in all black and silver clothes.

She is talking about moving to Scotland.

And I really must protest this last bit Professor. We had an anniversary picture taken, and low and behold, somehow I got airbrushed out of it and now, on my coffeetable, sits a picture of my wife and you! That really is going over the line!

Perhaps you should come take her off my hands, so I can resume a normal life?

Becky's Husband

Scapegrace

*sigh, "I see I've ruined yet another marriage"*

Husband of a Snape Fan,

I'm sorry but there is really nothing I can do for you.

You'll just have to go on as best you can.

Perhaps your wife will suddenly drop all this fanatical nonsense and get back to what is really important in your life.

What, exactly, is that, by the way?

No matter, I have important matters to deal with.

Quit writing me with all your complaints.

How is it muggles are allowed to write me is a mystery.

Professor Snape

Homewrecker

I had such a great time at the London priemere. I hope you did as well.

My fellow actors are stil talking about you as, "that mysterous, swooping, swinger" they witnessed on the dance floor. I never realized you were such an excellent dancer!

You really surprised JKR when you dipped her during that tango number. I thought she was never going to stop laughing.

Hope to see you again soon. I will definately be inviting you to more parties!

Alan R.

Snape fan

Alan my friend,

I thank you for your compliment on my dancing. Pureblood wizards are taught from a very young age how to dance.

I wish I could same the same for muggles.

Is there something wrong with that JKR woman? She kept making comments about the likeness between you and me and jotting down little notes.

I look forward to more parties with you and will be inviting you to more functions here at Hogwarts.

Severus

Dancing Machine

I have the perfect thing for the talent show. Are you ready for this?

We will do our own rendition of Little Red Riding Hood. Lupin of course will play the wolf, I will play Little Red and you can play the grandmother (you did a splendid imitation of Longbottom's grandmother if you remember!)

What do you think?

I hear the three witches are going to sing

Filius

Scapegrace

Filius,

While I do believe your heart is in the right place, I do not think todays Hogwarts students are willing to sit through a Little Red Riding Hood skit. (Not to mention the fact that playing a granny is way-too-far beneath my talents I shall not even begin to address the reasons how.

I was thinking more along the lines of a Shakespeare reading.

I happen to be very excellent in this sort of thing.

Perhaps you and Lupin could do some pleasing sound-effects in the background as I read some lovely passages of poetry.

Whatever it is, it MUST be tasteful!

Severus

Will you be doing another lecture for the male students this year on the care and maintenance of their wands?

Keeping them in tip-top shape.

Maintaining their cleanliness.

When to use them and when to keep them in your pocket.

Protecting them from any sort of virus that may be going around.

That sort of thing.

It's essential that we keep pounding this information into their heads, as many I see, are becoming far to lax and casual about the importance of it all.

You did a superb job last year, and I am counting on you to perform the same this year.

Headmistress McGonnagal

Snape fan

Minerva,

Perhaps you should attend this class, as you seem to be under the impression that wands are able to get a virus.

As to the point of when and where to use them, I think some of the female students (I am thinking specifically of Miss Granger who is ready to hex anyone at the drop of a hat) could benefit from this discussion.

Therefore, I propose that we combine the students and both of us can go over the finer points of the care and use of the wand.

I, of course, will discuss the use of foolish wand waving, which some students, (and some professors too, *smirk*) do seem to enjoy.

Severus

*whose wand is always clean and virus-free*

Scapegrace

*Snape waits patiently for more letters*

*reads a muggle magazine article about on-line match-making.*.....

Dear Professor,

Dumbledore has informed me that you will be filling in for me in my Divination classes as I have been called away for jury duty for the next two weeks.

Stop by my room and I will give you all the notes and things you will need.

I'm sure you will enjoy the tealeaf-reading lesson. And the crystal ball-gazing hour as well.

See you shortly,

Prof. Trelawney

Snape fan

Professor (and I do use that term loosely), Yes, I will be taking over your Diviniation classes while you are gone, and I must say I am looking forward to it.

I do not need to stop by and pick up any notes or things from you...I already know what I will be teaching. *smirks*

As for tea leaf reading - the students will not be drinking tea in my class and I will not have any foolish crystal ball gazing going on while I am in charge!

Perhaps I will have the students try and guess their grades on the next Potions exam!

Professor Snape

Scapegrace

Dear Professor,

Since you are teaching Divination now, may I please sit in on your classes? I know you will be much more informative that that hack Trelawney!

Hermione

Snape fan

Dear Miss Granger,

Yes, you may sit in on this class, just so you can see how a real Divination class works!

However...you will keep your hand down and not answer any questions, unless directly asked to by me. I will have none of your know-it-all comments in this class.

Oh, and make sure Longbottom has something soft to fall on once he sees me enter the classroom as he will be fainting dead away.

Professor Snape

who can see some things in the future

Do you need anyone to look after your Potions class while you are teaching Divination?

I will be happy to help.

You know, I am almost a Potions Master myself, but my career got sidetracked.

Anyway, never fear, your students will be in good hands!

Gildroy Lockhart

Scapegrace

Lockhart,

I will hand over my Potions class only if you are willing to let me teach a few DADA classes next month. I would especially love to teach Potter the unforgivable curses! heh heh

We are currently learning the various poisonous plants needed in certain death-inducing potions. As you know these are very dangerous ingredients that must be handled with great care and respect.

Professor Sprout usually comes down to the dungeons and we share the classroom time learning the plants, extracting the poison, and brewing up the imgredients. I know you and she will get on famously. heh heh

*wonders is Sprout will ever speak to him again*

Prof. Snape

Never poisoned yet.

Snape fan

Dear M. Rubina,

Are you related to Sybil Trewlaney by any chance?

If I want to know what is written in the stars I will ask Firenze.

I don't believe in foolish crystal ball gazing.

I don't do tea leaves.

I will not be owling you for an appointment.

Professor Snape

Who doesn't need a crystal ball to see the future

Will you teach us how to read palms in Divination class?

Lavender Brown

Scapegrace

Miss Brown,

Palmistry is also frivolous quackery.

However, we will be spending part of my class on it as there will be no need for tea leaves, crystal balls, perfumes, or any other foolish items.

I shall be using Miss Granger as my assistant since she is not a class member and doesn't need to achieve a passing grade.

I only hope she is not a swooner who will faint at my slightest touch as I must hold her hand in mine to do the reading.

Prof Snape

(that was for you, Ces! )

How dare you take off from your potions class during the time I will be covering poisonous plants in your classroom supposedly with you!!!

Lockhart is already telling me what plants I should be discussing!!! He's even ordered some directly from Africa and Tibet of which I have no clue about!

I will get even with you for this!!!

Prof Sprout

Snape fan

thanks Becky!

Professor Sprout,

Complain to Dumbledore, he's the one who is making me teach for Sybil, so someone has to take over my classes and he so kindly suggested Lockhart.

As for Lockhart, he won't know which plant is which, so I suggest you send him around the classroom handing out supplies (that's about the extent of his potions abilities) and you deal with the real plants.

If you need some help, I could leave you a fainting potion that you could accidently administer to him. *smirks*

Let me know.

Severus

I had another idea for the talent show!

How about a scene from that muggle movie Star Wars? I could be Hans Solo, Flitwick could play Luke, and you could be Darth Vader.

Perfect, don't you think?

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

What on earth are you babbling about with all this "Star Wars" nonsense??

Who is this Darth Vader character?

What's wrong with me doing a, "My mistress eyes..." speaking whilst you provide the sound effects and Flitwick plays the lute in the background?

Like this:

My Mistress' Eyes

Well? What say you?

Snape

Snape fan

Sir,

I feel I must protest yet again, the effects you are having on my wife.

She practically resides in the gutter now.

Your name is on the license plate of her car. I am constantly getting asked if I am S. Snape

Everytime she sees a male with a wand now, she wonders just what exactly he is doing with it under cover of darkness (or the covers of his bed). It's embarassing I tell you.

And this remark from her: "I LUST Sevvy Baby!" is the last straw!

Now, I ask you Sir, what are you going to do about this??

Becky's Long-Suffering Husband

Aahlyia

Dear Becky's Suffering Husband,

Now why don't you tell me something dear Sir...

How is it that my mere existance, the fact that I am Severus Snape Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, an artist in the dungeons, basically the point being; I am what I am, and that's all that I am, is making not only your wife, whom I am sure is lovely, but all the women of the world: hagardly ugly, beautiful, plain Jane, etc...etc... go into fits of furious lust and maddening desire, putting at risk their fruitless marriages and tedious family life for the sake of fantasizing that they, someday, might have the remote chance of "stroking my wand".

Hmm??

I must say that my name resides not soley on your wife's car, sir, but in the very core of every woman's heart. It is the nature of the beast and it cannot be tamed. I am Severus Snape, let me remind you.

My only advice, Becky's Suffering Husband, is to remain calm and accept the fact that ...well, ....you are not me! Don't wimper, it is not fair, I know, but life is not fair afterall.

For example, I think I should have had a bigger role in the new movie Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban, but time was of the essence (dabs corners of both eyes with a blsck hankie) and some of my scenes had to be condensed or cut. But I will return and I have become even more popular than ever...especially around your houshold. (Smirks nastily).

Yours truly,

Severus Snape

Snape fan

Dear Professor,

Thank you for saving us from the werewolf. Where were you when Aragog wanted to feed us to his family?

R. Weasley

Scapegrace

Mr. Weasley,

What were you doing in the Forbidden Forest in the first place? What is it about the word "forbidden" that you don't understand? I can't be everywhere!

Stop doing idiotic things and you won't be in peril!

On second thought, go ahead back into the F.F., I'm sure there's a centaur or two, (and rumour has it a giant), that would love for you to visit!

Professor Snape, Potions Master

Not your Bodyguard!

Snape fan

Severus!

I have just been to see PoA and your acting was ok. Not up to my standards of course, but then....you are not me!

Had I been there, I would have been able to give you tips on how to save the children from the werewolf, instead of just placing yourself in front of them.

Let me know if you need some acting tips. I am available!

Gilderoy

Scapegrace

Lockhart you Giggling Gadabout,

I do not need any such acting tips from the likes of YOU!

I have received nothing but praise from my contemparaies and I should think you would be too busy learning loopy writing again!

Get Stuffed,

Prof. Snape

Sizzling Cinema Star

When the time comes, will you be ready to take on "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named"? We both know that Potter brat will need your help in defeating the most evil wizard of our time.

He's very clueless when it comes to such things.

Why, he even believes you are still in league with that dark Wizard.

But we know this isn't true, right?.....

Right?.........

I said RIGHT?.........

Hmmmmm, er,..... maybe you should just forget I sent this, hmmm?

Karky

Snape fan

Karkaroff,

Worry about yourself, not about me. I can handle the Dark Lord just fine, thank you very much.

Why don't you worry about that idiot Krum that you seem to think is so intelligent? I'll worry about Potter.

Snape

What is the one thing you fear most? Spiders scare me.

R. Weasley

Scapegrace

Weasley you red-headed mamby-pamby,

I'm tired of hearing all about your deepest darkest fears! (Oh yes,. It's all over the Slytherin commonroom how wimpy you are when it comes to arachnids; large and small.)

If you don't quit bothering me about these spiders, I shall have you in detention taxiderming a spider chart complete with all spiders native to Borneo, (and yes, this does include your favorite Acromantula!).

Now, act like a fly and buzz off!!!!

Pest!

Professor Snape

Snape fan

Dear Professor,

I understand you have a student who is deathly afraid of spiders.

Since you have always treated the creatures you find in the Forbidden Forest with respect, I am willing to supervise this student in a detention to show him not all spiders are bad.

I also understand he has come across me once before. I look forward to becoming reacquainted with him.

Regards,

Aragog

Scapegrace

*hmm, wonders how Aragog managed to send him an "owl" without eating the owl*

Mr. Aragog,

That is an excellent suggestion. I will be more than happy to send that simpering prat your way for detentions he's sure to receive under my critical teacher's eye.

I thank you and expect you should be seeing him some time this Saturday. I feel a drastic potions mishap coming his way that will cause him to need reprimanding.

Be ready.

Prof. Snape

Snape Fan

Snape!

I suppose you had something to do with the man who portrayed me in the movie??

He looked nothing like me! I am handsome, debonair, chicks flock to me!

THAT man had torn clothes, a beard, bad teeth, and he probably smelled!

Who do I write to to complain? I also need to give them an idea on who could portray you better.

Black

Mouse

Black,

I too was shocked to see Gary Oldman playing you in the movie. Has his career gone so badly lately that he can only find pathetic, rather than sympathetic, characters to play? Still, the man is an obvious talent; his impersonation of you on that "Wanted" poster was superb. You look just like that when you're laughing at your own jokes, Black.

Now I must confess that a few of the details in your letter are nagging at me somewhat... Handsome? Have you looked in a mirror lately, Black? No, that isn't a dementor who hasn't put on her make-up yet staring back at you. Debonair? Hmph. You must have got Remus to help you write this letter, because I don't give you credit for being able to spell "debonair" unassisted, let alone use it in a sentence. And chicks flock to you, you say? Well yes, people slow down to look at broomstick crashes too - human beings do have a strange fascination for truly horrific sights, Black. And while you mention that the chicks flock to you, you fail to mention the part where they jeer and throw rocks at you.

I'm sure Gary Oldman isn't happy about the public humiliation involved in playing you, so I think it very unsporting of you to draw attention to his plight by complaining about how he didn't perfect the role. It's true that he didn't quite nail that sweaty bone-rack swagger of yours when he walked, and that he didn't bother mimicking your constant scratching of various unmentionable bits of anatomy, but he can't be blamed for the other actors failing to sway whenever he spoke, which would have very convincingly conveyed the sinus-searing qualities of your remarkably penetrating halitosis. Alas, Black, there is probably no actor capable of accurately conveying both your ungodly unwholesomeness and your brick-brained stupidity at the same time. Everyone has limits.

As does Alan Rickman, sadly. I do agree with you that the casting department failed to find someone who could adequately capture the dark magnificence of the way I swoosh! down corridors, the imperial masculine beauty of my exquisitely aquiline nose, the erotic resonances of my melodious voice, and the smoldering sexuality that radiates off me like heat radiating off of glowing coals - but really, they did the best they could, and Rickman does an admirable job of portraying my natural majesty.

Now get back into the underworld, you filthy flea-ridden pooch-boy. I thought Rowling killed you off in the last book.

Most Sincerely,

Professor Snape

Snape fan

Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you continue to allow that mudblood to get better grades than me in class?

Everyone knows I am almost as good as you in Potions.

D. Malfoy

Mouse

(Thinks: )

Good gods, that inbred albino bed-wetter is whining at me again.

(Writes

My dearest young Draco,

How delightful to hear from you, lad, but I'm sure that's not a surprise to a clever fellow such as yourself. Every teacher's heart warms when interacting with his or her brightest student.

(Thinks

Gaaaaaakk!

(Writes

In regard to your letter: while certainly you are an unparalled prodigy in potions making, Draco, as your caring mentor, I feel honour-bound to caution you against the overconfidence that can lead to mishaps.

(Thinks

Mishaps such as the suicide you court by presuming to compare yourself to *ME*, you noxious little excrement-for-brains wanker! "Almost as good as you..." You dare! You bloody well dare! If you only knew that the reason I shield you from Harry Potter is so that I can kill you myself! I just need to work out how I'm going to get away with it... Oh soon, Malfoy Jr... You, me, a dark and stormy night somewhere deep in the forbidden forest, and some piano wire and a pair of jumper cables! And maybe a spade for the post-party clean-up...yes, oh yes...soon...

(Writes

While it is true that I have been forced against my every pure-blood instinct to grant a few high grades to some of the unsavory elements that infest Hogwarts, you will understand that this is forced upon me. Dumbledore's suspicions are allayed by my apparent "even-handedness", and the noble plans of your father to return the Dark Lord to power are furthered.

(Thinks

As if any plan that comes out of beautiful but empty heads of either of your parents could consist of anything more than blithe arrogance and self-aggrandizing fantasy. That pair of bimbos are only useful for blithering out useful information to all the wrong people, and, to be fair, a decent lay whenever I feel like slumming it with one of them. Sluts, the pair of them.

(Writes

Do pass along my warmest regards to your delightful parents when you get the chance.

(Thinks

And thank them for not breeding any more! If there were any more Malfoy spawn at Hogwarts, I'd do myself in!

(Writes

Yours most sincerely,

Sev

Snape fan

Severus

Dear Professor Snape,

What is your boggart?

H. Granger

Scapegrace

Ah, Miss Granger,

That is a personal and private matter of which I will never reveal to you nor any other living soul!

Though some have guessed that mine is pink fluffy bunny slippers, a rainbow, or a room full of sweaty men.

I have no idea what they are getting at.

At any rate, it is not for you to question and I must take 10 points from Griffindor for your rude question and ask you to write no less than a full parchment on the importance of the privacy of faculty members.

Prof. Snape

Snape fan

Professor,

Aragog has told me that Ron will be having detention with him this evening.

I will be around to make sure nothing happens to him, per your request.

Hagrid

Scapegrace

Hagrid,

You really don't need to watch too closely.

I'm sure Mrs Weasley wouldn't even notice him missing should Aragog ever loose control of himself and do the unthinkable.

Why, there are so many Weasley brats running about he'll hardly be missed!

Prof. Snape

Is there a potion to removeunwanted facial hair?

I was trying to grow hair on top of my head only. But it seems to have covered my entire face.

Please help!

Tom the formerly bald, hunchbacked, inn-keeper who was never described this way in the books! Snape fan

Dear Tom,

Yes, there is a potion for that and I will owl it over to you.

I also have a potion to remove that hump from your back.

Professor Snape

I saw in my crystal ball that you were going to be hurt this past weekend.

Are you alright?

I wish I could have warned you, but you ignored me.

Sybil

Scapegrace

Sybil, Sybil, Sybil,

Ignoring you is really the only way to deal with you.

You make everyone uncomfortable.

Thank goodness you choose to dine alone in your tower most of the time or I think the Great Hall Faculty table would be absent of it's members.

Might I suggest that you lighten up just a bit and cease this endless "gloom and doom" act that you present before every poor living soul you intrude upon? Even if you feel these "predictions" will happen, it does not do well to dwell on the inevitable, right? Really, if it is all written in the stars and we are doomed to our fates, what possible good could come from knowing upon which day our lives will end and by what ghastly method?

Is it the muggle group Bon Jovi which sings, "I just wanna live while I'm alive"? Yes, that is exactly what I think I shall do.

Prof., "It's my life", Snape

I am trying to reach another Snape Sister who I know reads your column every day. Her name is Ces.

Can you please tell her I'd love to talk to her, perhaps by AIM, sometime during the day? That would be great!

Oh, and, I think you're the sexiest man alive!

Snape Fan

Becky - I don't have AIM at work I'll try and come on tonight.

Dear Scapegrace,

Aren't you the one whose husband keeps writing to me for advice? Have you finally given up your obsession of me?

I am unobtainable *smirks*

I am not a post office either...however Ces has gotten your message and will reply accordingly.

Oh, and in the future, please refrain from thinking I run an owlry. Now go back to that long suffering husband of yours. I really don't relish receiving another letter from him.

Professor Snape

who is the sexiest man alive

What is your favorite song?

P. Patil

Scapegrace

Miss Patil,

While I have many favorite songs, I must admit I do love the song "No one Knows What it's Like To Be the Bad Man" by the Who.

Here are the lyrics...

That's The Who, Miss Patil. Your parents would understand.

Professor Snape

I keep losing my things. Including my cauldron, my potions ingrediants bag, and my notes on Poisonous Potions Remedies that you lectured about the other day.

I don't understand where they could have gotten to. But if you wait until the end of the school year for my report on the poisons, that would be great.

My things always somehow just turn up about then,

Thanks!

Luna L.

Snape Fan

Miss Lovegood,

The simple answer to your question is....NO!

I do not know why you keep losing your things, nor, frankly, do I care. All I DO care about is you get your report in on time or you will be serving a detention with Mr. Filch.

Professor Snape

If you enjoy muggle literature, there is a book I'm sure you would enjoy reading.

It's called: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I found it very interesting. Perhaps we can discuss it when you finish it.

H. Granger

Mouse

Dear Miss Granger,

When did I ever say that I enjoy muggle literature? Or indeed, your company?

The logs that the house-elves brought in last night for my fireplace were a bit damp and hard to light; your book made excellent kindling. Feel free to discuss that with whoever you please, as long as it's not me.

Professor Snape

You're looking a bit peaky. Have you been working too hard lately? My husband says you just need some sunshine and fresh air, but I think you could do with some feeding up. Why don't you come over to our house for dinner tomorrow evening? A man your age shouldn't spend so much time alone.

Affectionately,

Molly Weasley

Snape Fan

Molly,

I thank you for your concern, and I will accept your invitation on one condition...please do not have any of your children present! A dinner, with two intelligent (somewhat anyway, he thinks to himself) adults will be welcome.

See you tomorrow!

Severus

I need you to chaperone the Hogsmeade trip this weekend. I know that Minerva usually does it, but she will be busy planning the teachers' retreat we are having next summer.

I know I can count on your participation in both areas!

Albus

Mouse

Albus,

You do realise that the minute they get to Hogsmeade, Minerva usually sets all the brats loose and then bunks off to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer or three? I mean really, half the teachers go up there with her - chaperoning the kiddies in Hogsmeade is a JOKE.

Yes, I suppose I can spend the better part of a day nursing a fifth of Ogghams and watching Lady Rosemerta's lovely behind as she serves drinks. But I HAD been planning to wash my hair this weekend.

Yours,

Severus

PS - Can you ask Minerva to please ensure that the summer retreat next year doesn't involve a repeat of that travesty known as the three-legged race? Dragging Flitwick across the finish line by my ankle was humiliating enough for me; I can't imagine what he thought of it. Still, we did win - not that he remembered to thank me for it or anything.

I was wondering if you've ever heard of the Snapeybot. I found it while mucking around on my computer (a muggle device - sort of an artificial brain) on the internet (a kind of electronic bulletin board that allows muggles to communicate with other muggles all over the world) over the summer holidays, and I think you should be concerned about it.

It's pretending to be you, and giving out answers in your name. It, er, asked me if I wanted it to be my master (but I answered no of course! I knew it wasn't really you). I can show you the Snapeybot sometime, but we'll obviously need to get away from Hogwarts first. Magic interferes with the electronics in computers. I thought maybe a nice internet cafe to start off - we'll have a few lattes together and surf the net - and then maybe dinner and a movie after...?

Yours,

Hermione

Snape Fan

Miss Granger,

I am not totally ignorant of muggle things. I do know what a computer is, and I know what the Internet is thank you very much.

How do you know that the snapeybot isn't real? *smirks* And are you quite sure that all things electronic don't work at Hogwarts? While I know you are a know-it-all, you don't know everything of the workings of Hogwarts Miss Granger. *chuckles*

As for dinner and a movie, perhaps that can be arranged in the summer.

Professor Snape

Are you trying to steal my girlfriend?

R. Weasley

Mouse

Weasley,

Girlfriend? You? Who are you dating, one of Hagrid's giant pumpkins? I can't imagine any girl being able to withstand the glare of your florescent orange hair long enough to kiss your spotty visage, never mind her having the warped inclination to do so. So no, I'm not trying to steal your pumpkin, or whatever other inanimate object you've been molesting. 5 points from Griffindor for being a pathetic prat.

Snape

I'm at a loss for what to plan for the teacher's retreat next summer. Albus said someone complained about the three-legged race, so that's out, and the Brazilian male strippers I was trying to book have another engagement and can't make it. Have you any suggestions?

Minerva

Snape Fan

Minerva,

How about a potions lesson for the professors? Lord knows they could use it. *smirks*

I will think on this issue and get back with you...but please, let's have no repeat of the bowling tournament that Albus had a few years back.

Perhaps badminton?

Severus

Is it true that you can read palms?

L. Lovegood

Mouse

Miss Lovegood,

Hmm. You're a little young for this, but since you're obviously hearing fragments of things and misinterpreting them, I feel I must set you straight.

No, it's not that I can read palms, but rather that my palms can read a woman's body.

Now, if you want to know more about reading palms, go ask Madame Trelawney.

And for that matter, If you want to know more about what I do, you can still go ask Madame Trelawney. <*smirks*>

Professor Snape

It's nearly the end of July, and I notice that you haven't booked off your holidays yet this year. I just found a great deal on a swing dancing cruise, but the sale price is based on double occupancy. Want to come with me? We'll have to share a cabin.

Hagrid

Snape Fan

Ahhh Hagrid,

As much as I would like to attend this event *rolls eyes* I must decline. As you know, we are having the annual staff retreat and I must be around to make sure Professor McGonagall doesn't get out of hand.

Professor Snape

I don't understand the potion you went over in class today. Professor Dumbledore said you might give me some extra tutoring this weekend.

H. Potter

Mouse

Mr. Potter,

The reason you don't understand the potion we went over in class today is because you were inhaling the fumes, you stupid boy! I specifically warned the entire class that the vapours wafting off of the draught of stupefication can befuddle the mind and ensnare the senses. If you had actually listened to me for once, you would be able to remember the events that occurred between 3 PM and dinnertime today!

Not that your classmates and I won't fondly cherish the memories of those events; the lampshade was a nice touch, and where did you learn to samba like that, Mr. Potter? On top of a desk, no less. And such fetching underpants; were those a present from Dobby?

Regardless of what Professor Dumbledore might have told you, I believe in educational evolution: survival of the fittest, and a tasty meal made out of the weakest. No, I will not tutor you. Try cracking a book for once in your life, if you feel the need to catch up.

And next time, PAY ATTENTION!!

Professor Snape

The Health and Safety committee are coming by to inspect your laboratory next Thursday. Could you please check that your fume hood airflow is sufficient? And please, please, please! remove any illegal potion ingredients you might have acquired since the last inspection! That sort of thing is incredibly embarrassing for Hogwarts, as was that very childish tantrum you threw when they took away your powdered koala kneecaps last time. I don't care how expensive it was, or how hard it was to find, they WILL confiscate such items, so make sure you are not "accidentally" in possession of any this time around! Dumbledore can't keep covering your arse indefinitely.

You only make a bloody teacher's salary; I would have thought the fines they keep slapping you with would be an effective enough deterrent, but as you've gotten zinged three years running now, I thought I'd better remind you.

Yours,

Flitwick

Scapegrace

"Bloody Health and Safety inspectors", *grabs vial labled "Koala Kneecaps" and shoves it into a secret compartment behind the Masterhearth at the right of the classroom.* "Always sticking their noses into my affairs", *pulls off two more beakers from his storage shelves. one labled, "Essence of Veela Extract" and the other labled "Unicorn horn", and stows them beneath the second floorboard to the left of his desk which always gives off a tell-tale squeak whenever a student crosses it..."I'll show them! There'll be nothing here for them this time!"...

Flitwick,

I thank you for the "heads-up".

Everything is in order here.

No need to worry about a thing.

S.Snape

We have a complaint from a Florence Evans here that names you as the father of her son Mark.

You must be present at the hearing to defend your case at 8:00 am., monday morning the 26th of July, 2004.

You may bring representation if you choose.

MoM Civil Court

Mouse

(thinks: ) Gasp! No! Florence, my one true love! For the safety of our son, you swore you would never tell! How will I protect them now from the Deathea... Oh wait - Florence Evans? Florence Evans? <*thinks hard*> That's not the right Florence... She can't have changed her name, can she? She swore she'd marry no one but me. And didn't she say the kid was named "Mordecai"? Right then; who is this bird? <*starts flipping through little black book*> Florence Evans...Florence Evans...

(writes: )

Dear MoM Civil Court's pathetic flunky,

Bring it on! I've never met any woman named Florence Evans!

Yours,

Prof. S. Snape

(thinks: ) Mental note: must speak to Dumbledore, quite sternly, about his use of polyjuice potion. And about parental responsibilities.

I am writing to complain to you about your lack of control in the classroom. My daughter Lavender told me that she recently saw a boy dancing on the desks during potions class, singing "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and wearing only his underwear and a lampshade! She says that you]/i] did nothing but sigh heavily and ignore him!

As a concerned parent, I must protest this namby-pamby handling of your students! Show some backbone! In my day, the teachers carried their willow canes around with them, could out-bellow the fans at a World Cup soccer match, and outwrestle a busload of rugby-playing nuns. I demand that you discipline the children adequately! If this matter is not dealt with to my satisfaction, I will be lodging a formal complaint with the Hogwarts Board of Governors.

I warn you that I am on quite friendly terms with Lucius Malfoy.

Sincerely,

Mr. M. B

Scapegrace

Dear Mr. B.

Oh, you needen't bother my good friend Lucius.

He's rather tied up at the moment, what with being prisoner in cell block 13. (And I understand he's getting on quite famously with prisoner #2 in cell block 13, due to all the overcrowding since that bratty scar-boy entrapped the lot of them down at the M.O.M.)

Anyway, that incident you speak of was nothing really.

One problem-student of mine clumsily spilled fairy dust all over a Slytherin student named Vincent Crabbe, and he was temporarily taken for a bit of wimsy as a chorus-girl from a caberet act.

We simply ignored him as best we could until the fairy dust had run it's course.

I assure you, the dunderhead from Griffindor who spilled the mess will be serving up the remaining detentions with myself, as well as Mr. Filch our caretaker, doing all sorts of unpleasant tasks.

As for the springy willow whip, unfortunately, Headmaster Dumbledore did away with such things in his first day on the job. Believe me, I too long for the freedom past teachers have had with dishing out stern punishments for misbehavior.

Alas, it can only be met with a good pickling of rats brains or the standard bucket of leeches that need peeling.

sincerely,

Prof. Snape

I don't understand why you refuse to pay child support for our child Mark.

When we married and I took on your Evans family name, it was with the understanding that you would also share the responsibilities of fatherhood.

This does not mean the yearly birthday card, (if you even remembered that), but regular visits to him as well as the financial support.

I know that you are rather put-off by his muggle step-father, but that shouldn't stop you from making these visits and showing your love and support for him.

Sincerely,

Florence

p.s. (see you in court!)

Snape Fan

Dear Ms. Evans,

Since I have never met you before, I find it hard to believe that we share a son.

Nowhere in my family history do I have the name Evans, nor do I ever plan to.

Accordingly, please stop bothering me. I suggest you look for some other wizard to pay your child support.

Professor Snape

Thank you for your cooperation for the annual inspection. We found your classroom clean, and all potions neatly labelled and stored correctly.

We can only wish that all Potion Masters' were as careful as you. We intend to use you as an example to all.

MoM

Mouse

"Heh, heh, heh...mischief managed..."

You were quite right. It's high time we organised an intervention for Sybil. Her drug habit has got right out of hand; last night I found her passed out in the prefect's bathroom wearing a fake mermaid tail and a muggle necktie as a brassiere. Thank goodness there were no students awake at that hour to see!

Dumbledore says Hogwarts will pay for her stay in rehab. Could you be available tomorrow afternoon? Sybil is always so much more docile and eager-to-please when you're there, for some reason.

Minerva

Snape Fan

Minerva,

I will be there if I must.

The reason Sybil is so much more docile when I am around is because years ago I threatened to bring her to a meeting of the DeathEaters. *smirk*

She obviously thinks she is one of the merpeople. Perhaps a stay in the lake with the squid, rather than rehab would help her more.

Severus

I hear that Professor Trelawney will not be teaching for awhile. I sincerely hope that this means Divination will be taken off the required courses.

It's a load of bunk!

H. Granger

Scapegrace

Miss Granger,

Simply because you, (and certain "Delusional-Mermaid-Wannabes" seem to have no talents in this study of Divination, doesn't mean the entire curriculum of this topic is popycock.

Why, there have been many accurate predictions made by witches and wizards throughout our history, if you only took the time to research this.

Instead, you have maligned a very important study, and for this, I must insist on giving you a detention, with me, in my dungeons.

(Bring parchment as you will be taking many notes).

(And a pillow).

(I'll be providing the insense, draft of enlightenment, and soft music).

Professor Snape.

Why do we need to do an essay on poison anti-dotes?

If we're already poisoned, there's nothing much we can do about it then, is there?

And who would want to poison us anyway???

Pansy

Mouse

Miss Parkinson,

I fail to see why there is any question in your miniscule mind as to why you need to do an essay on poison antidotes. You need to do an essay on poison antidotes because I TOLD YOU TO.

As for your second question, some poisons work quite slowly, so there very well might be something you can do about it, isn't there? Other than simply awaiting your grisly fate, that is.

Speaking of grisly fates, since you don't seem very motivated to do your essay, Miss Parkinson, I've decided to give you a more interesting project to do instead: Based on the symptoms you are currently experiencing, brew an antidote to counteract the poison you think you have been given.

You have three days to perform this task (I assure you, there is no point in asking me for an extension). Since you are a Slytherin, I will be especially sporting about it and give you a bit of helpful advice: hand-eye coordination will be getting a bit tricky by day three. So you had best hurry.

And incidentally, does that answer your last question? I hope you enjoyed your pumpkin juice this morning.

Don't question me again; I don't like it.

Yours,

Professor Snape

I'm feeling a bit odd about that detention I served with you last night. I, um, don't remember a lot of it, to be honest, but it seemed...well...rather nice, actually. I feel sort of...um...more womanly, now. I don't really know why.

Could you, er, tell me what it was we actually did? I think it's something I'd like to show Ron. And maybe tell my mother about.

xoxo,

Hermione

Scapegrace

* Poor Pansy! *

Miss Granger,

Oh come now!

Didn't you take notes as instructed?!

Pity.

Weasley will have to fumble through life as usual.

Professor Snape,

Ensnaring the Senses

I was wondering if I could pop into your class this afternoon and borrow some of that pixie dust you were telling me you had aquired.

How I do enjoy a good "lift" every now and then!

I'm having a few friends over this weekend and I'd like to make it a memorable one for all!

You're invited to the party as well, of course, but I'm not sure you'd enjoy the company I keep. They can get a bit...friendly.

Although, with a couple of my special fuzzy navals sprinkled with the pixie dust, perhaps you would lighten-up a bit and enjoy yourself as well!

p.s.

You'll have to bring your own pink bunny suit as I haven't got enough to go round!

Filius Flitwick

Snape Fan

Ahhh Filius,

I thank you for your gracious invitation, but I must refuse. I am having to sponsor a detention for a bunch of dunderhead Gryffindors.

I will bring you your pixie dust at dinner tonight though.

Perhaps you might want to invite Minerva. I hear she looks good in pink bunny suits *chuckles*

Severus

I am off to the tropics for a week. Would you care to accompany me?

They have a candy factory that specializes in lemon drops. Just think of the fun we could have looking through that store!

Albus

Scapegrace

Oh dear...*visualizes Albus in old-fashioned, striped, swim-trunks*...um,

Headmaster,

Now, I think you'd find me a bit of a "party-pooper" when it comes to swinging in the tropics.

I try to avoid all sunlight when I can, and the crowds are really a bit too much for me to take.

The truth about lemon drops is,..I detest them. I always have.

I prefer the nice hard crunch of a cockroach cluster any day.

Have fun on your trip!

I look forward to a postcard with a voluptious mermaid on it!

Prof. Snape

Cool in the Shade

My daughter, Pansy, tells me you have poisoned her with some potion placed in her pumpkin juice.

She's beginning to shake violently and can no longer research an antidote in the library as she cannot hold a book open properly.

I demand that you give her the antidote immediately or I shall have to report you to the headmaster and the M.O.M.!

Really!

A fellow Slytherin and all!

We'll see what the DE members have to say about this!!!!

Mr. Parkingson

Mouse

Dear Albus,

Terribly sorry, but I'm going on a swing dancing cruise with Hagrid next week. Can't make it, what a shame. Pity to miss out on the lemon drops, but I'm sure you will offer them to me incessantly when you get back.

Bon voyage,

Severus

Some of the students and I have convinced the death metal band Toxic Magic to do an all-ages concert at Hogwarts next month! But we need to have a certain number of chaperones present.

I was hoping you could supervise the mosh pit. You have just the right sort of hair and wardrobe to fit in with all the other fans (say - do you like Toxic Magic? Maybe you're a fan too!), so you would make the least obtrusive chaperone. It'll be great! Crowd-surfing is almost as much fun as levitating! (but with the same danger of ending up with head injuries, unfortunately)

Sincerely,

Lee Jordan

Snape Fan

Mr. Jordan,

No, I will not chaperone your event, as a matter of fact, I have cancelled said event and you will be serving detention with me for the next month.

I do not approve of death metal bands - they are mindless idiots with no appreciation of music.

Professor Snape

You have a lot of nerve telling Flitwick that I would come to his pixie party!

I do not, nor have I ever, worn a pink bunny suit! The very thought makes me sick!

I will be speaking to Albus about this!

Minerva

Mouse

Dear Minerva,

I do believe Dumbledore is on holiday now. Tsk, tsk; for shame! You'll have to talk to him when he gets back, "Bunny" McGonnagall. <*smirks*>

[Pauses for a moment to consider a mental image of Minerva wearing a pink bunny suit. After a minute or two, starts to sweat, and then shakes his head abruptly and mutters "Aloof! I am aloof, and above such carnal diversions! Aloof!" ]

Sincerely,

Severus

Your daughter's shakiness is only due to nerves and abject cowardice; I did not really poison her.

She has only been given a mild dose of Evachescho's Temporary Malaria Elixer, the symptoms of which should be quite mild yet. Without treatment, the Elixir wears off after about four days, at which point she will be quite fine.

In possesion of a failing grade for Potions class, but fine. You see, her symptoms should have led her to believe that she had been given Affermorth's "Slowhand" Death Drink, the antidote for which is well know and quite within the abilities of a fifth year student to prepare. However, since she has decided to go whine to daddy instead of looking up a single, simple antidote in the library and preparing it for her own miserable self, I have no choice but to fail her on her project. Merlin's tits, but the caliber of Slytherins has dropped in recent years; it makes me weep.

As has the quality of so called DE's such as yourself, you bloody amateur. Apparently your daughter takes after you, Parkinson - lazy little sleaze-ball that you are. I mean, SURE you're a Deatheater - you keep your dues paid up and take care of the tea caddy fund, don't you? But really, Parkinson, when was the last time you did a stroke of REAL work for the Dark Lord? And I don't mean calling him a cab at the end of pub night, I mean risking your life! Consorting with evil! Rubbing your self-esteem laciviously all over Voldemort's smelly bootheels for the merest scrap of his appreciation! WELL!?!

That's right. Not lately. So don't even speak to me, you jumped-up little plop of Dementor-excrement. Or the next time pub night rolls around, I'll make sure you're nursing a pint of "Slowhand" yourself...

Sincerely,

Professor S. Snape.

I represent a muggle television show called "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". We are very interested in having you on our program for a make-over. Isn't that fabulous? We've been sent a photograph of you, and think you've got *lots* of potential, darling! Our hosts are just itching to turn you into a stud-muffin, so say you'd love to be on the show, honey!

As a reward, you'll get to keep the wardrobe that the hosts pick out for you, and of course we will pay all your expenses while you're in town for the filming. Let us know as soon as possible!

Yours,

"Pinky" Gregor

Q.E.F.T.S.G.

PS - Loved you in that Calvin Klein ad you posed for a while back, sugar!

Snape Fan

Dear "Pinky" (shudders)

I have forwarded this letter on to Gildroy Lockhart. I'm sure he would love a makeover, although I'm sure he could give you some tips also.

Please do not bother me again or you will need your own "fabulous" makeover.

Professor Snape

Who already has lots of potential, without the need of those 5

Mouse

Dear Professor Snape,

I barely passed my O.W.L. in Potions!! What's the deal with that?!! You've been giving me good grades since first year; how could I have done so lousy on an external, standardized test? I don't understand!

This is all Granger's fault! She's a curve-wrecker!

Draco

[note to those unfamiliar with my slang: a "curve-wrecker" is a person who gets abnormally high grades - if a class does uniformly badly on an exam, and is counting on the professor adjusting the grades according to a bell curve (i.e. scaling the marks upward such that the average grade is 75% or something), then the curve-wrecker messes up the adjustment for everyone else by reducing the amount by which their grades get raised.]

Snape Fan

Draco,

Please don't try and blame Miss Granger for your failings. As you know, the O.W.L.'S are graded by the Ministry and not by myself, so if you refuse to place the blame squarely where it belongs, which is on your pathetic self, then please blame the Ministry official who graded your project.

I fear you have reached your potential in Potions and will never be very good in that area, as that particular O.W.L.'S exam was easy enough for someone who actually studied. Even Longbottom passed it.

Professor Snape

I understand my daughter, Pansy, barely passed her O.W.L.S Potions exam.

Please explain this. I know for a fact she is intelligent, I mean, just look who her parents are!

Mrs. Parkinson

Mouse

Dear Mrs. Parkinson,

Having met both you and your husband (do tell him we missed him on the last DE pub night, won't you?), I can only agree that your daughter clearly takes after you both in terms of mental capabilities.

And how well did you do in your O.W.L. Potions exam all those many years ago, Mrs. Parkinson? Never mind about answering that; I looked it up in Hogwarts records - not too well, did you? I am wounded, Mrs. Parkinson, wounded to the core, that you would actually complain about the fact that your daughter, who so clearly takes after you intellectually, actually PASSED her O.W.L, unlike either of her parents.

I do believe that you should be thanking me on bended knee for pulling her through, Mrs. Parkinson. While I agree that an "Acceptable" grade in Potions is nothing for a Slytherin to be proud of, it was obviously my peerless teaching abilities that pulled Pansy through. Perhaps she should study more in future with that bright boy, Theodore Nott, rather than with Draco Malfoy, who also barely scratched a passing grade for himself in the O.W.L's. It does pay to be mindful of the calibre and quality of person that your child is snogging with - oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say - studying with.

Maybe it was a good thing that she didn't have to brew that poison antidote for herself after all, hmm? Antidotes can themselves turn out to be poisonous when improperly prepared.

Yours,

Professor Snape

We just wanted to thank you for your very fine instruction of our Hermione. She got an "Outstanding!" grade on her Potions O.W.L. We couldn't be prouder, of course, and just wanted to thank you, and let you know how well your efforts with her have paid off.

In fact, we wondered if we might invite you over for dinner with us and our little Hermione in two days time. We haven't told her that we're inviting you, but she thinks so highly of all her professors that we thought we'd give her this little treat.

And of course this will give us some time to talk more about that corrective cosmetic dentistry that you were so interested in. Let us know if you'll be coming!

Yours,

Mr. and Mrs. Granger

Snape Fan

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Granger,

Most owls I have received from parents lately have been complaining about the children's score in Potions. It's nice to know that Miss Granger, even though she is still a know-it-all, scored well. Believe me, she is one of the few that take the class seriously.

Usually I don't accept invitations from parents to dinner, but I am curious to know if your daughter talks as much at home as she does in school.

Therefore, I accept your kind offer and look forward to dinner. I ask one favor though - please don't let her know which professor is coming to dinner. I think we should keep that "treat" a surprise.

As for the cosmetic dentistry, perhaps I could arrive at your work early and see just how Muggles handle their dental work. Please let me know.

Professor Snape

I expect to see you in my office this afternoon for tea!

We need to discuss the Spring Fling that the students will be having before their spring break.

I believe Albus put us in charge of decorations. Thankfully, Flitwick is not involved this year in that aspect. Remember how he and Albus went a tad overboard last year on that? *shudders*

Minerva

Mouse

Dear Minerva,

You know, it really would decrease your reputation as an insufferably harpie, not to mention make me more willing to actually comply with your requests if you didn't issue them as orders like that.

Fine, I will be in your office for tea this afternoon. And I agree that keeping Albus and Filius well away from the bunting would be a good thing, given the screaming horror of pink and yellow that the Great Hall was at last year's "Spring Fling".

Why do we have to celebrate spring anyway? Such a depressingly bright and breezy season. Well, I suppose the students need something to lift their spirits. I was thinking we could hold the Spring Fling in the Dungeons this year; the one that the ghosts always have their Deathday parties in would be big enough. And as for decor, perhaps something really festive, like soft green lighting with grey streamers hanging from the ceiling in long strips. I do like the way that dangling streamers waft so morosely with the slightest breeze - it gives the place a real ambience.

Actually, maybe we should ask the ghosts for help with the decorations - the Deathday parties always look quite stunning.

Yours,

Severus

There's a bloody awful stink in the Slytherin common room. We think Blaise Zabini's baby basilisk got into the pipes and died there. We've been trying to figure out where it is so we can get the house-elves to remove it, but we're having a lot of trouble finding where the smell is coming from. Could you give us a bit of magical help on that front?

Given that owning basilisks is technically against the law, we didn't really want to ask any of the other teachers for assistance (although if Hagrid were bright enough to be of any use, we figure he would be sympathetic). Besides, Dumbledore is likely to be a bit hyper-sensitive about such creatures after that whole "heir of Slytherin" kiling spree thing a few years ago.

I'm sure you can make good use of even a small and partly decayed carcass of basilisk in your potions lab, so would you be so kind as to give us a hand, Sir? We thank you in advance.

Yours Respectfully,

Theodore Nott.

Snape Fan

Dear Mr. Nott,

To answer your question simply - No, I will not aid you in your quest to find the solution you seek. Considering the year you are in, you should be able to figure this simple problem out for yourselves, and if you can't then you deserve to suffer.

As for the implication that the Headmaster doesn't know of this situation, again you are wrong. He is aware and agrees with me.

Professor Snape

Who sometimes is ashamed of the quality of Slytherins these days

We look forward to having you for dinner next week. We have told Hermione we are having a guest, but she is not aware it is you.

We have to be honest though Sir, and tell you she has not always spoken highly of you, although she does respect you. And she does have a bit of a temper, interestingly enough, she has mentioned you have one also. This should be an adventure!

You are more than welcome to stay the weekend if you like, and visit the muggle world. We will be visiting some museums and a water park. You can swim?

See you soon!

Mr & Mrs Granger

Scapegrace

Mr and Mrs Granger,

I'm dining with you, isn't that enough??!

I certainly don't want people seeing me with any of you!

I have my reputation to think about!!!

I will arrive for dinner at 7:00 if that is alright?

Please, no seafood!!!

Professor Snape

I had a nice idea and I thought I'd run it by you.

How about, at the Spring Fling, I kick it off with a bang by reading a short poem titled, "Spring"?

Here it is:

SPRING

by: Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

O what purpose, April, do you return again?

Beauty is not enough.

You can no longer quiet me with the redness

Of little leaves opening stickily.

I know what I know.

The sun is hot on my neck as I observe

The spikes of the crocus.

The smell of the earth is good.

It is apparent that there is no death.

But what does that signify?

Not only under ground are the brains of men

Eaten by maggots.

Life in itself

Is nothing,

An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.

It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,

April

Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

Ah, I especially love that last part. It always chokes me up.

I do hope I can read it without doing so.

Well, Minerva, what do you think?

Severus Snape

Mouse

[Awww... Ya beat me to it, Scapegrace! I was going to have Severus politely inquiring as to whether speedos were still considered fashionable swim-wear in the muggle world... ]

Dear Severus,

I don't think the children would be mature enough to properly appreciate your reading. I think it best if you don't bother with it; it's like trying to teach a pig to sing, you know? It doesn't work, you don't get any thanks, and it annoys the hell out of the pig.

And don't worry about helping me with the decorations actually. Sybil Trelawney just got out of rehab and needs something to keep her busy until the shaking stops. We'll do just fine on our own.

Thank you anyway,

Minerva

Sorry to do this to you, old friend, but you're going to have to call up Parkinson and tell him that you aren't really planning to poison him (and never mind if you are - we won't miss him - we just need you to say that). Parkinson's a pathetic excuse for a Deatheater, but he takes care of all those little details so well. Someone's been filching money out of the tea caddy fund since he stopped taking care of it (Malfoy again, no doubt) and Voldemort just about got on his broomstick sh*tfaced at the last pub night. I mean, somebody has to call a cab when the Dark Lord's had too much to drink, and risk getting laminated to the pavement for daring to suggest he can't fly in that state, and it's better Parkinson than one of us, right? You must remember what happened to poor Rubbin; Voldemort just can't handle his liquor.

Incidentally, a couple of us were going to jinx some payphones in London this Friday, and then maybe take in a show. Want to come along? Oh yeah, and Voldemort wanted to know if you've heard anything more about Dumbledore's angina problems; any chance of the old boy snuffing it anytime soon?

Toodles,

Augustus Rookwood

Snape Fan

Rookwood,

I will send the owl as requested. We can't have Parkinson thinking he's being poisoned now, can we? *smirk*

Thanks for the invitation for Friday, but I must decline. I have a previous engagement, which should prove very interesting (wonders if he can use some of the Granger dental equipment as torture on DeathEaters).

I don't know where the Dark Lord gets the impression that Dumbledore suffers from angina. He is in perfect health for a man of 150 years old, in better health than the Dark Lord as a matter of fact. *smirks again*

Snape

Thanks for your assurance that I'm not being poisoned. I don't think our master would appreciate seeing one of his inner circle snuff it.

Now that that is settled, I will owl Pansy and give her the same assurances that she is in good health. You do know she is engaged to Draco don't you?

Please make sure her grades reflect the intelligence she has inherited from her mother and myself.

Parkinson

Mouse

(Thinks: "Inner" circle? The idiot who buys the tea leaves and cream thinks he's part of the "inner" circle? I don't bloody well think so. Just like I don't bloody well think Draco and Pansy are engaged. Sounds like Draco is leading Pansy on to try to get a bit farther than just snogging her... *sigh* Time to do my job as Head of Slytherin House in earnest, and have a little chat with them both - Pansy about birth control and boys who lie about how they feel, and Draco about responsibility and just what a pain it is to have to pay child support for twenty-odd years (and don't I know about that - *SIGH*). "Please make sure her grades reflect the intelligence she has inherited from her mother, etc?" I bloody well do, you dolt! Good grief but could these people be any more stupid? Pfft! If his feelings are actually in earnest, Draco will make a fine addition to this family, I must say. Nothing but venom and spittle for brains, the lot of them.)

Dear Parkinson,

So glad you feel reassured. Look forward to seeing you on the next pub night; I'll buy you a round. No need to worry about poisonings, now that you and I are "mates" again, hey? (snickers darkly to himself, fingering a small vial of dark potion that lies on his desk)

Snape

Lemon drop?

It's a lemon drop from the tropics! I just got back yesterday. I still have sand in the bottom of my underwear! Such a lovely holiday!

Minerva tells me that she and Sybil are now doing the decorations for the Spring Fling, instead of you and she. Severus, I really must protest! You need to get back onto that decoration committee, pronto! Sybil is coming up with crazier design ideas than a giant wolf spider on crack cocaine, channelling the spirit of Salvador Dali! Flitwick poked his head in the other day, and stumbled around for the rest of the afternoon shaking uncontrollably and looking pale. Minerva won't even look me in the eye when I ask her why Sybil has placed an order with the Hogwart's kitchens for fifty barrels of whipped cream to be brought upstairs on the day of the Fling!

Get your black-swaddled arse back in there, and try to get those two old baggages under control, won't you? There's a lad.

Yours,

Dumbledore

Snape Fan

Albus,

If I recall correctly, and I do *smirks* it was you who wanted Sybil to become more active in the school activities.

You are one to talk about going overboard on decorating. Wasn't it you who sends cupids flying about the Great Hall during Valentine's Day? Tiny little leprechauns dancing on the tables on St. Patrick's Day. And need I even mention the falling snow (landing in our plates and making our meals cold I might add), jingle bells chiming throughout the castle 24 hours a day, and Santa Claus sitting by the front door of the castle asking children if they have been good or bad this year?

Personally, I think Minerva and I should concentrate on the entertainment and leave you, Filius and Sybil to decorate as you see fit.

Severus

Albus is trying to rope me into being on the decorating committee for this Spring Fling thing.

Can I help you and Minerva instead on the entertainment? Please don't make me help the insane trio! When I left, they were cackling (yes, Albus was actually cackling, a very scary thing to see I assure you).

Remus

Mouse

Dear Remus,

What a bloody mess this whole Spring Fling fiasco is becoming - probably what one deserves for bothering to celebrate something as silly and depressing as spring... Daffodils and humping bunnies: is that anything to celebrate? I mean really; how disgusting.

So now Minerva has been bumped from the decorations committee too? And Albus and Filius are back on it, with brain-addled Sybil egging them on. Wonderful. Exactly what we were trying to avoid, except worse.

I don't know, Remus - I understand what a horror it must be for you to get dragged into that pastel-bunting-and-paper-flowers nest of insanity, but we need someone to try to rein those three in. [Thinks: and it won't bloody well be me!] Sorry Remus. Minerva and I won't need any help. You'll have to tough it out on the decorating committee. Just remember to set anything that makes you gag on fire, and you'll be all right.

But don't take it too hard; Minerva's idea of entertainment always seems to feature either herself singing cheap music, or Brazilian male strippers dancing to cheap music. I'm not going to be having any fun with this either.

Yours,

Severus

I recently graduated from Hogwarts. I was in Ravenclaw, so naturally I find intelligence nearly the sexiest attribute a man can possess. Which of course has brought you, forcefully, to my attention over the years.

Since I'm not your student anymore, there's no moral reason why we can't get together now. Care to meet me tonight at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade? I'm eighteen (i.e. legal!), pretty, and have long curly blonde hair. I do have a boyfriend, but he doesn't always satisfy my...er...requirements. But you weren't looking for something serious anyway, were you? Let's have some fun, professor!

Love from,

Penelope Clearwater

Snape Fan

Dear Miss Clearwater,

No.

Professor Snape

Hermione is still trying to guess who our mysterious dinner guest is. She even named all her professors, except you.

We get the feeling it will be a very interesting evening.

Yours,

Mr & Mrs Granger

Mouse

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Granger,

Indeed. You'd think she'd have guessed by the process of elimination by now. See you tonight.

And remember, no seafood!

Yours,

Professor Snape

Minerva tells me I'm now part the entertainment committee (thank the heavens!). She also says that you've gone back to the decorations committee.

Curious thing, that, Severus. I asked Albus, Filius and Sybil about you being back on the decorations committee, and they said you had told them you were definitely staying on the entertainment committee.

It seems to me, Severus, that you've somehow miraculously ended up on NO committees for the organisation of the Spring Fling.

Anything to say for yourself?

Lupin

Snape Fan

Remus my friend,

This is what is known as supervising. I have decided that my abilities lay best in telling others what to do.

Therefore, I appointed myself head of those committees and said I would be in to see the final products. *smirks*

How very Slytherin of me, wouldn't you say?

Severus

I hear you are off to dinner with the Granger's this weekend! How very nice of you to do that.

Will you and Miss Granger be travelling together? I can arrange that you know.

Feel free to stay away the entire weekend; I know you were invited to stay. I will cover your hall duties myself.

Albus

Mouse

Dear Albus,

How do you do that? I didn't say a word to you or anyone else about going to the Grangers, but suddenly I might as well have downed a mickey of Veratiserum and come to you for Confession. Does a man not get any privacy here at Hogwarts?

No matter. Yes, I am going to the Grangers, although I had only planned to stay for dinner tonight. However, since you've offered to cover my Hall duties, I think I will stay until Sunday after all. I shall send a note off to the Grangers immediately. They mentioned a water park, I believe; I haven't been to a water slide in ages. I shall have to see if I can find my old muggle swimsuit, although I found it rather tight and revealing last time I tried it on.

No...no, I don't think I will be travelling with Miss Granger tonight. Her parents know how much she idolises her professors [Mutters to himself: "the little kiss-arse"], and wanted to surprise her with my visit. I myself am keenly looking forward to seeing her expression when I arrive.

Ta for taking my hall duties,

Severus

Remus just had a chat with me regarding the preparations for the Spring Fling. What do you mean, you're "supervising" us? No one supervises me! I'm the deputy Headmistress!

But... maybe it is a good thing for you to be supervising Albus, Filius and Sybil with the decorations. I fear they've gone right over the edge, those three. Sybil let slip today that Albus is planning something involving giant enchanted bunnies made of whipped cream, and do you know, it sounded like he's planning to have these horrors perform some sort of choreographed dance routine for the students? Sybil also said she was helping Filius enchant daffodils to make them sing "Yellow Bird" in three part harmony.

But this isn't what alarms me the most. Just a moment ago, I overheard Albus whispering in the hallway with Filius - he said something along the lines of "Operation Mr. Party-Pooper has succeeded! Now we've got the whole weekend free to get those lemon meringue daisies airborne!"

I have no idea what that means Severus, but since you've chosen to make yourself supervisor, I suppose it's your problem now. I wash my hands of the matter; if they do something insane, it will be all your fault. So keep your eyes peeled while you perform your Hall duties this weekend. It sounds like they've got something big and truly nasty planned.

Yours truly,

Minerva

Snape Fan

Ahhh Minerva,

So sorry about my hall duties this weekend, but Albus is taking them over for me, as I have something to do outside Hogwarts.

Duty calls I'm afraid. *chuckles at the thought of Minerva trying to keep Albus and Filius in check*

Never fear though, I have put a spell, one of which even Dumbledore can't break (can you say dark magic?) to make sure he doesn't go overboard....much *smirk*

Severus

Scapegrace

Hmmm..., there's no question here...

Dear Professor,

Can you tell me what is the proper way to tell a certain centaur professor here at Hogwarts that I am just not interested in his advances?

While I do find the unicorns just as adorable as can be, I am really turned off by the whole centaur thing.

Seabiscuit the Thestral

Snape Fan

Seabiscuit,

Did it ever occur to you that you are appealing to a centaur because you have been covered in paint from a certain Mr. Creevy?

Otherwise, I would think any centaur worth his salt would show more intelligence, but then, you never know.

Snape

We are willing to help on the decorations committee for the spring dance. Professor Dumbledore said to come to you for direction.

We are willing and able!

H. Granger and G. Weasley

Scapegrace

*rolls eyes up towards ceiling* not those two giggling school girls again...

Misses Weasley and Granger,

You may come to my dungeons after class on Monday. I will supply you with silver, green, and black construction paper. You will construct for me the longest paper chains you can out of all the supplies.

The paper must be cut into strips and glued into a chain. This should take you about 3 evenings to finish up with the paper supply.

Once you are through, give Professor McGonnagal the chains and she will see to it that Prof. Flitwick or Lupin can string them from the rafters.

I will not be in attendance at your "decorating party", as I am only a delegator, NOT a participant!

Prof. Snape

Party Pooper

I have been bitten by a poisonous spider and my arm is now swollen to the size of Hagrid's thigh, can you please whip up a potion to counteract this poison before it is too late??!

Professor Sinistra

Snape Fan

Professor Sinistra,

Did you have a run in with one of Hagrid's "friends?" Why did you wait this long to get help?

Did you go to Poppy? She should have the required potion, as I just refilled her stores.

Professor Snape

All is in readiness for your upcoming visit this weekend. We would like the honor of taking you out to dinner one night at a muggle restaurant.

We are sure Hermione will be as excited as we are about getting to know one of her professors.

Mr & Mrs Granger

Scapegrace

Mr and Mrs Granger,

Yes, I too am looking forward to seeing you in person, (and finally getting my counciltation concerning my teeth). Her constant talking-out-of-turn in class is most disruptive.

But I will not bother you with the details here.

As for a Muggle restaurant, have you heard of the Hard Rock cafe, by any chance?

I have always wanted to pop in there to see what it is all about.

Looking forward to our visit.

Prof. Snape

P.S., I do love key lime pie, *hint, hint*

Why are all these paper chain streamers, (made for the Spring Fling), in your House colors?!

This is hardly fair!

I would like to see some gold and crimson as well!

I'm not hanging one of these until more are made, do you here me?!

Prof. McGonnagal

Snape Fan

Minerva,

I believe I am in charge of the decorations, you are just one of the helpers, like Miss Granger and Miss Weasley.

I have been to the Great Hall to check on things and I find the green and silver especially beautiful. I think we need more of it.

Red and gold would imply Christmas, and this is supposed to be a Spring Fling, isn't it? Green for the grass and silver for the moonlight...ahhhhh, but I must leave off the poetry. *smirks*

It's not my fault those two colors go so well with spring now is it?

Severus

Have you heard the latest? Sybil managed to talk Albus into putting her in charge of the food.

Can you just imagine the sorts of things she will tell the elves to make?

I'm sure I don't have to remind you of those "lovely" teas and cakes she offered when we were students in her class. Didn't you end up in the infirmary once after tasting her homemade shortbread? I still use one of those rock cakes as a door stop!

And my god man, she'll have the whole school trying to read the tea leaves looking for the next way Harry is going to die.

Do you think you can talk Albus out of this insanity? Honestly, sometimes I wonder about him.

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

That's not the half of it concerning Trelawney's questionable cooking cuisine!

Do you recall the hash brownies she made for the Faculty Family Night? Why, it took Dumbledore, Flitwick, and myself all together to get Hooch down from the Hogwart's Astronomy Tower where she was swinging from an ornamental gargoyle, dangling her arms and legs to and fro, naked as a night-owl!

This on top of the fact that Trelawney insists that the party needs some "aromatic ambiance" to put people "in the mood."

Why, she's ordered insense from that Asian shop down Knockturn Alley. You know the one. I believe the M.O.M. have raided that place a dozen times for selling "aphrodisiatic aromatherapy" insense and accoutements. She's going to get all these Hogwarts students frenzied up for God-Knows-What!

I'm not going to chaperone anything if she continues her plans. Do you know where I can pick up a good gas mask that I'm sure I'll need to prevent myself from falling for her wiley ways?

Prof. Snape

For some reason the manufactures of the Chocolate Frogs have put you on one of their Cards. It's really going for a high price on e-witch. By what do you attribute this too? And what snake, exactly, are you being shown battling?

(Not a ver good picture. I can barely see you in the background getting ready to take on the snake).

Card Collector

Snape Fan

Dear Card Collector,

I attribute that to the simple fact that I am me, Severus Snape, Potions Master, Dueling Master, P.E.E.P President, great wizard, etc.

Need I say more. I think not.

By the way, if you don't know what type of snake that is, then I suggest you visit your nearest library and do some research.

Severus Snape

Growing more popular everyday

Don't think for one minute I don't know what you are up to bribing the Chocolate Frog people to make a card of you!

You have some nerve thinking anyone would want your card.

Black

Mouse

Black,

I swear, you come back more times than bratwurst.

You're dead. Dead, Sirius. D-e-a-d, DEAD! How many times do I have to tell you this? Dead! Deceased! Passed on! Ceased to be! Expired and gone to meet your maker! You are a late animagus! A stiff! Bereft of life! You rest in peace! If you hadn't fallen through that veil at the Department of Mysteries, you'd be pushing up daisies! You've rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! YOU ARE AN EX-DOGGIE-MAN!

Now go back to the underworld and stop bothering me! DEAD! DEAD!! Begone! Begone, thou foul and midnight vermin, lest the searing winds of eternity scorch thy worthless carcass and all the demons of hell rend thy living spirit! DEAD!!! DEAD!!! DEEEEEEEAAAAADDD!!!!!!

Yours,

Severus

I just wanted to let you know how much we enjoyed your visit over the weekend; it's so nice to have people over to stay! I do believe Hermione was quite overawed; did you notice how quiet she was the whole time? I've never seen her like that! And she always had that glazed look in her eye and that fixed smile; I wonder if she might have a teeny little crush on you, hmm?

And no, I don't think your muggle clothing was too "out there"; fashions from the 70's are quite back in style these days. You were being "retro", dear. I thought you looked quite smashing in that Slytherin-green suit with the bell bottoms and wide collar. Your collection of gold medallions was quite impressive too, and you weren't kidding when you said that no one can fluff up their chest hair like a wizard can!

We had a lovely time at the water park too; I don't know why Hermione spent the whole time sitting on the bottom of the shallow end breathing through a snorkel. You'd think she didn't want to be seen with us or something; it must a teenager thing. And don't worry, my husband's speedo was much tighter than yours; I completely agree with you that if there's still wear left in it, it's a shame to throw out a perfectly good swimsuit just because it's getting old.

Anyway, beyond letting you know what a good time we had (you must come back sometime!), I just wanted to let you know that you left a few "intimate" items of clothing behind. They probably go lost when I did the wash - my goodness that fondue party got messy, didn't it? I've given them to Hermione, so make sure to ask her for them sometime. Toodle-loo!

Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Granger

Snape Fan

Mrs Granger,

I thank you for the lovely weekend. It was indeed an amazing site to see your daughter at a loss for words.

I can assure you it doesn't happen often here at Hogwarts.

I have since found out that the clothes I wore are totally out of style and have made changes to my muggle wardrobe. Slacks, linen shirts, etc.

I would like to invite you and your family to visit me at Snape Manor sometime, I'm sure you would love it. Your daughter will enjoy the library I know....if I allow her access to it. *smirks*

Professor Snape

Is it true the chicken came before the egg?

Dean Thomas

Scapegrace

Mr Thomas,

Why are you bothering me with your silly riddles instead of doing the assignment I gave in class on shrinking potions?!

Well, since you seem to have so much free time to wonder about such things, I'm giving you an extra assignment on the origins of the basillisk and what came first; the toad or the egg?

I'll expect a 3 foot long parchment on the subject by Saturday.

Oh, and here's one for you...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Give up?

Because it was being chased by a Death Eater.

Ha! I slay me!

(Well, it was a big hit at the last D.E. fun-night).

Professor "No Funnybones" Snape

What potions can a crumple-horned snorcack's horn be used in? My dad's bringing one home tomorrow and I just don't know what to do with it.

Luna L.

Snape Fan

Miss Lovegood,

There is no potion.

All I can say is good luck, you'll need it.

Professor Snape

How would you feel about doing a combination Potions/DADA class with Remus? I think it would be good for the students.

Albus

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

If it would please you, then by all means, set up a Potions/DADA class.

We could begin by having a werewolf poisoned to prevent us harm. What do you think about that suggestion?

Professor Snape

(Who does NOT enjoy sharing teaching responsibilities)

( especially with wolves)

Why does your Lego likeness have skin that glows in the dark?

Are you some kind of monster?

Lego Fan

Snape Fan

Dear Lego fan,

That is top secret information.

Please remember I am a Potions Master *smirk* and some things are best left to those who are experts and not imbeciles.

No, I am not a monster. Are you?

Professor Snape

Do you really hate Harry?

H. Granger

Mouse

Dear Miss Granger,

Hate is such a strong word. I detest Potter, I loathe Potter, I would like to see Potter bloodied and grovelling at my feet for forgiveness - which I would of course decline to give - but I wouldn't go so far as to say that I hate him. Whatever would make you think such a horrible thing?

Peace and Love,

Professor Snape

There's a large green puddle oozing out from under your laboratory door. Mrs. Norris was the original investigator on the scene, and is now in the hospital wing having the thing that her paw turned into amputated so that she can have a proper paw regrown. Furthermore, the substance has started emiting large and painful purple sparks every time I try to sweep it toward the drain. My broom has suffered considerable damage, as has my hair.

I have filed a complaint with the Worker's Protection Board, and a team from the Dangerous Substances Control Board is currently in the dungeons investigating. They asked me to find you and give you the attached form to fill out, but I am leaving it here in the Staff Room instead, as my whiskers keep re-igniting and I need to pay a visit to the hospital wing myself.

Please fill out the attached form, and take it with you when you go talk to the team from the DSCB. They would like your assistance as soon as possible in identifying the content of the spill.

Yours,

Argus Filch

(attached: )

Hazardous Spill Report (to be filled out by investigatee):

2) Are you aware of any dangerous substances stored in your laboratory?

If yes to the above:

(i) On what date did you obtain a passing grade in the Storage of Unsafe Substances course offered by the Ministry of Magic? [required by law]

(ii) To the best of your knowledge, are the storage facilities in your laboratory in compliance with Ministry of Magic's Storage of Unsafe Substances protocols?

3) Please describe in detail how each of the dangerous substances in your laboratory is stored [attach extra parchment if needed].

[I, the investigatee, am aware that the above statements are admissable as evidence in a court of law, and will, in the event of a request by my employer, be made available to any disciplinary body in my workplace.]

Investigatee's signature:

Date signed:

Witness's signature:

Date signed:

Snape Fan

*Answers questions:*

1) On what date was your laboratory last inspected by the Health and Safety Committee? September 1

2) Are you aware of any dangerous substances stored in your laboratory? Yes

If yes to the above:

(i) On what date did you obtain a passing grade in the Storage of Unsafe Substances course offered by the Ministry of Magic? [required by law] As a Potions Master is required to have that course, I suggest you look back at my records.

(ii) To the best of your knowledge, are the storage facilities in your laboratory in compliance with Ministry of Magic's Storage of Unsafe Substances protocols? Yes

3) Please describe in detail how each of the dangerous substances in your laboratory is stored [attach extra parchment if needed]. Safely

Is there a good reason you are so hard on the Hufflepuffs in your class?

You know they try very had to do their best and you have scared them all, especially the first years.

I think a meeting with the Headmaster might be in order.

Professor Sprout

Scapegrace

Professor Sprout,

I treat the Wimpyfluffs, er, that is to say, Hufflepuffs, no differently then I treat the rest of my students.

I can't help it if they are just a bit more,...sensitive, than then others.

It has ever been my goal to toughen up the children who must one day leave these protective halls of Hogwarts and go out to face the real world. A cold, harsh, indifferent place; where the soft, sensitive, and unprepared will soon be chewed up and spit out by life's cruel twists of fate.

They should all be thanking me for these lessons in life that I dispense every day free of charge.

Professor Snape,

Harsh realist

I went into my brothers dark room and saw some photos drying on the line that had you in them along with a cat-like woman who was wearing a really tight, leather outfit and had a whip.

You had on some kind of Smoking jacket along with pink bunny slippers.

There were more photos which were still in a pan being developed.

Just thought you ought to know.

Oh, by the way, do you think you could change the Troll grade you gave me in Potions for that really tricky shrinking potions test you popped on us the other day?

Dennis Creevey

Mouse

Dear Dennis,

FIVE BILLION POINTS FROM GRIFFINDOR!!!!

What brother? I think you'll find you don't have a brother anymore, Dennis. What a dreadful accident; such a tragedy - do let me be the first to offer my deepest condolences to you and your family. Photography potions are so terribly explosive. Thank goodness there weren't any other students in the dark room when it and all of its contents were COMPLETELY destroyed like that.

I'm sure your brother's tragic and unnecessary demise will encourage you to study harder in Potions in the future...

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

What WAS that stuff the DSCB had to clean up for you?? I can't get Filch's hair to stop lighting itself on fire, and the effect is working its way down his chest! I do NOT want to still be dealing with this problem (and neither does Filch!) once it gets below his waist. Now tell me what that stuff was, and give me some suggestions for how to stop it!

And Mrs. Norris is recovering nicely, although she keeps burping pink flames. I TRUST this effect is going to wear off eventually?

Yours,

Poppy

Snape Fan

Poppy,

I have no idea what that potion was, nor do I really give a damn.

Also, I don't care if Mrs Norris is doing better. I can't stand that cat as you well know.

As for Filch, I'm sure this is the most excitement he's had in a long time. For your sake, I hope this potion will solve the problem for him.

Severus

Safety First

It's that time of year again...time to measure all the cauldron widths to make sure they are in compliance with Ministry standards.

This is due in two weeks Severus, so please make sure I have it back or Hogwarts will be forced to pay a fine.

I'm sure you know it's not that difficult to measure cauldron widths so I look forward to receiving your reply tout de suite!

P. Weasley

Former Head Boy

Scapegrace

Percy, you persistantly, prattling, pile of putrid pestilence,

I will certainly not be measuring any cauldron widths!!

Just take the information you had last season and apply it to this one. My cauldron's haven't changed.

*thinks, hmm, perhaps Longbottom's may have a few tiny cracks and crazing along the bottom due to his pitiful accidental concoction of a never-seen-before creation of magenta colored acid ooze when he was supposed to be making an herbal tea to cure most boils.....*

Well, you may come and measure them yourself, but I certainly will be no help to you!

Professor Snape,

Nobody's Minion!

We have a daughter who will be starting Hogwarts this fall, can we bring her down to your dungeons to meet you before the school year begins? She's a bit nervous about starting there, (being away from home for the first time), and we wanted to allay her fears by meeting the teachers beforehand.

What time is best for you?

Mr and Mrs Smith

Snape Fan

Dear Smiths,

I rarely meet any students before school, so I must decline your request.

I'm sure your daughter will do fine here at school as long as she behaves herself.

Or else, she will be meeting me in my classroom for detention.

Professor Snape

I, as a member of the Ministry, certainly don't have time to come measure cauldron widths!

My job is much more important. I must gather all information from every wizarding school then compile the report and turn it into Minister Fudge!

Surely you have time after you finish teaching for the day to do this? Teachers don't have that much to do after all, good lord man, you have almost the whole afternoon free to do whatever you like...

P. Weasley

Mouse

Dear Mr. Weasley,

Very well. Since a spotty cauldron-snogger like yourself is too terribly important to be measuring cauldrons personally, you will be happy to know that I have found a gap in my packed social life and professional duties, and have measured the thickness of every one of the school's 127 cauldrons. I am forwarding the results to you.

And to make sure that the results don't get mixed up, I've mailed every measurement separately, in its own envelope.

Lovely red envelopes. "Howlers", to be precise. That's right: 127 of them.

But don't worry about the fact that all your precious cauldron widths are arriving in separate envelopes, Mr. Weasley, because I've arranged to have them all delivered to you at the same time. Good luck opening them all before they explode, and incidentally, is that cauldron report of yours flammable? Because if it is, I think you'd better get it off your desk in a hurry.

Hark - was that the whisper of approaching owl-wings you just heard, Mr. Weasley?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

You'll be delighted to hear, Colin Creevey was recently found alive and well in the room of requirement! When he was discovered, he was covered in chemical burns (I've taken care of those), but was in good condition otherwise. Apparently his brother has been smuggling food to him ever since he went into hiding, which was shortly after the photo lab exploded.

I am perplexed as to why these two boys put their parents through such an ordeal - the entire Creevey family has been thinking Colin was dead all this time!

The explanation appears to be paranoid delusions on Colin's part. You see, Colin is claiming that the photo lab accident was in fact an attempt on his life by you. Needless to say, I've given him a double dose of Mexley's Mental Mildness potion, which should help him differentiate between fantasy and reality.

Something more seems to be required however. Would you drop by the hospital wing tomorrow afternoon and have a little chat with Colin? He really needs to be reassured that you would never harm him, and I think only a heart-to-heart talk with you will convince him of it. In fact, I'll ask his brother Dennis to drop by too, since he was apparently completely taken in by Colin's delusional ramblings, and could also stand to be comforted.

Yours,

Poppy

Snape Fan

Poppy,

I will be very happy to stop by and have a little chat with Mr. Creevey. *smirk*

As you know, I would never harm a hair on any child here at Hogwarts. *snorts*

I don't know why he would ever think I would have anything to do with his unfortunate accident.

Severus

Gildroy Lockhart has been in touch with me about doing some physical education classes here at Hogwarts.

I have been looking into the muggle school system and found that every school offers this to children.

What say you?

Albus

Mouse

Dear Albus,

Physical Education is all about teaching children to exercise. Muggle children have good reasons to exercise, wizard children do not.

Wizards live to about 200 years of age, give or take a few decades. You're pushing 160 yourself, correct? And how much exercise do you normally get in a day? I'm betting that other than strolling to the lavatory about four times an hour, not very much.

Muggles live to a hundred if they're lucky. The only reason they exercise is to hold off biting that final biscuit for a while longer. They don't have Arturan's Artery Descaler, Landolin's Liver Invigorator or Belldobor's Brain Massage in a Bottle (tm), so what can they do? The answer: they can take up jogging.

But what in Merlin's name do wizards need to exercise for? You can get all the benefits of the whole sweaty, gasping endeavor from a potion, so why bother with it? We do not need to teach Physical Education at Hogwart's; it is an irrelevant subject for wizard children.

Yours,

Severus

One of your Slytherin students just turned in a severed human ear to the Lost and Found. It was obviously wasn't hers. She claimed she found it in the corridor outside the common room, but didn't leave her name.

The Secretaries are, to put it mildly, quite disraught to have this thing lying in a box beside the stapler. Could you please drop by the office and pick it up? And, needless to say, could you please also sort out which students were involved in the altercation and to whom the ear belongs, so that it can be reattached.

As the Workplace Safety Rep, I'll need a report on the details of the incident. Send it to me with your reply.

Thanks,

Filius

Snape Fan

Filius,

I am happy to report that all Slytherin ears are present and accounted for.

May I suggest you check with your own House, as well as the others?

I will be by to pick up the ear only if it is not claimed. It might prove useful in a potion.

Severus

Florida is experiencing an unusual amount of hurricanes this season.

Is there a potion that will get rid of them, or better yet, redirect their landfall to, say, one of our Northern states?

Many more people come to Florida than any of those states!

Thanks,

Miami Hurricane Center

Scapegrace

Dear Miami Hurricane Center,

I'm sorry there are no potions to change weather patterns.

Rather difficult to make a hurricane drink a concoction or rub some disappearing salve on a twister.

You might want to check in with your own New World version of the M.o.M. like we have here. (I'm sure it's titled "X-Files Cabinet" or some such nonsense to throw off those American Muggles). See if they might have some latest spell to throw at it to divert it back to Cuba. Professor Snape

I er uh....I was wonderin' if you, uh, still had that um, er, ear part. I , eh, was playin' fetch with Fluffy out by the lake last night and uh, she kinda jumped up and nipped it off er me when my head was turned to one of her other heads to get the stick out 'o it's mouth.

If'n you could bring it by my hut kinda discrete-like so's Dumbledore doesn't find out, I would be very greatful.

And if you could also stop by Madam Pomfrey's and bring along some kind of body part attachment ointment I would be much obliged. I can't leave my hut with my ear bein' off like it is. It might alarm the children.

Thank you so very much, Professor!

I'll be sure an' do you back a favour in kind.

Hagrid

Snape Fan

Hagrid,

I will reattach your ear for you. No need for me to even see Poppy for anything, I know the exact spell you need.

As you know, I've had personal experience with Fluffy myself and her biting nature. At least she didn't take my leg off.

I will come down tonight after I do my rounds.

Professor Snape

Is there really any need to give Draco a lower grade than that mudblood student?

As I'm sure you're aware, I have been teaching potions to Draco myself since he was a young boy so I'm sure his knowledge surpasses that of someone as low-born as Miss Granger.

What do you intend to do about this?

Lucius

Scapegrace

Lucius, my old friend,

How is prison life treating you?

Are you well?

Are all your needs,...fulfilled?

Please don't worry any more about our young Draco.

He will pass Potions with good marks, no doubt!

It is not for us to question how on earth a Mudblood was blessed with the mind of a steel trap!. Nothing gets by that little Miss-Know-It-All!

Why, I even tried to rig a test so that it was impossible to give a true answer, however, she caught me at my own game and I was forced to feign a confundus spell thrown at me by McGonnagal in order to save face with her and the rest of the class.

Relax, Draco has all but passed the grade.

Professor Snape

Salutations to you and great news coming your way!

It has been decided, what with all the hurricane activity and low tourist turn-outs, that our class field-trip this year will be the bargain-priced once-in-a-lifetime trip to the happiest of places, Disneyworld!!!

Yes, Severus, a place that is sure to put a smile on even your rather stern and twisted sneer.

I have already booked the hotel reservations.

I hope you don't mind shacking up with Lockhart for the 4 day, 3 night dream vacation. (You'll have to try and avoid stepping on any or his curlers that may drop to the bathroom floor as they are sure to be crowding the sink area. What a nightmare to stomp on one of those in the dark of night!)

Minerva has agreed to come as well as Filius and Poppy.

I cannot wait to tell the children!

Albus Dumbledore

p.s.,

I'll save you a ride in my own spinning teacup! (Be sure not to eat or drink anything beforehand!)

Snape Fan

Albus,

Although I have no choice in the matter of this field trip, I will have a say in my roommate.

I will not room with that sorry excuse for a wizard Lockhart! I have taken the liberty of asking Remus to also be a chaperone on this trip and he and I will room together.

Let Lockhart room with Hagrid!

It will be a cold day in hell before you get me on those spinning teacups. That is just so undignified Albus and beneath even you. Let the children enjoy that ride and throw up all over each other.

I suppose I will have to wear muggle clothes? Please inform Lockhart that walking around the muggle world like Liberace will just not do.

Severus

Enclosed are two tickets to the Emmy awards show. I have been nominated for a part I played for a tv special and thought you would be interested in attending...perhaps your friend Remus would like to come also?

Unfortunately, you will not be able to sit with me, as I need to be near the front, however these seats are not far from where I will be and we can meet afterwards for supper.

Do you know that I still get letters from that odd woman Professor McGonagall? Apparentely she knows all about the Emmy's and has been quite determined in her challenge to come to the show.

I had my agent write her and explain that very few muggles actually got inside the theater to see the show, but she is insisting that we are just trying to keep her away.

I quite fear for my safety if I do win!

Anyway, hope to see you there.

Alan

P.S. Please give these two autographed photographs of myself to Miss Granger and Miss Weasley. They rival Professor McGonagall in the zeal to meet me it seems. I receive at least one letter a day from each of those three!

Scapegrace

My Dear friend Alan,

I most certainly will be there to watch the Emmy award program in person! What a kind gesture it was to think of me. I am touched.

As for my date, I was thinking more along the lines of asking a certain barmaid at the Three Broomsticks to attend with me. (She would look so much better draped along my arm than one certain hairless werewolf). (Besides, these tickets are like gold and I want to make mine "pay for itself" if you know what I mean......Ahem,*clears throat*).

What does one wear to an awards program? Is the cape out? Should I wear something more along the lines of my dashing duelling outfit?

Your Friend,

Severus

Albus tells me we are to be going on a field trip excursion to Florida's Disneyworld of all places.

I'm all exited and I really cannot wait.

In fact, I've already begun packing for my trip. I have one suitcase full of every piece of spandex outfits this one muggle shop had to offer! (My, but they did look at me quite strangely!) I really cannot control myself when it comes to clothes shopping!.

Do you know what the weather will be like? Should I just pack something for every possible temperature?

Oh! I simply cannot wait to buy a "mickey's ears" hat with my name put on it! (I hope "Gilderoy" will fit!) I'll be sure and get one for you too!! Then, when we do see Mickey out and about, we will be ready to be photographed with him in our ears!

Oh, that reminds me, I have to dash out and buy that Creevey boy lots and lots of film!

Best Wishes,

Gilderoy

Snape Fan

Lockhart,

Why are you writing me? Do you think I care what your plans are for this godforsaken field trip?

And please do NOT subject any of us to the sight of you in spandex! No one deserves punishment of that kind.

Do not bother getting me any mickey ears. I would not be caught dead wearing them. However, I can see to it that some permanent harm could come to you. *smirks*

As for the weather you idiot, Florida is hot but that doesn't mean you should permanently scar either the tourists or the residents of that state to the no doubt hideous sight of your hairy legs.

Professor Snape

Albus has told me about the Florida trip. I hope Disneyworld is ready for the likes of Lockhart.

I have been doing some research into this place and I'm thinking that if we put our minds to it, we could rid ourselves of him forever. Would DisneyWorld notice another character (because, lets face it, Lockhart is a character) wandering around the park?

You might have noticed the envelope attached to this letter. Be very careful when you open it. To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly. It almost made me rethink my decision to be a chaperone. Let me warn you, inside this envelope is a picture of Albus wearing what he thinks is normal muggle clothing. But not any muggle clothing. No Severus, he is determined to look like a typical muggle tourist. He is wearing what I think muggles call bermuda shorts, a very loud touristy shirt that clashes horribly with his beard (and the shirt says, "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing to the left). But that is not the worst of it. Prepare yourself for the sight of Albus in black ankle socks and sandals! Yes Severus, I can see the disgust on your face now, but it's true. And I think we can safely assume that Sir Nicholas's legs aren't as white as Albus's!

But the very worst of all this Severus is that Albus expects us to wear this exact same clothing! Now I ask you...is he completely sane? I think you and I need to do some serious planning here. How to keep away from Albus yet still chaperone.

And don't even get me started on what Minerva probably thinks is appropriate muggle clothing. I shudder to think!

Shall we meet outside the Forbidden Forest tonight to discuss this further?

Remus

Scapegrace

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!" *Slaps his hands to his eyes and shreiks* "Nooooooo! My pupils! Too bright! Must seek darkness!!!" *Runs to the closet and waits until his eyes have readjusted back to normal*

Dear Lupin,

I'm sorry, I cannot meet you tonight in the Forbidden Forest.

I'm late already. I am attending the Emmys tonight by invitation from Alan Rickman himself. I've got to pick up my date soon and then get all the way over there to California so, if you don't mind, I really must go.

Professor Snape

Still recovering from Albus' pastey-white thighs

Please hurry up!

I don't want to be late for the Emmys!

We've got so far to go and if you don't get your skinny butt over here fast, you're not going to be thanked....repeatedly....after the night is through and we get home.

Love, Rosemerta

Snape Fan

Rosemerta,

I don't appreciate threats, therefore I have decided not to take a date with me tonight. I'll take my chances on one of those lovely California ladies.

Besides, I have an early meeting about the annual Hogwarts field trip.

I'll pass on your regards to Alan.

Severus

I expect you and Remus to behave yourselves in Florida! Remember you are setting an example for the students.

Please conduct yourselves accordingly.

I am aware that when the two of you get together you resort back to your childhood. That will be unacceptable.

I will be keeping my eye on you both!

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Scapegrace

Minerva you old windbag,

Don't worry about me. I'm not the one who leapt upon Mr. Rickman during his visit to Hogwarts, remember? It's you that we must worry about going insane again at the sight of anything you might find,...exciting. (Such as this pirate Disney employee perhaps.)

*(Had to bring him over here too, Ces, just in case mouse hasn't seen him yet ).*

Just behave yourself, you wicked, wicked witch!

Professor Snape

(bringing his camera for evidence)

Our daughter says she is a bit frightened of the really fast rides, do you think you could hold her hand during them just to calm her during the Disney trip?

Thank you so much,

Drs. Granger and Granger

Snape Fan

Dear Grangers,

I have never known your daughter to be afraid of anything, never mind a few thrill rides.

However, I will be keeping my eye on her as I was given the task of chaperoning her and some of her Gryffindor friends.

Never fear my friends, (and remember, he had dinner with the Grangers!) your daughter will come to no harm while in my care. She is much better off in my care than under the eye of her Head of House. I will even keep her safe from certain pirates *smirks* that stroll around the park.

I will bring you a souvenir from DisneyWorld!

Professor Snape

I have information that Voldemort is planning his final battle at DisneyWorld.

He seems to be under the impression that some of the "evil" characters threre are real and he might try and recruit them.

Any suggestions?

Albus

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

How is the darkest wizard of our time going to use some costumed mascots of cartoon characters to somehow triumph and rule the world?

Somehow, I cannot take Captain Hook seriously, (after that last link), when he asks me to hand over my..."wand".*smirks*

If the Dark Lord wishes to recruit these symbols of evil for his own army, I say, "Bring it on!" (Save that pirate for me!)

Professor Snape

Yo Ho Ho

I say, do you think you might be able to get a spare ticket for me to join you all at Disneyworld?

I have some goblins on my tail and I could really do with a quick exit from this country in order to dodge them.

I'd make it worth your while, of course.

How about a date with my sister? Some swampland in Florida? Um, why don't you tell me what you'd like. I swear, I'll get it for you. Anything!

Oh, please, do hurry with your response!!!

Ludo Bagman

Mouse

{Mouse's comment on the Disney employee: Wheep!

[Snape dictates letter to an enchanted quill while inside his private chambers]

Dear Drs. Granger,

Hermione is a Gryffindor; they're supposed to be brave. [Snape opens the suitcase on his bed and starts packing his muggle clothing into it] Did she ask you to suggest this? Are you sure she hasn't developed an unhealthy interest in some of her (male) professors? I mean, she always has had an unhealthy interest in her professors, but what with the onset of puberty and all, I fear things might be moving in a very disturbing, twisted, "restraining order" sort of direction... [Snape tosses a speedo and a pair of black bermuda shorts patterned with very small green serpents and red bats into the suitcase, followed by an orange "Tony the Tiger" electric toothbrush]

I am sorry, but find the whole suggestion very off-putting; may I suggest she holds hands with that Weasley boy who is always heavy-breathing at her? [Snape rolls up his muscle T's and puts them in a pocket of the suitcase] Thank goodness the school uniform consists of robes, or he'd probably look like a Disney employee every time he's in the same room with her. But at least they're the same age. [Snape tosses "Alabaster" brand SPF-370 sunscreen into the suitcase, followed by a baseball cap with the Guinness logo on the front]

Besides, I'm probably going to be needed to hold Lupin's hand on the fast rides, to avoid any "embarrassments". At least Dumbledore has the good sense to bring a jumbo-pack of Depends(tm) undergarments whenever he goes to an amusement park, why can't Lupin? [Snape furtively tucks his teddy under his nightshirt, and closes the suitcase] But I'm digressing from your question; please suggest to your daughter that she either stays in the bumper cars, or asks the headmaster to share his packet of "insurance" panties with her.

Yours,

Professor Snape

Since we're off to Disneyworld, and have to act like muggles anyway, I've booked a flight to Florida for the children and ourselves. Have you ever ridden on an aeroplane before? I haven't! I'm terribly excited; we get to be on it for nine hours apparently! Isn't that wonderful? (Lemon drop?)

I hope your passport is up-to-date; the plane leaves tonight. I got a wonderful deal on last-minute flights to Florida! I can't wait to see what a hurricane looks like from the inside of an aeroplane! Eat a big dinner tonight, and I'll tell the children to do likewise. I'm not sure if there's anywhere to buy food on aeroplanes.

Sincerely,

Albus

Snape Fan

Dear Ludo,

How shall I put this so you understand it?

NO

Professor Snape

I see Albus put us in charge of the Gryffindors again. I do hope Minerva and Filch have fun chaperoning your Slytherins! *chuckles*

I understand Albus has us set up in the Grand Floridian Hotel. I have taken the initiative and reserved the entire top floor for us and our charges. We, of course, will be in the Penthouse Suite.

I saw Minerva and Pamona Sprout snickering over some picture, then looking at me very seductively! It was very scary I tell you.

I think Albus needs to keep an eye on those two!

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

Excellent idea on the accomodations!

We'll have so much room we won't be able to hear the noise any of those Griffindor monsters make.

And yes, Pamona and Minerva are definately up to no good already. Pamona actually came up to me in the hall and asked if I would be packing some coconut oil and that she would volunteer to rub it on my back if need be. I mean, really! *shudders*

Snape

Already oily enough!

If you force me to ride in the muggle contraption known as an air-o-plane, I promise you, the minute I feel any turbulation, I'm apparating out of there and over to the states where I will be waiting for the rest of you to arrive, (if you ever do), in the first pub I see. (They do have pubs there I assume? I believe I've seen them before in old muggle movies like High Noon. They have swinging doors and pianos that play of themselves.)

At any rate, I believe I will have on a rented set of ear devices to listen to whatever cinema presentations they have to show in the air-o-plane. This way I will avoid hearing the constant shrieking of Hogwarts brats for 9 hours.

Professor Snape

Leavin' on a jet plane

Can you please make sure our Colin wears his water-wings in the ocean? He, like his brother Dennis, can't swim.

We are worried because he told his brother he wouldn't be wearing them because they have smurfs on them.

Please see that he does!

Mrs Creevey

Snape Fan

Mrs Creevey,

No, I will not be keeping an eye on either one of your sons. Fortunately (for me at least) they will be under the direct care of Filch our caretaker.

I'm not sure what water wings are, nor do I think I want to know what they are, however, I can assure you your son knows how to swim - he has been thrown into the lake enough by now to get himself to shore.

Professor Snape

not a lifeguard

Plans have changed! I know this will disappoint you, but I need you and Remus to leave early and see what you can find out about Voldemort and his plans.

Your cover story will be that you are there to ensure our reservations are in order and to assign rooms.

You and Remus will be leaving tonight, so you will have a few days to scout out all these theme parks and see the logistics of how Hogwarts should visit them.

Don't worry about money. Come to my office and I will give you what the muggles call a debit card. Miss Granger will be here to show you how to use it. Albus

Scapegrace

*mutters, "This trip is beginning to be more trouble than it's worth"*

Headmaster,

I will be there directly.

Professor Snape *Throws in his last bit of packing and swoops out of his chambers.*

*Meets Pansy and Draco in the hall kissing

"Mister Malfoy! Lucky for you that I came across you and Miss Parkinson instead of Professor McGonnagal!!! Get out of my sight before I blast the both of you!!!"

Stops in Teacher's Lounge for a quick munch of some fairy cake that Prof. Flitwick let for all to enjoy.

Finds a quill and paper...*

Dear Lupin,

Did you get a message from Dunderheadmaster too?

Seems He-Who-Must-Not Be-Named is starting something again. See you in a few, I'm having lunch.

Professor Snape,

Rushes for No Man

Snape Fan

Severus,

Yes, I just got the note. I will meet you in the dungeons later so we can leave.

I hope Albus knows what he's doing. Lockhart already owled me about signing autographs for his latest book. I told him no one in American would know who he is. *laughs loudly*

Remus

I hear from my son that you are going to someplace called Florida. Didn't they just have a hurricane?

How very muggle.

Needless to say, the Dark Lord is very interested in this trip. No doubt you will be having some visitors soon, if you take my meaning.

The Dark Lord is trying to contact someone there called Cruella Deville. Supposedly, she has some contacts for us.

Victory will be ours!

Lucius

Victory will be ours.

Scapegrace

Lucius,

Dear me. You seem to have gone off the deep end while paying your debt to society, Jailbird.

Cruella Deville? Well, if she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will! What is she gonna do? Steal all the house elves and make a coat out of their skins?

I'm certainly unimpressed. Now that Jafar character. He's my kind of bad daddy. I like the cut of his jib.

Professor Snape

Similar to some evil bastards,

yet, One Of A Kind.

*"Hello, Lupin. Are you ready to go? All things packed?

I made triple batches of your special potion as there is a full moon tonight. We don't want to kill any of the Floridians now, do we? I just have time to answer this one last letter I received..."*

Dear Professor,

Can you please bring me back a Minnie Mouse t-shirt? I've always wanted one. Make it purple, sleeveless, size small.

You can bring it to me when you get back. I'll plan a lovely candle-light dinner for the two of us.

I will miss you, sweetie!

Love Narcy

Snape Fan

*sighs, rolls eyes at the lengths some women will go to - forwards letter to Lockhart*

Severus!

I hope you have lectured your Slytherins on the correct behavior expected of them on this trip!

I will NOT be putting up with any misbehaving. Why the Headmaster saw fit to put me in charge of your green hooligans is beyond my comprehension!

Minerva

P.S. How do you look in a pirate costume??

Scapegrace

"Aaaaaaahhhh!!" *Crumples up McGonnagal letter*

"Will that horrid woman never cease!"

*apparates to muggle airport with Lupin, (who is looking quite ragged with the full-moon soon to come.)*

*straps himself into a seat next to a nun with a guitar on her lap*

*sighs, purchases headset so he can enjoy "The Muppet Movie" while in flight.*

*suddenly, a note flutters towards him folded as a butterfly*

*opens note while nun sleeps*

Dear Professor,

I hope you enjoy your first airplane flight. I wish I could have gone with you and Professor Lupin. I would have felt much safer. You two are my most favorite teachers. (I'm not just saying this because I think you might die in a terrible crash or anything,)

Have a safe trip!

Love, Hermione Granger

Snape Fan

Miss Granger,

Now just why would you think this is my first airplane trip? Not that it is any of your business, but I'll have you know I have used many means of muggle transportation, including airplanes.

Professor Lupin is asleep now as it is his "time of the month." *smirks* I will tell him of your concern *snorts*

We will see you when you land in Florida. And please don't forget your 3 foot essay on the different ways muggle transportation can interfere with a werewolf's transformation.

Consider that your detention for bothering me yet again with one of your letters!

Professor Snape

flying the friendly skies

*sends letter off with a casual wave of his hand and returns to "The Muppet movie" marvelling at how much Lupin and Animal resemble each other*

I was given your name by a mutual acquaintance if you get my meaning.

I understand you are visiting the happiest place on earth. I, along with my co-hort the Queen of Hearts (from Alice in Wonderland!) will be happy to meet with you.

Once we have attained the great victory we have been promised, we can turn this place into the unhappiest place on earth!

See you soon!

Cruella Deville

Mouse

Heya Cruella!

Lemme lemme tell you. You. Cruella. Cruella? What kinda name is Cruella? Why didn't your parents name you Pickonme Imageek, or Imahootchymama or something? Bloodystupidname. Muggles! Let me tell you about muggles Cruella! I asked this waitressy woman on the plane (but don't call them waitresses they get right up yer nose about it oh by the way I'm on a plane) about hurricanes and turbulence and airplanes. She said all you could do was take gravel. Gravel? BAH-HA-HA-HA! It turned out there's these pink pellets that muggles call Grav-OL; it's some kind of medicine. Well I didn't see how taking pink pellets was going to help keep the plane from getting turbulated, but I got some and read the package and it said to take one or two pills and don't operate any heavy machinery WHAT KIND OF ADVICE IS THAT they don't give you any heavy machinery to operate on the bloody airplane! Where's my tractor! Waitress, I didn't get my tractor! I want to ride it up and down this bloody tincan you call an airplane while I wait for my turn in that coffin-sized bathroom! Where's my tractor? Where's my bulldozer? I want that backhoe I was promised! So anyway. I took two of these Grav-OL pills, and let me tell you Cruella, I'm not impressed by this by this by this muggle medicine 'cause I didn't feel ANYTHING. So I took two more pills and STILL NOTHING. I even waited a few minutes just to be sure. MUGGLE MEDICINE DOESN"T WORK so I ordered a stiff drink instead. And I tell you Cruella, I'm having a fabulous time! I love airplanes! We hit the tail end of a hurricane and it's like we're on the rollercoaster already sod that stupid Disneyplace - this airplane is the happiest place on earth! Whoo-hoo! Of course they just tied me to my seat but that's okay because Lupin got tied up too after he started howling.

Did you ask me a question? Where's that letter again I'm an advice columnist did you know that? Oh here. Hmm. I have to be careful I'm probably not supposed to tell you this but I'm a SPY and I have to make sure you're not part of some sting operation out to get Voldeporn those Americans come down hard on terrorists like him. Hmm. You're Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmations and you're in league with the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland. Well that all seems in order. I see no reason to doubt your credentials. Meetcha in Florida! Lookin forward to doing business with you oops Lupin just threw up on me.

Love Sev, sorry about the stains

Keep me posted about your progress in Florida! I'm terribly concerned about the safety of the children, as are you, I'm sure. I'm so glad I sent you, because I know I can trust you to stay alert and sort out who can be trusted in Disneyworld! Send me an owl as soon as you can.

Yours,

Albus

Scapegrace

(Mouse, your letter is one for the archives for sure!!!)

*"Oh my head"

Where the hell am I again? Huh? Washington what? Security prison? Terrorist risk? What, me? Oh, God, my head. Can I have a quill and some parchment please? Please?"*

Headmaster,

It seems I've been detained in some sort of Muggle Prison. They diverted the plane to a place called Washington D.C. They are claiming I'm some sort of serurity risk. Seems the waitress of the air-o-plane did not take my joke too well. The one that goes, "I've got a wand in my pocket and I'm ready to use it...."

They confiscated my wand after I passed out.

I need my solicitor. Right now they have an appointed one who I don't believe knows anything about wizard rights in foreign countries. Instead, they've arranged a hearing to determine my sanity.

*Shouts out through the prison bars..."I need a headache potion! Please, for Merlin's sake, brew me up some 'Day-After Draught', my head is throbbing!!!!!!! What the hell are you looking at? Get away from me with your ogling stares you prison scumbag!!!!"*

Oh, and one more thing. I seem to have lost Lupin.

Apparently, when I was blacked out, he went on a rampage once we landed in Washington D.C. I've heard the prison guards talk of a monster on the loose. The pah-leeze are tracking him down even now.

Get Me Out Of Here!!!!!

Professor Snape

*Snicker, snicker*

I hear you are in a tight spot over there in the states.

*Hee hee*

Hope you are enjoying the sights!

Minerva,

P.S.,

Oh, and here's some "Happy Hang-Over" Potion. I keep an ample supply on hand for myself, don't you know!

Albus is coming soon!

Snape Fan

Albus,

I am fine now thank you. Thanks for the solicitor. And oh, by the way, I found Lupin; he was in a muggle zoo. I obliviated everyone necessary. Albus, I am meeting up with a Cruella Deville who has been in touch with a mutual friend if you get my meaning. I will let you know the outcome.

Minerva,

Thank you for the potion. Unfortunately your skills at transfiguration do not carry over to potions. Did you make this? Because I know I didn't! That was not hangover potion woman, that was the base for a pimple potion.

Please stop with trying to prove you know more than me regarding potions. Fortunately I didn't take what you sent, but dumped it instead.

Severus

I get your meaning and thank you very much. Minerva has been cackling over the predicament you and Lupin found yourselves. It will be interesting to see if she manages to keep herself out of trouble too!

Please check out the disney ride called "It's a Small World." I hear it is wonderful and I'd like your opinion on it.

Also, please check and see if they sell lemon drops there!

Albus

Mouse

Albus,

We have infiltrated Disneyworld and are obtaining intelligence on the place. In fact, we have found a way to infiltrate the site even more thoroughly than we had thought would be possible. You see, Lupin is still a wolf, but he's been taking his wolfsbane potion, so he's in control of himself again. I had put him on a leash in order to let him accompany me in the park, but this has turned out to be unnecessary. We've discovered that if he walks on his hind legs, smiles in a Gilderoy Lockhart "I'm-a-blithering-idiot" fashion all the time, and waves at people, then the muggles just wave back or take photos of him standing next to their children. Some of the older children have been asking him what movie he's from, but we've found that if he just keeps smiling, patting them on the head and hugging them, eventually they accept that he isn't going to answer their question, and wander away. It's really quite fascinating. More importantly, in this fashion, Lupin is able to infiltrate places where only employees are allowed.

In answer to your questions: "It's a Small World" is located at Disneyland, in California, not Disneyworld, in Florida, so I cannot give you my opinion of the ride. Yes, they sell lemon drops here, Albus. Have you ever heard of diabetes, Albus? It's something you might want to read up on. Diabetes, and tooth decay; or vitamin C poisoning even. I mean, you eat those things continually; it can't be good for you.

I will be making contact with the American agent this afternoon. I can't talk any more right now because we're just entering Epcot Center. Details soon, by secure owl.

Severus

I must say, you were a good deal more "severe" than I had expected based on your last letter, but this is a very, very good thing. You seem much more sensible in person; it's sometimes hard to judge a person by their writing style.

That was a very fruitful meeting this afternoon, and I hope our dinner with the Queen of Hearts tonight (she likes to be called Queenie, by the way) will be as informative. We will bring our tentative plans for the takeover of Disneyworld and the subjugation of it's employees, and you can inform us as to how "our mutual friend" will be able to assist us in this reign of terror. Oh, and I should tell you that, for reasons of our own, Queenie and I want to start by consolidating control over the Pirates of the Caribbean employees. We will not negotiate on this point, so I hope you are amenable to the matter.

See you tonight, Severus! Oh, and by the way, would you be willing to sell me that delightful shaggy dog that accompanied you this afternoon? I have a great love of dogs, and winter is coming, so I need a heavier coat soon.

Sincerely,

Cruella Deville

Snape Fan

Dear Miss Deville,

No, the dog is not for sale, and don't think for one moment I don't know the true reason you want him. *reminds self to give her an especially nasty hex during final battle*

As for "Queenie" as you so delightfully call her, I can only hope she knows what she is doing. *thinks the Dark Lord has really lost it if he's planning on using these two bumbling idiots in the battle*

I will see you both tonight at the meeting, and please keep your filthy hands off the dog!

*sends owl off to Albus telling him of plans*

Professor Snape

Dobby told us to get in touch with you. He has mentioned how kind you are to the House Elves and I believe you are even the current P.E.E. President (Protection of the Enslavement of Elves)?

We are writing this to warn you of evil things to come soon. As you know, DisneyWorld is the happiest place on earth, but there also lurks some evil here. One of those evils is the evil stepmother (actually there are many evil stepmothers here, but we are concerned with only one here), who, while not quite a witch, does know some evil magic to transform a harmless delicious apple into a food that will put one in a deep sleep. Plus, she's butt-ugly! Big wart on the end of her nose, chin that sticks out a mile...but we digress.

Please meet with us at midnight tonight in Cinderella's castle. We need your help. Dobby has said you are a great wizard, almost as powerful as Professor Dumbledore! Grumpy will be the one waiting for you. I'm sure you two will get along just fine.

Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful

Thanks,

Mouse

Dwarves,

Does it really have to be midnight? I'm dreadfully jet-lagged still. Oh very well; tonight at Cinderella's castle it is. I shall be there. I will try to keep my dinner engagement this evening brief. I'm just leaving for that now. [Puts on his tuxedo jacket and top hat, attaches his pocket watch, and adjusts his white bow tie in the mirror]

Severus

Thank you for coming tonight. It was a very fruitful evening. I apologise for Queenie's behaviour; I really don't know what got into her. She's not usually that forward. It must have been the wine, or perhaps you reminded her of someone she knew. That was a really smashing suit you were wearing, by the way. I liked the hat.

I have some reservations about the dark lord wanting full dominion over the teacup ride, but I think his plan to use Disneyworld as a base of operations from which to influence political leaders is an excellent one. In fact, Queenie and I have had some success with placing Governor Jeb Bush under the Imperius curse in the past, and we may have been able to influence the last presidential election in small but important ways. We have high hopes for doing it again this November, but that will demand quick action from both the dark lord and ourselves, as we are meeting serious resistance to our plans from some of the "goody-goody" elements in the theme park this time around. Be careful of who you trust, Severus - suffice it to say, steer clear of anyone under four feet tall, especially if they're singing that "Hi-Ho" song.

I look forward to our next meeting tomorrow on the rollercoaster ride. Don't worry; we'll put Queenie in a different car, and there won't be any repeat of that "just looking for my dropped fork" incident, like there was under the table at dinner tonight. I mean really; I was as shocked as you were.

And I really must press you on the issue of that lovely dog. I don't like to be denied a puppy that I have set my heart on. You really must sell him to me.

Yours,

Cruella

Snape Fan

Dear Miss Deville,

I won't be meeting you again. You will be meeting with one of the Dark Lord's little minions by the name of Lucius Malfoy (if he can figure out how to get out of prison).

And the issue of the dog is closed. (rolls eyes and wonder where the Dark Lord finds his people - this one can't even tell the difference between a dog and a wolf).

Severus Snape

I hope you found the hotel and rooms to your liking for your group. I'm sure you and Professor Lupin will find the Presidential Suite to your liking and we look forward to assisting you in anyway we can.

I have located a store that will deliver lemon drops on a daily basis to your Headmaster.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you. We will have vans waiting for your group when they arrive in Orlando.

M. Eisner

Mouse

["M. Eisner? Who the hell is that? Must be some pathetic clerk, grovelling to lick my bootheels. He sounds like a Percy Weasley clone; I shall treat him as such."]

Dear M. Eisner,

The presidential suite is acceptable, but we would like two chocolates left on the pillows by the cleaning staff, instead of one. Also, the towels aren't fluffy enough; please remedy this.

Make sure the vans are on time when you pick up our group, as children rapidly become unmanageable when forced to sit and wait. I expect you to meet the Headmaster personally when he arrives, and escort him to the hotel yourself.

And please show the proper reverence when you meet him, because frankly, you aren't fit to kiss the hem of his robes.

Yours,

Professor Snape

We appreciate enormously Professor Snape complimenting us with his presence last night in Cinderella's castle. We hope Professor Snape's stay was a pleasant and comfortable one. Dobby said that Professor Snape was a great and powerful wizard, and we were so very pleased to discover it was true for ourselves. Professor Snape is a true friend to house elves and treats them with exquisite disdain and contempt, as all masters should!

We are gratified that we have convinced Professor Snape of the perversity of Cruella Deville, and that he has decided to refrain from contacting her anymore. She is a bad lady! She has a profoundly unhealthy thing for dogs, that goes well beyond just making coats out of them.

Cruella's cohort, the Queen of Hearts, is quite unbalanced, but basically okay - just don't wear a top hat around her, or MEOW! Out comes the cougar. Very frisky lady around a man with a big hat.

We hope Professor Snape will convey our welcome to the great Albus Dumbledore, and arrange for a meeting between Professor Dumbledore and ourselves, so that we can plan a counterattack against the forces of evil that have their eye on the happiest place on Earth!

Sincerely,

Bashful, on behalf of the seven dwarves

Snape Fan

Dear Bashful,

I enjoyed meeting with the seven of you also. Dobby sends his regards.

Oh, and by the way, avoid at all costs a person by the name of Hermione Granger. She has a bad habit of trying to free the House Elves and I have no doubt that she will try and do the same to you.

Unfortunately, I might have to meet with the Deville woman again, although I am loath to do so. As you know, the Headmaster has sent me on a mission and this will include meeting with some unfortunate people.

I look forward to meeting with you again.

Severus Snape

Friend to elves and dwarfs

We are almost ready to arrive in Florida! I'm so excited! Perhaps I shall write another best seller on my adventures there.

I wonder if they have a contest for the best smile. Can you find out for me? Thanks old chap.

I hope you have found rooms to suit my personality. I have very specific ideas on what I need.

See you soon!

G. Lockhart

Mouse

Lockhart,

As it happens, I found a suite of rooms perfect for your needs in a place called the "Fun House". There are mirrors on every surface; you will be delighted.

Of course, having the intellect of an addled house-fly, you might have trouble finding your way out of the place, but at least you will be having "fun". The rest of us will enjoy your absence as well.

Severus

Dear Severus,

This Disneyworld place is fantastic! I can walk around in public as a werewolf, and nobody cares! The children think I'm cute! The parents trust me with the children! This is fantastic! I'm thinking about moving here, to tell you the truth.

On top of that, I met a very elegant lady this afternoon named Cruella, who was all over me. She loved the fur, I tell ya. She's a bit old for me, but appears to have plenty of "energy" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink!) still. Would you believe she actually said that she's been wanting to get her hands on werewolf for years! Hubba hubba!

I'm going over to her place for dinner this evening, so don't wait up for me. I might be late!

Remus

Snape Fan

*sighs and prepares himself for another rescue mission*

*mutters to self: Thank Merlin his Wolfesbane potion is ready and he can transform back into his human form. I refuse to be solely responsible for those Gryffindor brats!*

Remus,

You will not be going to meet that woman tonight! She only wants your fur - did you not see her clad head to toe in fur?? She is addicted to it.

Besides, everyone arrives tomorrow and we must be ready for them. I will see you in the lobby in an hour!

Severus

The Gryffindors have all purchased these bright neon lime green t-shirts so we can find each other easily in DisneyWorld.

We even got one for you!

I hope we got you the right size!

H. Granger

P.S. Do you know where the 7 Dwarfs reside? I'd like to show them some of my S.P.E.W. material!

Mouse

Dear Miss Granger,

The seven dwarfs reside in a magically hidden house. To access it, you must ride the "Hyper-Mania Super-Ejecto" roller coaster seven times in a row, then stand beside the garbage can, close your eyes and spin around fifteen times. Then, finally, you lean over and smell the garbage can. The domicile of seven dwarfs will appear shortly thereafter, if you have done everything correctly. If it doesn't work the first time, you may need to repeat the process. Take Potter and Weasley along with you; I'm sure the dwarves will be delighted to meet them. Remember; if at first you don't succeed, try try again!

Thank you for the t-shirt. It is NOT the right size. It is too tight, and seems to have a v-neck that shows off a good deal of my chest hair...the t-shirts for the students don't look like this, do they?? I'm afraid I cannot wear this article, so I've passed it along to Professor Lupin, who currently has a great deal of chest hair to show off.

Although this might not have been the case if I hadn't fired a well-timed stunning spell at Cruella Deville while her back was turned as she looked for her skinning knife. Bloody stupid werewolf in rut. The whole sorry incident seems to have quelled his impulse to move here at least.

And my compliments on the colour you Griffindors have decided to attire yourselves in. I shall be a good deal less embarrassed escorting you rabble around the theme park if you at least look like Slytherins; thank you for your thoughtfulness. I am uncharacteristically touched by the gesture.

Yours,

Professor Snape

The werewolf was mine!! How dare you take him from me, you greasy-haired British bastard! I'll get you for this, and the dog WILL be mine! I shall call up all the evil that the Disney empire has hidden in its foul hellish vaults and unleash it upon this park, JUST TO GET AT YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS HOGWARTS BRATS!!! You will be eviserated! You will be rent limb from limb! You will be strapped to the Hyper-Mania Super-Ejecto rollercoaster (fondly called the Vomit Comet by those who know it well) for hours! SHAKE WITH TERROR, YOU TOUCAN-NOSED DOGGIE-THIEF !!!

Cruella

P.S. - Now wouldn't it be so much more civilised if you just handed the fleabag over to me, and we shook hands and went our separate ways? Hmm?

Snape Fan

*snorts and sends Cruella a silencing potion that will take effect once the owl drops her returned letter.*

Severus,

Thank you for doing all the preparations for this trip. Everything was well planned and our rooms are wonderful. Although Minerva keeps asking me why her room is only the size of a broom closet (was this room once a broom closet Severus, hmmm?)

You and Remus will meet with the Gryffindors tonight to plan your day tomorrow. I don't think it's necessary for the entire school to stick together, so some of us will visit DisneyWorld, some to EPCOT, and others to Animal Kingdom.

I hear the Dark Lord has tried to make contact with some of the evils lurking here. I fear the final battle will soon take place.

Keep the children safe Severus!

Albus

Mouse

Albus,

Tell Minerva that if she gained a few pounds, she wouldn't have been mistaken for a broom in the first place; it's not my fault. And you can tell her that Lupin and I are in a very small room also [Thinks: Well, any room is too small when you have to share it with a werewolf...], although she shouldn't drop by, because poor Remus is terribly embarrassed about the amount of hair on the carpets, now that he's getting near the end of "that time of the month".

It really is quite tacky of Minerva to whine about her room; do impress upon her than when in a foreign country, one is acting as an ambassador for one's own country, and should try to act with grace, and dignity. Not that Minerva ever had either quality, but she could at least try.

Right, right; sort the brats out tonight, pursuant to keeping them from being a pack of little horrors tomorrow, which they shall be anyway. Taking care of it, Albus. [snickers, and settles back in the hot tub more comfortably, reaching for his brandy]

Severus

Severus,

Where are you? I'm trying to plan the field day tomorrow with the Gryffindors, and the little brats are climbing the walls. Longbottom just barfed with excitement. WHY ARE YOU STILL UP IN THE HOTEL ROOM? Don't say you've got jetlag, you selfish son-of-two-goats-that-were-brothers; I need some backup here! In case you hadn't figured it out, the reason Albus wanted you helping take care of the Gryffindors is because you scare the shite out of them, so GET DOWN HERE AND DO YOUR JOB!

Remus

Snape Fan

Remus,

Can't control your own House? *snickers*

I shall be down directly. And will warn those brats that if they don't start behaving the only things that they will see while in Florida is the inside of this hotel.

Never fear, between the two of us we will control them. But just think, if the Gryffindors are acting this way, imagine how my Slytherins are treating Minerva. It might be worth a trip after we see to our charges to check on Minerva!

Severus

I understand that the final stand will be soon! I will try and endeavor to escape this prison so we may stand together with our master!

I will get in touch with some contacts when I arrive.

Looking forward to seeing you!

Lucius

Mouse

Lucius,

SPLENDID. Narcissa asked me to pick up a Ninny-mouse t-shirt for her while I was here. You can do it instead. She said to get a small one. However, having seen the size of her silicon "friends", I have trouble believing she could wear that. Maybe you have a better idea than I do of how malleable the "girls" are. They look like bloody torpedos to me.

Your contacts here in the Sappiest Place on Earth are Cruella Deville and "Queenie", the Queen of Hearts. They're a little odd.

I will give you a bit of advice for dealing with them: wear a top hat when you meet Queenie (and no need to thank me for the tip; I know you've been in prison a long time - consider it my little gift to an undoubtably lonely man). Also, Cruella loves werewolves, so if you can let slip that you are one, she'll be much more responsive to you. Remember Lucius, we owe the dark lord our complete loyalty; so don't screw things up with Cruella. I've already been on the receiving end of one of her fits of temper, and she's almost as volcanic as Draco forced to ride on last year's broomstick.

Severus

Who the hell has been teaching these Slytherins university-level hexes?

Minerva

Snape Fan

Minerva,

I hope you aren't accusing me of doing that!

No, I fear the blame for those hexes lays with the parents. You know what most of their parents are and does it surprise you that Slytherins know some advanced hexes?

Honestly woman, THINK!

Severus

How's the weather in Florida? Do you need some sweaters for you and your students?

I will be happy to owl some to you!

Bring me back a Goofy hat please!

Molly

Scapegrace

*grumble, grumble*

Dear Mrs Weasley,

I have enclosed one Goofy hat for your husband and a Dopey hat for you. Please, for Merlin's sake, do not send us any of your tatty, ratty sweaters! We are in Florida, you ninny! Florida. The sunshine state.

I must be off to control those Griffies.

Enjoy the hats. They speak volumes.

Professor Snape

Not a Queer Eye fashion expert, but I know a thing or two.

Snapey-Baby,

This is Hades.

I'm a friend of Cruella, and Queenie's. A couple of my own personal friends, (Scar, Hook, and Ursula the Sea Witch), heard about some sort of final showdown with our pal Voldy and we want in on the action too! (It's always good to have some sort of deity on your side).

I hope that Hercules hasn't heard about all this. He's been sort of a thorn in my side for a while now.

Anyways, enlighten me on your plans, Dude, and I'll see if I can help out.

Hades,

Ruler of the Underworld

Mouse

["Good grief; from under what rock are these people crawling? How many more of them are there?"]

Dear Hades,

Indeed, there is great and grand orgy of bloodshed and mayhem planned by the dark lord... ["Mr. Thomas! Stop yanking the costumed man's tail! No, I said stop it! Do not harrass the idiot in the fish suit! Five points from Gryffindor!"] ...in which we would be honoured to have you participate. It is expected to be an immense victory over the doddering fool, Albus Dumbledore, who is... ["Potter! Take Weasley's head out of that stuffed animal's buttocks! NO! NO WANDS!! Do it like a muggle, you foul boy! Five points from Gryffindor for each of you! Use your dust-mote-sized brain, Potter! NO WANDS!"] ...even as we speak wandering about this doomed theme park completely unaware of our dark plot. The plan for the final battle is still being formed, but I expect to be told... ["Patil! Pick Miss Brown up off the ground! No, STOP staring at the Caribbean pirate in the spandex pants who isn't wearing any underwear underneath; PICK UP MISS BROWN! Five points from Gryffindor!"] ...of the details soon, and will inform you of the where and when of the great butt-kicking. Dude. ["Longbottom! Get your ravening maw away from that cotton candy! I told you NO MORE! You're just about vibrating with the sugar overdose as it is! Five points from Gryffindor!"] Expect to be contacted by our agent Lucius Malfoy shortly, who will... ["WEASLEY!!!! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME TELL POTTER NO WANDS! NO! YOU WAIT IN THE LINE-UP LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!"] ...coordinate the attack with you, and inform you of the trustworthy allies in the park. Victory will be ours!

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

["No, get away from me Gilderoy - go back to the funhouse. Lots of mirrors...nice shiny mirrors; you know how you like those, Gilderoy...oh, all right; here's pocket money for a pair of "Scrooge McDuck" bathing trunks. NOW get away from me." *Sighs* "Remus, Longbottom just tripped over Miss Brown and impaled Miss Granger on the five or seven candy apple sticks he had hidden from me in his pocket; could you sort that one out? Please?" (Thinks: I'm in hell. I really am.)]

Isn't this a simply smashing place? I'm having as much fun as the children are! Lemon drop? A very nice Mr. Michael Eisner has been hand-delivering them to me since I got here; such a nice man!

I've been in contact with the seven dwarves, and they're coordinating with an animagus named Simba and a GENIE (can you believe it? A genie in America!). Snow White and Cinderella are also on side, and ready for the battle - I wouldn't want to cross Snow White, let me tell you! She reminds me of Molly Weasley. A LOT. The dwarves think the world of her, too; it must be those cast-iron lungs the lassie has. Oh! And speaking of Lassie, apparently Remus has already talked to her, and she's willing to help as much as her bum leg will allow. The poor thing is getting on in years.

Keep up your end of things, and get lots of intelligence on what the enemy is doing. I'm making contact with a heavy-hitter named Hercules this afternoon. Keep me informed of how things are going, and what information you and Remus have collected.

Albus

Snape Fan

Albus,

*wonders if it is possible to write sarcastically*

So, glad you are having such a wonderful time. I wish I could say the same.

Remus and I have made contact with Hercules. He rivals Hagrid in height. We have discussed our options and are forming a plan.

Albus, Remus and I were also put in touch with two characters name Chip and Dale. Honestly, those two could put the Weasley twins to shame with their pranks. Chip and Dale are more than willing to put their arsenal of tricks at our disposal. I think it might be a good idea to put them and the Weaslty twins together for more planning.

Also, Remus and I are positive we have found the secret to the Dark Lord's defeat. There is a place here called "It's a Small World." Have you ever heard that song Albus? It could defeat even Merlin himself I think.

Meet us there tonight at midnight and we'll show you what we mean. Remus is still a bit traumtized.

Severus

Would you care to explain just why I have hordes of children following me around asking if I'm a good witch or a bad witch?!?!

Have you put a spell on the muggle children visiting DisneyWorld? I'm having a hard enough time keeping your Slytherins in line, thank you very much.

And don't think I didn't see you and Remus hiding over by Space Mountain snickering!

I will inform Albus of this

Minerva

Mouse

Minerva,

[snickering madly] The funny thing is, we actually, really and truly have nothing to do with it this time.

Try taking your black pointed hat off, Minerva. Muggles don't wear those.

Yours,

Severus

The final battle is at hand!

Although you might have warned me about that Queenie woman; it was quite a battle getting her off me. Only my sweet and loyal Narcy will do, Severus! But I know you meant well, and I admit that it was nice change from being groped by that Alfinio fellow back in Azkaban.

Ahem. Anyhow! Our glorious master is on his way over the Atlantic, and you and I are to prepare our allies for battle! I will secure the teacup ride, you break into the Disney vaults and get Walter Disney's frozen head out of it. The employees of the park won't dare oppose us when we have their dark lord's HEAD! Ah-HA-ha-ha-HAH!

Also, tell Hades and the Sea Hag to cover the main gates so that the Muggle hordes cannot escape once the assault has begun. I'd better take care of sorting out what Cruella and Queenie are doing (by the way, Cruella really gets in a snit whenever your name is mentioned - what did you do to her??). Those two keep insisting on capturing the employees from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride first; I can't figure out why, but I suppose they might come in useful as hostages.

The evil stepmother (there's actually a few hanging around this place, but they all take orders from the one who tried to eat her daughter's heart) will take care of securing Epcot centre as a base of operations, and there's this ratty old lion named Scar who will be taking out the security guards one by one, commando-style - he says he's been wanting to do it for years, and I couldn't convince him to take a more active role than that unfortunately.

Now here's the really important bit, Severus. DON'T SCREW THIS UP. We need you to find out where Albus Dumbledore is going to be tomorrow. If he's in the park, we need to get him out before the battle starts. Voldemort does NOT want a repeat of that whole Ministry of Magic embarrassment. It's imperative that we keep Dumbledore away from Epcot centre. Find out what Dumbledore's plans are for tomorrow and inform me of them as soon as possible.

Oh, and tomorrow, see if you can isolate that Potter kid. Voldemort wants another crack at him, if you can believe it. What a glutton for punishment. Sheesh.

Lucius

Snape Fan

Lucius,

Tell the Dark Lord and all his followers to meet me at DisneyWorld at a place called "It's a Small World" ride. That will be perfect for the final battle.

*snorts and thinks how appropriate it will be to see Lucius and Riddle amongst small children puppets singing that atrocious song over and over and over. That will definitely be the death of the two of them!*

All is in readiness.

As for Cruella, that woman is a menace. She is perfect for you.

Severus

I got your message and have passed it on. We meet at "It's a Small World" tomorrow at noon.

I'm glad you picked that place. I believe the singing will distract the Death Eaters long enough for us to do what we have to.

By the way, did you see Minerva walking around with her witch's hat on? *snickers* I did that! Of course she suspects you and Remus and came complaining to me and I told her I would discuss it with the two of you. Consider this our discussion. *chuckles*

I have discovered another secret weapon we can use here. Bears from the Country Bear Jamboree! They too, have decided to come along and join in the singing! Their show is wonderful and they aren't afraid of Voldemort. Nothing seems to scare country people, interesting!

See you tonight at EPCOT for dinner!

Albus

Scapegrace

Headmaster,

*Music in background......"It's a world of laughter a world of tears......" This place is unGodly!...."It's a world of hopes and a world of fears..." I don't think I can bear being in here much longer!..."There's so much that we share..." I've seen no sign of the Darklord here yet.."That it's time we're aware..." I feel he may be beginning to..."It's a small, small, world..." suspect something's up.

"It's a small world after all..." I will head out to the Epcot Center now..."It's a small world after all..." I really shouldn't be in here..."It's a small world after all"...it's beginning to have a strange affect on me..."It's a small, small world." I'm feeling all warm and tingley inside.

I see Captain Hook and Cruella are doing a sort of strange, contorted, twisted, jerky dance to the music..."There is just one moon and one golden sun..." as if they were both under the imperius curse...."And a smile means friendship to everyone..." Lucius has Ursula in a tango crush..."Though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide..." and they are dipping every few minuted or so...."It's a small, small world..."

I don't see Hades...."It's a small world after all..." Which makes me believe he has tipped off He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named....."It's a small world after all..." But if you want to collect everyone at the Epcot golf ball building and bring them over here..."It's a small world after all..."we could certainly clean up the rest of this lot at any rate...."It's a small, small, world...." Feel as though I'm sinking into a warm, toastry bath of sweet scented, rose petaled water....."It's a world of laughter a world of tears..." Oh, dear Merlin, it's starting over again from the top....."It's a world of hopes and a world of fears..." Please, Albus, save me! I'm going, under!!!!!....."There's so much that we share..."

Snape has now tapped Lucius on the shoulder and has thrusted Ursula the Sea Witch towards him. Lucius refuses to defer and the two of them have four of Ursula's great tentacles wrapped about them looking like some huge sardine sandwich. She's dancing with the rest, except for a rogue tentacle which seems to be caressing Snape's trouser leg and up inwards. Yes, you've got the picture. He is in absolute bliss.

Snape's plea for help folds itself up and, thankfully, a nearly deaf owl, unaffected by the pulsating music, has grabbed the note in it's beak to bring to Dumbledore.....

Snape Fan

*Dumbledore reads the note and realizes drastic action is needed. He performs the sonorous spell and suddenly the repetitive chorus of It's a Small World is heard throughout all the theme parks of Disney.

Voldemort listens, sneering for a minute, before he too starts to fall under the spell. Muggles stop, mouths gaping open, as they see someone dressed (they think) as a cross between a snake and a man, seemingly singing and swaying to the music in a trance.

Dumbledore releases Snape from his spell and they rush to EPCOT where Voldemort is still drawing crowds. All around the park characters, both good and evil are converging at the golf ball.

Mouse

[Heard:]

"Mommy, why are they playing "It's a small world" over and over again?" "I don't know, dear...perhaps it's an anniversary of some kind? Gosh, that's annoying. I wish they'd stop doing that."

"Look Mommy! It's Scar from the Lion King! Why is he dressed like a ninja?" "It's a sm-hmm-hmm, after-er, er? What? Oh! So it is, dear. Sorry, it's that awful song; I wish they'd stop playing it. Um...I don't know why he's dressed like that, but look, he's dancing to the music. Isn't that nice?"

"Eek! Mommy, why is that shaggy man with the scarf around his ears wrestling Scar to the ground? Is he supposed to be a wolf? Why are they fighting?" "..world of laughter, a world of...w-what? I - I don't know why that wolf-man in the lime-green t-shirt is tying Scar up, dear."

"And look, there's the lady from 101 Dalmations on a LEASH, and she's got her hands tied together, and the skinny lady in the witch's hat and the big yellow earmuffs is taking her into Epcot centre."

"...smaaaaall, smaaaall world. It's a... honey? Mommy's have trouble controlling her feet...um...do you see Daddy anywhere? ...so much that we share, that it's time we're aware...Aigh! Make them stop! Make them stop playing that awful SONG! HELP!"

"Umm...Mommy? Are-are you okay? Why are you swaying and singing...It's a small world...la, la, la... Oh help, Mommy! It's got me too! Waaaaaah!"

[Seen:]

Lucius is hanging from the very top of the mast on the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. He is dressed like a pirate, has his wand out and is laughing fiendishly, firing lightening bolts at the panicking muggles below him. Just underneath him, in the crowsnest, is the Queen of Hearts. Occasionally she hurls an axe at one of the muggles, but mostly she's just staring up at the crotch of Lucius's spandex pants with a glazed look on her face. Creeping unseen below them is Severus (who is also dressed as a pirate, although he's wearing tight leather pants with enough coverage to leave something to the imagination, unlike Lucius's *ahem* form-fitting pants). When Severus is close enough to the mast, he conjurs a top hat and then expertly whips it - frisbee-style - into the air. It lands on Lucius's head. Suddenly Queenie lets out a cry of lust, grabs Lucius's leg and drags him down into the bottom of the crow's nest with her. The crow's nest - and in fact the entire mast of the ship - starts rocking back and forth violently, while Queenie's cooing and Lucius's high-pitched, terrorised squeals echo across the theme park. Severus straightens up, adjusts his pirate's bandanna to cover his ears better, and saunters back towards the fighting.

Snape Fan

[Seen]: Albus Dumbledore in a dark blue robe and pointy hat with stars twirling around outside Cinderella's castle handing out lemon drops to children who are asking him if he's Merlin from The Sword and the Stone. Voldemort and Wormtail are trying to make their way up to the castle without being seen. They are having a hard time as Wormtail is being followed by kids demanding he change to a footman and go get Cinderella. Voldemort has his wand out ready to strike Dumbledore as soon as he can get a clear shot at him. Behind them is Severus Snape and Harry Potter, united for once in their goal. Over in Tomorrow Land, Hermione is hexing Rita Skeeter, who has is hanging by her quill from the rocket ride. Hagrid is picking up DeathEaters one by one and hurling them into the lake. Ron is in Space Mountain with Seamus Finnigan, shoving the young DeathEaters, Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy off the ride. With everyone screaming, no one notices the three hooligans frozen in time.

Mouse

[Back in the hotel room - Remus is curled up in a ball of blankets on the floor, snoring, his fur half-moulted off. Every now and then he mumbles "Oh Pluto, my darling" and smiles in his sleep. Severus is lying on the bed with a bag of ice over his black eye, muttering death threats against the Sea Hag. There is a knock on the door, and Snape winces at the noise, rubs his head, then gets up. Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he whips the pirate's bandanna off his head and hastily does up his unbuttoned shirt. At the door, a young executive in a severe suit wordlessly hands him an envelope and then leaves. Snape tears open the envelope and reads:]

Dear Professor Snape,

Disneyworld would like to thank you for your part in the fiasco that has nearly brought the Disney Corporation to its knees in financial ruin and public relations humiliation. We thank you for inciting our dwarves to riot, our wicked witches to bunk off for English tea with Minerva McGonagall, and our "Pirates of the Caribbean" go-go boys to start demanding we supply them with dancer's belts underneath their spandex pants. We have taken care of your bill at the Disney Hotel (you check out this evening; we hope your stay was pleasant), and cordially present you with these complimentary plane tickets HOME for you and your companions. Bon voyage.

Sincerely

M. Eisner

Severus,

Good job taking care of Lucius Malfoy! I just saw them hauling him out of the crow's nest of the Pirates of the Caribbean ship. He was in complete disarray and gibbering plaintively. Whatever you did to him was certainly effective. Pity about Voldemort getting away, though. Oh well, maybe next time! A jolly good show on everyone's part, and that's what really matters!

We, erm, seem to have been invited to leave. I'm helping the children get packed up now. Wasn't this a fun vacation, though? One of my better ideas, I think. I'll see you at the airport, Severus!

Toodles,

Albus

PS - Please change out of that Pirate's outfit as soon as you can. Minerva has been acting funny ever since she saw you drag yourself back to the hotel wearing those leather pants. She's all red in the face and can't seem to concentrate on anything. Now that I think of it, Miss Granger is exhibiting the same symptoms too. Hmm. Yes; I think it's best if you change.

Scapegrace

Takes off Hawaiian lei, eye-patch, pirate hat and striped bandana. Sticks heart-shaped sunglasses in suitcase. Goes over to nudge Lupin awake...

(He's not too happy about being awakened).

"Shut your mouth and drink this potion, damnit! We have to catch a plane back home and you need to be sedated. We're flying you back in the cargo hold where the pets are kept in cages. Here" Hands Lupin a bowl of potion which he obediently laps up. Falls into a deep slumber, "Oh, Goofy, Oh woof woof, I think Max is beginning to suspect something..."

Snape shakes his head in disgust.

Will you please allow me to come to Hogwarts and interview you for the Quibbler? We heard some really strange and bizarre stories about the Hogwarts field trip and need some reliable sources to give us the scoop.

We can even talk money if you like.

A young boy named Colin Creevey has already sold us hundreds of pictures, many of which I'm sure you'll agree to see me in order to tell us just exactly what you claim to be doing in these photos.

Rita Skeeter

Snape Fan

Skeeter,

As much as I hate to agree with Miss Granger, you are a horrible woman and I have no intention of ever giving you an interview.

As for those pictures Mr Creevey gave you, I think you'll find that they have been altered once you print them in your paper *smirks wickedly*

Too bad you weren't in Florida with us. Perhaps one of the hurricanes could have blown you away and let the entire wizarding world be forever free of your annoying presence.

This being said, I have forwarded your letter to Miss Granger with my blessing to be one of your "reliable sources." I do look forward to hearing the outcome of said interview. *smirks again and raises his glass of Firewhiskey in a salute to Miss Granger*

Professor Snape

I must say you do look different without your robes. You really do have the pirate look about you!

I think you should wear that costume for our annual Halloween party this Friday.

Don't forget the leather pants!

Minerva

Mouse

Minerva,

You know that I never dress up for Hallowe'en. My life is Hallowe'en - dark and filled with the demons of the past. I don't see any reason to celebrate it, not like all you dilettantes of the true horror of life, who try to play along with your costumes and pale face paint, one night a year.

But here, I've enclosed the leather pants with this letter, since I don't need them anymore. You can snog them like a lonely house-elf, or wear them yourself; I don't care. [shudders as he pictures Minerva wearing the leather pants, realising that actually, he does care, and hoping Minerva doesn't take him up on the second suggestion]

Snape

We Gryffindors had a lovely time with you in Disneyworld - well, up until the State Troopers started shooting at us anyway, but that wasn't your fault - and some of us older girls wanted to thank you, so we got together and bought you this lovely black leather shirt to go with your black leather pants. We thought the little decorative silver chains were very subtle and tasteful, and you'll notice that we made sure that it covers you modestly, since you didn't like that green t-shirt we sent you before.

I think you look better in black anyhow; it really brings out the shine of your hair and the flash of your eyes. Er, maybe you want to consider updating your look? I think leather trousers and a matching shirt would look very modern-wizard; you could dress like that all the time. Students really respond to teachers who are current in their fashions, you know.

Yours,

Hermione

PS - That horrible Skeeter woman actually did have the nerve to try to contact me for rumours about the Florida trip. I smacked her with a bat-bogey hex and a jelly-legs curse, then leviosa'ed her out the window while she was still trying to fight off the bogeys. I thought you would approve.

Snape Fan

Miss Granger,

Thank you, but I have been dressing myself for years and do not need any fashion advice.

I like what I'm wearing now - *thinks he'd have to beat the women off with a stick if he wore what Miss Granger suggested*

As for that Skeeter person, I am awarding 50 points to Gryffindor for your ability to handle that creature under pressure.

Professor Snape

Can you come back and get me please? I have been mistaken for one of the rats from Cinderella. I have tried explaining to these muggles the difference between a rat and a ferret, but they won't listen.

Help!

D. Malfoy

Mouse

Dear Minerva,

You appear to have misplaced one of my Slytherins, Minerva! I didn't lose any of your precious Gryffindors, so how come I just got a letter from Draco Malfoy begging me to come and rescue him from Florida? This is your cock-up, Minerva, so you go fix it. Fetch Draco at the earliest opportunity, or I'll be informing his parents of what a grievously deficient guardian you proved to be!

I am including his letter to me, so that you know what to look for when you go to find him. A ferret of small size, cowardly disposition and nearly albino colouration. And probably shivering pathetically a puddle of his own widdle; see previous comment regarding disposition.

Yours,

Severus

We're building a haunted house for the Hallowe'en party this Friday, and we're wondering if you could help us create some scary effects for it? Professor Flitwick was going to help us, but then he said that if we really wanted to scare the first years soggy-bottomed, we ought to ask you.

Remembering what first year Potions class was like, we tended to agree with him.

Sincerely,

N. Longbottom, H. Potter

Haunted House Committee

Snape Fan

Mr Longbottom and Mr Potter,

Normally I would not have anything to do with something of this nature, but I will help for two reasons:

1. I love scaring first and second years. Third and fourth years are fun also, as a matter of fact, I love scaring everyone, therefore I will be more than happy to assist you in this endeavor.

2. I have the perfect effect for your haunted house, if it arrives in time. Mr Malfoy, unfortunately, has been turned into a ferret again and I think it would be amusing to see him running around trying to scare people. You two will be in charge of constructing some sort of pen to keep him in.

Of course, if you ever tell anyone of the second reason I will be forced to deny it and will make sure the two of you serve detention with Filch for the rest of the year.

Professor Snape

We are having a costume contest and need one more judge. Professor Lupin has agreed to be one of the judges. Professor Dumbledore also volunteered, but we are hesitant to say yes to him as he has an odd sense of humor during halloween.

Will you help?

H. Granger & G. Weasley

Costume Committee

Scapegrace

Miss Granger and Miss Weasley,

Alright, yes, I will be a judge for your Halloween costume contest; heaven knows, the Headmaster's idea of a good fright would most certainly involve a shortage of bedpans in his "Room of Requirement" , (if only that were possible to create into a costume- ah, the horror), *snorts*

I have also asked my good friend Alan Rickman to provide us with a prop that I'm sure we can convert into a useful item for the funhouse. It was used on the set of Galaxy Quest for a scene involving his character Alexander Dane. (Which he also suggested that I come to the party as, seeing as how I do resemble both Alan and the character Dr Lazarus),.

At any rate, here is the prop. It was supposed to be an alien toilet. But I thought we could somehow convert it into an electric chair to frighten the students.

I wonder just how much electrical voltage the average student can handle before it becomes too painful. Well, no matter. I'm sure we can get your father, (Miss Weasley), to fiddle with it. Arthur is always so eager to get his hands on such devices.

Professor Snape

*Picks up the Dr, Lazarus costume Alan also sent over and shakes his head muttering something about Grabthar's Hammer...*

I've gotten your owl and I'd be more than happy to elec-tor-i-fi-cate your zapping chair. Oh, this will be just wonderful!

Let's see,...I'm going to need some leather straps, some kind of buzzing noise-maker, I'll have to read up on voltage and watts and oh, I'm quite beside myself with excitement!

Molly says she hasn't seen me like this since our neighbor needed help converting his muggle cousin's comp-u-ta-tor into something that would work with magic instead of cables! Oh!, I'll need to dig up those spells if I'm going to make this thing work too!

We just want to scare the kiddies, yes? Make their hair stand on end and what-not?

I'll be over first thing tomorrow, as soon as I owl in to work that I am ill.

See you then,

Arthur

Snape Fan

Arthur,

At first I was going to assign Miss Granger and your daughter to help you, but on second thoughts *thinks of the saftey of Hogwarts that could be forever endangered whenever Arthur works on anything muggle* I will assist you.

Besides, I have some ideas of my own. I also took the liberty of your two elder children here to help. Lord knows they know enough about pranks to be of some use here.

I'm thinking we need to find a student to "pretend" to get shocked *thinks Longbottom would be good and smirks*.

Severus

So nice to see you taking such an interest in Halloween. You know I always think Halloween is for some good clean, scary fun!

Thank goodness the moon will be full that night and your idea that me in my werewolf form, and you dressed as Dracula wandering through the castle is priceless! I also love the idea of walking through the Slytherin common room. The little buggers will get a good fright!

I do hope you are including Minerva in your plans. She was a tad rude to me after the Disney trip. Can I help it if the muggles confused her with that evil witch from Snow White?? I ask you!

I had an idea of my own also Severus. Why not go visit that idiot Lockhart when we are done scaring everyone and frighten him? Maybe he'll challenge Dracula to a duel!

Remus

Scapegrace

Lupin,

I'm not sure we can risk having you enter St. Mungo's in your werewolf state. We'll already have to severly sedate, as well as muzzle you, (Hannibal Lecter style), so as to allow you not to bite anyone while you are at Hogwarts.

Oh, and we must remember to rid Minerva of her toffees before Halloween, as I heard she was planning to pass them out as her "treat" when people knock on her door.

I have a few "tricks" up my robes for that old bat at any rate. Meet me at The Three Broomsticks tonight for a chat on what we'll do, heh, heh

Professor Snape

*wonders if he can be Alexander Dane's Dr. Lazarus in a Dracula costume.*

This year, I am raising funds for S.P.E.W. by instigating a campaign to "Trick-or-Treat for S.P.E.W." with small collection boxes that I have made for the trick-or-treaters to carry with them.

May we use your dungeons classroom as the "Trick-or-Treat for S.P.E.W." headquarters? The kids could pick up their boxes and drop them off there right before the Halloween party.

I just know you will help us out. You are sure aa excellent and caring teacher. (You are my favorite, did you know?)

Will you be wearing that pirate costume for Halloween, by the way? Ooooh, I hope so!

Thanks,

Love, oh, I mean, sincerely,

Hermione

Snape Fan

*pinches fingers between toes and sighs heavily*

Miss Granger,

Why must you persist in this SPEW business? You should know by now that the elves are perfectly happy here and do not want to be freed.

That being said, I will allow you to use classroom for a collection point *especially since there won't be too many full boxes he thinks, smirking*.

As for my costume, no I am not wearing the pirate one and no I will not tell you what I am wearing. You will find out.

Miss Granger, I think in all my years of teaching, you are the first to ever call me their favorite teacher. Of course, I don't believe you, so you will serve detention after Halloween ends.

Professor Snape

P.E.E. member in good standing

I don't trust you! I know you are planning something underhanded for Halloween.

I won't stand for it. I expect you and Remus to be on your best behavior.

I have my eyes on the both of you!

Minerva

Deputy Headmistress

Mouse

Dear Minerva,

But if I dressed up like a pirate, you'd only have your eyes on me, wouldn't you?

Relax, Minerva; I daresay that your recent trip to Florida has left you a bit frazzled. I've taken the liberty of brewing you a draught of peace. Take it before bedtime the evening before Hallowe'en, and you'll have an excellent night's sleep, and awake feeling rested and calm.

Hang loose, Minnie baby. Find your happy place.

Peace out,

Severus

Professor McGonagall got me back from Florida, but she wouldn't turn me back into a human. She said it was to save on plane fare (she shipped me cargo class, sir! I'm a Malfoy!), but I'm back at Hogwarts now, and Crabbe is still having to carry me around to classes in his pocket. I don't want to be a ferret anymore, Professor! Please turn me back! I don't want to be part of the Hallowe'en entertainment! Wah!!!

[tiny ferret tear stains rumple the bottom of the parchment]

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

Scapegrace

~awww,Mouse, that's so sad, this is for poor Draco ~

*scribble, scribble, scribble. "Filch!"...

"Yes, Professor Snape. sir?"

"Bring this note over to Madam Pomfrey. There's a Slytherin student that requires her attention. I have written down the appropriate antidote; the "ferret-no-more" frappe. She'll know what to do. And, for Merlin's sake, do come to me next time with both legs in your trousers! I'm not going to even ask what you were doing or where! Now, OUT!"

Grabs cloak and dashes out to The Three Broomsticks...*

"Ah, Lupin, have you been waiting long?"

"What?, oh, no, no, Severus. I just feel very weak tonight. As you know, the full moon was yesterday, and I've been sleeping it off for the past 24 hours. As it is, I can only stay for about half an hour until I must return to sleep some more. I've been sipping this disgusting potion you were kind enough to send me, and it's starting to make me quite drousy again."

"Well, I'll not keep you long then, here's the plan,....oh, hello, Headmaster, when did you arrive? I didn't see you enter through the door."

"Oh, well, now you know me, Severus. I like to keep everyone on their toes, Rosemerta!, you wouldn't happen to be serving up some Buffalo Chicken Wings, would you?

I had some while I was in Florida and now I have a taste for them again."

"Sir, is there a reason why you have come here tonight, or are you just being sociable?"

"Well, Remus; you look terrible, by the way, I've heard some talk around the castle- now I'm not naming names, mind you, but I needed to come and see if any of this scuttlebutt was true."

"Well, that depends entirely on what you have heard, Headmaster."

"Yes, Severus. Well, I'll not beat about the bush. Minerva says you two are plotting against her, damn!, I have no willpower to keep a secret! Aberforth was never letting me in on any of his secrets because of it. Alas, there it is. Any truth to this?"

"Truth be told, sir, yes. We are."

"Oh, great news! I thought this would be just another boring holiday. Well, count me in then! What do we have planned?"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz..........woof, woof, come back, Scooby, I won't do it again, come back!........zzzzzz", Lupin.

~anyone?~

Mouse

"Certainly; let me fill you in on the details Headmaster. You see, I don't partake of sweets very much, so the "treat" aspect of Hallowe'en has just never appealed to me."Tricks" on the other hand, are another matter. And the best part of any Hallowe'en "trick", or "prank", is to get those who aren't expecting it. For example: Remus here didn't expect a thing when he drank his potion tonight."

"Ah? You've done something to his potion?

"You'll see in a moment. Ah, there he goes now."

"Oh my goodness... Oh my goodness! Severus, er, that's... that's really not in very good taste. You can't let the students see THAT."

"Mmm. Well I'm not part of the equation anymore, am I? That's the beauty of it. You see, I get to leave the pub now, and when Remus wakes up, he gets to sort out how he's going to deal with being a wobbling seven-foot-tall bright-purple penis for the next 48 hours. He'll be back to normal by the time classes start on Monday; never fear."

"Ugh. He really is rather repulsive. I swear, all women must be saints; I don't see how they manage to keep from laughing."

"Minerva certainly never coul...er... Forget I said that."

"Yes, Minerva! What about Minerva's prank, Severus?"

"Um, yes. Her prank! To show you that, I'll need you to come with me, Headmaster. Shall we take a little stroll out toward the forbidden forest? I'm sure you'll find this very amusing..."

~ What happens next? You decide! ~

Scapegrace

Mouse! a wobbling seven-foot-tall bright-purple penis?!

As Dumbledore slowly makes his way out of the three broomsticks, Snape hisses out a petrificus totalus spell.Dumble falls flat to the ground like a petrified piece of wood.

Quick-as-a-wink , Snape apparates the two of them to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, just near Hagrid's Hut. A location just far enough away from the castle's anti-apparation protecting charm's effect.

Hagrid is out getting soused again at the Hog's Head pub. Snape grabs a dufflebag which was hidden behind a gnarly old tree and unbuckles the strap. He pulls out a fluffy pink bunny costume, a tartain cosmetic bag with some rouge, lipstick, and purple-blue mascara.

He waves his long, dark, intricately carved, ebony wand and whispers a spell to which Dumble clothes alone seem to understand and respond to. They undress themselves from Albus and the fuzzy pink bunny suit replaces itself to dumble's frame.

Snape gets out the cosmetics and does a fabulous job of dolling up the Headmaster while he remains stiff and motionless. What to do with the beard..... From his robes, Snape pulls out a Power Puff Girls hair scrunchie and wraps it round and round the old wizard's long, flowing beard. His lips shine a deep shade of pink as the moon reflects in the glittered lipstick.

Snape pulls out the final item from the dufflebag. Large, white, fluffy bunny slippers, to which he attaches to Dumble feet.

Whispering a mobilicorpus spell, Dumble body floats eerily upward, raising his body erect, and drifts silently back towards the castle.

His work here done, Sevvy then stuffs the duffle under his robes and strolls back towards Hogsmead for the rest of his Halloween mischief ahead of him.......

Snape Fan

Ok Becky, let's see if I can use the emotie's as well as you!

Snape slowed down as he entered the village and noticed the golden trio ahead of him. He followed them quietly for a bit then saw his chance.

He muttered a spell then had to put a silencing spell on himself as he burst into laughter and watched Potter and Granger yell and run away as Weasley was turned into a troll

After Snape recovered, he came up with something else. "That Granger is such a know-it-all, let's see how she likes this," as he waved his wand and she turned into an owl

"And for the ultimate revenge," Severus thought to himself with a smirk, he turned Potter into a version of himself snape

"I think my work here is done," he said as he walked back to the castle to see what havoc he could create on Minerva and that dunderhead Trelawney.

Mouse

Harry as a replica Snape? Omg, that's the best, Snape Fan!

As he ghosts up the castle steps, Snape hears Sybil Trelawney's voice: "The veil is obviously particularly thin in your case, my dear. You should strive to improve your second sight..."

Entering Hogwarts, Snape finds Sybil talking to Luna Lovegood in the entrance hall.

"Oh hello, Professor Snape," says Sybil.

"Hello Professor," adds Luna, staring off into space abstractly.

"Professor Trelawney, Miss Lovegood," says Snape with a curt nod, thinking Can't do anything to Sybil with a relatively innoculous Ravenclaw standing here as witness...

Dumbledore goes floating past them, still dolled up in the bunny suit and make-up.

"Oh hello, Headmaster," Sybil says in her usual vague voice, "I say, Severus, I was just telling Luna here...er..."

Suddenly Trelawney stiffens, her eyes going wide and her face slack. Snape plays it cool, , even though Sybil is suddenly looking very, very odd.

"Tonight, the dark lord makes his move," Sybil suddenly bellows out in a harsh voice. Luna blinks, and looks slightly surprised. "Tonight he will enter Hogwarts, slay the the traitor -" "- and kill the boy who lived. Tonight..."

"Er, Luna? Could you go waft the headmaster back over here?" says Snape, hunting for a quill and bit of parchment. Luna turns and skips off after the headmaster.

"...the ghosts of Hogwarts will rise up under the banner of the bloody baron, and slay the students of..."

"Why do you never have a quill when you need one? Slow down, Sybil, I need to write this down," says Snape, still searching his pockets frantically. "Why did you have to expel a real prophecy tonight? I had such a good prank planned for Minerva, and now I shall have to take care of this instead..."

Suddenly Snape feels his body go stiff, and he keels over onto his back, still awake but unable to move anything except for his eyes.

"Got him," says Luna, walking over from the corridor where she had been hiding when she jinxed Snape while he wasn't looking. "Good thing too, I think the polyjuice potion is wearing..." Luna gives a shudder, and suddenly transforms into Hermione Granger, "...off." She sighs. "Luna should be changing back now also, but Harry and Ron won't mind that. They like a hallowe'en prank as much as the next person."

A wobbling seven-foot-tall purple penis sprints by them muttering, "Sorry, `scuse me, sorry, very embarrassed about this, sorry, cover your eyes Hermione, sorry...gonna kill him, gonna kill him..."

"Help me carry him over, there's a dear," says Sybil, and then she and Hermione carry Snape off into a side corridor and through a door.

Snape hears the door close, and swivels his eyes around to see Minerva McGonagall smirking at him.

"Yes, I'll bet you had a good prank planned for me tonight, Severus. Well; turn-about is fair play, isn't it? Alright, girls, strip him, and get him into the leather pants!"

Snape manages a whimper through the enchantment. Minerva just looks at him with a gleeful grin on her face.

Sybil and Hermione don't bother with using magic to take his clothes off; they use their hands, taking their time and giggling infuriatingly the entire while. Snape struggles against the enchantment, but Hermione's charm is too strong.

"Aww, do we really have to put clothes back on him?" coos Hermione, when they have him completely naked. Her hand strays somewhere it shouldn't, and Snape feels his face go crimson.

"Unfortunately yes, Miss Granger, and by the way, stop that. This is a school, and there are some very young students around. The point is for him to be seen, but we can't let too much of him be seen...a pity, I know, but true. Pants, if you please!"

Snape struggles anew against the enchantment as Minerva begins to dress him up in - not just his leather pants - but leather boots with spurs, a leather "catwoman" mask, and a leather harness complete with decorative chains and nipple rings!

Within fifteen minutes, Snape is dangling from the harness in the main entrance hall, for all to see, while Sybil, Minerva and Hermione giggle below him. They are just turning to leave when a second Snape walks in the front door. The three women freeze, their faces slowly melting from amusement to horror.

"S-Severus?" says Minerva. "Then who...?"

"It's me, Professor McGonagall!" the second Snape suddenly wails in Harry Potter's voice, before bursting into blubbering tears.

"Oh thank goodness," says Minerva, sagging against Sybil in relief. "I thought for a moment there that we'd made a horrible, horrible mistake..."

The headmaster wafts by again, bunny ears twitching, his blue eyes furious in his otherwise immobile body. "Gonna kill him, gonna kill him..." he manages to mutter from the side of his frozen mouth.

"Someone jinxed me when I wasn't looking," wails Harry/Snape, "and Ron turned into a troll and tried to kill me, and when I found Hermione and asked her to turn me back, she just turned into Luna Lovegood inste-e-e-ed! I hate Hallowe'en!"

"Now pull yourself together, Potter!" says Minerva sharply. "You aren't hurt, so I can't think of one good reason why you should be blubbering like this!"

"I just don't want anything else to go wrong tonight!" sniffles Harry/Snape miserably.

Suddenly a scream of rage echoes through the entrance hall. A wobbling seven-foot-tall purple penis comes racing into the room, and begins smacking Harry/Snape about the head repeatedly with its...head.

I do believe, thinks Snape, that when I get out of this blasted harness, I should perhaps go visit Mumsy for a week or so, until everyone calms down...

Snape Fan

What everyone had forgotten in their fascination with a huge purple penis beating up Snape/Potter, was just how powerful a wizard the real Snape was.

While their attention was off him, the real Snape disapparated from the Great Hall and reappeared just out of sight by the dungeon stairs in his normal attire. It was all he could do not to laugh out loud as Potter was getting beat up.

Then he heard a voice whisper in his ear, "Are you ready for the final "treat" on our friends over there Severus?" Snape turned around, smirking and replied, "Ready if you are my friend."

Then the two men raised their wands and muttered an incantation and soon Dumble the rest found themselves in the Great Hall unable to rise from their seats as Gildroy Lockhart walked in and announced, "Ahhh, I see you all are here tonight to hear me read from my latest book Travels with Trolls."

They all turned around as loud laughter greeted them, and their mouths fell open. They weren't sure if they were more shocked at the sight of Professor Snape laughing or who his partner in crime was. All they could do was watch as Snape and Black walked out the door after shaking hands.

Scapegrace

Dear Professor Snape,

We are writing to express our complete dismay of learning about some extremely disturbing and disgusting events that our daughter witnessed on the night of Halloween.

A large purple-colored male-appendage-Professor assaulting another whining Potter-voiced Professor? A stripped down Professor suspended by some sort of leather-chain harness device? Two lady Professors ogling over his naked form?

Possibly worst of all, an entire reading of Travels With s with no intermission what-so-ever by a braggard who kept forgetting who he was and, at times, would stand on his chair and sing, "I'm A Little Teapot" for no apparent reason!

Not to mention a bunny-suited drag-queen Headmaster wafting in and out of rooms swearing revenge upon your very soul!

What kind of school is this? Just who is in control here? Anyone?

Our daughter kept bringing up your name and describing certain distinguishing beauty marks that no young girl of 15 should ever have any knowledge of about her Potion's Professor! For shame! (Incidentally, you need to have that one mole on your left testy checked for skin cancer. She was terribly concerned).

Well, what do you have to say for yourself in all of this?! We want answers!

Drs Granger and Granger

Concerned Parents, (and damn good dentists too!)

Snape Fan

Ah Dr's Granger,

How nice to hear from you again.

Let me begin by saying that Halloween in the wizarding world is quite different than that in the muggle world.

What your daughter witnessed is not out of the ordinary. I'm sure that while she has not seen a 7 ft. purple penis before, she has most likely seen a real one, at least in the sex education books we have here at Hogwarts.

And lest you think your daughter is completely innocent, it she was part of the group that initiated the "stripped down Professor suspended by some sort of leather-chain harness device." Did she tell you that?

I think not.

And it was not only the two women professors who were ogling the man - your daughter couldn't keep her eyes of me...er him.

As for that reading they were subjected to, well, rather them than me. Believe you me, you would not ever have to worry about putting your patients to sleep if they had to listen to Lockhart - just listening to him would numb away any pain!

Now to the Headmaster....let me just say he is a child at heart and the bunny suit is something he tries to inflict upon each and every resident of Hogwarts on a yearly basis. One must get used to it.

Why Miss Granger is looking at any moles I might have is beyond me. Tell her to stop looking if she doesn't want to see.

That all being said, would the two of you like to be my guests for dinner this weekend in Diagon Alley? I need to repay you for that wonderful weekend spent at your house.

Just send the owl back with your response. He will wait there.

Sincerely (as sincerely as Severus Snape can be)

Severus Snape

Help! I'm still a ferret! No one will change me back! All the professors just laugh at me.

Don't make me tell my father on all of you. He won't be happy.

D. Malfoy

Scapegrace

Mr. Malfoy,

*wonders just how he is accomplishing the writing of these letters*

I will personally escort Madam Pomfrey to your quarters and make sure she restores you to your usual, Malfoy-esque ...um, charm.

Professor Snape

Here is a group photo I took of the whole Hogwarts gang on our feild trip to Disneyworld.

I thought you would like a big copy to hang up in your office. It might help cheer the place up a bit.

Notice the expression on your face as Professor McGonnagal seems to have just grabbed you down below. The Griffindors all got a big giggle out of it. In fact, we have a copy of this very photo hanging in our commonroom for all to enjoy!

Sincerely,

Colin Creevey

Snape Fan

*waits until the wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep and goes to the Gryffindor common room to alter picture to show McGonagall grabbing Lockhart.*

Mr Creevey,

No, I don't think I will be hanging that picture up. Why would you ever think I would want a group picture with Gryffindors?

Oh, and you will serve detention with me tonight. And please do bring your camera with you.

Professor Snape

We are going to have a staff "retreat" as the muggles call it next weekend. All the professors will be wearing t-shirts with their house colors and symbol on them.

I have already had them made up. Minerva didn't look to happy when I told her my idea but I'm sure she'll get used to it. Filius and Sprout loved the idea!

Anyway, here is your shirt--lime green with the Slytherin snake on it! I'm sure you'll do wonders for the shirt!

We'll meet in the Room of Requirement on Friday after dinner in the Great Hall.

Sometimes I wonder where I come up with these wonderful ideas!

Albus

Scapegrace

*Holds up t-shirt and shakes head.*

*turns shirt over...*

*Shakes head again. "How could they spell Slytherin wrong? Tries on t-shirt anyway. Looks in the mirror. A trace of a smile plays upon his lips*

Dear Headmaster,

I look forward to the retreat. (Eyes rolling). At least I will be easily spotted in case there are any hunters out there looking for deer.

Professor Snape

*Spins about in an approving fashion at his new t-shirt.*

Your biopsy report has come back negative on that suspicious mole you had tested last week on your, um, er, private area.

Hope you feel relieved to know it all is safe.

The Healer staff of St. Mungos

P.S.

Candice still wants to know if you are interested in her proposotion. How about it? Hmmm?

Snape Fan

Dear St. Mungo's staff,

No, I don't want to take this Candace up on her proposition - I don't even remember who she is.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and prepare for a staff retreat.

Professor S. Snape

Do you know what Albus wants to do at this retreat? Promote "inter-house relations." All I can say is it's the Slytherins who seem to cause the most trouble in this school. Make sure you get something out of this retreat.

I saw your shirt! It's better than mine I must say. The Gryffindor shirt has a lion on it that insists on singing some song called "We're off to see the Wizard." I'm not quite sure what that means.

Ever heard of a place called Oz?

All I've seen your shirt do is hiss. I don't know what Sprout or Flitwick's shirts do yet.

I think Albus has gone too far this time.

Minerva

Magistra Potionum

Dear Professor Snape:

You remember me, don't you? I checked to make sure your, er, wand was in working order, remember? Yes, of course you do. I just wanted to invite you to a Marvin Gaye tribute concert, since I know you love muggle music (you were humming Barry Manilow's 'Mandy' while under the influence of that potion we gave you to help you relax. My, you are tense, aren't you? Rigid, even.) I think a night of 'Sexual Healing' is just what you need! And 'Let's get it on!" We can sing along to "Ain't nothing like the real thing!" What do you say?

Candice,

The Healer with the Magic Hands!

Of course my shirt is better than yours -- I AM a Slytherin, after all. Your own refers to a muggle musical which fits you to a T. The lion in question is cowardly, and the evil green witch has flying monkeys. I told you not to stop using an owl for your mail!

As for Sprout and Flitwick, the badgers apparently do a dance routine in which they shake their little heinies at passersby ( Rodent Dance), while the eagles merely try to fly away when in proximity to either a Hufflepuff OR a Gryffindor t-shirt. I'm glad to see SOMEONE with some wizarding pride! Slytherins, of course, were born with it.

Severus

Much to be proud of, and proud of it!

[OK, I'm not that funny. But this thread was MUCH too good to let die! Please, let those with talent post!]

Snape Fan

Dear Candace,

No, I don't remember you.

Professor S. Snape

As I'm sure you are aware, the holidays will soon be upon us. I know for a fact Santa is making his list and checking it twice to see if you've been naughty or nice! *chuckles*

We will be doing a secret Santa exchange (a muggle way of giving gifts secretly to friends and co-workers). I will explain this fully in our next staff meeting.

All former professors will be invited, and while I'm sure you will be glad to welcome Remus, I must please ask you to refrain from harassing Gildroy.

See you at the staff meeting!

Albus

page 30

---------------------------------------------------

Date: Monday, August 9, 2004

Time: 5:06 PM EST

Submitted by: Gwendolyn Evans

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: 1) where do babies come from?

2) did you really do Lily Potter?

3) is Draco Malfoy gay?

-------------------------------------------------------

Miss Gwendolyn Evans,

Firstly, I am not the Hogwarts sex-education teacher and, therefore, do not feel I need to respond to your baby question.

If you have already begun instruction at our school and still don't know the answer to that, I pity you and wish you the best of luck in surviving all 7 years with us. Most likely, you will be leaving somewhere around your sixth year as you will be experiancing first-hand just exactly where those pesky, ankle-biters DO come from!!!

Second question on Miss Lily Evans Potter.

Even IF I did, why on earth would I tell YOU?!

Thrid question. Draco Malfoy.

I don't make it a practice to discuss students' sexual orientation.

Again, It's really none of your business!

Why don't you go ask Miss Parkingson?

I hear she loves to tell all those unfortunate souls who are cornered in her dorm room, all about her dull, boring, teen exploits with young Mr Malfoy.

Now, bother me no more about silly questions that don't concern you!

Professor Snape,

Potions Master, (NOT Dr. Phil!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Time: 1:45 PM EST

Submitted by: H Granger

Comment: Dear Professor,

Perhars you are perfectly aware of Neville's fear about you. I am afraid that it's turned into a horrible phobia and am really worried about this. He told me that he even has "Potions nightmares". I think I've got a solution to the problem and want to ask you if you could possibly help Neville by spending more time with him and eventually adapt him. Would you do this for him, please?

I am looking forward for your answer.

H.Granger, Head Girl

------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Know-It-All,

Good grief!

How can you even suggest that I help out that horribly helpless harbinger of havoc!!

He's a menace to all, including his own House.

Why, even the Dementors have avoided him as he nears them!

I hope he DOES fear me, as this will keep him from me if at all possible!

I'm surprised that his poor Grandmother doesn't pack up and leave without a forwarding address while he is staying at school.

Please don't clog my mail slot with rubbish about this feckless dolt, as he his hardly worth the time and effort I have afforded on him already!

Professor Snape ------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thursday, August 12, 2004

Time: 6:03 PM EST

Submitted by: amantedeseverus

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor Snape.

If you had a friend who's boyfriend abuses her and nobody believes her about it. What would you do?

amantededraco

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Amantededraco,

I don't have friends. This eliminates my ever having such a problem.

However, since you do, and you seem to actually care for your friend, I suggest you strongly urge her to rid herself of this abusive troll and get on with her life!

Nobody has the right to hurt another without just cause, (so Dumbledore keeps telling me). and I do believe the M.O.M. has laws to this affect.

You might also want to be supportive of her, whatever her decision, and make sure she can count on you to be there and believe her about this abuse. (I know whenever Wormtail tries out his judo chop on me with his new silver hand, I can always complain to Vol....um,....He-Who's-Name-I-Cannot-Say-lest-he-strike-me-dead, and ol' Snake-Eyes always sticks up for me. Nice chap. hmm?

Professor Snape

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Friday, August 13, 2004

Time: 5:54 AM EST

Submitted by: Natasha Crennell

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: What is it like teaching potions at Hogwarts, and why do you hate Harry Potter so much?

=======================================================

Miss Natasha,

While I am pleased that you did ask me a question concerning my own personal feelings on the matter of teaching and that Potter brat youngster, I must tell you that Dumbledore sometimes rummages through my responses and "edits" spell-checks them, (or so this is what he "claims" is he is doing).

It is with this caution that I do hope you can read between the lines of his well-intentioned "censorship" helpfulness, and know my true feelings on these matters.

While I do enjoy the subtle science that is potion-making, I had originally had my heart set on the DADA job.

Dumbledore had promised me mentioned perhaps that I would one day be teaching the Dark Arts, but until then, I must slave away in the dungeons baby-sittingteaching for a bunch of ungrateful churls students who have no desire to learn. who hang on my every word.

And as for that Potter miscreant lad, he's the worst finest student I have ever had in all my years of teaching here.

I honestly believe he has some learning disorder is a genius and should be medicated praised continuously.

Professor Snape

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Friday, August 13, 2004

Time: 1:09 PM EST

Submitted by: katya ramos

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment:

hi, i don´t speak very well english but....... i love your acts and...finally... are you going a be a freind of potter?

============================================================

Miss katya,

Hmmm, will I ever befriend Potter, eh?

Well, of course it's entirely up to JKR, isn't it?

*smirks, and looks up at the ceiling nonchalantly*

However, it hardly matters now, does it, as he will never admit that I have been nothing but helpful to him all along?

If fact, if he'd just open up his eyes to what is really going on around him at the present, he would beg me to be friends with him!

There are so many people he's been trusting of late that, if he could only see who shows up at the DE meetings, it would make his blood congeal.

But I cannot give away all my spying info, and I do digress...

I may, perhaps, make peace with the toerag one day.

(But if it be over his dead body,...well, so be it!!!)

Professor Snape

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Monday, August 16, 2004

Time: 10:27 PM EST

Submitted by: Lady Valoveer

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Will you go out with me?

============================================================

Dearest Lady Valoveer,

Well, *blushes*, I am quite taken aback by your request.

While I do make it a policy never to meet my adoring fans socially, I may make an exception or two along the way.

So, I was wondering, do you happen to have any recent photos of yourself so that I might. um..... recognize you if I were to wander into The Three Broomsticks this Friday night at, oh, say, around 9:00?

Prof. Snape

============================================================

Date: Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Time: 7:51 PM EST

Submitted by: Camryn Snape I swear to goddess that s my real name!!

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Professor, were you ever in love with Lily Evans?

I was wondering if perhaps that was why you were so bitter towards Harry all the time...

===========================================================

Dear Miss Snape,

It is very difficult for me to discuss Lily Evans.

You know, everyone always says she was kind to people; even those of whom most others would never have given a second thought.

While I do agree with this statement, I feel she should never have fallen in to the crowd she was with. I'm afraid it was her ultimate undoing. I am sorry that I can not be more specific. (You'll have to wait for another JKR book-reading to ask your question towards the source.) *coughs into hand* *long pause*

At any rate, I feel I must quote a bit of John Lennon here and say,

"I can't remember anything without a sadness

So deep that it hardly becomes known to me

So deep that its tears leave me a spectator of my own stupidity."

-John Lennon

And now I must end this as I feel a a bit, er,... speechless.

Professor Snape

(No relation)

*opens up a new letter*

==========================================================

Date: Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Time: 1:50 AM EST

Submitted by: Andrea

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Sev (If I amy call you that),

I want to ask you one question and one question only. If I told you I loved you would you consider going out with me?

Andrea

===========================================================

Filch.

I have another letter for you.

No, don't thank me. Just make sure you clean out my dungeons really good next time!

Snape

*opens a new letter*

==========================================================

Date: Saturday, August 21, 2004

Time: 4:03 AM EST

Submitted by: Elizabeth Anne Ensley

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: My dear Severus Snape,

I would take tea with you over five minutes in the presence of that fool Lockhart, any day. Why, oh why, didn't you transmogriphy him into a peacock? It would have suited his strutting personality oh, so well.

regards,

Liz.

===========================================================

Dear Miss Liz,

Clearly you are an intellegent person who is not fooled by questionable "great looks" over what really matters....cunningness and dry wit.

I'd love to have changed that fancy pants into a prancing peacock. Unfortunately, the M.O.M. have rules on such matters.

Professor Snape

Oily and Slick

(and liking it that way!)

============================================================

Date: Saturday, August 21, 2004

Time: 10:17 PM EST

Submitted by: Wendelyn Wanderlust

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: My Dearest Professor Snape,

First of all..I have been an avid admirer of yours for years, why even back to your Misspent days as one of the Dark Lord's many admirers I knew you were very very special.

My request is simple, though I fear I maybe seen as a brazen huzzy for asking..but well...

You may have seen my work in the WICKED VAMPS AND VIXENS newest calender..I'm Miss JULY..You know with all the sparklers and fireworks, and little else in the way of material adornment.

Well Professor it's always been a fantasy of mine to spend an evening with you. Perhaps we could indulge in a little game of Potions Master and the naughty Slyterin tart? I'd really love a demonstration of how you use your ah..WAND...

Oh I've heard the girls chat in Hogsmeade about this Rickman fellow who is coming to study your techniques with Students and potions, but I'm sure he in no way is half the man you are...

Well I've taken up enough of your time, I anxiously await an answer. I'd be happy to bring all my Shirley Jones albums along with. I'm sure it would enhance the Mood!

Yours forever, WWL

=========================================================

Ms Wanderlust,

Why, I can't help but blush when I read letters like this.

I'm pleasantly surprised that you find me more attractive and interesting than that muggle film star Mr. Rickman.

*Looks about on his nightstand piled up with magazines*

*"Ah, here it is"*

*Thumbs through his copy of 'WICKED VAMPS AND VIXENS'. Reaches July,...........*

*"Holy Dark Mark!"*

"Composes self*

Well, Ms Wanderlust, I can only say what a charming witch you must be. So sparkly and bangled and MERLIN'S BEARD! Are those fizzing wizzers on your nippys???!!!! Well, that must have really been quite painful, I should think.

At any rate, this new Dumbledore, *cough,* that is to say, Dumbledore has always been a pushover as far as my having "guests" over. However, lately I'm afraid, the Deputy Headmistress (a.k.a.THE Wicked Witch of the Highlands), has been snooping around waiting to catch me off-balance so that she can avenge me for things I can assure you I most certainly DID NOT do.

She feels she can get some dirt on me and make me pay for those amusing pranks, (which we all know I was NOWHERE NEAR HER AT THE TIME OF THEIR HAPPENING)!

Perhaps we may meet one day, oh, say, down Knockturn Alley behind the B&B Thrift store, next to the dust bins, near that sleeping old lush named Mac who talks to himself. Hmmm, I suddenly remember I need to order some more potions supplies and must make a quick run to Knockturn Alley tonight. How fortuitous!

Professor Snape

(Always in the mood for a naughty Slyterin tart)

(So tasty!)

=========================================================

Date: Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Time: 6:59 PM EST

Submitted by: ALEXANDRA REBUS

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor Snape,Greetings! I just wanted to let you know that not all girls like ,or trust blondes! Lockhart would never get the time of day from me!! You,sir,ALWAYS would!!! [And anytime at night!!]You also have the most Magnificent nose!!! I someday hope to have the privledge of bestowing a kiss on it!!! It deserves ALL praise!!! With Respect,Alexandra Rebus

==========================================================

Dear Miss Rebus,

I'm so glad you brought up my nose, (and in such a tasteful way, I might add).

There are many people I have had the unfortunate experiance of coming across in my lifetime, to whom my nose had become the focal point of their childish and immature tauntings.

These experiances had left me determined that I would NEVER change my nose in any way just to try and become socially more acceptable. I am not the type to try and conform to what others find "appealing".

And do you know what? I find now that I have more fans than I can count! All wanting, like you, to kiss, touch, or, well, do what-all with my nose!

My fans tell me they have started up hundreds of "web-sites", (whatever those are), all dedicated to Your's Truely. I just wonder how many Lackluster Lockhart sites are out there. Perhaps Gladys Gudgeon can write to me and tell me. (I believe she and Veronica Smethley were the only two true devoted Lockhart-Lovers.)

I thank you for your sweet devotion,

*thinks he must be getting soft*

Professor Snape,

No nose too big

No Slytherin too small, (where it counts)!

========================================================

Date: Thursday, August 26, 2004

Time: 6:38 PM EST

Submitted by: Lady Valoveer

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Oh, you know I'll be there.

I'll be the vampire in the back...wearing the sexy yellow and black sunglasses.

Love, LadyV.

========================================================

Lady Valoveer,

Vampire, eh?

I'll be sure and bring an ample supply of blood pops!

Professor Snape

======================================================

Date: Saturday, August 28, 2004

Time: 3:07 AM EST

Submitted by: Desdemona Steele

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor, or may I call you Severus?

Anyway, to be brief, I'm after the transfigerations job at Hogwarts.

Any ideas on how the position could be "vacated"?

Looking forward to working with you,

Yours sincerely,

Desdemona (soon to be Professor Steele!)

==========================================================

Ms Steele,

Oh, I must say, I admire you're moxie!

Any chance you were sorted into Slytherin?

On the subject of obtaining the Transfiguration post, I'm afraid that will be nearly impossible for you. Albus and Minerva are quite tight. (And goodness knows just what she had to do to get that ludicrous "Deputy Headmistress" position as well). *shudders to think*

Why, I myself have been after Dumbledore these past 15 years for the DADA spot. Yet he keeps denying me my chance. I'd even written to the school board, (of which I had had a very influential friend), but that did me no good either, (especially after my friend was arrested for aiding and abetting a known enemy of the public or some such nonsense).

But where was I with all this? Ah yes, good luck in your achieving your goal. It would be quite refreshing to see a new face at the teachers lounge instead of that tartan-wearing, snooty old hag with haggis in her lunch sack! Ugh! Disgusting!!!!!

Professor Snape

==========================================================

Date: Friday, August 27, 2004

Time: 6:28 PM EST

Submitted by: Janet

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor Snape,

I was wondering would you ever consider dating someone?

Janet

========================================================

Dear Miss Janet,

Why, I date people all the time!

What makes you think I don't simply because I do not parade myself about in front of the students with my latest loves?

A teacher's private life is just that....PRIVATE!

Besides, I'm not giving The Unmentionable any ammunition with which he can use to force me to do his bidding or threaten to harm the ones I truly care about.

Why do you ask? Are you some sort of D.E. agent testing me? Trying to pump me for information? Are you sporting a fresh new tattoo on your lower left arm? (It really does hurt, doesn't it? Don't worry, the soreness will pass).

Ahem, ...well, ...it won't work I tell you! You'll not get one scrap of news to use!

Now, good day to you!

Professor Snape

Slightly paranoid today it seems.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sunday, August 29, 2004

Time: 2:24 PM EST

Submitted by: Black Cauldron

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor Snape,

Why do you dislike Harry so? What has he done to you?

Do you dispise him because you harbor feelings of love towards him? Or is it something else? Whatever it is, I hope you take pity on the poor boy and consider his feelings too.

Sincerly,

Black Cauldron

=======================================================

Dear "Black Cauldron", (by the way, loved the book, hated the movie),

Why do I dislike Potter? Do I harbor feelings of love for him??! I should pity him??!

(Oh how my sides did ache after the good bellylaugh I got from reading that one.)

I am reminded of a poem I once heard that goes like this...

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him;

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child, teach him;

He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep, wake him;

And he who knows and knows that he knows is wise, follow him.

That Potter brat is somewhere between the "child" in the poem, and the "one who is asleep" in the poem.

Thankfully, he is not the first one in the poem, (who I would definately say is reserved for certain lavender-robe-wearing ex-Professors),

At any rate, it is my painful job to try and teach Potter, and to wake him up to what information he already possesses inside himself.

But I will never pity the boy. I don't believe he would want me to anyway.

Professor Snape

No breaks given here

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Time: 10:58 AM EST

Submitted by: Ryven

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dearest Professor,

I humbly bow before you to beg that you will answer a few simple questions from one so unworhy as I. I will try to be brief oh great one, have patience.

1. Have you ever been involved in a long-term relashionship?

2. If so with whom?

3. Are you straight or gay? That's been bothering me for like, ever....

4. Do you like shredded cheese?

5. I promise this is the last one. Have you ever kissed a frog?

Forgive me oh wise one if I have offended you with any or all of my questions. I mean no harm.

Your humble servant,

Ryven Delion

=========================================================

Dear Ryven,

Hmmm,

Question 1 and 2 .) See Miss Janet's previous letter.

Question 3.) Read Hogwart's Employee Rights Manual, page 13, section 4 titled the; "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Question 4 and 5.)Both question too lame to possibly dignify with an answer.

Professor Snape

Growing irritated by the second!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Time: 11:26 AM EST

Submitted by: Prof Trelawney

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Severus,

*eyes glazed over and rocking violently* Something is coming for you I can see it, death? No Not death! Love! I see it swirling all around you, you will fall madly in love! Beware Professor, Beware!

==========================================================

Professor Trelawney,

Have you forgotten to take your medication again?

I shall notify Madam Pomfrey immediately and she will be sure to climb up to visit you with the proper doses.

You really must be diligent about taking it, or you might again find yourself out on the astronomy tower dangling from a telescope, naked as a jaybird with no one to reel you in as you were lucky enough to have had last time.

Professor Snape

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thursday, September 2, 2004

Time: 9:51 PM EST

Submitted by: Leila

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Hey Professor Snape,

Two quick questions,

1. do you know how sexy you are?

2. Will you marry me?

Cheers!

Love, Leila

=========================================================

Lovely Leila,

How kind that you think I am sexy.

(Though many would scoff at your affections).

Sadly, I do not believe a marriage is something I want to enter into right at the moment, (I'm having too much fun!)

Professor Snape

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Friday, September 3, 2004

Time: 12:41 AM EST

Submitted by: Desdemona Steele

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Severus,

Thank you for your kind responce to my query re. the Transfigurations job. You really applied for the Dark-arts position? I must say, I am surprised, after observing the prancing peacock of a prize pillock whose application was successful. Lavender robes indeed. Dumbledore must have finally lost it, I'm afraid. If pretty-boy ever gets out of the slammer, please apologise on my behalf for rearranging his features, but if he can't keep his hands to himself he should expect it(funny that, I understood his interests lay in "other" directions).

So perhaps Hogwarts isn't the place a fine young witch like me should be looking into. Maybe Durmstrangs would be a little more "receptive" to my own special brand of Transfigurations anyway. Thank you once again for your help, and good luck in the madhouse!

Desdemona Steele.

===========================================================

Date: Saturday, September 4, 2004

Time: 2:07 AM EST

Submitted by: Lil Sis

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Professor Snape,

I've just been wondering...if you dislike Harry Potter SO much, do you continue help him? Especially considering the way he's starting act towards you. How do you take it? I was just wondering because I'm a big time supporter for you. The only thing is I would probably end up knocking him out! It just seems like you can't get any respect from anybody. But just to let you know I got your back all the way!

Sincerely,

Lil Sis

P.S.

By the way...GREAT look!!!!!!!!

========================================================

Dear Lil Sis,

Thank you for the support.

Why do I help Potter and his gang out?

Well, it's this thing that my so-called "superior", (Dumbledore), and I have agreed upon of which I'm afraid I cannot disclose to you the details of at the present time.

*thinks back to that ill-fated Texas Hold-'em poker game he got involved in and needed Dumblehead to come and bail him out of *

But rest-assured, I will have my comeuppance afforded upon them all in the end!

Oh, and by "great look!", of what are you referring to?

My locks of naturally sleek tresses?

Professor Snape

========================================================

Date: Friday, September 3, 2004

Time: 6:16 PM EST

Submitted by: Kerwin

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Mister Snape...did you have any sexual relations with Ms. Lily Evans?

========================================================

Tsk tsk tsk

Mr Kerwin,

Clearly you have never sat in on even one of my classes to have had addressed me as "Mister" instead of "Professor" as a sign of respect and recognition for those long hours I slaved away as an apprentice to those blithering, doddering old codgers I was forced to work under.

It is, therefore, not in my nature to even respond to your ill-written, (albeit possibly sincere), letter.

PROFESSOR Snape

(And don't you forget it!)

=========================================================

Date: Saturday, September 4, 2004

Time: 3:19 AM EST

Submitted by: Dad Valoveer

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Severus,

My daughter has informed me of your plans to wed her, and let me tell you, I am most delighted. A man of such character. I am currently organising the wedding feast.

Tell me, do you prefer red blood cells, or white?

========================================================

Lord Valoveer,

(I asume you are a Lord if your daughter is a Lady?)

There seems to be some confusion as to whether your daughter and I became betrothed the other night under the moon-lit sky.

I believe she mentioned that she would like to be wed.. However, as she was a vampire and belonged to some group of which their was a head-vampire of some kind who would be most unwilling to let her go, it was impossible.

Which I agreed was best, seeing as how I am a bit of a loner and do not enjoy the thought of spending all eternity with just one person at my side. It's just not my idea of heaven.

Professor Snape

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear SouthernRaven,

Ah yes! Another teacher.

I have many many teachers as admirers of my work. They, at least, understand the difficulty it is nowadays to try and instruct these ungrateful brats on matters of importance.

Unfortunately, many would-be professors allow themselves to become glorified babysitters. Well, not I !

Right from the start, you must grab their attention with a really gripping speech on what you will try and teach them in your class. Make sure you lay out exactly what you expect from them. (Remind them about no foolish wand-waving as I believe they will not need it in any theories class).

And be sure to belittle what looks to be the ring-leader of the class so that the other students will fall in line.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

No wiper of baby-bottoms be I !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Saturday, September 4, 2004

Time: 3:16 PM EST

Submitted by: Lily E Potter

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: To Severus Snape;

Please tell no one that I have sent you this. Or that I am no longer deceased. I am hiding and living in fear of you-know-who. If you wish to know how I was able to make it out alive and where I have been hiding, meet me in The Three Broomsticks. I'll be waiting. My husband, James, is dead though. I hope that you will understand that I really need someone to talk to, and I thought that you might listen. I am terribly sorry for not telling you this earlier, its just that I was terrified that he-who-must-not-be-named might get a hold of this. I fear for my childs safty, and of yours. Please write back to me as soon as you get this. I hope you will be understanding.

Sincerely,

Lily E. Potter

=========================================================

Dear Mrs Potter, (If this truly is you),

I'm sorry if I seem to be a bit skeptical,

(*thinks about how he saw with his very own eyes, Lily's demise*)

but I'm afraid you simply must be dead.

That Potter boy told of how he saw your ghostly apparition come right out of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's wand that night in the graveyard.

Unless you have a twin, or Potter was lying, or my own eyes have deceived me,..ahem,....forget I said that!...., you must be an imposter and therefore, I will not be meeting you anywhere anytime soon.

P.S.

I suggest you check yourself into St. Mungos immediately. There is a special ward reserved for your loopy type. I believe a certain ex-Hogwarts professor lives there now.

(Give him my regards, won't you?)

Professor Snape

=========================================================

Dear Miss Maxine,

Any student or a Hogwarts student?

A current Hogwarts student, or any past Hogwarts alumni that I'd once taught?

Hmmm, anyway, perhaps after they'd finished college.

Then, if I ever were to get serious with this person, I could maybe one day retire and finally begin my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian at the Improv.

Professor Snape.

p.s.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

give up?

Because he was being chased by a DeathEater.

*Heh heh. That joke kills me every time I tell it.*

*And I seem to tell it quite often...*

========================================================

Date: Thursday, September 9, 2004

Time: 10:27 PM EST

Submitted by: Elizabeth Anne Ensley

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: "Unfortunately, the M.O.M. have rules on such matters."

The M.O.M. are a bunch of party poopers, aren't they? They are almost as bad, in their own quiet way, as the D.A.D. (Defense against Doxies) krewe.

Regards,

Liz.

PS-IMHO, you're much more handsome than Lockhart, any day. Not to mention you don't have to wear curlers in your hair to maintain an image. >=)

========================================================

Date: Thursday, September 9, 2004

Time: 10:30 PM EST

Submitted by: Elizabeth Anne Ensley

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Professor Snape,

My apologies for the lack of a salutation on the previous letter. Reflecting on the M.O.M. is no excuse for such absentmindedness.

Regards,

Liz.

(missive semi-redux)

==========================================================

Dear Miss Ensley,

Thank you for your kind words on my appearance.

I certainly don't need curly hair or flashy robes to attract people.

I secretly believe Lockhart comes from a large family, all of whom spend endless hours writing him "fan mail" to make him look popular.

How else could anyone seriously believe he was even remotely handsome?

And please don't get me started on the D.A.D. (Defense Against Doxies) zealots!!!

Next thing you know they'll be "Dementors In Peril", (D.I.P.s) or "Friends of Flobberworms" !!!! It's getting ridiculous, I tell you!

Professor Snape

Angry as Always

=======================================================

Date: Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Time: 4:56 PM EST

Submitted by: Kerin

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: Dear Mr. Severus Snape,

Uhm...are you seeing anyone right now? because if you arent...would you be interested in ohh...say...me? *wink*

Love,

Kerin

========================================================

Dear Kerin,

Yes, I am currently seeing anyone and everyone right now.

Leave me a resume of yourself and I'll see if I can't squeeze you in.

The dungeons are getting very chilly as autumn approaches.

Sincerely Slytherin,

Professor Snape

========================================================

Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004

Time: 8:04 PM EST

Submitted by: Ginny Potter

Subject: Dear Professor....

Comment: "If you would have a baby some day, would you rather have a son or daughter?"

========================================================

Dear Miss Potter,

What an interesting question.

I've never even thought about it.

A girl might be a tad too small to possibly grow into her beautiful Snape nose she may inherit. Perhaps a bit of shrinking solution. And I'd certainly have to be on the alert when she starts dating to fend off all those would-be suitors she would have lined up around the block. *shudders*

However, a boy may one day try to challenge my authority in public, or become a Griffindor to spite me. What if he decides to become an auror? What if my imagined daughter becomes one? What if there were twins???? What to do!!

*Runs over to the liquor cabinet and pulls out the Jack Daniels bottle. Takes a good long gulp" "Ah, everything is all better".

They'll be no more baby talk! I knew I remained a bachelor for some reason!

Professor Snape